Safe Enough to Have a Crisis

Our writing crew just had a meeting and we discussed codependency (podcast dropping on this soon) and the dynamics of what happens in a relationship where addiction has been an unwelcome third wheel to a marriage. It has been my experience in my own life and in working with others that when the addiction subsides into sustained recover, the guy - me in this case - is feeling pretty dang good about life.

Thoughts like “I can finally live my best life” come to mind. The sun is out and the clouds of gloom and doom have subsided. I was in one of these moments a few years back driving on the highway with my wife, breaking my arm trying to pat myself on the back. She brought up something from my past that I’m not proud of but feel I’ve moved past and I said “I don’t want to talk about that, I’ve repented of it, I’m doing my best not to do it again.”

Storm clouds and tornados were immediately back on my horizon as she exploded and retorted “well I’VE NOT MOVED PAST IT, AND I’VE NOT TALKED ABOUT IT YET.”

Angry, confused, bitter, and resentful, I listened to her unwind on me while sitting on a false throne of righteous indignation. When we got home I was fuming. I reached out to my sponsor a short while after that and he started laughing as I was trying to build my case for why she was wrong to dig up my past. “Pete, you have been able to work through all of that, but she is finally feeling safe enough to allow herself to feel again.”

#failed … she shut down again for some time. Like a frightened turtle, she had emerged from her PTSD shell, and I gave her a reason to go back inside. I’m learning to relax now when she feels safe enough to emerge and share. This morning she brought up a painful memory for her that I was a major contributor to. I was shocked that I didn’t feel the need to justify my actions. I just listened, echoed back how my actions had hurt her and apologized.

As we work through our childhood traumas, it is easy to blame others for our actions. Certainly, I have, and I’ve seen this in others I’ve sponsored or worked with. But as I look back at the traumas I’ve caused my wife and my children when I was deep in my addiction, there is only one person to blame - and it is confusing because I feel I’ve worked through the twelve steps and understand why I did what I did, but there can be a temptation to try and control things again, including trying to control the reaction of those I’ve hurt and want them to forgive me.

It’s a fine line. It doesn’t do me any good to live in the past constantly and “should” all over myself. I also need to give others the grace Christ has given me to be upset and angry. I have hurt and disillusioned them by my past actions, but that isn’t the person I’m trying to be today.

About 18 months ago I was going through some persecution by two people I respected and wanted to like me. They both had accused me of not caring and it hurt. It took the wind out of my sails, and I stopped reaching out to others. Doug Nelson, who has been on a few of our podcasts, is a “brutha” in arms, and I reached out to him as he’s published books, speaks regularly, and has YouTube videos out in the world for people to comment on in addition to helping hundreds of people in her personal practice. I asked him what he does with negative input. His advice has changed my approach to criticism.

He said to first allow myself to feel the emotions of hurt—not to amplify them, just feel them, let them be, and take their course. Then, examine them—what part have I played, if any, and what am I responsible for apologizing for? Then, let them go. I can only own what I can fix. Everything else I need to let others own and fix. Being a martyr only hurts me.

It’s been a hard lesson to learn, but now I know that when my wife and kids are ready to talk to me about my actions in the past, it isn’t going to drag me down. It is because they are now feeling safe enough to go through the analytical process and the fact that they are reaching out to me to be part of that process is a good thing. It means they have hope to restore the trust.