What's Only Possible in the Now

During my many years in the throes of my addiction I had many times where I contemplated making a confession. I was terrified of the exposure and consequence that would come with that, but there was always a part that knew the only way out of this darkness was to shine a light on it. Eventually I shifted from saying “I’ll never confess,” to, “I will confess…later.”

That compromise soothed me and kept me in denial for many more years. Even after I knew it was a lie, I kept telling it to myself. “Today just isn’t a good day to come clean, but maybe tomorrow will be.” I would look forward to each next milestone in my life and tell myself that if I hadn’t solved things on my own by that point, then I would make my confession. Well, let me tell you, one milestone after another passed, a thousand broken promises at the feet of each one. “If I’m still doing this when I get into college…certainly when I graduate…just as soon as I’m engaged…before the wedding…after my son’s first birthday….”

You know what I finally realized? A decision to change in the future is really only a decision to not change today. And if I choose not to change today, then I’ll still be the same, old me when I do get to tomorrow, so I’ll still procrastinate then, too! I will decide then to wait for another tomorrow, and then another, and then another.

None of us have a tomorrow to work with. None of us can guarantee any promise in the future. None of us can count on being someone different later on. We only have the now available to us. Any person that has ever transformed his or her life has only ever done so by making that choice in the “here and now.”

I think back to all the milestones I thought would herald the new me. Like I said, none of them ever did. There was absolutely nothing special about the day I decided to finally, actually tell the truth. It wasn’t an anniversary, or a new year, or an accomplishment made, or a tragedy suffered. It was just a run-of-the-mill morning when I finally said, “I’m sick of this now. I’m done with this here. I’m doing something today.”

I’m glad it worked out that way. I think that if I had managed to choose a date to begin recovery and then kept that promise it would have meant I was still holding something back. When I said, “I’ll give my disclosure after I’m married,” what I really meant was “getting better is not more important to me than getting a woman to marry me.” And then, if I had managed to follow through with that plan, that same twisted set of priorities would have still been alive in me. There would have been a level of humility that I still hadn’t reached. My failure to do things according to plan had the unexpected blessing of bringing me to a place of full surrender. In my broken fear of the future I found the healing that was possible in the now.

Indeed, it was only ever possible in the now.

By Abe, Writing Team

Disclosure: Do’s and Don’ts with Geoff Steurer

Why Boundaries

In the support group I attend, we’ve been studying the concept of boundaries, which I’ve found challenging to grasp for some reason. An "ah-ha" moment came when I recognized the relationship between boundaries and connection. Isolation, the opposite of connection, is closely tied to addiction. It can lead to addiction, and it’s natural to isolate when struggling with addiction. It’s easy to see how this can perpetuate a cycle. Therefore, connecting with others and establishing healthy relationships becomes crucial for recovery. I’ve often chosen isolation because it’s easier than managing relationships which can be hard for me. Boundaries help to make relationships manageable, linking them to connection and making them essential.

Roughly defined, boundaries are protective limits that we set in relationships. They help define the edges of the relationship and ensure that interactions remain respectful and supportive. Importantly, boundaries are not punishments, ways to exert control, or methods to avoid dealing with pain. Here are some examples:

I have special people in my life who bring me light and happiness, yet they have some unrealistic expectations of me and often criticize me harshly and inappropriately when I don't meet those expectations. I have made it clear to them that when this happens, I will need to change the subject or leave to protect myself from feelings of inadequacy and rejection, which can push me back into dangerous isolation. This has made those relationships easier and sweeter.

Another boundary I'm trying to apply is cutting short long, meaningless, inauthentic conversations. This protects me from feeling trapped, which invokes intense anxiety in me.

I recently realized that even before I knew about boundaries, I had set a 'self-directed' boundary when I began eliminating lust from my life. Fantasizing about women other than my wife and over-appreciating other attractive women are no longer welcome behaviors. Those are part of the self I'm growing out of and not part of who I am becoming. When I recognize that I've crossed this boundary, I quickly take action to stop the behavior. This protects me from triggers that push me back into preoccupation with acting out.

Other self-directed boundaries I'm developing include prioritizing self-care and maintaining connection and accountability. These will look like eating less and moving more, carving out time to rest and recover from life's difficulties, maintaining close relationships with friends, and regularly attending and sharing at support group meetings.

These and other boundaries have helped me keep isolation at bay and have allowed the refreshing benefits of connection to enrich my life. To finish, here are some tips that I've found helpful:

1. Identifying the need for a boundary, like finding the puncture in a bicycle tube, can be tricky. Difficult feelings that push me into isolation are like the bubbles that show me the location of the leak. Tracing those feelings back to their source is helpful, and journaling is an effective tool in that effort.

2. It's important to be clear and specific about where a boundary is. For example, I sometimes need constructive criticism, and I certainly need to know and understand the needs that the special people in my life have in our relationships. So, I’ve made sure that they know they’re not crossing my boundary until they become abusive.

The subject of boundaries can be confusing, but when understood and applied well, boundaries are an essential tool in the workshop of recovery.

By Ty, Writing Team

Why Can’t Things Go According to Plan?

One of the larger struggles in my life has been battling with the gap between what I think is supposed to happen and what actually happens. This was most frustrating when I was just coming out of addiction. A resentment set in, and it was fueled by an unmet expectation that everything should be grand now that I wasn’t acting out all the time. Thankfully I was in an AA Big Book Study Group at the time and learned that an expectation is just a future resentment in embryo, and resentments lead to relapse, since acting out almost always makes that frustration, abandonment, and emptiness go away…at least for a short while. Of course, then those feelings come back with added anxiety, demanding to be soothed again.

Today, however, was one of those markers of successful advancement. We had a plan to get the family out of the house by a certain time but the time came and passed. Those I asked to help disappeared. No doubt because they were used to the way I was when they were growing up - NOT a pleasant guy to be around when packing up for a trip or unloading the car - so I couldn’t blame them.

A former sponsor shared about a time early in his recovery when his family was shocked that he never yelled or got irritated as they prepared to go on a family vacation. They were used to steering clear of his path on packing day, but when they all got in the car, they mentioned to him how nice it was to not have all the pre-trip drama. That account stuck with me and I’ve been working on it ever since. And today, I drove my family away from the house in good spirits without a single cross word being said.

But these examples are small potatoes. What about all the stuff that happened to us when we were kids? And all the oaths we swore that things would be different when we were parents? That our kids would not suffer as we did, that they’d be light years ahead?

For some, those desires become reality. For others of us, to quote about the only thing I recall from high school English, this passage from Robert Burns’ To a Mouse … “The best-laid schemes of mice and men, Go oft awry, And leave us nothing but grief and pain for promised joy!”

Recently our family has had some heartache. Despite my best plans and efforts, one of my kids did something akin to what I did at the same age. Oy vey, the frustration and hurt and pain. Frustration because I thought by sharing my life stories they wouldn’t have to experience the same heartache and pain. But alas, we each have our agency and some of life’s lessons must be learned by running straight at a brick wall despite all the warnings given.

So then, why can’t things go according to plan?

In my life I’m learning that my plans aren’t all that great despite me thinking so. I’m learning to submit my will to God’s Will, instead of praying for the desired outcome as though God is my servant. I’m learning to pray for the desired feelings of connection with Him, and leaving my mind open to inspiration of what to do to get there. It has taken a lot of practice and I still have much more to learn and experience, but I have seen it start to remold my life. When I co-create with God, the outcomes are far more amazing than the original concocted plan of mine.

So rather than having a plan with prescribed steps all the time, on important things, I’m learning to “let go and let God.” I’m seeking His advice, seeking to create my life with Him. I’m learning to not have much of a plan other than to humbly surrender my will to God and seek inspiration and then get to work on implementing what is shared with me through the Holy Spirit.

By Pete, Writing Team