Between Codependency and Control

Continuing with our theme of codependency, I wanted to share how I have spent my own time living in that space, and also living in what I consider to be its unhealthy counterpart: control.

Codependency

My first and most natural pattern has been codependency. Growing up, I always hated confrontation, so I learned to stifle all my frustrations and put on a happy face to the very people that had hurt me. I did this because openly disagreeing with another person might make them upset at me, and if they were upset at me they might abandon me. I would rather be secretly frustrated than to be left alone.

I molded myself like clay to fit everyone else’s expectations. I appeased them outwardly while inwardly holding deep resentment for it all. And I had no intention of living any differently.

That is, until a little over six years ago when I embarked on my addiction recovery journey. Once I started living intentionally, I discovered all sorts of things about myself, including the unhealthy dynamic I had in my relationships. I saw that masking my needs to others and then resenting it was not the role I wanted to play anymore. I wanted to reclaim agency in my life, and I decided to make a change.

Control

Perhaps it doesn’t come as too much of a shock that I overcorrected. I went from never expressing my frustrations to voicing them all the time. I went from adhering to everyone else’s beliefs to expecting everyone else to adhere to mine.

I believed that the people in my life needed to know whenever their behavior was unacceptable, what they needed to change, and that I would be drawing boundaries left and right if they didn’t. My self preservation often turned into trying to control others to meet my needs.

What’s more, I would show up for those conversations already angry, ready to battle for the outcome I wanted. I simply never expected a person to respond to my complaints with anything other than “screw you!” so I either avoided talking to them entirely (when I was codependent), or else started the conversation already matching that same anticipated level of anger (when I was controlling).

In Between

But this second approach wasn’t any better than the first. I was simply taking the same role that I had let everyone else use against me. The solution wasn’t to go from submissive to dominant, it was to get rid of that hierarchy entirely!

And so, over the last two years, I’ve tried to do something different. I’ve tried to approach my relationships with a method of honest surrender. “Honest” because I really will speak up if something seems wrong to me, and “surrender” because after I have said my piece, I don’t try to control the outcome.

I don’t hide my disagreement from the other person, but I also don’t try to force them to see things the same as me. The result is that I can live in a way that is in harmony with my personal beliefs, while providing enough grace and space for everyone else to figure things out for themselves.

This isn’t to say that I’ve perfected all of my relationships. I’m still refining and improving my understanding, and I’m sure I always will be. I’m also still learning how to keep my behavior consistent with my better judgment, no matter the situation. But I do believe that I’m making real progress. I believe that I’m nearer to the mark than I ever was before. I feel more honorable in my approach to my relationships, and that has given me a most wonderful sense of relief.

By Abe, Writing Team