Ep 21: Q & A Answers: Boundaries with Addicts and is God Part of Recovery?

Merry Christmas! Here is a special episode where all of the players in Unashamed Unafraid (UU) come together and answer listeners’ anonymous questions. We really appreciate all of the people who have tuned in this year. We have something special coming in the year to come but this won’t be discussed in this episode. What will be discussed in this episode is the questions from anonymous listeners like you.

In this episode the UU Crew and Kristy (wife of James) discuss the following questions:

1. Forgetting who we are to God, Figuring out our true selves, and the tools we have used.

2. Why can’t an addict stop?

3. Can an addict just stop cold turkey? Is there more? Are their lies?

4. Why did Heavenly Father tell me to stay with him through all the lies? Why did my husband continue to get called to be a leader in the church when he wasn’t living right? Is anything about my 40-year marriage real or true? How could he watch us (my kids and I) suffer because of his actions?

5. Can abuse be the reason for my addiction? How do I get rid of this addiction without therapy or telling my parents? Does God still care?

6. How can I help him to be willing and accountable?

7. Can a person truly be recovered without a spiritual component? How do I trust his recovery is genuine if there is no God to answer to?

Steve, Chris, James, CT, and Jason tackle all of those questions through their personal experiences and insights from their own recovery stories. Plus, Kristy gives great insight into what it is like for the betrayed to answer these questions too. These questions are awesome and we love them because we are reminded that we are human too and sometimes forget the answers that we are sharing on this podcast.

Question 1: Have any of you guys experienced a “forgetfulness” of who you are to God? And have you figured out who your true self is? If you have what tools, things, whatever, did you do to find your true self once again? And what are you continuing to do to learn more about what God’s plan is for you?

We all have experienced a forgetfulness of who we are in God. We continue to be reminded through our brokenness that God loves us. We found that really asking God to tell us who we are in Him is really what we must do. Then we need to accept the answer He gives us. Oftentimes, we see his love through “love notes” a sunset, through wildlife, through other brothers, etc. This can seem too hippy-ish but, James talks about how he had to experience the hippy-ish side of God before he realized just who God was to him. We just need to be reminded that He loves us no matter what. He will always be there for us. 

Question 2: Why can’t an addict stop?

We have all (including the addicts) asked this question. Steve also speaks about having to love an addict. It can be very difficult to love someone who wants to isolate. You don’t want to do it, you say you don’t want to do it, and then you do it. Chris explains that it comes down to a choice. Steve gives an analogy for people who don’t struggle with a sex addiction but may have another struggle with something else that comforts them. CT talks about how connection is the way out of addiction. Jason sums it all up by saying that addiction is not the problem. The problems in a person’s life leads to addiction. So, if we can address the problems in our lives healthily, we can overcome the addiction.

Question 3: Is it possible/realistic to believe that an addict can go cold turkey and completely stop acting out and that he has fully disclosed to me? If not, what is the best way for me to approach him to get the truth? 

Kristy describes how she has been able to recover from the betrayal of lies. She talks about how the betrayed have to get their own healing from the addiction. Kristy describes the tools that the betrayed must use to cope with the recovery/addiction of their spouse. She also talks about trusting intuition that is felt. Women usually are right in their intuition when it comes to lies. Steve talks about the difference between having a continued nagging feeling and a triggering situation. 

Question 4: Why did Heavenly Father tell me to stay with him through all the lies? Why did my husband continue to get called to be a leader in the church when he wasn’t living right? Is anything about my 40-year marriage real or true? How could he watch us (my kids and I) suffer because of his actions?

Steve mournfully said, “First of all, I am sorry.”

Next, Steve explained that her husband may have looked like he was not suffering, but he was. He was just showing everyone the person he thought he should be. Steve also talks about how even though from a church standpoint your husband may not have been “worthy” for the callings, God still will use a person despite their choices.

Kristy talks about how frustrating it must be. She also talks about how it is okay to ask the question why. It is okay because the Lord will stay with you. Her advice was to stay with the Lord and continue to ask the questions. He will answer you. He has always been there with you.

Question 5: Can abuse be the reason for my addiction? How do I get rid of this addiction without going through therapy or telling my parents? Does God even care?

The group talks about how minimizing sexual abuse is what the abused do. It is always a big deal. We also talk about how there is no way for someone to recover from a sexual addiction without others. There has to be therapy and a safe person(s) in the life of an addict for true healing and recovery.

Question 6: How can I help him to be willing and accountable?

The group agrees that the betrayed can never help the addict be willing and accountable. Kristy explains, “You cannot do therapy for him.” You cannot heal your husband. He is the one who has to be the one to do the work of recovery. She also says that the betrayed needs to find the help that they need. There may come a point in the marriage where the distance between the addict and the betrayed is too great. Bottom line, the betrayed need to get the help they need too. 

Question 7: Can a person truly be recovered without a spiritual component? How do I trust his recovery is genuine if there is no God to answer to?

Generally speaking, the people outside of the Christian realm, religious realm, etc. do not believe that sexual addiction is a real thing. This question will be answered based on the belief in the religious aspect. All of us tried to recover without the spiritual component and we all have failed. 

If these are some of the same questions you or you know someone who would benefit from getting these questions answered, please share this episode with them. They may not thank you now, but they will eventually grow to understand that the only way to be in true recovery is through connection and being unashamed and unafraid to come to Jesus Christ. We at UnashamedUnafraid encourage anyone who is struggling with these questions to invite Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ into their lives. Please visit us at UnashamedUnafraid.com or on Instagram, Facebook, and twitter at @unshamedunafraid. Enjoy the episode and remember that Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father are always for each and every one of us.

Resources:

The Shack - William Paul Young

Wild At Heart - John Eldredge

Following the Light of Christ - John Ponteus

Fathered By God - John Eldredge 

Ep 20: Matt’s Story - By Surrendering He Received Redemption

Steve and Jason sit down with an amazing man named Matt. Matt was on EP 18: Intro to 12 Step & ARP Meetings and explained a little bit of his story with the group. This time, he gets to talk all about his story. He opens up about his rocky childhood due to misguided views on what real connection should be. He also talks about how his parents were not safe. He talks about his relationships now and what has changed. He finishes by talking about what recovery means to him and his family. 

Matt was born to two very broken parents. He realized why very quickly. Even though he is the oldest child alive. He has four more brothers and sisters that came before him, but died before he was born. He did not have real connection so he sought out friendships that led him to pornography and masturbation through magazines and movies. This was the escape that he thought he needed because of his parents' absence in the home. He also found “love” through his girlfriend and she ended up getting pregnant. They married quickly and were divorced even faster.

“I did not have a love foundation at home. So I looked forward to being with my girlfriend.”

Matt then talked about how he was in major custody battles for his daughter. His ex-wife was making up terrible things about him to make him give up custody of their daughter. His daughter would end up being his inspiration for working so hard and trying hard in school. His daughter became sort of mascot for him and his friends during college. She became their inspiration too. Matt then started working at Disney and met the girl of his dreams. 

Matt and his dream girl started hanging out. He introduced her to his daughter and instantly they clicked. She was exactly who he needed because she was very positive and Matt’s life had been so negative up to this point. Matt married the girl and they were in heaven, but Matt fell back into the trap of pornography due to changing circumstances. His wife caught him and he confessed. Nothing of consequence really happened so he started it back up again pretty quick.

Matt then took it to the next level and started having an emotional affair with a classmate. Matt continued down this path for quite a while and soon found himself having an affair with his boss and another woman. When his wife found out about it, she told him that she would fight this battle with him. Matt was excommunicated from his church and still lived at home. His wife was fighting for his heart. Little did she know, but they were losing the battle. Because there was no real consequences he continued down the path of pornography and masturbation that led to having another affair. After that, his wife kicked him out and it finally hit him what he had done to this courageous and amazing woman.

Matt’s wife said that she was done being hurt by him and he would never hurt her again. She continued to recover on her own and so did Matt. She would make him come and take care of the kids and he got an impression that he should serve her without expectations. So he did. He cleaned the entire house while she would leave and then when she came home he slipped out the front door. Even though Matt continued to do this for months, his wife still wanted a divorce and that is where they were headed. Then one day she asked him why he wanted to be married to her. After his wife read an email from Matt, they started to repair their marriage. Matt saw her willingness to surrender and trust that Heavenly Father would be there for her and it inspired him to do the same.  Matt decided to surrender and that is when the real recovery started. 

Matt explained that he is not perfect and never will be on earth. Matt has had a lot of help through therapy, ARP, journaling, working out. Since Matt has done these things, he has realized that we all have been sent to earth to fail. Knowing that helps him understand and trust that Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us. Matt continues to encourage men to step out and surrender because it is the only way to true redemption. 

Matt’s story is raw and very real and we at Unashamed Unafraid are deeply grateful that he entrusted us with his story. Please share this with someone you know who could benefit from this post. Please listen to our podcast and follow us on Instagram and Facebook @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 19: Heart of A Woman Retreat: Personal Experiences

Keshia explained, “It was so pure and simple and was focused on the sole connection with God. I am not fighting that anymore. God is okay with where I am at.” 

Kristi, Mindy, and Keshia sit down with James and Steve and talk about the Heart of a Woman Retreat. They discuss what their lives are like right now, what their apprehensions were before going to the retreat, talk about what they learned there, what they would tell someone about the retreat, and who might be on the fence about going. The women are extremely open and vulnerable about their experiences and is an episode that will make you laugh and cry in the same breath. If this affects you and you know others who might be struggling, please consider sharing this with them because we are here Unashamed and Unafraid to share stories about addiction, recovery, and redemption through Jesus Christ.

Kristi has had a pretty crazy nine years. Nine years ago she got divorced and started taking care of her three kids on her own. She felt far away from God and that He had abandoned her. The last straw was she recently found out that her cancer is back. She had still been hurting from the divorce. Her friend Becky told her about the retreat and she decided to go. 

Mindy has been married for 18 years and she has been in betrayal recovery from her husband's addiction for the past two years. Mindy developed a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms. She turned her back on God. She also developed self-loathing because of the betrayal. She heard about the retreat on our podcast and told her husband about it. He immediately signed her up.

Keshia was married to her spouse for 8 years and she found out about her husband’s addiction 5 years into the marriage. She decided to get divorced and they have been divorced for 18 months now. Funny story, they are dating now. She heard about the retreat and decided to go because she was in a chaotic stage with her faith knowing that she could not go back to just living the “formula gospel”. 

So what were their apprehensions or fears about going to the retreat? 

All three of them felt so scared about not being able to connect with God. They did not feel that they would be the same after the retreat. They wanted to know if God really loved them and knew them personally. They were excited to report that God showed up in a big way! Here are some of the quotes that they said about what happened:

Mindy said, “It felt like light had been shined in my heart, in places that I had no idea were there.”

Kristi commented, “The prayers that were offered in that little circle were the prayers that will stay stuck in my heart, for years.”

They all explained that anyone thinking about going just needs to go. Mindy shared the scripture John 4:19 that says, “We love Him because He first loved us.” So, God gave us Jesus Christ and now it is our turn to move into that love. 

We at UnashamedUnafraid encourage anyone to reach out and go to either the Heart of a Woman Retreat or to A Warrior Heart Boot Camp, this is a great place to reconnect our souls to The Source of all the fruits of the spirit found in Galatians 5:22 and 23. If you or anyone you know might be struggling, please consider sharing this with them. Please listen to our podcast and follow us on Instagram and Facebook @UnashamedUnafraid. We all need someone who loves us enough to fight for our hearts, and God is there to do that.

Next Retreat is

Feb 20-22, 2020

Discount Code:

CYBER for $50 off on Cyber Monday.

UNASHAMED for a discount thereafter

Ep 18: Intro to 12 Step & ARP Meetings

“Addiction is a very private and lonely space and once someone comes into a meeting, they realize that they are not alone.” - Randy

“My anxiety was a 17 out of 10. I was shaking because I was afraid I would see someone I knew there. I got in there and saw two people and my instant emotion was relief.” - Matt

Jason, Matt, Randy and Steve sit down and talk about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints’ (LDS) ARP. This is a version of the AA 12 step program created by Bill W. The difference between the two versions is that the LDS Church focuses on the relationship that a person has with Jesus Christ. This episode focuses on what ARP is, what it is not, and how it can help the addict. ARP is a great start on the road to recovery. Listen in to find out about the healing and help Jason and Matt have received through the ARP program.

ARP is for those looking for a place of love, acceptance and forgiveness. It is a place where people can feel safe to talk openly about their struggles with addiction. The first-timers really feel relief when they walk through the doors because they realize they are not alone in the struggle. Matt talks about how he felt relieved when he saw people he knew; “My anxiety was a 17 out of 10. I was shaking, because I was afraid I would see someone I knew there. I got in there and saw two people and my instant emotion was relief.” ARP is not for everyone but is a great first step.

One issue some seasoned addicts have with ARP is that there are instances where there is no sobriety in these meetings. However, it takes a while for people to understand that they belong, they matter and that the addiction is just a mask for a deeper issue. This is where ARP may not be as beneficial for certain people because of what it is not: ARP is not a place where a person can get one on one help. ARP will likely not be run by a therapist. It is run by a facilitator. Facilitators guide the meetings and ensure there is no crosstalk or interruptions during a person’s share. It is not group therapy. 

In group therapy, a person sits with other people and a therapist and talks about his/her struggles with addiction. Steve describes an experience he had with group therapy and how the therapist interjected to teach and help Steve about what he was doing. 

Jason then continues and talks about what the four steps of support can be for the addict. 

ARP is the first step in this road of support. It is a support system for men to receive love and connection from other men. The second step is an accountability partner who is there for the addict. The third step is very similar to the second because it is having an accountability partner who will call the addict out on his/her crap. The fourth step which might be necessary is having a therapist. 

The bottom line is that ARP is there to assist men/women on the road to recovery. Randy believes that ARP is about repentance. The term repentance in German is “to turn about”. Repentance is to turn away from sin and never go back. This leads all men to redemption and change.

Please share this with someone you know who could benefit from this post. Please listen to our podcast and follow us on Instagram and Facebook @UnashamedUnafraid.

12 Step Meetings:

Ep 17: Theron Recovery Story - A Story of Healing and Redemption

“What I did not realize is that Heavenly Father was telling me that He had to sever the old relationship for a new one.” -Theron

Theron’s story is one of deep tragedy and amazing healing. It was an incredible experience to sit with him while he shared the immense difficulty and pain he has faced as well as hearing him talk about how he found healing, change, and hope. Despite all he experienced, he has gained an intimate relationship with God. Although Theron is still working on this recovery, the way he talks about his marriage and his new relationship with God is truly inspiring. Sharing stories that are unashamed and unafraid is our mission. However, this means they are usually raw, real and authentic. DISCLAIMER: Theron’s story has some traumatic experiences he faced in his childhood, so be forewarned.      

Theron was born into this world under extremely difficult circumstances. Theron’s dad and grandfather subjected him to things that no person should ever have to witness or experience. At five (or six) years old, he witnessed his father rape his sister and was subjected to ritualistic abuse and torture himself. 

Theron’s parents split up when he was 10 years old. Despite the abuse by his dad, he decided to stay with him because his mother was gone emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Theron had to grow up fast. He recalled having to regularly eat TV dinners and similar meals because of his dad’s neglect. As he grew up, he found distraction in drugs and alcohol. It was a good way to numb the pain of his childhood and the feelings of being unlovable and unworthy of anyone’s love. As a child and teen, Theron avoided God because he believed God did not love him and that he was worthless. 

But as Theron’s life was spiraling out of control with drug use, he felt like God intervened and wanted him to clean up his life. Theron went on to serve an LDS mission and thought that it was his one shot at redemption. Because Theron wasn’t perfectly obedient, he thought he was a terrible missionary and had blown that shot. 

When he returned home, Theron decided to move to Colorado where he met the love of his life. Life was good with her for the first couple of years. Eventually, Theron fell into pornography while attending college. Over time his sexual acting out went further and further until he ended up having affairs. He was full of shame and convinced that his wife would divorce him if he told her about it so he put together a plan. The plan was that as soon as his youngest left home to go to college, he would divorce his wife and then get help. Over time, he realized he couldn’t wait that long and told his wife he wanted a divorce. She said, “No, we need to go to counseling first.” At this time Theron had not disclosed anything yet. Fast forward several months of therapy, Theron chose to spill all of his secrets to his wife, including the horrible things from his childhood. Theron wrote down everything. Once Theron opened up to his wife, he was scared that he would be “excommunicated” from his church. Excommunication is when a person loses their membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

“What I did not realize is that Heavenly Father was telling me that He had to sever the old relationship for a new one;” full of love and compassion. Theron has felt so much outpouring of love from his Heavenly Father. He has had some personal and sacred experiences that he deeply cherishes. Theron has learned from his Father in Heaven how to truly love people and be present for them. 

Theron still has his struggles with pornography, but he is “All In” when it comes to his recovery. He is completely honest about his struggles and understands that he is not perfect. That is okay for him because he knows his Father in Heaven still loves him fully and deeply. He has the trust and hope that he will win this war. 

It was an honor to interview Theron. His story is extremely raw and real, but he has survived to tell it. And we at Unashamed Unafraid know that his story will impact someone who might be struggling.

Please share this with someone you know who could benefit from this hopeful story.  Please also listen to our podcast and follow us on Instagram and Facebook @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 7 - Anonymous Questions Answered: Bipolar, Dailies, & Shame

“Hyper-sexuality is beyond lust. It is insatiable. 57% of Bipolar depressed during their manic phase are hyper sexual. You are not alone” - Todd

For our 7th Anonymous Questions episode, we brought back a favorite guest Todd Olson, LCSW. Todd is one of the founders of LifeSTAR and practices here in Utah. He will address three questions we received. The first one is about dealing with sexual addiction while having bipolar disorder. The second one is about dailies and what they are. The third one is about shame. Shame is such a big topic that we will be covering that in a future podcast. As always we commend the courage of our anonymous question-askers for being willing to reach out and be vulnerable.  

Question: Does hyper-sexuality in those with Bipolar disordered have any relevance here? The urges to act out to feed that sexual desire can be overwhelming. At this point, sex is not fun. It is more of a compulsion. It can lead to affairs, excessive masturbation ( sometimes many times in one day, and more). How does one overcome this- especially since bipolar disorder is a lifelong disease? How does one reconcile breaking the commandments with such a serious sin and feeling the shame and fear that this will happen again?

Answer: Todd explains that it is good this “caller”  has an awareness that they have a version of bipolar disorder and they are aware of their symptoms. He also talks about how their story needs to be heard. Just like how all of struggling with addiction don’t battle alone. Those struggling with bipolar disorder also need support around them who know their story and what they are struggling with.

Todd goes on to explain the different types of Bipolar disorders. There are five different types: Bipolar Depressed, Bipolar Mania, Bipolar Mixed, HypoMania, Dysthymia. The nice thing about this mental health disorder is it can be managed and there are three things that will help a person with Bipolar disorder manage it:

1. Get Help from a medical doctor, psychiatrist, or an advanced nurse practitioner.

2. Get on the right medications - This is the most important!

3. Have a trusted friend to walk you through this

Bottom Line: Everyone’s story needs to be heard and bipolar can be managed, although it’s not easy. We are praying for you! 

Question: I’m a recovering addict to pornography as well as an ARP missionary. I did my recovery a little backward because I got called to be an ARP missionary, got inspired to make changes, and started working the steps. I feel like I’m fairly new to the 12 step recovery scene. My question is about “dailies”. I hear people talk about doing their dailies and I’m not exactly sure what they mean. I understand the importance of daily communion with God and meaningful scripture study but is there more that I’m missing? Can you explain what people mean when they talk about dailies?

Answer: What are Dailies? Why do addicts need them? How do I know if they are working? Normal people do dailies. They do not think about it. It is a part of their routine. We as addicts have gotten off track and the addiction has hijacked our brain. 

Dailies are activities that will help us connect to God. As addicts, we have disconnected from God because of our shame. He cares about the addiction because He knows that real connection is so much better. The dailies are a way for our brain to heal itself and help us stay on track. “Dailies are a temporary brake system to stay on track while their brain heals”.

The biggest thing about dailies that we need to remember is that they cannot be so rigid. We need a variety of ways to connect with God. Sure reading scriptures and saying prayers are great ways to connect, but they don’t always work. If we stay rigid, we will just go through the motions and fall right back into the addiction because our heart is not in it. Also, do not have too many dailies. If you get overwhelmed because of your dailies, you are not connecting. Connection is a big way we feel God’s love for us in the deepest of levels. If we don’t consciously strive to feel connected to His love daily, we will fall back into the addiction. 

We also need to remember that our bodies need rest and exercise. If we are not getting enough rest or exercise our brains do not function properly. Our brains need oxygen. Rest,  exercise and water are great ways to get oxygen to our brains. Our brains need these to heal the addiction. 

Bottom Line: We need three things to have successful dailies: creativity, excitement, and relaxation. 

Question: What are effective tactics in breaking the shame cycle? I understand that there's a difference between shame (I am bad) versus guild (I've done a bad thing) but I'm spinning my wheels trying to break free from shame. What have folks shared that you've found helpful on this aspect of addiction?

Answer: We must become an expert on shame to know how to deal with it. The cycle starts out with the control phase. The person is trying to get control of their life. Examples are cleaning, exercising, and getting healthy. Basically we want to manage the outcome. We will blame, placate (go with the flow), we are going to read the scriptures better and study harder. But that is too much to ask of anyone. It winds the person up and then they fall.

When we fail, we are taken to the release phase. The release phase is where all the addiction comes out. Lacking self-control, acting out, are all part of the release phase. That is where all the shame comes into play. When we have shame we decide that we are going to do better and try harder. This is a setup. Nobody will be able to withstand this cycle.

James and Chris talk about how they broke the shame cycle by understanding who God was and how much compassion Heavenly Father has for each and every one of us.  When they saw that Heavenly Father wanted to love them without boundaries, they started to have self-compassion. 

If we are looking to manage the outcome, we must let go of that. Shame hates exposure but honesty is the only way out of shame. Learning not to manage outcome is the way into true freedom. When we do that, we are ready for the next step.

The final step is figuring out what healthy shame is. Learning this and applying it to help us want to change through asking for help or clarification on something is extremely freeing. Then, we must ask ourselves where this came from? It came from how we were growing up. We needed to manage how people viewed us. It was a way to survive. Todd equates the vulnerability and letting go of control as a form of a death experience. It is scary but it is worth it.

We hope this helped answer your questions and again commend the courage of our anonymous question answers for helping all of us in recovery with their vulnerability. Thank you!

Our Best Recovery Resource: The Warrior Heart Retreat

“I’ve always been a box checker and thought that I could earn my way into Heaven. Any time you try to earn your way to Heaven, you fall short and the shame and guilt come rushing in.” - Aaron

“I thought it was going to be a sharing or a therapy thing, but it wasn’t that way at all.” - Mike Blake

“My wife told me, ‘I love the man you become when you come home from retreat’. It is so worth it.” - Mike

“[Going up to the retreat] I learned that I am imprinting the image of God on [my wife and kids’] hearts from the way I am treating them.” - Sway

We have been extremely excited about promoting A Warrior Heart Boot Camp. What is it? You will have to listen to understand what it is and what it is not. If you want to know more about the accommodations and other questions you might have, please listen to this episode (click here) we did before. But before they get into the podcast, they have announced that an anonymous donor has donated a full free scholarship to the retreat (that’s $400)! To enter the giveaway you must: 1- Follow us on FaceBook and Instagram (@unashamedunafraid) 2-Tag 5 friends on the episode post 3- e-mail James@unashamedunafraid.com a brief e-mail about why you want to be considered. The podcast has four guests. Aaron, Mike “Blake”, Mike, and Sway. 

Aaron and Mike first heard about the retreat from their friend James who is a part of UnashamedUnafraid. James invited Aaron to come out to a “Band of Brothers (BoB)” meeting. BoB meetings are a continuation of the brotherhood at the retreat (click here). Aaron talks about what apprehensions he had about going to the retreat before he actually experienced it. It is not a therapy session.  It is a place where you are welcome. It is not a sales gimmick. It is a great place to get to know other men and feel like you are a part of something bigger than you. 

Aaron was also reminded of what he had learned while he was out in the mission field but quickly discredited what grace meant and felt like in his heart. He was reminded of the love that his Father in Heaven has for him. After the retreat, he has decided to work on being and feels like a better father, husband, brother, son, and friend. 

The next guest is “Mike Blake.” He has gone, as a participant to the retreat, three times. The first time he walked up the hill to register, he got one of the biggest hugs from an amazing guy named Chap. Mike “Blake” had a lot of anxiety or apprehension before he arrived at the retreat. Like Aaron discussed Mike “Blake” thought that he was going to be a loner and not really make any friends. “I thought it was going to be a sharing or a therapy thing, but it wasn’t that way at all.” He went to the retreat alone, but within the first few minutes he knew he was not alone at all.  He had an amazing experience at the retreat. He realized that God is so ready, willing and able to be there for him and everyone. He felt that he served an awesome mission that helped him “earn” his way to heaven. 

Mike has been James’ friend since they were kids. James kept asking him to come and Mike finally broke. Mike is different because he did not come from therapy and he was afraid that he was going to be lumped in with addicts. “I was kind of afraid that I was going to somehow be labeled with people that I didn’t belong with. Which was quickly dispelled. I wish I was as strong and as faithful as they are.”

Sway has been a recent guest on UnashamedUnafraid and he has been up to the retreat three times as well. Sway said, “My wife and I were separated at the time and it felt very selfish. In a way it was, but that is not a bad thing. Because those three days changed my life. It is now almost a requirement to go to the retreat.” Ultimately Sway was there for whatever adventure God wanted to take him on.

So what are the takeaways from the retreat for these four different men? Everyone echoed this takeaway. Getting validation from the people in your life and not from God is the wrong way to live life. Obviously, the people we associate with will validate us most of the time, but they can also invalidate us because none of us are perfect. But getting validation from God is exactly where we need to get it. Our wives, girlfriends, friends, brothers, sisters and parents will not fully give us the validation we so desperately need. And it is too big of a burden to have for anybody. Also, that God really does love each and every one of us and how much we need to rely on Him. 

Sway added one more when he said, “I am imprinting the image of God on [my wife and kids’] hearts from the way I am treating them.” This can be a very positive or detrimental experience. It all depends on the type of father (or mother) we had to form our version of reality. Bottom line, Aaron, Mike “Blake”, Mike, and Sway (and the members of UnashamedUnafraid) endorse “A Warrior Heart” retreat. This will change your life if you dare to let it. If you choose not to go, you will never know what you are missing. You might regret not learning the true heart of God. There are three cores of a man’s heart: a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue. We invite you to come on the retreat and learn from God about these core desires of the heart. 

The Story of Us: Richard and Becky's Recovery Story

“I never hated myself more than when I was being dishonest.” - Richard

“Healthy boundaries are not about controlling his behavior, it is about me feeling safe.” - Becky

Richard and Becky's story is an amazing story of honesty, creating boundaries, finding God, and ultimately the path of healing and hope. Richard does a great job of talking about how he has found acceptance with God even though he’s not perfect. Becky shares how she has been able to support Richard while creating boundaries and safety for her own healing.   

Richard grew up in a home that was very difficult to feel connection and affection. His mother did not hug him because she felt it was too sexually charged and so he could never really feel safe. His dad was not affectionate either, because he probably was on the autism spectrum. His dad was very distant. He also experienced bullying and didn’t feel like he could get help or support. His mother only heightened his curiosity about porn by telling him that it is very easy to find porn on the internet, so be careful. This opened the door of exposure. 

Combine that with how Becky grew up with an emotionally and mentally abusive father and you have an unsafe environment for both of them. Becky was also molested by a neighbor and she talks about how she masked her feelings by being the perfect student and child. She did not want to rock the boat.

When Richard and Becky started dating in high school, Richard actually confided in her about his porn and masturbation addiction.  At seventeen years old, they were longing for connection and it helped Richard to actually be honest for once. Richard ended up going on an LDS mission and came back and they got married seven weeks after he returned from his mission.

Richard was hardly ever there for her in the beginning of their life together. He was supposed to be going to class but instead would skip and act out. When Becky needed him most, that was when he seemed to be the most distant. They tried to go to counseling about 17 years ago. However, at the time therapists were only concerned about helping people with drug and alcohol addictions. They had no idea how to help with sex addictions.

It was a few years later when Richard and Becky found an answer to both of their prayers. They started to find resources in therapy, 12 step, books, and other resources to start on their recovery path. There have been a lot of different things that they have challenged, questioned, prayed about, gotten help, and started to change. Becky really needed the boundaries to feel safe. She realized this after a few years of her own therapy and learned that she could not control him with the boundaries. Richard found huge healing in reframing his relationship with God and realizing that God loved him even when he isn’t perfect. This was a big shift when we started inviting God to carry the burden of his addiction instead of Becky. He also started to find supportive relationships with other men, which was a big change for him. Another big change was Richard embracing being constantly honest. He has worked on being honest and open while Becky as worked on being able to hold space and have boundaries to support him.  

They have both realized their need for a Savior and connection to Him. Richard said that he never would have thought he would consider Christ as his friend, but he does now. Becky and Richard and Becky are still on their recovery journey and healing but shared that being in recovery has definitely been worth it. Even when there are days that are not so good. Please listen to their heartwarming story of betrayal and redemption despite having several other areas (like we all have) to work on with Christ infused in their marriage.

“If we are honest, we can get through anything.” - Becky

Recommend Resources:

Richard

"Fathered by God" by John Eldredge

Warrior Heart Bootcamp

Self-compassion

EMDR

Emotion Code

Theophostic Prayer

SA Lifeline 12-Step

Becky

"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means

"Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Heart of a Woman Retreat

Self-care

KLOVE

Sway and Rachel’s Recovery Story

“Recovery has been hell, but it is absolutely worth it. It is 100 percent worth it. It is hellacious, and fear was the number one ruler in my life before I found freedom.” - Sway

“Women have the whole world come crashing down. Now that we are back together, there are days that are difficult. But, YES. I do think it has been really worth it.” - Rachel

(TS0:00-5:00) Introduction to the Podcast: Steve and Chris announce the winner of “The Heart of A Woman” retreat. Due to generous donations from several individuals and Leading Saints, UnashamedUnafraid is sending three women to the retreat. We at UnashamedUnafraid hope this retreat helps them in their healing and they will find a love from God they have never felt before. With that, Sway and Rachel Chavez tell their story. 

(TS5:30 - 15:20) Who is Sway? Sway was introduced to pornography through his best friend between the ages of 6 and 8 years old and was taught how to masturbate around that same time. Sway’s Dad was a workaholic and was unavailable. Sway feels this influenced his decisions to follow the paths he did. Sway feels he was on his own through life without any real parental guidance about how to build a relationship with Jesus Christ. In his home, the children were expected to go to church each week and go on a mission but there was no solid modeling in relationships and connection. Sway found counterfeit connection and validation with girlfriends, porn, and masturbation.

“I remember telling myself that I could stop at any time. And I realized through my recovery that my emotional intelligence was completely stunted at the age of 10 or 12 years old” - Sway

(TS15:30-22:16) Rachel’s Story - Rachel grew up in a home full of change and closeness. She moved around nine times between Kindergarten and sixth grade. Her family grew very close in their relationships with each other because that is all they had for consistency. Her mother was a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and her father was a Baptist. As a child, Rachel was encouraged to discover her own path of spirituality and religion. 

(TS22:30-29:00) Sway Enters the Picture - Sway and Rachel met in college. When Sway and Rachel met, all Sway talked about was his ex-girlfriends so the date was a let down for Rachel. However, Sway was persistent and continued to text Rachel and soon, they were married. Sway’s addiction got the better of him and he was unfaithful after about six months of being married.

“In my F-ed up brain, I said that it was all her and not me. After therapy and recovery, I realized it was all me!” - Sway

(TS29:30 - 44:30) Addiction after Marriage - In November 2012, Sway and Rachel lost their first child shortly after he was born. During that time, Sway was caught texting a former high school classmate. He blew it off and said it was nothing. Sway was lying and manipulating and Rachel was mourning the loss of their child alone. On September 13, 2016, Sway’s lies started to unravel and the truth was set free. Rachel had found his Apple Watch and Sway had been sending inappropriate texts to someone at work. Rachel demanded, “You tell me everything right now!” Sway remembers that in the Spring of 2016 he was hoping to get caught because his dual life was eating him up inside. It took Sway a better part of a month to come clean on his lies. With the truth finally out and Sway being willing to be accountable for his choices, true recovery started to happen. 

(TS46:00 - 55:11) Recovery and the Hell You Must Go Through - God blesses and helps us in our journey in many ways. One of the ways he blessed Sway and Rachel was with an amazing therapist named Corey Holmgren (“Chap”) who was speaking at a conference Sway attended. He knew he had found his guardian angel and one of God’s gifts of recovery for him. Chap helped both of them find a relationship with Christ on their own individual journeys. At first, Rachel couldn’t care less if the marriage lasted. She was just trying to be a good mom and wanted Sway to at least be a good dad. Ultimately, Chap helped save their marriage too.  Sadly, Chap passed away in an accident January of 2019. However, Sway still feels Chap’s influence in his life today. We had the privilege of recording 3 posts with Corey Holmgren about how to have healthy and connective sex (click here). Recovery and healing deepened for Sway when he started focusing on his love for his kids. He remembers one night looking at his son brushing his teeth in the bathroom and just loving him. “All of a sudden, Heavenly Father said, ‘This is just a taste of how much I love you.’” Sway had never felt that connection before.

(TS60:30 - 73:30) Sway and Rachel’s Marriage Now; Is Recovery Worth It? Sway and Rachel are a couple who have a healthy connection because they worked on themselves and set up secure/unbreakable boundaries for each other. For example, Sway goes out of town a lot so they have a five-minute rule. Sway has to contact Rachel within 5 minutes of her calling or texting him. Rachel also realizes that she cannot control him and does not want to. Sway has to be the one invested in his own recovery. That is the only way it will work!

Is recovery worth it to Sway? An absolute YES! It may be hellacious and the most difficult journey he has been on, but Sway is free. Rachel says that it is worth it; however, there are still days or moments that are triggering. How does Sway stay in recovery? He reaches out to his friends (who became his family) instead of reaching to his addiction. He reads books like, “Wild at Heart” by John Eldredge and others that have influenced him to gain a personal relationship with Heavenly Father. 

If you have been inspired or convicted by this podcast, please share it. It could be the first step of a new life in Christ and a deeper relationship with Him.

Sway & Rachel’s recommended resources:

Buy on Amazon

Buy on Amazon

Heal Betrayal Trauma: The Heart of a Woman Retreat

At Unashamed Unafraid we know that women go through a lot. The Heart of a Woman Retreat can be a powerful tool to help women heal. This year we decided to give back in our small way by sponsoring one woman to go on the retreat this year. Find out how below! Heart of a Woman is a retreat produced by women for women. It is a three-day event starting on a Thursday and ending on a Saturday. It is held in Wanship, Utah (near Park City, Utah). The retreat is unlike anything you have ever experienced. Melanie started the Heart of a Woman retreat in 2010. It is the women’s version of the Warrior Heart Retreat for men. Melanie brought Lindsay and Becky on with her to discuss how their betrayal trauma affects their relationship with God, what the retreat is/isn’t, what to expect, and why it is different from therapy or a vacation. 

“Looking back, I wish I had gone two years prior. I kind of mourn a little bit about not going sooner.” - Becky

“What I did not know coming in was that my relationship with Him [Heavenly Father] needed to be healed in order for me to give Him my heart to allow Him to heal me.” - Lindsay

(TS 13:45 - 15:45) Both Becky and Lindsay share a common theme of betrayal trauma from being married to husbands who are in recovery from addiction to pornography. They both said that the men in their lives hurt them and they could not be trusted. Although they have different stories both were left after these life experiences feeling like they couldn’t trust God either. (TS 23:50 - 24:30) 

(TS 25:17 - 26:20) How did you come to realize that your relationship was broken with God? 

Lindsay remembers talking with James about the frustrations and hurt and telling him about the anger she was feeling towards God. It wasn’t until the retreat that she realized just how broken her relationship with God was. (TS 26:40 - 28:00) Becky saw people who were at peace and it did not matter how many meetings she attended, how many people she talked to, or how many therapy sessions she went to, she could not find peace. She realized she was using distractions and stuff to fill the hole in her heart but did not feel at peace.   

(TS 30:45 - 33:00) Why does this event work for someone trying to come out of betrayal trauma?

“Betrayal trauma is one of Satan’s big tools that he uses to hurt women and he tells us that we will not be loved and we will never be enough.” - Becky

This retreat explains Satan’s tactics and shows all women that there is someone who will fight for them! God loves you right now, right where you are. He will fight for you with His whole heart! NO MATTER WHAT! This is what changed Becky and her recovery.

(TS 34:00 - 41:00) Why do I have to come to the retreat?

The presentations (10 sessions) set up the opportunity for the women to ask really vulnerable and intimate questions of themselves and to God in personal reflection. It is something that you cannot recreate on your own. The retreat is a very relaxed setting and is for each person to get what they were supposed to get from God. There is no pressure for a woman to share her story. It is not a therapy session. It is a time for women to get away from the routine of their lives and reconnect to their Father in Heaven. It is also a time for them to get pampered and not worry about everything at home. It is a place where women can truly mourn with those who mourn and to give other women permission to mourn. 

(TS 41:30 - 48:00) What keeps women from coming up? 

Lindsay said it well when she stated that everything boils down to fear. They are afraid of feeling inadequate and not accepted. They don’t want to be alone in just another place. The awesome thing is, they are not alone from about two minutes after getting to the retreat. They also might be afraid that God is waiting for them. There might also be some apprehension that the women will come back and change religions or feel pressure to radically change but that is not the case. This retreat only enhances the belief in God and gives them ammunition to fight the adversary’s lies. Also, it might be scary but the retreat is not weird. (TS 60:00 - 62:00) - The retreat is not about anyone else but the person attending. There should be no expectations and no pressure.

(TS 62:05 - 67:00) Where do we go from here?

Information for the retreats:

1. Dates: October 10 - 12 (Thursday 10:00 am - Saturday 6:30 pm)

2. Registration starts at 10:00 am on Thursday

3. Signup @: theheartofawoman.net, Facebook: theheartofawoman, Instagram: theheartofawoman.

4. There are cabins and yurts - Accommodations are comfortable and you are not roughing it.

5. Delicious meals, flushing toilets, showers, and bunk beds.

6. Use the code “unashamed” at checkout for a $50 discount!

UnashamedUnafraid Giveaway!

Here is what you have to do for a chance to attend the Heart of a Woman Retreat for FREE:

1. Like us on Facebook (unashamedunafraid)

2. Tag 5 people in our Instagram Post (unashamedunafraid)

3. Email James at james@unashamedunafraid.com and tell us in one paragraph why you are the one who should be chosen. 

If this message has inspired you and you know that others can benefit from this, please pay it forward and share!

Ep 6 - Anonymous Questions Answered: Resentment

How much courage does it take to send us an open question like this? I want to commend our anonymous question submitter for such great courage! Your question is likely a question many have. We hope this helps and we want you to know that you are also helping others by submitting your question. 

In this episode we address a question which is centered around resentment. Resentment is a stumbling block in recovery we all have to face. But it isn’t insurmountable. It can be overcome. Steve, James and his wife Kristy talk about their personal experiences with and opinions about  resentment, forgiveness, self-compassion, validation, and more. If you have an anonymous question, please submit it here.

The Question: I came across your podcast on Spotify recently and binge-listened to all of your podcast episodes at work. I loved them so much and I appreciate the mission you’re seeking to accomplish through this forum by helping people feel unashamed about addiction recovery and unafraid to let Christ take the pain for us. 

I am a single 20-year-old man living in Utah and I have struggled with porn addiction since I was 10 years old. When I was 17 I went through rigorous recovery efforts so I could be worthy to be an LDS missionary and succeeded (I left for the mission field in May of 2018), but had to return home early after 2 months because of the severe anxiety and depression I had not fully healed from in my addiction recovery efforts. It absolutely crushed me to come home early and many of my friends didn’t know how to help me during this difficult time. My loneliness hit an all time high, and my depression became even more extreme during the next 6 months of being home. Consequently I’ve fallen heavily back into porn addiction, and I am going through addiction recovery again. It feels like a whole new ballgame compared to when I last went through rigorous addiction recovery efforts.

A big driving factor I have for my addiction is resentment towards everyone around me - for the mistakes my parents made raising me, for my friends who have left me behind and hanging out to dry, and to almost anyone around me who doesn’t notice how lonely and depressed I am, despite them professing to be followers of Christ and pledging to help all those in need. Struggling with porn addiction, along with anxiety/depression is an incredibly lonely path, and I easily get resentful towards those around me who don’t recognize how to help me. My question is, how can I let go of that resentment? My biggest fear about being honest and completely open about my addiction recovery is that I risk getting hurt more by people around me, thus giving me even more “reason” to have resentment towards those around me. But this resentment is really holding me back in my recovery, and I want to heal. What would you suggest to someone in my situation? 

I look forward to hearing back from you, thanks for all the amazing work you’re doing. I am convinced that it was God’s hand in my life to happen upon this forum. 

Answer: First, we want to validate that you are likely not getting the help you need from friends, family, and your church community. You probably are getting shamed for coming home early from your mission and other cultural boxes you haven’t checked. The reason why friends and others in your life likely aren’t showing up for you is they lack the capacity to do so. They probably just don’t know how to help you and show up in the way you need. However, that doesn’t mean your pain is less real or less relevant. Have self-compassion for the difficulty you are going through. This needs to be acknowledged. Todd Olson, Steve’s therapist, says, “It happened, it hurt, and it mattered”. 

Holding onto resentment is like withholding forgiveness and it only hurts you. Having resentment toward your friends isn’t hurting your friends, it’s hurting you. You can move through your resentment and heal with God whether those around you change or not. James had to challenge his resentment with consistent forgiveness again and again and over time the resentment slowly faded. Becoming free of resentment is not like a light switch. A book that helped James overcome resentment was Viktor Frankl’s “Man's Search for Meaning”.

“The antidote to fear is faith, the antidote to anger is love, and the cure for resentment is acceptance of what happened in the past.”  - Kristy  

The glue that is securing your resentment in place is your need for validation from these people. As Lecrae said in his book, “If you live for their acceptance, you’ll die by their rejection”. God is the only person who can validate the wounds that have formed into resentment. Even if your friends, family, and church members come and validate you it won’t be enough to change your addiction, depression, or anxiety.

We suggest these steps (Basically step 8 of the 12 steps):

1. Write it down. What hurt, what happened, and how it affected you. 

2. Self Inventory. What could you have done differently? Have you made any mistakes in the process? Anything you can change that is contributing to the problem?

“Forgiveness is to abandon all hope of a better past.”  

Usually, when we have hard feelings towards someone else, we have those same hard feelings towards ourselves. If you are like most of the addicts we know you don’t have self-compassion, but self-loathing and self-contempt. It would be worth an honest conversation with Christ about why you might be resentful with yourself. Do you want to kick this conversation off to a big start? Come to the Warrior Heart Retreat. Taking things like this are what this retreat is all about. God will show up. We invite you to come. You expressed worrying about getting hurt more if you reach out. Pray and ask for God to put people in your life that will be safe for you to be vulnerable with and seek God’s guidance on this. He will put people in your life who are safe and can support you (So come to the retreat!). There is no neutral. You will have community and influences around you no matter what. And if you don’t proactively choose your community then the adversary will. James talks about regretting that there were good men in his life that would have supported him (and he could have supported) if he would have just reached out.    

Resentment is hard. Also, it is usually a secondary emotion. One part of resentment may be tied to being “right”. Usually, resentment is not about resentment but something deeper that is hurting you that you likely have some fear around. Maybe you feel like you’ve failed? Maybe you don’t feel like you're enough? Or you feel unworthy of love and belonging?

We know you have been wounded and it matters. You are worthy and you are enough. Go to God to get validated on these wounds and don’t wait for the people in your life to come to you. Your past and life experiences have painted a picture of who God is that is not true. Reach out to him for validation. We hope this was helpful and we know you have helped others with your courage so we thank you!  

Resources:

Buy on Amazon

Buy on Amazon

Buy on Amazon

Paul's Recovery Story - From Bars to Bow Ties

“I thought if I showed people what I wanted them to see in me, they would deny that I was a child molester. Plus, I did not think of myself as one. I was in denial. The best thing that could have ever happened to me was to be on the front page of the newspaper and I am grateful it did. How many people can say that about their addictions?”

• Paul

At UnashamedUnafraid we know this is a very sensitive and tough situation to be talking about. You may have a very visceral reaction to listening to this podcast. We hope you walk away considering just how far-reaching Christ’s atonement really is and know that no matter who you are or what you’ve done there is always hope for healing and redemption.

Paul lives in a small town. If you have ever been part of a small town community, you know that everyone knows everything about each other; whether they want it known or not. Paul grew up going to church with his parents on Sundays and it appeared that his life was full of good Christian values. He went to Bible School, and did all the “right things”. He did not realize that his life was not a life in Christ. 

Paul was first exposed to pornography in elementary school but it did not take over his life until years later. Like most teenagers, he felt that he was not enough and less than everyone around him. While in college, he met his first wife. She was not religious and he soon found himself going to church only sporadically and started questioning whether or not he believed in God. Paul had an affair before his first anniversary. His wife ended up leaving him and their daughter for one of her co-workers, ending his first marriage. During this time, he earned a degree in teaching and landed a job as a high school teacher.

Reeling from his divorce, Paul met Bev at the high school where he worked. She would talk with him about how wonderful God was and how much she needed Him in her life. Soon Paul realized that God was missing from his life, he started attending church and he fell in love and married Bev.

Bev had a daughter who was in Jr. High and Paul chose to start molesting her. He tried to cover up his actions by telling her that he might have been asleep or did not know what he was doing. Paul told Bev about the incident and painted himself as an innocent person. He continued to justify his predatory behavior by lying to himself that his stepdaughter was just a rebellious kid. Paul worked hard at a dual life to make sure he looked like a great teacher, pious churchgoer, and solid community member to cover up his actions. 

At this point, Paul began to spend hours downloading porn, fueling his lust. He was the girls soccer coach for the Jr. High and High School team and he would travel with the girls. Paul would make sure everyone knew he would get off the bus while the girls were changing to cover up his dual life and feed his justification and denial. 

Paul’s stepdaughter reported him to the police but it was her word against his, which made it difficult for the police to prosecute him. Despite his stepdaughter coming forward, Paul found he was very good at deflecting the truth about himself by telling people his stepdaughter was making a lot of bad choices in her life. Later, when Paul molested a girl from the soccer team and she reported him there was enough evidence to bring charges against Paul which led to his arrest in 2000. 

Six months into his prison sentence Paul was ready to truly start on a path of trusting God. His first step was being honest. He called Bev and told the truth about everything for the first time. He wrote letters to everyone he knew, confessing to his actions and his lies. Along with honesty, he also wanted to be accountable. Paul decided to call his step-daughter and told her he wanted to own the truth of the abuse. He told her that he wanted to be accountable and honest with everyone about what had happened. He had Bev on that phone call because he wanted his stepdaughter to know he wasn’t lying and manipulating any more and truly wanted accountability. This was the start of Paul’s recovery. 

Upon being released from prison Paul tried to reintegrate into the town’s churches and they shunned him. He eventually found a pastor that would allow him into their congregation. Soon, the head pastor asked him to share his story and he agreed, after which, Paul was expecting to be shunned from this church too. Instead, Paul was approached by a guy who hosted a 12-step recovery group and Paul decided to go. He attended regularly and found hope, healing, and change in his life. 

A major part of Paul’s recovery and healing is the relationship with his step-daughter. Paul remains accountable and open with his step-daughter. Over the course of many years, she has found healing from Paul’s abuse and has forgiven Paul. Fast forward 14 years to today, Paul has an active relationship with his stepdaughter and her family.

Paul has found healing through the acceptance of Jesus Christ and his atoning sacrifice. He describes his recovery as one day at a time and one grace moment with God to the next. With his stepdaughter's and Bev’s support, he continues to share his journey of hope and healing with everyone he meets. He teaches in a prison ministry and co-hosts the Mess It Up Podcast as the “Bow Tie Guy” where they “turn your mess into a message”. Paul said, “The best thing that could have ever happened to me was to be on the front page of the newspaper” because it exposed the lies he had been living for years and started him on the road to recovery.

Ep 5 - Anonymous Questions Answered

 We have had some great questions submitted. I again want to commend those who had the courage to reach out and be vulnerable. Truly a great example of being Unashamed and Unafraid! We had a great group to answer these questions. I was joined by Sherie Christensen, MFT along with James and Kristy who shared their recovery story with us last year and my wife Kayla (super excited! It was her first time on!). Questions in this episode deal with how to do disclosure, support a struggling spouse, and how to get long distance resources.   

Question: I wanted to thank you for the blogs and resources. I heard your story from a podcast featured on LeadingSaints. I can sort of relate. I struggle with addiction to pornography and nicotine. These have been my struggles for the last 26 years. I have tried the ARP 12 step program quite a few times over the last 12 years. I have had moments of sobriety, but never recovery. Still struggling. I am currently attending ARP. Have been for a few months now. Made it to 74 days of sobriety until crash and burn. Now I am struggling to get back on the horse to try again. I would like to know how to find hope. I have lost any and all. I don’t feel like I can find recovery ever. I go to church and am totally numb. Just numb. This is affecting my marriage, our family. My sponsor says to pray. The bishop keeps giving me talks to read. I feel like the intentions mean well, but the responses seem to piss me off. My wife says my addict brain and ego are probably reacting. Pride, I struggle with pride too. I live in Maryland. LDS resources are more limited. Non-Mormon counselors don’t think porn addiction or nicotine addiction is necessarily a huge issue. How can Christ work in my life? I don’t feel worthy of His help and don’t think it will work. I don't see myself as a changed person. I carry a ton of shame. Any words of advice?

 

Answer: James can relate to how you don’t feel worthy of help, not sure it will work, and you don’t see yourself as a changed person. James struggled with this for over 20 years, so he can relate to that deeply unworthy and hopeless place. You aren’t alone in your feelings. One resource that could help is finding a Christian counselor. Sherie suggested connecting with a group out of Utah and do online therapy (Skype or Facetime). Sherie does online counseling and so do several of the groups on our resources page. Hearing other men’s stories has always been my big hope boost (so subscribe! Haha).  For James, understanding that he had an addiction helped him dive into all resources for addictions and then applying them to his sexual addiction. One of the biggest paradigm shifting resources for James was Brene Brown and her research on shame. Also create support through family, church, and therapy all of which can happen on the phone! You’re not too far away!

“I remember being so pissed off when people would be like, ‘Here’s a talk I heard it’s really going to change your life’. We’ve all been there and felt those feelings and we want to love and support you” – Kayla

“There is no chasm dark or cave so scary that Christ cannot reach in and pull you out. There is always hope… It truly is for everybody.” - Kristy           

 

Question: I’m 40 years old and have struggled with an addiction to pornography/sex for the past 25 years.  I’ve been following your blog and listening to the recovery stories and they give me so much hope. I was sorry to hear about your struggles last year. I have had similar struggles. About 8 years ago I was disfellowshipped from the church after coming clean and confessing everything to my wife and bishop. I don’t know why my wife chose to stay but she did. She truly sees things in me that I can’t see.

About a year after being brought back into full fellowship I acted out again with someone I met on Craigslist and instead of being honest and confessing to my wife I chose to start lying and hiding everything. I was so ashamed of what I had done and couldn’t believe I was making the mistake I had repented of that I started to feel that all was lost and that this was just going to be part of me for the rest of my life.  I continued to see this woman off an on for about 6 years. Although we never had sex our relationship certainly was sexual.  I didn’t tell my wife and because I didn’t tell her I’ve struggled trying to overcome this all by myself.

This last year has been the worst. I have found myself going to massage parlors many times. I hate who I am and how I feel. I’m so tired of the double life I live. I wish I could just tell my wife and just be honest but I am such a coward. Sometimes I feel my family would be so much better off without me. Since I started listening to and following your blog I’ve heard so many stories of hope. I finally know and feel I need to tell my wife about everything regardless of what happens but I’ve never been so scared of anything in my life.

When you told your wife about everything from last year how did it go?  Was it worth it?  Did she want to leave you?  How was the disciplinary council and being excommunicated?  How was it on your wife and her family? I hate knowing that when I tell her I will cause even more pain because she thinks I’ve been in recovery all this time. I’m so tired of hurting my wife over and over. I’ve prayed so many times that Heavenly Father would guide me and help me to know the right time to tell her but I just don’t know how or when to tell her. Sorry for all the questions. Your blog has helped me to feel that if I could just be honest with her that maybe there still is hope for me after all.

Answer: Kayla shares how initially that she was extremely angry, but it has been worth it. I have tried in varying degrees to do recovery without being 100% honest. You can’t do recovery without being 100% honest. That is when God can really step into our lives. Kayla hasn’t wanted to leave me because she knows who I really am and that my addiction is not who I am. Kayla hates addiction and my decisions, but she described her feelings around this video (link) and how she hasn’t been ready for Satan to take our family.

Kristy talks about how she felt similar feelings with James and that God can heal their relationship. She also talked about how the lying is worse than the addiction. Being 100% honest gives your wife a choice and when you lie you have taken choice away from her. Our post on betrayal trauma (link) talks about all of this stuff a lot more and is worth a listen. Of the acting out and lying, most women will tell you the lying is the worse of the two evils.

Sherie talked about how honesty is key for the relationship, and honesty with self is also critically important. No matter how well your relationship is going without being 100% honest, it will be so much better if you are honest. Sherie also explained that if you are having a feeling about coming forward and being honest with your wife then the time is now. Now is always the right time. 

Being excommunicated has been a powerful experience for me and helpful. I wasn’t really in sync with my Stake President going into it, but afterward, as we meet together, I feel like we have really clicked, and I feel his love and support. I believe this is because I went into both of my church disciplines with an open and willing heart. The men who struggle with church discipline tend to be either still lying and not in recovery or they are more worried about being “fixed” and “done with this” instead of on their own journey with God. Not that there haven’t been church leaders that have made mistakes, but generally that has been my experience.

The last comment James made that is key is that you cannot fight this battle alone. No one finds recovery alone. He related (and so can I) to wasting years trying to fight alone and getting nowhere. Start building the team around you and God will help you.

Question: How should I approach watching R - rated movies after looking at pornography?

Answer: IMDB parental guide is a good resource to know what content the movie contains that James and Kristy use. I personally don’t rely on the world’s rating system to make spiritual choices. The other key I have learned is that you cannot negotiate with your addiction. If you are justifying as to why you can watch something then you are probably wrong. 

“Be willing to say no to the story. It’s just a story. There are a million stories out there” - Kristy

Question: My husband has been masturbating regularly. I confronted him about it and told him that it made me feel not loved and unimportant. He was defensive at first and told me we don't have sex enough but he said it wasn't an addiction and that he would stop. The defensiveness made me feel like it is an addiction but I decided to believe him and trust that he would do what he said. But he hasn't stopped and he has just gotten really sweet and affectionate especially after he masturbates. This just feels fake and like he is trying to cover up the fact that he is still masturbating. I'm sure he thinks he is hiding it from me but I can't pretend that it's not happening. I don't know how to tell him that this is a big problem. I'm afraid he will continue to deny that anything is wrong and just continue the behavior. He also has a huge fear of me leaving him so even the slightest hint at this being trouble for our marriage and it could cause more problems. How do I confront him in a way that he can recognize the problem, know that I love him and be willing to work on this?

Answer: His addiction is NOT your fault and it is NOT your job to fix it. It’s his job to fix his addiction. Your feeling and intuition is spot on and you should always trust them!

Sherie answers your question in a very direct way: How do you get him to change? You can’t. Separate out the real man that he is and the addict self that you keep seeing. Let him know that it is the real person that you want to be with. Then the biggest invitation to help him is to get help for yourself. You work on you and get your own healing and help. Kristy and Kayla talked about boundaries are something you need and must have. This will help you leave co-dependency. Kayla feels like in this last round she has figured this out more and she has found so much more happiness. When she does her own life that way it makes me want to work recovery so much more.    

Question: I was unfaithful to my wife of 30 years. She found out last July, I was secretly seeing online prostitutes and had been doing so for several years. She did not leave me and we are working to restore our marriage. We have been to a marriage intensive and a sexual biblical wholeness intensive. Needless to say, I have had porn and sexual addiction for most of my life. I have really been trying to work on my walk with Christ and to be transparent with my wife. My question is, How transparent is too transparent? I mean, I don't want to overwhelm her if and when I have a lustful thought or desire. Part of me thinks she shouldn't be the one that I put the weight of this on. I just stumbled across your website (A God thing I'm sure) your input is appreciated.

Answer: Sherie talks about how there can be too much information. She also shared that it really needs to be the spouse who decides what they want to know. There isn’t really a specific line around this. The spouse needs to avoid information that will be toxic and shaming. As the addict, you should just always be willing to be 100% honest and let her figure out what is safe for her. We also talked about how your wife cannot be the total dumping ground for you. You need to have sponsors or men in your life that know your story and can support you in those moments and in your story. Also, your disclosure may not be a single moment. She may have questions that come up later, or she may need to talk about it again. Just be open and honest and with patience you will create a lot of safety for her. 

Question: I ran into your website about 6 months ago right when my husband told me that he had not been honest our whole marriage and he had looked turned to pornography when our marriage got hard. He was also drinking to cope with marriage issues when he was on business trips. And because he was sure our marriage was about to end he thought about what the worst thing he could do, so he went to a strip club. This was all back in the fall. Your story, as well as other stories on your website, gave me so much hope in the months that followed. I still loved him and 100% believed that the Atonement could heal our marriage and both of us individually. We worked past that but I always felt like he wasn’t truly sorry. From what I have listened to your story and others, everyone had a grace moment or a rock bottom moment. He struggled a lot with feeling like he would ever make it to the celestial kingdom. On his mission he worked with counselors to overcome pornography and during his exit interview his Mission president asked him if he had overcome pornographer. It crushed him deeply to tell him no. When we were dating he told me about the pornography and I still married him because I knew that that didn’t change his worth. God still loved him and I thought that I would be able to help him. So a few months after everything came out in September we were still having issues. He wasn’t really connecting with me. He would go to a poker club to not have to deal with his feelings. I woke up one morning at 1:30 and he wasn’t home. He was still there. That triggered everything from the fall and I told him I was done. I couldn’t be with someone who would run to places like that every time his feelings were hurt. That was almost 3 weeks ago. Since we have separated. He told me he wanted to get divorced. I was still fighting for the marriage when he told me that he had viewed pornographers again and had gone to a strip club again. This was last week. This isn’t who he is. I know he is struggling with feeling worthy. I believe he is pushing me away because he doesn’t feel like he is a good choice. We have two beautiful little girls. I’m hurting because Satan has him right where he wants him. How do I reach him? What can I do? I still want our marriage to work. I have seen the miracles in your story and I pray God will give him a grace moment. Can you help me understand what he might be going through? 

Answer: James and I know exactly what he is going through. He is hurting and he doesn’t know how to deal with that pain. He is looking in unhealthy places to numb out that pain and cover it. This is because he hates who he is. Him pushing you away is evidence that he doesn’t believe he is worthy of you or your girls. You are right, Satan has convinced him that he doesn’t have worth and that the mistakes he has made are who he is. It’s a lie, but he’s buying it. That is what keeps him in the pain and afraid to be honest and ask for help. He’s so convinced of these lies that reaching out seems hopeless. He is hopeless and needs hope.

Similar to the other question above, your love for him is awesome. You do know who he is really is. However, you can’t change him. It’s not your job and like above you need help for you. Helping yourself is the best way you can help him. You can be happy and have peace no matter what he does or doesn’t do.

Kayla talks about my last disclosure (which I would argue is the worst acting out I’ve ever done) and how it was different. It was the first time that she saw me in my truly lowest low. It helped her understand that she was in a relationship with someone who has his own problem. It’s not her problem. Kayla shared how what I always say is true… That although I as the addict am sick, I’ve thrown up all over Kayla. Yes, I need to get healed from my illness, but if she doesn’t clean the vomit off herself it will always stink and affect her life.

Kristy shares that in her group therapy she saw couples where the addict was dragged to therapy and didn’t want to be there. Kristy references when you shared that you know he hasn’t ever really been sorry. God will come and rescue him, but your husband must be willing to be rescued. God wants you to be happy and have an amazing life for you. It’s not your job to live a life of misery waiting for him. God’s path for you might be divorce and you should remain open to that. Be empowered and find recovery for yourself and follow God’s inspiration for you on your marriage.    

Question: Hi thanks so much for all the stories and resources you share on your website! I'm a recovering sex addict. I'm looking for CSAT therapists or any professional that can help me work the steps and help my wife cope with my recovery. Any suggestions? I live in Austin, Texas and I'm willing to do online meetings if needed. Any general guidance would be great. 

Answer: Kristy and all of us just think you are amazing that you are revved up for recovery! Way to battle for your heart and your wife’s heart! One general guideline that has helped me with therapy is to talk to the therapist about what they believe they can do to help and what tools they will use. Any therapist worth their salt will be able to give you general guidelines. I experienced this with individual therapy and Kayla and I experienced this with the couple therapist we eventually found as well.

Sherie talked about how the therapist works for you, not the other way around. If there is a personality problem, or lack of progress, or not the right tools then keep looking. If it feels like progress keep going. If it feels like a waste of time, it probably is. Trust your judgment.

James talks about having some different types of resources around you and your wife: group therapy, 12 step, church support, good friends who know your story, family, individual and couples therapy, good books, and more. God will guide you and your wife on your journey and you will feel inspired about the right resources as you seek them out.

I again just want to say the courage that it takes to share your stories and your questions is amazing. I hope we have connected you with resources that can help and that, in our sharing, you know that we are with you. You are not alone and many of us have experienced what you are going through and are with you. Reach out, reach up and remember you are worth it and there is always hope!

Resources mentioned:

Sherie Christensen, MFT

Link to Sherie’s Boundaries Course:

How to find a CSAT (or other) therapist near you:

Groups out of Utah who will do long-distance FaceTime/Skype Sessions:

Video Kayla mentioned:

Our Post on Betrayal Trauma mentioned:

Boundaries book mentioned by Kristy:

Boundaries in Marriage

By Henry Cloud, John Townsend

Movie Steve & James recommend for men feeling hopeless:

(Heart of Man is available on most streaming services if you don’t want to buy the dvd)

Wild at Heart Retreats Mentioned:

Dave's Recovery Story

I first heard Dave’s story in 2014 and it was amazing. I apologize that this episode is so long, but his story is amazing. I just couldn’t edit anything out. I hope you take the chance to listen to his whole story—there is so much openness and wisdom to gain from Dave’s journey.

Dave was raised LDS in a small town and, like most of us, ran into pornography randomly when he found a magazine with some friends. This did something emotionally for Dave. Dave knew what he was doing was wrong, but didn’t really connect everything together. Also, like most of us, Dave ran into a number of things in his childhood years that made him feel less-than and shame. For example, Dave shares how he did not have nice clothes and was made fun of for the way he looked. These themes and challenges led to him becoming somewhat of an outsider and introduced him to the drug culture.  

 In high school Dave started to smoke pot and start sexually acting out. By the time Dave was in his early twenties he had found his drug of choice: meth. He also experienced a big emotional difficulty when his younger brother died. Dave took his brother’s death as his fault for not being a good example, which put him deeper in shame. His sexual addiction and drug addiction were big addictions that continued to run his life. At one point in time, Dave robbed a grocery store with his girlfriend. He spent time in and out of prison and went through different sexual relationships that were toxic and unhealthy.

However, a big turning point for Dave was the second time he went to rehab. He talks about how in rehab two big things finally stuck with him. First, he had to be accountable and quit shifting blame to others or circumstances. He finally wanted to be accountable for himself and his life. A book that really helped was, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, by Melody Beattie. Second, as Dave would say, “Leaning into the wind.” Meaning, if you stand there the wind (difficult emotions and experiences) will just knock you over. However, if you lean into the wind by being unafraid and face those difficult emotions and experiences head on, you do path through them. It had also become clear to Dave that he did indeed have a sexual addiction, not just drug addiction. This made all the difference for Dave.

Another important thing to highlight in Dave’s story is how his parents reacted. Throughout his entire drug-using years his parents always met him with unconditional love. His mom used to leave him letters on his pillow bearing testimony of Christ and her love for Dave. They would let him come live at home every time he would be dusting himself off and looking to get clean. After being a year and half sober of drugs, Dave moved from his small town to Salt Lake to pursue college and move on in life.

This is when he met his wife. She knew of his history and that he still struggled with sexual addiction. This helped him and his marriage, as they hit some rough spots during continued recovery. At one point he came into prescription pills and again relapsed. He was a congregational leader in his men’s group at the time of this relapse and it hit his wife really hard. Dave got put on formal probation at his church. At this point, Dave and his wife had already been going to a sexual addiction recovery program and doing 12 Step. Again, Dave and his wife found a key recovery component: leaning into the wind and having accountability. For Dave’s wife, it was realizing that it wasn’t her job to change him. In their marriage, Dave had several rounds of relapse with both drug and sexual addiction. However, being completely honest and continuing to work recovery allowed for the full change to happen. 

Dave’s Recovery Resource Recommendations:

Joe and Charlie Big Book Study on 11 CDs with Handouts - Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Steps

By Joe & Charlie

Buy on Amazon

Putting on the Armor of God: How to Win Your Battles with Satan

By Steven A. Cramer

Buy on Amazon

Warrior heart retreat

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

By Melody Beattie

Buy on Amazon

Wild at Heart Revised and Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul

By John Eldredge

Buy on Amazon

Today, Dave is still accountable and honest; still leans into the winds in his life. But he doesn’t let shame define him anymore. He’s let a lot of those feelings go and given them to Christ. He talks about becoming honest about all of these feelings and truly accepting his story. This includes letting his wife go through her own process, not just trying to fix things so she won’t be mad. He doesn’t know his exact date of sobriety but it’s somewhere around 7-8 years. Addiction isn’t something Dave thinks about everyday or something he worries about all the time. His marriage is a place of growth, joy, and connection. He is humble, honest, open and broken, not perfect.    

I imagine if we all could have met Dave as a meth addict in his early twenties, it would have been expected for all of us to write him off as a lost cause. I first heard Dave’s story five years ago. Hearing it again five years later, it’s the same amazing story. His wife came and shared with him then and she’s in a great place too. You can see the trust and love between them. Dave currently services in his bishopric (congregational leadership), has a busy job, and is raising kids. However, his addiction is not a part of his life anymore. His story is a reminder that none of us in addiction are outside of God’s reach and healing power.

Our Invitation to Be Unashamed and Unafraid

“You don’t have to be perfect to be unashamed.” - Chris  

It has been three years since I first launched UnashamedUnafraid and it has been amazing. We have shared a lot of insights, stories, and hope and have had so much shared back with us. It is amazing how God finds us in the most dark and hopeless moments. Starting our fourth year Chris and I would like to again invite any men struggling with sexual addiction to be unashamed and unafraid.

Unashamed: about sexual addiction recovery. Chris, who now has just over a decade of total sobriety and recovery, talks about how becoming unashamed was key for him. I, who am still struggling with addiction, have already seen how being unashamed has helped me in recovery so far. Unashamed means not isolating-not taking on this addiction alone. It means being honest about what is going on, and sharing to create an honest community of help. It means sharing with our spouses and other family and friends who can help us. It meaning being willing to reach out, not in, and get help. Being honest is so hard when you are in addiction, but it is key to getting help. If you are willing to take the risk, there are “plenty of people like me, all outsiders like me” who are willing to help you and have been where you’ve been.

Unafraid: to come unto Christ for healing. This is still something I am really working on. Chris and I talk about how he has had many rock bottom moments, but didn’t change. Finally, Chris realized he didn’t ever give Autumn (his wife), his church, or God 100%. Chris talks about how he was not unafraid, but very afraid. As addicts we often hide what we’re afraid of with good posing. Whether that’s isolating or being over-charismatic we all know what this posing, faking or hiding it looks like. I still struggle with my fears a lot and Chris talks about how he finally chose to be unafraid and see what God had for him. It changed his life and allowed him to become healed.

Our invitation to be unashamed and unafraid can be illustrated by the pill scene from the matrix. At this point in the movie Mr. Anderson (Neo) meets Morpheus who invites him to take one of two pills. If he takes the blue pill he can continue to “believe whatever it is you want to believe”. Meaning living in a life that he knows is false and unfulfilling. Or he can take the red pill and “see how far down the rabbit hole goes (Alice in Wonderland reference)”. Meaning, to break free from what enslaved him and live as he truly was made to.

So it is with our invitation: You can continue to tell yourself that you don’t have a problem and you don’t live afraid (even though you know you do) and watch your life play out in black and white and wonder why you’re not happy. Or you can take the risk to be unashamed and unafraid and see that you are worth of a live-in-full-color HD. God does have a wonderful life for you that is addiction free. You truly can have peace and love your life and who you are. All the shame, unworthiness, too far gone, not worth it is a lie. I admit, a very good lie, which I have struggled with. But it is a lie all the same.

This year we are working to share with you ten men’s/couple’s stories of recovery. We will continue to take anonymous questions and post those with answers from experts and men/couples who have been through recovery. We invite you to visit our Resources page and find other resources to help your recovery. One we strongly suggest is the Warrior Heart Retreat.

You are not alone. There is hope. We are here for you and so is God. We wanted to leave you with Fear is a Liar by Zach Williams to bring you hope to be unashamed and unafraid.         

We hope to see you all at UCAP this Saturday. Also our podcast can now be found everywhere podcasts are found! Not just iTunes. So sorry this took so long! Subscribe wherever