Anonymous Questions Answered - Ep 4

In this episode we have only one question, but it’s a good one and one that I can very much relate to. The question in this episode focuses on serving in church leadership while struggling ,and how to get help. My guest for this post is Josh Whitney, a pastor at the Rock Church in Draper, Utah. The Rock is a non-denominational church (website) which Josh has been pastoring at since 2006. Josh has served in church leadership while also personally knowing the struggles of sexual temptation. He has found his way through those struggles and has some great perspective for those who walk this line of personal struggle and leadership. 

 Anonymous Question:

I am in a difficult position. I lead a church and have for years...and I've also battled sexual addition at various levels for years. I was introduced to pornography by my older brother when I was eight years old. Thanks a lot. As is the case in so many stories, I 'win' for a good while, and then 'fall off the wagon'. I know all the right answers -, even Biblical answers. I have accountability software on my computer, but sex addicts 'find ways', and most reading this know what I mean. I've counseled scores of people on scores of Biblical issues -, though I purposefully haven't done much 'counseling' in this area. All said, it's extremely difficult to find a 'community.'..a brotherhood because of my position. I've been burned and betrayed in the ministry before and know the fine line I'm walking. As to becoming part of a '12 Step' type group in the community,

I can't imagine how that would work either. It's possible, of course, that nobody from my church would stumble in and find their pastor there. Maybe this is unfounded paranoia, but it's real for me. That said, I DESPERATELY want to get off this merry-go-round. I'm hoping being a part of a blog like this will at least help me get into a community of other - albeit on line -who can understand my struggle and I theirs. Before I close this out, let me say one more thing. I DEEPLY love Christ and his church. I'm not purposefully and knowingly leading a double life. I know it's dead wrong when I succumb and I deal with it strongly when it happens. I just don't want it to happen anymore.

Answer:

Josh brought up two major points in answer to this question. First, open up to the right group. You need to be wise on who you open up to. Josh used the analogy of a father dumping all of his adult problems on his children. There does need to be thought in which group you go to for support. Josh talked about two groups here in Utah that are circles of pastors that get together for support (see below).

“Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed.”- James 5:16

The second point Josh made was that you have to talk. Josh talked about a pivotal turning point in his recovery, when, in college, his pastor asked the group to anonymously submit if they had any sexual sins going on. This empowered him to confess and opened the door to years of mentorship which help him find lasting healing. Although confessing in an anonymous setting, like a 12-step meeting, is powerful and a great first step, Josh recommended that you have some people in your life who know. These should be some godly brothers who can really support you in your journey through this. Another key person is your wife. You cannot do recovery behind her back. These confession moments are so scary and initially don’t always go well, but Josh said it well, “God is gracious and He will help us in these moments”. The one thing I would add is I have NEVER heard a story of someone who found recovery without confessing to others and being fully seen by those in their life. Never.

Confession and Possible Outcomes

Josh and I discussed that confession could cause a lot of change in your life. It could cost you your marriage, Job, etc. But you have to do it in order to really find healing. I’ve tried it, with the best of them, to not be 100% honest while attempting recovery. It just doesn’t work. Another point we brought up is that you’re not happy. You don’t want to confess because it could cost you this life…that if you’re honest, you’re not happy. Trust God. He will make healing happen for you and those in your life, but you have to confess.

Both Josh and I have had personal experiences and heard many stories where those in the church and in leadership weren’t helpful. It could happen to you, but it will just be a road that leads you to a better place. It goes back to trusting God’s will for your life. The life you are living now is not what he intended for you. You can have better! Go for it! One recommendation I have as a first step is a LDS 12-step meeting. If you are not LDS, it is very unlikely you’ll see anyone from your congregation there. It is very Christian and would be a great first step. 

 “I’m going to do what’s right, and come what may I’ll deal with it” - Josh

Serving in the Church and Being a Sinner

Josh talked about how the man who mentored him moved to plant a new church and ended up falling into sexual sin and losing his testimony. It doesn’t mean that what he did for Josh was wrong or that he gave Josh bad advice. This is a good example that we all sin. Your leadership and faithful actions to build the church and help your fellow brothers and sisters is awesome. As you know, I started this Blog not being sober and I’m still not. Yet I’ve been able to help a lot of men in their recovery find resources and hope. The adversary would have you believe it’s an all or nothing game. Either you’re perfect and a good leader or you’re not perfect and your leadership is crap. It just isn’t true.

“Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord”. - 1 Cor. 15:58

Self-Disclosure and Leadership 

There is often a belief that if you self-disclose as a leader it will discredit your leadership efforts. Josh and I believe the exact opposite. Josh shared how he spoke at a men’s conference a couple of years ago and talked openly about his story of sexual sin and recovery in his congregation and its been used to change lives. It only enhanced his leadership in his church community. Although there have been some who are negative about it, his experience has been overwhelming positive. 

 “That self disclosure piece as a leader in my mind is foundational. You have to be able to say, ‘I’m a real person like you too, I’ve blown it too, and here is how God is helping’.”  – Josh

Brother, I have no doubt that you are a game changer in building God’s kingdom. Both Josh and I can relate to you, seriously. We don’t offer our advice from the bleachers but shoulder to shoulder with you in the trenches. I commend your courage for reaching out here in this place as I know there are many who have the same questions you do, but not the courage to voice them. Thanks for sharing that courage! I asked Josh if you were sitting in front of him, what he would say to you. Here is his answer:

“There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” - 1 Cor. 10:13

God is going to provide a way out. He wants you to confess it to find healing. That verse is true or it is not. Test your faith against God’s promises. Josh’s recovery road was years, and it is for most men, but he’s seen change, as he has now been sober sexually for 18 years.  

Resources Mentioned

Loving Utah Pastor Network

Standing Together Pastor Network

Find a 12-Step Meeting

Betrayal Trauma Resource: The Heart of a Woman Retreat

Last year I posted about my top-secret recovery resource: The Wild at Heart Retreat. This retreat is a game changer! I hope that you have taken the chance to listen to my post with Dorothy Maryon, CMHC about Betrayal Trauma and understanding our wife’s experience. Our wives get put through the ringer with our addiction and recovery and it’s not their fault. If only there was a top secret resource for their healing too…turns out there is!  

For this podcast I sat down with the founder and two members of the prayer team for the Heart of a Woman Retreat, the sister retreat to Wild at Heart for men. Here they describe the retreat. I strongly encourage you to listen to this one and feel the spirit of the experience this retreat can be for the women in our lives. To the women: you deserve this. To the men: show this to your woman and let her know you’re sorry for hurting her, you support her finding healing and recovery, and you are more than happy to take the kids for a weekend. Battle for her heart men! Here is a way you can! 

 Come join us October 11-13, 2018                                                       Register at www.theheartofawoman.net                                                 Use the code UNASHAMED and get $25 off!

“ I showed up. I remember saying the prayer, ‘I am giving you all I can right now and that’s not a lot, but I need you to show up for me.’ …He showed up for me every way possible. I’ve never felt more accepted and loved by God in my life, right where I’m at.” –Lindsay

The Heart of a Woman Retreat  “cracks the code” for many women looking to restore their trust in God, connect to Him in deeper ways, see themselves as they were created to be, and heal their battered and wounded hearts. This three-day retreat is designed especially for women who are exhausted, numb, and overwhelmed. You unplug from the world for three glorious days and plug into God’s messages for you—you are enough, you are loved, you are beautiful, you are important.

Held each fall in the mountains near Wanship, Utah, the Heart of a Woman Retreat is a faith based, Christian women’s retreat based on Stacy and John Eldredge’s book Captivating – the sister book to Wild at Heart. Women of all ages and places in their spiritual journey find hope, peace, and acceptance as they are immersed and enlarged in learning how God loves them, have time alone with God, enjoy some amazing adventure, and make friendships that last a lifetime.

“It was huge for me to disconnect from my roles back home. I got to matter for three days and that was really powerful for me. It was so important for me to reconnect with me as a person and connect with other women.” – Anarie

At the retreat, many women learn how God really sees them and loves them for the first time in their lives. This is not therapy, self-disclosure, advice giving, or sensitivity-groups. This has nothing to do with your husband’s addiction, but everything to do with the restoration of your own heart.

Come join us October 11-13, 2018. Register at www.theheartofawoman.net using the code UNASHAMED and get $25 off.

James & Kristy's Recovery Story

It’s time for another couple’s journey through all the difficulty that addiction is and finding hope and healing. James and Kristy took 14 years to finally start their real journey with God, but it was worth it. As you read and listen I hope that there are parts of their story that resonate and that you can relate to. Their story is a great example of becoming unashamed about who they are and the mistakes they’ve made and unafraid of really connecting with God and seeing the life He has for them. 

James first found pornography at 8 years old. In a more typical type of experience he knew it was wrong, but as he went through his adolescence and teenage years it kept coming up.

James’ father was an alcoholic who he mostly remembers as drunk. Then had a stepfather that was very strict and not emotionally available. He describes his childhood as holding a lot of shame and that he didn’t have a safe place or person to talk to. He did have one friend whom he did talk to about his masturbation issue, but also other friends who helped him find pornography.

“He spoke to me ‘Neither do I condemn thee’, I was the woman in the story, and it lifted all that shame and self-condemnation away from me. All that judgment, self-hatred, and loathing started to be lifted and healed within me. For the first, time I could start to accept myself, even with my weaknesses.”                                                                                  - James  

            Addiction really took off for James when the Internet came out, which happened right when James got back from his LDS Mission in England. Working at a tech company, pornography addiction started to “sink its teeth in.” During this time, it was happening on a daily and weekly basis. For a while he was working the “try harder” gospel on one side of the dual life and addiction on the other. He was in this state when he met Kristy.

“Sex was how I gauged if I was loved or accepted.”                 -James

            Kristy was brought up in the Mormon Church but her family wasn’t really that into God. As she became a teenager she started to move away from a life with God. When she and James met she had started on a path of making changes in her life to get closer to God. When they got married she disclosed her own past and gave James the opportunity to be honest about his demons. To James’ credit he was honest about his pornography addiction (although at the time he didn’t really know it was an addiction.) They both figured after they got married it wouldn’t be a problem anymore. Like the rest of us, crossing marriage didn’t make the difference.

            James and Kristy spent the next 14 years on the rollercoaster of addiction. Sometimes James would tell the truth sometimes he wouldn’t. Even though James was only viewing pornography around every 3 months they talked about how it really damaged their emotional intimacy. Having an alcoholic father who was a mess it was hard for James to think of himself as an addict. His dad was the picture of an addict, not him. They both had shame around seeing this "Occasional" porn use as an addiction.

“The once every three months...the part that sucked about that was it was long enough to make you feel like you did not have that much of a problem with it, but it was often enough to remind you that you had a problem with it.” - James 

“Anyone that is a liar knows what a heavy burden that lying is.” - James

            One day James felt the temptation coming on and asked God to help him avoid it this time, but again he slipped. This really made him downward spiral. Then he was reading about pornography in a book. On the back of the book was a question asking, “If you have told yourself that you are never going to look at pornography again, and you go back to it, you’re probably an addict.” This was a light blub moment because James believed if he was an addict that meant he could get help. This was the start of their recovery. James and Kristy did group and individual therapy at LifeSTAR. Kristy was not happy about it at first, but found her own journey in healing and self-discovery.            

“At some point, when you’ve been hurt repeatedly by the person who is supposed to be the one who loves you the most, it shuts you down emotionally.” -Kristy  

            James has had some great sobriety and found some big changes in his life with Kristy and his relationship with God. One of the first things that was big for James was embracing full transparency both with Kristy and with himself about his past and who he is now. Honesty is so hard to start doing, but James talked about the heavy the burden of living a lie was. The next big thing for James was working on understanding how much shame he had. Working to recognize and heal from shame was another burden lifted. The other big “ah-ha” moment is when James was really able to reconnect with God on a personal level. For him, he felt his experience with God was like the woman taken in adultery. He finally felt God’s love and acceptance and this was a huge part of removing shame and self-hatred. These experiences also helped him have a greater capacity to love others. He still had some anger with God, asking, “Why did you take so long?” In our post on the Wild at Heart Retreat, James talks about how he was able to get past this anger with God and how God really showed up for him there.

“Wanting not only her to know me, but to start to fully know myself and to start not hiding from my own demons and my past.” - James 

“God told me, “I love you right where you are at.” And that was unbelievable to me.”                                - James

Both James and Kristy have made big changes in recovery and seen some big miracles. They have changes in their happiness, intimacy, and relationship with God. They both talked about how a lot of these changes aren’t easy, but so worth it! They have a new way of life with God that has passion and joy and purpose. I hope you take the opportunity to listen to their story.     

“The most beautiful and wonderful things that happen to the human heart are a result of the brokenness. It is the broken heart that God can take and fix. The one that thinks it’s whole, God can’t do a lot with that.” - Kristy

Anonymous Questions Answered Ep: 3

We are back with our third edition of answering anonymous questions. I want to give large props to those who submit these questions. Also, so sorry it took us so long to get this one out! I hope our answers are helpful. To answer this episodes question I was able to catch up with Brian Murdock, LCMHC of Brian Murdock Counseling. Brian has been in the mental health field since 1992. In private practice he currently works with sexual addiction and traumas connected to those addictions.

Your Question: I'm grateful I found this site. My life situation is such that I don't have any "safe" people I can talk to besides my wife, who is amazingly supportive and understanding. There limits though to how much she can help. So my question for you is, what do you define as "being sober." I find for drug addicts and alcoholics, it's easy. You can want to drink. Think about drinking. But as long as you don't drink, you're "sober" and thus "worthy" in the eyes of a bishop. I feel with any form of SA, there's such a continuum. My brain and emotions have been broken for so long that phrases like "do your best" "when you feel worthy" "when you feel forgiven" "when you no longer want it" are of no help. I want to be sober and past this so badly. But I don't even know what that is other than "not having any arousing thought about anything except my wife," which seems impossible. Thank you.

Answer: To get to the first part of your question about defining sobriety. It sounds like you are asking ‘When do I finally know I am ok?!’. I’ve asked myself these questions a lot. I can also relate to feeling like you are on a merry-go-round that you can’t get off. The first thing is understanding the difference between sobriety and recovery.

“You can have those same thoughts and not be acting on those behaviors, which Steve just defined, and that’s being sober. That’s not recovery in my mind; recovery is what I think you're craving and what you want. In recovery, I felt there was almost a physical change in my brain.” – Brian 

Sounds like you get sobriety. When you start working on recovery Brian described it as a lifestyle change. Having more awareness around your emotions and thoughts.  “I don’t have to constantly be on guard. I don’t have to constantly be fighting those thoughts. And it is absolutely possible to get there.” Recovery is a little different for everyone but some themes are honesty, self-compassion, and connection with God. Brian also talked about how the work of real lifestyle change just seems like a lot of work upfront, but we can tell you, it’s worth it. I’d recommend listening to Chris & Autumn’s story and Mack & Melissa’s story. The idea that you’ll always be fighting this just isn’t true. With sobriety and recovery, you can be free.

“One of the biggest things we have to remember is self-compassion and self-care. We know that God loves and always will no matter what. If we can take that knowledge that he loves us and have that be our core versus “I’m bad” then we can move forward…Just because we’ve made a bad decision (or decisions) doesn’t mean we are bad.” - Brian

Lastly, you talked about how you feel alone. Haven’t we all! I highly recommend connecting and participating in a 12-step group (ex: SALifeLine), group therapy (ex: LifeSTAR), or retreat (ex: Wild at Heart). “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, the opposite of addiction is connection” – Johann Hari. In my experience, I have not found any men that find recovery without having connections with some other men where they can talk about the addiction out loud. If you have men that are organically in your life (bothers, friends, etc) all the better and I promise there are men close to you that also struggle with sexual addiction.

We hope these answers have been helpful! Thank you for having the courage to ask and be an Outsider. By doing so you give other men courage to reach out and connect as well.   

Anonymous Questions Answered – Episode 2

We are back with our second edition of answering anonymous questions. I want to give large props to those who submitted these questions. I hope our answers are helpful. This Episode I sat down with both Chris and Todd Olson, LCSW, one of the Co-Founders of LifeSTAR, to help answer these questions.

Question:  I am wanting information on sexual addiction and marriage.

Answer: Aren't we all! Our resources page can be a great place to start (click here). If you are an addict, I recommend 12 Steps as a first stop. They are free and very de-shaming and hopeful meeting.Todd mentioned LifeSTAR St. George, which has some really great blog posts (click here). I would recommend HopeandHealinglds.org, which is a good resource to find information if you are a spouse or family member (click here).   

Question: I will try to be concise, and thanks in advance for your open site and welcoming energy. You probably hear from a lot of guys and I am wondering if I can leverage that experience and advice. 

I am coming here tonight because I gave in to pornography and masturbation. I was clean for many months in 2017. But how many is enough? Only forever is enough. I had 1 slip in December and now 2 in January 2018. I have my life's score in my mind right now. It is probably faulty logic to think that way, but how else to measure? My slate has been wiped clean many times and then I mark it up again. Coming up on 4 decades of life. Decade 2 seemed to sow the worst seeds. Media addiction to numb from work /job; I probably had 15 severe indulgences to pornography videos, and half that number again in masturbation. The sins made me shake in my soul sometimes praying for forgiveness in the very act. But not yet shaken enough to be free. And the monster returns to feed.

2017 had so much momentum with 11 months of clean and free. I felt free, I felt clean. I had lost much of the desire for any media and therefore built up time and space against my opposition. But now, I worry the gains I had been blessed with in 2017 are evaporating. Am I an addict and do I need to confess to my wife? I have never told her. Maybe she knows in her soul already. I am terrified to open up to her to confess I have let in monsters. But I am more terrified of failing to my sacred and divine purposes and privileges.

My #1 question for you is this: Can it be just Christ and me? Working it out until I am free?

I know about afflicting and unclean spirits and that I succumb to the natural man that I am. But I believe in Christ who believes in me to overcome it and to change and no more be influenced by it. I know the Lord. Even if tonight it is as a wretch. Yet still, he has been free to me with love and grace. I have promises from him I trust. If I say I have not sinned then I am a liar, but can I say I will not sin in this thing anymore and be true? I believe it is possible.

Answer: First off, yes we believe being 100% healed is possible! This is not something you need to struggle with your whole life. Second, you are not alone in your story. 

-  I have my life's score in my mind right now. It is probably faulty logic to think that way, but how else to measure? -

Chris says, "Sobriety and recovery are two different things, but they go hand in hand." He's right. We can also understand your frustrations of relapse and wanting to get off the merry-go-round. "I kept thinking why do I keep slipping? This is terrible I'm never gonna stop! But then I started looking at it as, 'today I'm going to be sober,’ instead of looking at it as I need 5 years of sobriety or 10 years of sobriety. That's when I really started seeing sobriety when I focused on recovery."

Todd shared, "I think he thinks that just stopping is enough and it's just way bigger than that...sexual addiction is more of an intimacy (emotional, spiritual, and sexual) and attachment problem. He is kind of missing the boat if he thinks if he just stops that will fix it...here he is seeking some knowledge and I think he'll figure it out." 

In my experience, Todd and Chris are right on. If you can change your focus to recovery you'll see your life and sobriety take off. 

- Can it be just Christ and me? (asking, should I disclose to my wife) -

"What I see is an avoidance of telling wife is a way of managing to make sure the marriage works and that's not what intimacy is. Intimacy is that we have each other's backs and that we can talk about anything with each other. 'And we are not just talking about sexual intimacy we are talking about'[Chris]...relational, emotional, closeness and connecting. so how close am I? If I'm not telling her because I'm afraid of what will happen, that's just managing outcome...aren't we supposed to talk to those that we are close to?"  - Todd Honestly, I don't know how to say it better than that. This also goes along with the earlier answer about recovery vs. just sobriety. It's about you gaining a great relationship, and you and your wife being happy. 

Next is the how do you tell your wife. We all HIGHLY recommend doing a full-disclosure. Meaning you don't keep it all, nor do you let little pieces out slowly. However, we recommend that you go to a counselor first and do full disclosure with them and then with your wife. "That's how addiction feeds by isolating yourself. You not disclosing that information to your wife makes it so that addiction can still breed and allow the monster to come back. You're trying to do it on your own and I don't know anyone who has ever done it on their own." - Chris. LifeSTAR has a great workbook for you to fill out and one for your wife. I'd also do the actual disclosure with you, your wife, and a counselor in the room. To give you a ray of hope I asked Todd how many couples stay together after a full disclosure. You ready?...(drum roll)...80%. Ps. the national average is 50%, right? Full Disclosure is worth it. "If you do your disclosure our of fear, you'll leave some stuff out. If you do your disclosure out of guilt or shame, you'll leave some stuff out. If you do it out of vulnerability in that 'I'm choosing to share all of me with you, and show all of me to you, to give you (wife) a choice as to whether you want me or not' and it's really respectful." - Todd. It may take you a little time to get to that vulnerable place and really be ready to disclose, so start the process today! 

"Trust and safety don't come from sobriety. Trust and safety come from, [the wife saying] 'this guy has changed. He's different. He does life differently and he's honest. That's what I trust.' It's not just the sobriety." - Todd. Chris talked about how his relationship is so different as he focused on recovery and did full disclosure. He gave Autumn (his wife) the choice to stay or leave. And if you listen to their story (click here) she talks about how she saw him become a different man, not just sober. Chris is coming up on 10 years of total sobriety and 20 years of marriage. I highly recommend you listen to his story.       

Brother, we are with you and can very much relate to your questions. Thank you so much for your courage and we know you can find sobriety and a recovery life that is full of happiness and fulfilling relationships. Jesus heals and we know it! Chris and I are just some regular dudes who have done some super messed up stuff but have seen the miracles of Christ's atonement. As we always invite all, come be an Outsider with us and see what God has for you!   

 

Anonymous Questions Answered - Episode 1

This post has been a long time coming and I apologize to everyone that we have taken so long. With that said…drum roll…here is Anonymous Questions Answered Episode 1! We encourage anyone who has any question(s) about sexual addiction recovery to submit questions and we will get therapists, men in recovery or whoever is needed to get a real effective answer. I give huge props to those who had the courage and were unashamed and unafraid enough to submit these questions. Thank you for helping us built a larger open conversation around sexual addiction recovery!