Relapse

My kids have been struggling with their behavior lately so my wife made a behavior sticker chart for them. The idea is to motivate my kids to exhibit positive and uplifting behavior by giving them a sticker for each moment of goodness they create, and once they get enough stickers they get to choose a prize. For example, despite my flawless parenting, my daughter has a hard time listening to instructions. When we try to give instructions she will start to sing a song, ignore us, or run away. Our solution to this problem is to reward her with a star sticker when she listens and follows through with whatever it is we are asking of her. When she earns enough star stickers she gets a toy unicorn, of course.

Last week she had an amazing day. She was full of smiles, had open ears to everything we said, and was simply a joy to be around. Over the course of a few hours that evening she was able to earn 4 stars! She was ecstatic and the happiness on her face was unmistakable.

Then, the next day she forcefully pulled the rug out from under us as her 3-year-old tantrums kicked in. I was in shock at how well and for how long she could ignore me. My frustration peaked and I almost said, “I’m going to take away all of your stickers if you keep acting like this!” Right before the words came out of my mouth, I felt God tell me, “What about all of the progress she has made? Have I taken away your stickers when you made mistakes?” That hit home and my frustration melted away. How could I discount her progress? Those stickers on her chart are evidence that she has made good decisions that have brought her closer to her goal. This experience with my daughter took me a while to understand and even longer to connect to my own journey.

Children must sometimes be parented in this merit-based way and I have assumed that God was parenting me in the same way. I have often thought that God would take everything away from me if I made one more mistake. If I relapsed one more time then I would not only be out of His reach, but I would be kicked down the stairway to heaven to start all over again. This has been an agreement and a core belief I’ve had for most of my life. And what better time does the great liar have to reinforce this way of thinking than right after I relapse - just as I was about to do when my daughter turned back to her tantrums?

Fortunately for me and my family, I have learned that this is not true. God does not withdraw His love, His mercy, His passion, or His grace when I mess up. There is no stairway to heaven that I can climb by checking another box or moving onto the next step. God wants to be with me, He is on my team. Would God really leave during this crucial time? No, He does not leave. He does not give up. Surely, He does not take away my stickers.

I know relapse is not something I should let occur frequently or even be comfortable with. I know it can be the catalyst for a deepening of my addiction if I don’t appropriately address it. However, I have come to accept the reality of relapse and know its place in recovery. I know that God does not turn from me. I know that my progress in recovery does not restart upon relapse, but that instead it can be a place to learn. I can see where I went wrong. I can see what strategies did or did not work. I can stay in a healthy area of recovery as I choose God’s love over the lies that await in the dark corner behind me. My perfect Father has no intention of taking away my star stickers. My Savior has shown me a better path, a mightier goal to reach, and a clearer perspective on my journey in recovery.

By Adam, Guest Writer