Why Can’t Things Go According to Plan?

One of the larger struggles in my life has been battling with the gap between what I think is supposed to happen and what actually happens. This was most frustrating when I was just coming out of addiction. A resentment set in, and it was fueled by an unmet expectation that everything should be grand now that I wasn’t acting out all the time. Thankfully I was in an AA Big Book Study Group at the time and learned that an expectation is just a future resentment in embryo, and resentments lead to relapse, since acting out almost always makes that frustration, abandonment, and emptiness go away…at least for a short while. Of course, then those feelings come back with added anxiety, demanding to be soothed again.

Today, however, was one of those markers of successful advancement. We had a plan to get the family out of the house by a certain time but the time came and passed. Those I asked to help disappeared. No doubt because they were used to the way I was when they were growing up - NOT a pleasant guy to be around when packing up for a trip or unloading the car - so I couldn’t blame them.

A former sponsor shared about a time early in his recovery when his family was shocked that he never yelled or got irritated as they prepared to go on a family vacation. They were used to steering clear of his path on packing day, but when they all got in the car, they mentioned to him how nice it was to not have all the pre-trip drama. That account stuck with me and I’ve been working on it ever since. And today, I drove my family away from the house in good spirits without a single cross word being said.

But these examples are small potatoes. What about all the stuff that happened to us when we were kids? And all the oaths we swore that things would be different when we were parents? That our kids would not suffer as we did, that they’d be light years ahead?

For some, those desires become reality. For others of us, to quote about the only thing I recall from high school English, this passage from Robert Burns’ To a Mouse … “The best-laid schemes of mice and men, Go oft awry, And leave us nothing but grief and pain for promised joy!”

Recently our family has had some heartache. Despite my best plans and efforts, one of my kids did something akin to what I did at the same age. Oy vey, the frustration and hurt and pain. Frustration because I thought by sharing my life stories they wouldn’t have to experience the same heartache and pain. But alas, we each have our agency and some of life’s lessons must be learned by running straight at a brick wall despite all the warnings given.

So then, why can’t things go according to plan?

In my life I’m learning that my plans aren’t all that great despite me thinking so. I’m learning to submit my will to God’s Will, instead of praying for the desired outcome as though God is my servant. I’m learning to pray for the desired feelings of connection with Him, and leaving my mind open to inspiration of what to do to get there. It has taken a lot of practice and I still have much more to learn and experience, but I have seen it start to remold my life. When I co-create with God, the outcomes are far more amazing than the original concocted plan of mine.

So rather than having a plan with prescribed steps all the time, on important things, I’m learning to “let go and let God.” I’m seeking His advice, seeking to create my life with Him. I’m learning to not have much of a plan other than to humbly surrender my will to God and seek inspiration and then get to work on implementing what is shared with me through the Holy Spirit.

By Pete, Writing Team