Mack & Melissa's Recovery Story

Every story of recovery I hear gives me greater hope. We share similarities, but each is so unique and inspiring. Mack and Melissa have a passion for life that is infectious! But life wasn’t always that way. Melissa was blindsided like my wife was and Mack walked without God.   

 “Now looking back I didn’t realize the lost that existed in the moment [I discovered his addiction].” –Melissa

“I was really trying to break pornography on my own. It’s like I was drowning, but not asking for a life jacket” – Mack

 “I would cry out to the Lord every morning, ‘either kill him or fix him. I don’t care which one you do’ but I can’t keep going like this.” – Melissa

Their story shows how God is always reaching out for us. As they both connected with God in their personal journey, recovery started. Mack and Melissa do such a good job of describing the changes in their mindset and actions.

From anger and despair to hope and happiness. As I sat with Mack and Melissa in their home listening to their story I could feel the hope. I could feel the change and it made me want to reach for God in faith more. I know as you listen to their story you can feel of that same hope.

“I started down this spiritual walk with God again and through that is where the healing came in. I’ll never forget the first men’s group that I was involved in. I realized other people did {porn} too. I wasn’t alone.” – Mack

“Do I feel completely healed? Absolutely. We can sit around and say I’m an addict, but that’s an identity. You are owning that you are an addict. You can also say I am a child of God, I am no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God. That’s what you want to own.” - Mack

“The closer I got with God and I saw how much more he loved me the last thing I wanted to do is look at porn.” – Mack   

“Everyone who is there [porn], is looking for life in a dead place.” – Melissa

Attachment - Our Need to Connect

Todd Olson (LCSW, CSAT)* is a founder of LifeSTAR Network with over 25 years of experience with Sexual Addiction. He explains that we are wired to connect (see Still Face Video). 

"Everything I can get from an Addiction is what I wish I could get from my secure attachment person. It is either in my mind as a hopeful someone down the road or the one I'm in a relationship with right now that I wish was different."

Attachment is our ability to make emotional connection with others attachment links to addiction because if we have negative attachment (every style except secure attachment) we are most likely turning to our addiction when conflict, rejection, or negative emotions arises.

"You are at high risk to numb out [the emotional pain] with addiction if you have attachment issues."

If you don’t have secure attachment there is hope! Chris and Autumn’s story is a good example of changing from insecure to secure attachment. Our attachment style is often times linked to trauma.  

“You’ve got to learn to regulation your emotions. You’ve got to learn to regulate your thoughts and feels and stuff that comes to your system, so you can live in that balance.” 

Secure – If you relate positively to yourself and other people. No fear or anxiety. “You feel accepted and loved and respond to other peoples needs.”

Anxious – You experience anxiety about what other people think of you and make decision based on eagerness to please other people. “You’re kind of worried and you want to make sure things work out. They often doubt their value in relationships.”

Avoidant – “If you’re uncomfortable with close relationships, even though you desire them.” You just don’t trust them. You’re not good with conflict and want to avoid that. “When you are faced with rejection you’re more likely to just turn away from the relationship”.

Fearful – “If you think you aren’t capable of meeting needs. You are uncomfortable with closeness and building intimacy with other people.” It’s too scary to get close, so I make sure I’ll stay away.   

*LCSW=Licensed Clinical Social Worked CSAT= Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist. 

Steve's Recovery Story

“As long as I was living a dual life Satan had a firm grasp on me.”

 “The good Lord spoon-fed me along the way until I finally had the courage and the strength to shove the last of the secrets out the trap door and close it. That was the hardest thing for me. My life has changed today. I’m a different person. I lead a different life than I did before. I’m a happier person.”

I first met Steve at the Warrior Heart Weekend retreat and Steve is indeed a warrior. All of our stories vary and each story of recovery that I’ve heard has brought me hope in a new way. Steve’s story is no exception and gives me an immense amount of hope. I love how he describes how change and true recovery came about in his life after many failed attempts. I know that as you listen to him you will feel his passion and healing and sense his authenticity.  

You can e-mail Steve (recoveryinak@gmail.com) if you have any question about recovery or his story.  Also you can comment here and he will respond.  

“My addiction started at a very early age, somewhere around 9 or 10, when I found pornography under my father’s bed…that began a process in my life of secrecy and shame.”

“In terms of a dual life, I was the ultimate hypocrite.”

“I found myself embedded with this secret so deep down that if I ever told anyone about it would just completely blow my cover in terms of that dual lifestyle.  So I just worked really hard to keep it under wraps.”

“I was looking for the perfect sexual experience, I never found it, because it doesn’t exist.”

“In July of 2012 I was arrested for solicitation of prostitution.”

“I was able to truly admit to myself and recognize, ‘hey I’m a sex addict.’ I’m not going to be able to fix this the old fashion way.”

“For the first time in my life I came forward without being caught.”

“My wife had an inspired thought and that was for us to move to Utah for 3-6 months so I could work my recovery from addiction and she could work her recovery from trauma…I went to a therapy, or 12-step meeting, every day for 12 weeks ”

“(Steven) You’ve tried to recover a lot of different times. What was it that changed this time for real recovery? (Steve) 10 weeks in I did a full disclosure and shared my entire sexual history with my wife…Until I was able to do that and get that out of my secret box, Satan still had a hold on me.”

“My recovery will end when I become my own customer, and just so you know, I’m in the funeral business. I’m happy to do that because it’s a huge blessing in my life.”

 

 

 

How to Have Healthy Connective Sex - Part 3

This is the last segment of our 3-part series with Corey Holmgren (AMFT) on healthy sex. As before, we recommend that you listen to all 3 posts in order; as it’s all one long message. I learned a lot as I walked through this model with Corey, especially about how sex goes WAY beyond just the physical act. As I’ve reflected on my feelings on this subject, I’ve recognized that it does run deeper than just my physical “needs” or urges. I hope this message will help you reflect on your intimacy and give you hope that greater connection lies ahead.

“The opposite of what we see in porn is actually what healthy sex is. We gotta do a complete 180 and I hope that this is what I’ve been able to show.”

“The whole purpose is to create safety and a level of relaxation so that you can create complete connection with each other.”

“Try to listen to each others’ bodies and stay connected.”

“Don’t make orgasm the goal. Just make connection, relaxation, and safety the goal. If that’s it, you are always going to be pleased with the outcome.”

 

How to Have Healthy Connective Sex - Part 2

In our first part Corey Holmgren (AMFT - Associate Marriage & Family Therapist) set the stage for the beginning of a healthy and connective sexual relationship with our spouse. In the second part of this series, Corey walks us through the Safe Sex Model. If you haven't listened to Part 1 I strongly encourage you to listen to that first. Health sex is such a foreign idea to us sex addicts, but this model blows the doors open! Healthy connective sex is so possible for all of us.  

"Your safety protects your intimacy"

"Your bedroom is the most sacred room in your house, because if you really think about it the most sacred act is going on inside of your bedroom"

How to Have Healthy Connective Sex - Part 1

A common theme I found in recovery is that I'm not the only one who had a lack of education about positive and fulfilling sex. The more I've searched the more I've discovered most men (and women) don’t get taught anything either. Corey Holmgren (AMFT - Associate Marriage & Family Therapist) from LifeSTAR joins us in a series to talk about how safe, relaxing, and fulfilling our sexual relationship in marriage can be. 

For those of us in addiction this is like, what? All we've learned is what TV, pornography, and those who had a poor sexual education taught us. Corey walks us through these, frankly terrible, ideals we promote in society and how there is a way to really connect with our spouse through sex, beyond physically. 

"It changed our perspective on sex and our enjoyment of sex. We've actually been able to not only turn it into something physical, but something that's emotional, spiritual, and relational. We come together and we become one."  

"[Sex Addicts] really do want something healthy. When a sex addict is trying to engage in sex, what they are trying to do is engage to feel connected. They just don't know how to do it quite yet. They are used to numbing out through sex, not connect through sex."   

"Our attitudes towards sex play such a vital roll into how you’re going to be able to open yourself up physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually to your partner."

"It's so fun to see their eyes just light up. Both the recovered addict and the spouse are like, "this is what we were looking for the entire time!"

 

How Do You Win The Battle? Surrender.

Scott Peterson (LCSW, CSAT) (Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist) has over 20 years of experience with sexual addiction recovery. When I asked Scott to do a post with us I asked him to think about it and let me know. He immediately answered, "Surrender". It took me a while to start to understand the principle of surrendering my addiction, but it has made all the difference. . .or you can just keep trying harder. . .

"The paradox of Surrender: When we want to hold on tighter, when we want to exert our selves in terms of how much self-control or will-power we have. . .we in fact have to let go."  

"Vulnerability occurs when we take the two most important risks there are. The first risk is knowing our selves as we really are. There's no pretense, no attempt to deny. As well as allowing others to see us as we really are."  

"We need to make what is implicit inside of us explicit. If we are able to make it explicit it means we are able to do something about it."

"This is the heart of Surrendering, transferring our weaknesses from our hands and placing them in Jesus' hands. The opposite of 'white knuckling' it."  

 "Typically when we say, "I'm going to try harder" what that means is is I'm going to take all the methods I've used with addiction and just do them with greater intensity and greater strength and energy. But it's the same old way. It's the same old way that has not worked in the past and no matter how hard we try it won't work in the present or the future."

Why Trying Harder Never Works: Trauma

(If you haven't seen Disney's The Kid this is the scene where he sees a trauma from his childhood as an adult)

Most addicts don't want their addiction. If fact, when we can be honest, we hate it. Often times we try the "right" things again and again. Harder and harder, but things still don't go right. What is up? Is healing hopeless? Nope! TRAUMA!  

Angela Russell is an experienced LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker - therapist) who works specifically with Trauma. She has experience with both children and adults. She explains to us what Trauma is and how it can emotionally freeze us. She also teaches us how to discover its effects in our life and what we can do about it to find healing.

"The only thing worse than feeling pain is not feeling pain."                                                                                       - Mary Pipher, Letters to a Young Therapist 

"The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer.”                                                   - Edward R. Murrow

If you want additional information about Trauma Angela has recommended these two books:

I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

By Terrence Real

In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness

By Peter A. Levine

Chris & Autumn's Recovery Story

When I started recovery one of the first stories of recovery I heard was Chris and Autumn's. It gave me so much hope! I'm grateful they would be willing to share their story here with all of us. What is so amazing to me is how far they have come and how much lasting healing and change has really happened. I hope as you listen to their story you will feel of the hope and light they have and know you can experience it too. 

"I just felt the lowest I've ever felt in my life.  I felt like I was unworthy of living...then I tried to take my life." - Autumn

"Autumn was in and out of consciousness. I just picked her up and was holding her, waiting for the police to get there and just started praying. If God would let her live I would stop everything. I would stop the affairs, pornography, the masturbation, everything." - Chris

"We were referred to LifeSTAR and I didn't want to go. I was really mad. Cuz I'm like, 'there is nothing wrong with me here'. I felt like I was going to go to this group and I was going to be the only wife of an addict. I didn't even know what an addict was. At first I was all, 'that's a load of crap. There is no thing as a sexual addiction.' To my surprise it was not what I expected at all. It was a good thing."         -Autumn

"I opened myself up to healing my own life, because I knew if I didn't heal my life, if I ended up with some else, I could be in the same situation. I thought, I'm not going to do anything better by not bettering my life. I’m just going to hold all this bitterness, anger, sadness, and trauma that I've had from this. I especially wanted my own relationship with myself to be better." -Autumn

"We had been in recovery for 18 months and with that I was still lying. Within a year of everything coming out I started another affair. I made that promise to God, but Satan still had a hold on me." - Chris

"I hated the person I'd become. I was lying about little things that I didn't even need to lie about. We went to a movie and God told me, 'you need to change your life...your family needs you.' It took me about two more months to tell autumn." - Chris

"I decided to lay everything out. From growing up as a kid, all the affairs, to my addiction to pornography, everything. At that point I did a complete lifestyle change." - Chris

"I started praying, because I didn't love my wife anymore and I wanted to know how I could love her again. Part of my prayers were, ‘God, show me how I can love my wife again.’ And it was everyday. I was so focused on the negative things about my wife, that's all I saw. When I started focusing on the things I loved about her is when I started to see her the way I used to see her. I was finally able to get my best friend back again." - Chris

"I could see the physical change in him when he had told me everything. I could literally see...I pictured this big weight on him. I could see it lifted. I could see this light coming back to him. Even though he was still having slips and he was checking in with me. I saw him working his program and I knew he was going to heal his life." - Autumn   

"This has changed my life. I have found that I used my Savior's Atonement for myself. I have learned so much. Before, I saw only glimpses of the man God intended Chris to be and now I see more of the man God intends for him to be. He lives that way. It is totally worth it. It's the road that not a lot of people choose to take, but I did and I'm glad I did." -Autumn

"Is it worth it? Absolutely. To get me to become the man I am today, I would do it all over again. Especially knowing how close I am now to Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and how close I am to my wife. Learning that I can battle for my heart. That no matter what I've done I am still loved. I've caused a lot of pain and I won't ever forget the pain I've caused. Yet if my story can provide hope for one person, I'd share it with the world. I know without a doubt the love [Christ] has for you." - Chris

"I would tell everyone that they deserve to heal their life. They deserve that. It's their right to heal their life. I would tell everyone that your story is your own, it's no one else's. And to know that they are loved. We all make agreements with the adversary. Wives think they're not good enough and they'll never find happiness. I want people to know they are loved and there is always a way out. Always." - Autumn

 

Our Invitation

We are so excited to launch UnshamedUnafraid.com! Our invitation is simple: There is hope. We hear a lot of men who dismiss sexual addiction or who have struggled with it so long they think they are stuck with it. We invite everyone to connect with God and their true self and get real about sexual addiction. We hope what we share helps you to be unashamed about sexual addiction and unafraid to come unto Christ for healing. 

"The promise concerning the bruising of the heel and head means that while Satan (as the serpent) will bruise the heel of the Savior by leading men to crucify Him and seemingly destroy Him, in actuality that very act of Atonement will give Christ the power to overcome the power that Satan has over men and undo the effects of the Fall. Thus, the seed of the woman (Christ) shall crush the head of the serpent (Satan and his kingdom) with the very heel that was bruised (the atoning sacrifice)". (Source) 

Jesus crushed Satan's head!!! What does this mean for you? No matter how bad your addiction is now, no matter how many times you've slipped back into addiction after you think you've been done with it, and whatever lies satan has told you, all that doesn't matter you WILL win. The only difference between people who win and lose in recovery is whether or not they continue to try.

 Zig Ziglar Source (Mins 23-24)