Between Codependency and Control

Continuing with our theme of codependency, I wanted to share how I have spent my own time living in that space, and also living in what I consider to be its unhealthy counterpart: control.

Codependency

My first and most natural pattern has been codependency. Growing up, I always hated confrontation, so I learned to stifle all my frustrations and put on a happy face to the very people that had hurt me. I did this because openly disagreeing with another person might make them upset at me, and if they were upset at me they might abandon me. I would rather be secretly frustrated than to be left alone.

I molded myself like clay to fit everyone else’s expectations. I appeased them outwardly while inwardly holding deep resentment for it all. And I had no intention of living any differently.

That is, until a little over six years ago when I embarked on my addiction recovery journey. Once I started living intentionally, I discovered all sorts of things about myself, including the unhealthy dynamic I had in my relationships. I saw that masking my needs to others and then resenting it was not the role I wanted to play anymore. I wanted to reclaim agency in my life, and I decided to make a change.

Control

Perhaps it doesn’t come as too much of a shock that I overcorrected. I went from never expressing my frustrations to voicing them all the time. I went from adhering to everyone else’s beliefs to expecting everyone else to adhere to mine.

I believed that the people in my life needed to know whenever their behavior was unacceptable, what they needed to change, and that I would be drawing boundaries left and right if they didn’t. My self preservation often turned into trying to control others to meet my needs.

What’s more, I would show up for those conversations already angry, ready to battle for the outcome I wanted. I simply never expected a person to respond to my complaints with anything other than “screw you!” so I either avoided talking to them entirely (when I was codependent), or else started the conversation already matching that same anticipated level of anger (when I was controlling).

In Between

But this second approach wasn’t any better than the first. I was simply taking the same role that I had let everyone else use against me. The solution wasn’t to go from submissive to dominant, it was to get rid of that hierarchy entirely!

And so, over the last two years, I’ve tried to do something different. I’ve tried to approach my relationships with a method of honest surrender. “Honest” because I really will speak up if something seems wrong to me, and “surrender” because after I have said my piece, I don’t try to control the outcome.

I don’t hide my disagreement from the other person, but I also don’t try to force them to see things the same as me. The result is that I can live in a way that is in harmony with my personal beliefs, while providing enough grace and space for everyone else to figure things out for themselves.

This isn’t to say that I’ve perfected all of my relationships. I’m still refining and improving my understanding, and I’m sure I always will be. I’m also still learning how to keep my behavior consistent with my better judgment, no matter the situation. But I do believe that I’m making real progress. I believe that I’m nearer to the mark than I ever was before. I feel more honorable in my approach to my relationships, and that has given me a most wonderful sense of relief.

By Abe, Writing Team

Codependency at Church?

For most of my life, I’ve been haunted by a fear that I’m somehow less than those around me, that I’m not enough, and that critical eyes are upon me. This fear has shaped my interactions and relationships. In response to this fear, I find myself trying to manage the thoughts and emotions of others, hoping to secure their approval and affection. In doing so, I often suppress my own needs and feelings; convinced that this is the only way to be valued and loved. When these efforts inevitably fail, my fears are reinforced and a cycle is repeated. This cycle of coping with fear by chasing validation from others is often called codependency.

Codependency is a complex and often misunderstood condition. At its core, it involves an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on others. For me, this reliance has been most evident in my close relationships. Since understanding it, I’ve worked hard to secure healing from its causes and its effects. I’ve found the most success in the realization that God is the only one who knows and understands me well enough to value or judge me and so I lean more and more on Him for affection and validation. This frees the people in my close relationships from my ill-aimed efforts to win their approval and frees me from my fears.

I was recently surprised by the realization that I’m also codependent on my church. I really didn’t see that coming. For most of my life, what my church leaders and my congregation thought of me was one of the more prevalent concerns in my mind as I participated at church.

One of the first steps in addressing codependency is recognizing the patterns of behavior that sustain it. For me, this meant acknowledging how much of my self-worth was tied to my church involvement. I realized that I was using my church relationships and activities in an unhealthy attempt to deal with my own insecurities and fears. By constantly seeking approval from church leaders and members, I was neglecting my own emotional and spiritual needs. I was exhausting myself in countless hours volunteering, attending services, and participating in church activities for the wrong reasons. I felt compelled to present myself as a virtuous and righteous saint, all in an effort to gain respect and appreciation.This constant striving left me feeling empty and unfulfilled.

What I’ve largely missed is God Himself. And I’ve certainly missed precious opportunities to empathize, love and truly serve others in ways unique to the gifts God has given me. And I’ve missed opportunities to allow God to do His work in me by trying to become one thing when He intended to make me something even better.

Today I try to show up more authentically at church, to see church for the opportunity to truly minister to others’ feelings and needs in ways only I can. I try to see church as an opportunity to praise and worship the God who lives in my heart and to learn from and be changed by Him. Not others.

Having had the experience of recognizing my codependency in my close relationships and in my church, I expect to discover other ways in which my codependency manifests. This is a little scary, but I’m also excited to see how continuing to address my codependency improves my life.

By Ty, Writing Team

Safe Enough to Have a Crisis

Our writing crew just had a meeting and we discussed codependency (podcast dropping on this soon) and the dynamics of what happens in a relationship where addiction has been an unwelcome third wheel to a marriage. It has been my experience in my own life and in working with others that when the addiction subsides into sustained recover, the guy - me in this case - is feeling pretty dang good about life.

Thoughts like “I can finally live my best life” come to mind. The sun is out and the clouds of gloom and doom have subsided. I was in one of these moments a few years back driving on the highway with my wife, breaking my arm trying to pat myself on the back. She brought up something from my past that I’m not proud of but feel I’ve moved past and I said “I don’t want to talk about that, I’ve repented of it, I’m doing my best not to do it again.”

Storm clouds and tornados were immediately back on my horizon as she exploded and retorted “well I’VE NOT MOVED PAST IT, AND I’VE NOT TALKED ABOUT IT YET.”

Angry, confused, bitter, and resentful, I listened to her unwind on me while sitting on a false throne of righteous indignation. When we got home I was fuming. I reached out to my sponsor a short while after that and he started laughing as I was trying to build my case for why she was wrong to dig up my past. “Pete, you have been able to work through all of that, but she is finally feeling safe enough to allow herself to feel again.”

#failed … she shut down again for some time. Like a frightened turtle, she had emerged from her PTSD shell, and I gave her a reason to go back inside. I’m learning to relax now when she feels safe enough to emerge and share. This morning she brought up a painful memory for her that I was a major contributor to. I was shocked that I didn’t feel the need to justify my actions. I just listened, echoed back how my actions had hurt her and apologized.

As we work through our childhood traumas, it is easy to blame others for our actions. Certainly, I have, and I’ve seen this in others I’ve sponsored or worked with. But as I look back at the traumas I’ve caused my wife and my children when I was deep in my addiction, there is only one person to blame - and it is confusing because I feel I’ve worked through the twelve steps and understand why I did what I did, but there can be a temptation to try and control things again, including trying to control the reaction of those I’ve hurt and want them to forgive me.

It’s a fine line. It doesn’t do me any good to live in the past constantly and “should” all over myself. I also need to give others the grace Christ has given me to be upset and angry. I have hurt and disillusioned them by my past actions, but that isn’t the person I’m trying to be today.

About 18 months ago I was going through some persecution by two people I respected and wanted to like me. They both had accused me of not caring and it hurt. It took the wind out of my sails, and I stopped reaching out to others. Doug Nelson, who has been on a few of our podcasts, is a “brutha” in arms, and I reached out to him as he’s published books, speaks regularly, and has YouTube videos out in the world for people to comment on in addition to helping hundreds of people in her personal practice. I asked him what he does with negative input. His advice has changed my approach to criticism.

He said to first allow myself to feel the emotions of hurt—not to amplify them, just feel them, let them be, and take their course. Then, examine them—what part have I played, if any, and what am I responsible for apologizing for? Then, let them go. I can only own what I can fix. Everything else I need to let others own and fix. Being a martyr only hurts me.

It’s been a hard lesson to learn, but now I know that when my wife and kids are ready to talk to me about my actions in the past, it isn’t going to drag me down. It is because they are now feeling safe enough to go through the analytical process and the fact that they are reaching out to me to be part of that process is a good thing. It means they have hope to restore the trust.