Ep 21: Q & A Answers: Boundaries with Addicts and is God Part of Recovery?

Merry Christmas! Here is a special episode where all of the players in Unashamed Unafraid (UU) come together and answer listeners’ anonymous questions. We really appreciate all of the people who have tuned in this year. We have something special coming in the year to come but this won’t be discussed in this episode. What will be discussed in this episode is the questions from anonymous listeners like you.

In this episode the UU Crew and Kristy (wife of James) discuss the following questions:

1. Forgetting who we are to God, Figuring out our true selves, and the tools we have used.

2. Why can’t an addict stop?

3. Can an addict just stop cold turkey? Is there more? Are their lies?

4. Why did Heavenly Father tell me to stay with him through all the lies? Why did my husband continue to get called to be a leader in the church when he wasn’t living right? Is anything about my 40-year marriage real or true? How could he watch us (my kids and I) suffer because of his actions?

5. Can abuse be the reason for my addiction? How do I get rid of this addiction without therapy or telling my parents? Does God still care?

6. How can I help him to be willing and accountable?

7. Can a person truly be recovered without a spiritual component? How do I trust his recovery is genuine if there is no God to answer to?

Steve, Chris, James, CT, and Jason tackle all of those questions through their personal experiences and insights from their own recovery stories. Plus, Kristy gives great insight into what it is like for the betrayed to answer these questions too. These questions are awesome and we love them because we are reminded that we are human too and sometimes forget the answers that we are sharing on this podcast.

Question 1: Have any of you guys experienced a “forgetfulness” of who you are to God? And have you figured out who your true self is? If you have what tools, things, whatever, did you do to find your true self once again? And what are you continuing to do to learn more about what God’s plan is for you?

We all have experienced a forgetfulness of who we are in God. We continue to be reminded through our brokenness that God loves us. We found that really asking God to tell us who we are in Him is really what we must do. Then we need to accept the answer He gives us. Oftentimes, we see his love through “love notes” a sunset, through wildlife, through other brothers, etc. This can seem too hippy-ish but, James talks about how he had to experience the hippy-ish side of God before he realized just who God was to him. We just need to be reminded that He loves us no matter what. He will always be there for us. 

Question 2: Why can’t an addict stop?

We have all (including the addicts) asked this question. Steve also speaks about having to love an addict. It can be very difficult to love someone who wants to isolate. You don’t want to do it, you say you don’t want to do it, and then you do it. Chris explains that it comes down to a choice. Steve gives an analogy for people who don’t struggle with a sex addiction but may have another struggle with something else that comforts them. CT talks about how connection is the way out of addiction. Jason sums it all up by saying that addiction is not the problem. The problems in a person’s life leads to addiction. So, if we can address the problems in our lives healthily, we can overcome the addiction.

Question 3: Is it possible/realistic to believe that an addict can go cold turkey and completely stop acting out and that he has fully disclosed to me? If not, what is the best way for me to approach him to get the truth? 

Kristy describes how she has been able to recover from the betrayal of lies. She talks about how the betrayed have to get their own healing from the addiction. Kristy describes the tools that the betrayed must use to cope with the recovery/addiction of their spouse. She also talks about trusting intuition that is felt. Women usually are right in their intuition when it comes to lies. Steve talks about the difference between having a continued nagging feeling and a triggering situation. 

Question 4: Why did Heavenly Father tell me to stay with him through all the lies? Why did my husband continue to get called to be a leader in the church when he wasn’t living right? Is anything about my 40-year marriage real or true? How could he watch us (my kids and I) suffer because of his actions?

Steve mournfully said, “First of all, I am sorry.”

Next, Steve explained that her husband may have looked like he was not suffering, but he was. He was just showing everyone the person he thought he should be. Steve also talks about how even though from a church standpoint your husband may not have been “worthy” for the callings, God still will use a person despite their choices.

Kristy talks about how frustrating it must be. She also talks about how it is okay to ask the question why. It is okay because the Lord will stay with you. Her advice was to stay with the Lord and continue to ask the questions. He will answer you. He has always been there with you.

Question 5: Can abuse be the reason for my addiction? How do I get rid of this addiction without going through therapy or telling my parents? Does God even care?

The group talks about how minimizing sexual abuse is what the abused do. It is always a big deal. We also talk about how there is no way for someone to recover from a sexual addiction without others. There has to be therapy and a safe person(s) in the life of an addict for true healing and recovery.

Question 6: How can I help him to be willing and accountable?

The group agrees that the betrayed can never help the addict be willing and accountable. Kristy explains, “You cannot do therapy for him.” You cannot heal your husband. He is the one who has to be the one to do the work of recovery. She also says that the betrayed needs to find the help that they need. There may come a point in the marriage where the distance between the addict and the betrayed is too great. Bottom line, the betrayed need to get the help they need too. 

Question 7: Can a person truly be recovered without a spiritual component? How do I trust his recovery is genuine if there is no God to answer to?

Generally speaking, the people outside of the Christian realm, religious realm, etc. do not believe that sexual addiction is a real thing. This question will be answered based on the belief in the religious aspect. All of us tried to recover without the spiritual component and we all have failed. 

If these are some of the same questions you or you know someone who would benefit from getting these questions answered, please share this episode with them. They may not thank you now, but they will eventually grow to understand that the only way to be in true recovery is through connection and being unashamed and unafraid to come to Jesus Christ. We at UnashamedUnafraid encourage anyone who is struggling with these questions to invite Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ into their lives. Please visit us at UnashamedUnafraid.com or on Instagram, Facebook, and twitter at @unshamedunafraid. Enjoy the episode and remember that Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father are always for each and every one of us.

Resources:

The Shack - William Paul Young

Wild At Heart - John Eldredge

Following the Light of Christ - John Ponteus

Fathered By God - John Eldredge