Why Boundaries
/In the support group I attend, we’ve been studying the concept of boundaries, which I’ve found challenging to grasp for some reason. An "ah-ha" moment came when I recognized the relationship between boundaries and connection. Isolation, the opposite of connection, is closely tied to addiction. It can lead to addiction, and it’s natural to isolate when struggling with addiction. It’s easy to see how this can perpetuate a cycle. Therefore, connecting with others and establishing healthy relationships becomes crucial for recovery. I’ve often chosen isolation because it’s easier than managing relationships which can be hard for me. Boundaries help to make relationships manageable, linking them to connection and making them essential.
Roughly defined, boundaries are protective limits that we set in relationships. They help define the edges of the relationship and ensure that interactions remain respectful and supportive. Importantly, boundaries are not punishments, ways to exert control, or methods to avoid dealing with pain. Here are some examples:
I have special people in my life who bring me light and happiness, yet they have some unrealistic expectations of me and often criticize me harshly and inappropriately when I don't meet those expectations. I have made it clear to them that when this happens, I will need to change the subject or leave to protect myself from feelings of inadequacy and rejection, which can push me back into dangerous isolation. This has made those relationships easier and sweeter.
Another boundary I'm trying to apply is cutting short long, meaningless, inauthentic conversations. This protects me from feeling trapped, which invokes intense anxiety in me.
I recently realized that even before I knew about boundaries, I had set a 'self-directed' boundary when I began eliminating lust from my life. Fantasizing about women other than my wife and over-appreciating other attractive women are no longer welcome behaviors. Those are part of the self I'm growing out of and not part of who I am becoming. When I recognize that I've crossed this boundary, I quickly take action to stop the behavior. This protects me from triggers that push me back into preoccupation with acting out.
Other self-directed boundaries I'm developing include prioritizing self-care and maintaining connection and accountability. These will look like eating less and moving more, carving out time to rest and recover from life's difficulties, maintaining close relationships with friends, and regularly attending and sharing at support group meetings.
These and other boundaries have helped me keep isolation at bay and have allowed the refreshing benefits of connection to enrich my life. To finish, here are some tips that I've found helpful:
Identifying the need for a boundary, like finding the puncture in a bicycle tube, can be tricky. Difficult feelings that push me into isolation are like the bubbles that show me the location of the leak. Tracing those feelings back to their source is helpful, and journaling is an effective tool in that effort.
It's important to be clear and specific about where a boundary is. For example, I sometimes need constructive criticism, and I certainly need to know and understand the needs that the special people in my life have in our relationships. So, I’ve made sure that they know they’re not crossing my boundary until they become abusive.
The subject of boundaries can be confusing, but when understood and applied well, boundaries are an essential tool in the workshop of recovery.
By Ty, Writing Team