At Least I'm Awake

For a lot of my life I was spiritually asleep. I swept my shame under the rug, ignored the pangs of my conscience, and remained blind to my deepest flaws. I even decided to accept some of my worst habits, resigning myself to always be their servant. I did this because everything else in my life was good enough to get by. I didn’t want to mess any of that up, so I figured it was better to keep my spirit sedated. Because part of me knew that if I ever really did wake up, it was going to mean war.

So I had an unspoken truce with my demons. I was willing to give them leeway so long as they didn’t cause too much trouble. One day, though, I realized that that peace was only an illusion. In truth, my demons were trying to kill me regardless of any arrangement. Inch-by-inch, they were going to destroy me whether I actively fought them or not. So I could stand up and go to war, or I could continue to lay down quietly and let them smother me to death.

In times like these, war is the better option.

That’s where I am right now. Eight years ago I decided I wasn’t going to take this lying down, so I decided to blow up the status quo and just see what followed. I did this by making a disclosure and getting into recovery. And ever since then, the battles have continued without ceasing.

In some seasons the war has gone well. I’ve identified core flaws, found healing, and seen bad behaviors changed. But there have also been setbacks and retreats. Overall, I like where I am now much better than where I used to be, but I’m still not all the way to where I want to be. Most days I feel firmly in the trenches, with progress coming at a trudging slog. That is hard, exhausting, and sometimes discouraging work. But at least I’m awake and fighting now.

It’s hard, but I wouldn’t rather be doing anything else. In all these years of struggle, I have never once regretted the decision to wake up and get in the fight. In fact, I’ve realized that the worst evil you could ever wish on another is that they be just comfortable enough that they never come alive.

I hope that this message comes as an encouragement to any reader who feels that he is right there in the trenches with me. Maybe you’ve tried a thousand ways to change your behavior, and maybe it’ll take a thousand more before you find the one that actually works. Maybe when you pray the heavens seem closed off to you, or maybe you regularly feel God’s love and wonder why that hasn't already changed you. Maybe you’ve already had victories in some areas and wish you could also have them in others, or maybe you’re still hoping for your very first win.

Regardless of where you’re at, to you I say, at least you’re awake and in this fight! You might be struggling, but at least you’re in the struggle! You came to this site and read this message today because at least a part of you is still dedicated to fighting this war. Part of you has discovered, like I did, that passive compromise just isn’t an option anymore.

And yes, the fight is hard, but only because we’re facing the problems that really matter. We’re grappling with the foes that can actually hit back, which means our attention is in the right place. So let us not give up on this all-important work. Let us accept both victories and setbacks as part of the process. Let us be unashamed to admit when we have fallen, and unafraid to get back up and give it another try. Let us be proud, because now we are truly living, now we have a true purpose, now we are awake!

By Abe, Writing Team

Feeling Adrift

The Lasting Recovery that Comes with Connection

I’ve been feeling adrift lately. Lots of change in career and life. Good friends have moved away, people are very busy with family, and so am I. Just kinda like ships passing in the night.

I reach out to others, but they aren’t available to reach back - or when they do, I can’t take their call.

But what is curious to me is that I still feel peace. All the work I’ve done to foster connection has created a foundation. Like a bank account, I’ve had so many deposits that now, when I am struggling to make more, the dividends cover the distance.

Working with Unashamed Unafraid, attending Warrior Heart Bootcamp, and reaching out locally to guys in my church and other churches have helped me see that recovery and life are seldom perfect. It’s always fraught with ups and downs.

There are moments of peace, but that can often also feel like I’m stalled out. God works a lot on me when I’m going through stress. I’m working to have it be eustress - the kind that builds mental, spiritual, and physical muscle - rather than the distress that leads me down the dark roads of addiction.

Whether you are early in recovery or a seasoned veteran, hold on during the dark days. The light will - and does - come. Sometimes suddenly, like a spotlight, and sometimes ever so subtly, like the hour before a sunrise.

“Work, work, work. It works when you work it, so work it because YOU are worth it!”

By Pete, Writing Team

Why Sex Won’t Solve a Porn Problem

After the reality of my undisclosed pornography use surfaced in our marriage, it was natural for us to wonder if more or improved sexual intimacy could be the solution. But as many men find out the hard way, it doesn’t work like that. The truth is, while many relationships are strained with legitimate challenges around frequency and quality of sexual intimacy, porn use is typically not about these issues. Instead, the issue is likely rooted in what I’ll call lust, along with the reasons behind its use.

Lust Defined

To clarify, I’ve come to use the terms lust and desire to draw a distinction. In this distinction, desire is what leads to healthy sexual intimacy in my marriage where authentic sexuality fosters intimacy and connection in addition to pleasure. Lust, on the other hand, distorts intimacy and connection which is why it acts as a gateway to porn - a sexual experience free of these healthy elements. And it turns a partner into just another way to feed a craving. One man described it this way,

“I can't have true union with my wife while lust is active because she as a person really doesn't matter; she's even in the way; she's merely the sexual instrument.”(Sexaholics Anonymous White Book. Chapter: Lust - The Force Behind the Addiction)

Lust is more about obsessive admiration and fantasy than authentic sexuality. It’s similar to hyperfocus, intrusive thoughts, and other unhealthy obsessions. They all have negative mental health consequences and ultimately manifest in destructive ways.

As is common, my lust and subsequent porn use were obsessive because they were serving as an immediate and effective method of numbing difficult emotions. It’s much like the misuse of food, alcohol, or drugs. That’s why trying to “outdo” porn can be like offering a box of donuts to someone struggling with their diet. It’s not eating that’s unhealthy, it’s eating the wrong things. It’s not sex that’s unhealthy, it’s using sex to compete with porn.

Partners of those using porn often try competing out of a misplaced sense of obligation, fearing that if they don’t, their loved one will return to porn. But this risks deepening a disconnect in the relationship as trust and respect slowly erode and resentment builds.

Instead, the healthy approach is to foster a relationship based on genuine emotional connection, offering love and support while encouraging their partner’s efforts to break free from lust and porn use.

Overcoming

There’s a hard truth that's been recognized for centuries: real transformation often requires the sacrifice of something we’ve grown to love and rely on. Overcoming my unwanted porn use was no exception. I had to give up lust. The realization had a shocking impact on me. I’d been clinging to ideas like “I can lust like a gentleman” and “Fantasizing is a harmless part of my sexuality”. But after time, and some brutal internal battles, I did accept that the sacrifice was necessary. And it was then that the chains began to fall away. It started with ownership - embracing honesty, seeking support, and facing the difficult emotions I’d been trying to escape. Controlling my thoughts (and my eyes) became powerful tools for attacking lust and the pull of porn at their roots.

Still, like many before me, I found that self-control only got me so far. The habits were too ingrained and powerful to resist indefinitely. I had to surrender the pride that had me relying on my own strength and reach out for God's deliverance. The good news that ultimately freed me was that as overpowering as lust and porn can feel, it’s no match for the grace and transformation God offers.

By Ty, Writing Team