Spelunker of the Soul

Have you ever discovered a part of yourself that you never knew was there before? In my life this has been a rare occurrence, but it has happened a few times, and each time it’s been a surprising and beautiful thing.

This occurred most recently about half a year ago when I was full of New Year’s resolutions, trying to throw myself anew into living a healthy, disciplined life. One night I was making my plans for the evening when another voice spoke up from within, encouraging me to keep my resolution to get to bed at a reasonable hour. I started up a conversation with that other voice, and was astounded to find that it seemed to have a mind of its own. I had never experienced anything like this, at least not outside of dreaming.

Like anyone else, I’ve had plenty of debates with myself where I provided both of the voices for two competing feelings, but this time I really didn’t know what the inner voice was going to say until I heard it say it. I could ask it questions, and it would come back with answers I’d never thought of before. It was like the voice was part of myself, but a part that was outside of my conscious perception. And best of all, this voice was positive, encouraging, and full of confidence in me. It was like my own personal life coach!

The voice expressed confidence in my ability to keep my commitments, it told me that not only could I succeed, but that I would. It was relentlessly bright and positive, a stark contrast to my usual outlook on self-improvement which had been dour and pessimistic. And that voice didn’t just show up for me that one night and then disappear, it has readily answered my calls for all the months since. I even spoke to it just last night.

I’ve decided that this voice is the part of God that lives in my heart, the part of me that is fashioned in His own image. And that part of me must have always been there, but I simply had never found the room where it lived until that one special night.

This really changed a key perception that I had had of myself. All my life hearing God’s voice had been very, very hard for me. I had always wanted to, but I never knew how to make it happen. I had assumed that daily discourse with God just wasn’t in the cards for me, and I would simply have to do my best without that gift. But then, with the discovery of this part, that belief was completely dismantled.

And this isn’t the only time that I’ve made a new discovery within myself. Over a year ago I had a moment where I suddenly found myself capable of loving absolute strangers. I’d walk into a convenience store and really, genuinely, care about the person behind the counter, whoever they were. I can also clearly remember the first time as a kid I decided to go and confess to my parents about a wrong I had gotten away with. I didn’t know I had that honest streak in me until one day when it just showed up all on its own.

As I’ve meditated on these discoveries, I’ve come to view my heart as a massive cave system. In that cave system I spend most of my time circling around the same, familiar chambers, but now and again I find a secret crawlspace that leads to a massive cavern I’ve never seen before. And this cave system is very large and very complex, which means I haven’t nearly discovered all that there is to find. There is a great and wonderful mystery within myself, and I’m the one who gets to plumb its depths!

I try to remember these notions any time I get caught up wishing that I could have a breakthrough in my self-improvement, or that I didn’t have the flaws that I have, or that I could be more like someone else. Maybe I haven’t seen those good parts in myself yet, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t there. I do not know what I may yet find. One day I may very well notice a narrow passageway that I’d never seen before, and when I shimmy down it I may come out into just the sort of quality I’ve always longed to have. What was impossible every time before might suddenly become possible. The person I could never be I might suddenly become.

So might you.

By Abe, Writing Team