Spelunker of the Soul

Have you ever discovered a part of yourself that you never knew was there before? In my life this has been a rare occurrence, but it has happened a few times, and each time it’s been a surprising and beautiful thing.

This occurred most recently about half a year ago when I was full of New Year’s resolutions, trying to throw myself anew into living a healthy, disciplined life. One night I was making my plans for the evening when another voice spoke up from within, encouraging me to keep my resolution to get to bed at a reasonable hour. I started up a conversation with that other voice, and was astounded to find that it seemed to have a mind of its own. I had never experienced anything like this, at least not outside of dreaming.

Like anyone else, I’ve had plenty of debates with myself where I provided both of the voices for two competing feelings, but this time I really didn’t know what the inner voice was going to say until I heard it say it. I could ask it questions, and it would come back with answers I’d never thought of before. It was like the voice was part of myself, but a part that was outside of my conscious perception. And best of all, this voice was positive, encouraging, and full of confidence in me. It was like my own personal life coach!

The voice expressed confidence in my ability to keep my commitments, it told me that not only could I succeed, but that I would. It was relentlessly bright and positive, a stark contrast to my usual outlook on self-improvement which had been dour and pessimistic. And that voice didn’t just show up for me that one night and then disappear, it has readily answered my calls for all the months since. I even spoke to it just last night.

I’ve decided that this voice is the part of God that lives in my heart, the part of me that is fashioned in His own image. And that part of me must have always been there, but I simply had never found the room where it lived until that one special night.

This really changed a key perception that I had had of myself. All my life hearing God’s voice had been very, very hard for me. I had always wanted to, but I never knew how to make it happen. I had assumed that daily discourse with God just wasn’t in the cards for me, and I would simply have to do my best without that gift. But then, with the discovery of this part, that belief was completely dismantled.

And this isn’t the only time that I’ve made a new discovery within myself. Over a year ago I had a moment where I suddenly found myself capable of loving absolute strangers. I’d walk into a convenience store and really, genuinely, care about the person behind the counter, whoever they were. I can also clearly remember the first time as a kid I decided to go and confess to my parents about a wrong I had gotten away with. I didn’t know I had that honest streak in me until one day when it just showed up all on its own.

As I’ve meditated on these discoveries, I’ve come to view my heart as a massive cave system. In that cave system I spend most of my time circling around the same, familiar chambers, but now and again I find a secret crawlspace that leads to a massive cavern I’ve never seen before. And this cave system is very large and very complex, which means I haven’t nearly discovered all that there is to find. There is a great and wonderful mystery within myself, and I’m the one who gets to plumb its depths!

I try to remember these notions any time I get caught up wishing that I could have a breakthrough in my self-improvement, or that I didn’t have the flaws that I have, or that I could be more like someone else. Maybe I haven’t seen those good parts in myself yet, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t there. I do not know what I may yet find. One day I may very well notice a narrow passageway that I’d never seen before, and when I shimmy down it I may come out into just the sort of quality I’ve always longed to have. What was impossible every time before might suddenly become possible. The person I could never be I might suddenly become.

So might you.

By Abe, Writing Team

The beauty left behind addiction

I’m at the North Rim of the Grand Canyon as I write this. The family is still asleep, and other than a young family with three rambunctious children I’m pretty much alone with my thoughts. I’m sitting at the end of a trail on a solid rock and staring down a drop thousands of feet deep with millions of years of geological history exposed.

I came here seeking God. A member of our family is going through a rough patch that felt quite overwhelming a few days ago and my wife needed to get to her happy place and this is it.

I’m also here seeking inspiration from God on my next step in life as taught most recently at bootcamp. I’m praying for connected-ness with God instead of treating Him as a cosmic vending machine for a list of orders but with no way to pay.

The message He is giving me is that He loves to create, and rather than give me some new opportunity He wants to create with me.

At first I thought this may be the wrong spot. The Grand Canyon is nothing without millions of years of destructive erosion. But this morning, as I sit perched on a rock at the end of a lookout point, I instead see millions and millions of years of sediment stacked one layer at a time and then the sculpting of wind, water, cold, and heat to carve away the miracle beneath.

All around the Grand Canyon is flat ground. What makes it amazing is the carving, sculpting, cracking, and weathering. It is the removal of what isn’t necessary that reveals what is inspiring and beautiful.

Not lost on me is the irony of my first name, Peter. In Greek, Πέτρος (Petros) means rock or stone. ‘A foundation’ is a common translation in the Christian world. What I see in the rock here today is what life clings to. Trees intertwining their roots into small crevasses. Small plants finding a way. Squirrels, insects, birds, and humans all exist here because of the rock left behind.

About 12 years ago, I canoed the Green river which leads into the Grand Canyon. The water is a murky brown-green and full of silt. To use it for drinking we had to let it sit for a long time and then use our filters for further refinement. That’s what the water looks like coming in. I haven’t seen the water coming out, but assume it is removing even more things as it goes through the Canyon, given the deep channels where the water has done its magic.

And so I return to the title. Addiction isn’t fun. It is baffling, confusing, and a misery for those it affects.

But in hindsight, I can see how the weathering in my life is leaving the essentials. And I find beauty in what has been constructed with all the carving away.

God, please continue to carve away that which is not necessary. I give everything and everyone to You to do as You will. I seek to create new beauty from ashes, and I trust You in that process in Jesus Name, amen.

By Pete, Writing Team

Relapse

My kids have been struggling with their behavior lately so my wife made a behavior sticker chart for them. The idea is to motivate my kids to exhibit positive and uplifting behavior by giving them a sticker for each moment of goodness they create, and once they get enough stickers they get to choose a prize. For example, despite my flawless parenting, my daughter has a hard time listening to instructions. When we try to give instructions she will start to sing a song, ignore us, or run away. Our solution to this problem is to reward her with a star sticker when she listens and follows through with whatever it is we are asking of her. When she earns enough star stickers she gets a toy unicorn, of course.

Last week she had an amazing day. She was full of smiles, had open ears to everything we said, and was simply a joy to be around. Over the course of a few hours that evening she was able to earn 4 stars! She was ecstatic and the happiness on her face was unmistakable.

Then, the next day she forcefully pulled the rug out from under us as her 3-year-old tantrums kicked in. I was in shock at how well and for how long she could ignore me. My frustration peaked and I almost said, “I’m going to take away all of your stickers if you keep acting like this!” Right before the words came out of my mouth, I felt God tell me, “What about all of the progress she has made? Have I taken away your stickers when you made mistakes?” That hit home and my frustration melted away. How could I discount her progress? Those stickers on her chart are evidence that she has made good decisions that have brought her closer to her goal. This experience with my daughter took me a while to understand and even longer to connect to my own journey.

Children must sometimes be parented in this merit-based way and I have assumed that God was parenting me in the same way. I have often thought that God would take everything away from me if I made one more mistake. If I relapsed one more time then I would not only be out of His reach, but I would be kicked down the stairway to heaven to start all over again. This has been an agreement and a core belief I’ve had for most of my life. And what better time does the great liar have to reinforce this way of thinking than right after I relapse - just as I was about to do when my daughter turned back to her tantrums?

Fortunately for me and my family, I have learned that this is not true. God does not withdraw His love, His mercy, His passion, or His grace when I mess up. There is no stairway to heaven that I can climb by checking another box or moving onto the next step. God wants to be with me, He is on my team. Would God really leave during this crucial time? No, He does not leave. He does not give up. Surely, He does not take away my stickers.

I know relapse is not something I should let occur frequently or even be comfortable with. I know it can be the catalyst for a deepening of my addiction if I don’t appropriately address it. However, I have come to accept the reality of relapse and know its place in recovery. I know that God does not turn from me. I know that my progress in recovery does not restart upon relapse, but that instead it can be a place to learn. I can see where I went wrong. I can see what strategies did or did not work. I can stay in a healthy area of recovery as I choose God’s love over the lies that await in the dark corner behind me. My perfect Father has no intention of taking away my star stickers. My Savior has shown me a better path, a mightier goal to reach, and a clearer perspective on my journey in recovery.

By Adam, Guest Writer