Codependency at Church?

For most of my life, I’ve been haunted by a fear that I’m somehow less than those around me, that I’m not enough, and that critical eyes are upon me. This fear has shaped my interactions and relationships. In response to this fear, I find myself trying to manage the thoughts and emotions of others, hoping to secure their approval and affection. In doing so, I often suppress my own needs and feelings; convinced that this is the only way to be valued and loved. When these efforts inevitably fail, my fears are reinforced and a cycle is repeated. This cycle of coping with fear by chasing validation from others is often called codependency.

Codependency is a complex and often misunderstood condition. At its core, it involves an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on others. For me, this reliance has been most evident in my close relationships. Since understanding it, I’ve worked hard to secure healing from its causes and its effects. I’ve found the most success in the realization that God is the only one who knows and understands me well enough to value or judge me and so I lean more and more on Him for affection and validation. This frees the people in my close relationships from my ill-aimed efforts to win their approval and frees me from my fears.

I was recently surprised by the realization that I’m also codependent on my church. I really didn’t see that coming. For most of my life, what my church leaders and my congregation thought of me was one of the more prevalent concerns in my mind as I participated at church.

One of the first steps in addressing codependency is recognizing the patterns of behavior that sustain it. For me, this meant acknowledging how much of my self-worth was tied to my church involvement. I realized that I was using my church relationships and activities in an unhealthy attempt to deal with my own insecurities and fears. By constantly seeking approval from church leaders and members, I was neglecting my own emotional and spiritual needs. I was exhausting myself in countless hours volunteering, attending services, and participating in church activities for the wrong reasons. I felt compelled to present myself as a virtuous and righteous saint, all in an effort to gain respect and appreciation.This constant striving left me feeling empty and unfulfilled.

What I’ve largely missed is God Himself. And I’ve certainly missed precious opportunities to empathize, love and truly serve others in ways unique to the gifts God has given me. And I’ve missed opportunities to allow God to do His work in me by trying to become one thing when He intended to make me something even better.

Today I try to show up more authentically at church, to see church for the opportunity to truly minister to others’ feelings and needs in ways only I can. I try to see church as an opportunity to praise and worship the God who lives in my heart and to learn from and be changed by Him. Not others.

Having had the experience of recognizing my codependency in my close relationships and in my church, I expect to discover other ways in which my codependency manifests. This is a little scary, but I’m also excited to see how continuing to address my codependency improves my life.

By Ty, Writing Team