Ep 55: Changing Our Default: Sam Teilemans

You may have heard the saying, “Once an addict always an addict.” But is it true? In the opinion of the UU crew, this statement is incongruent with Christ’s healing atonement. We believe that Christ can change people forever. Sometimes that change comes with the assistance of professional therapists and others, but ultimate healing is the work of Jesus Christ.

Sam Teilemans believes that the language we use is powerful. For example, he says that it may be more helpful to say, “I struggle with addiction or addictive behavior” rather than identify as an addict. Steve and Chris sit down with Sam Teilemans to discuss the power of language as well as how a person who is struggling with addictive cycles can be free of unwanted behaviors.

Sam’s therapeutic strategy involves working to remove shame from a person’s actions by asking questions about how they may have been feeling or “triggered” in a certain situation. This allows them to explore what lies beneath certain behaviors and possibly tap into subconscious emotions or thoughts.

Sam explains the importance of tapping into the subconscious because he believes, “The conscious mind is the goal-setter, and the subconscious mind is the goal-getter.” He believes that when we consciously focus on a goal, the subconscious mind can get on board with that and will help us achieve what we desire. But when we decide to stop focusing on the goal our subconscious mind goes back to the way things were before.

Since the subconscious mind drifts to what is natural, Sam works with his clients to figure out what their triggers are. Then he works to break default natural tendencies and reframe them so the subconscious has a new way of reacting toward what you are doing or experiencing. In this way, the subconscious carries out the goal of the conscious mind rather than working against it. This may be a new and different avenue of therapy for people to try who have struggled with addictive behaviors.

The subconscious work that Sam does with his clients also involves trusting in Jesus Christ. Trusting that Christ is there to save, not condemn, those in this struggle. Science and the mind whether it is conscious or subconscious can only get you so far. Christ can truly free us from the shame and the guilt that happens after we have fed the addiction beast. Please have a listen to this amazing episode.

If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from it, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ. Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 54: Ashlee's Story

At Unashamed Unafraid we share real stories with you that prove sexual addiction has no bounds of age, background, or gender, and that recovery is possible for anyone.  Yes, women struggle too and here is more proof as Ashlee, our 2nd female to share on the podcast, opens up about her struggle with sexual addiction.  We invite you to listen as Steve and Chris challenge Ashlee to abandon her notes and go off-script, sharing her story Unashamed-style, from the heart. 

Ashlee discusses how her addiction to pornography began after her parents gave her a smart phone when she was 12.  She describes the shame she felt as she struggled to live up to the “perfect child” image her parents had of her as she was growing up. 

In the middle of her teen years her family moved from their farm and homeschool lifestyle to a neighborhood where Ashlee found herself adjusting to a traditional high school.  As she sought for ways to numb out she plunged deeper in her addiction to pornography and masturbation.  She kept this a secret from everyone until one day her cousin opened up about a struggle she was having and this opened the door for Ashlee to finally share about her addiction.  She talked with her bishop and began making lifestyle changes that helped her stop viewing pornography.  

However, about 6 months later, a surgery brought on new challenges for Ashlee in which she developed an eating disorder. Her desire to numb from her eating addiction drove her back to her pornography addiction.  

Overwhelmed and feeling alone Ashlee searched for anyone she could relate to but couldn’t find any women who were open about having similar struggles. In her search she found Collin Kartchner’s podcast where Ashlee first shared her story publicly.  From there she was able to share her story through multiple venues but she felt like a hypocrite as she still secretly struggled with masturbation.  

As Ashlee has come to understand God’s love for her, and as she has found other women who share similar struggles, she has started to find healing. 

Ashlee invites you to reach out to her through direct message on Instagram @ashleeayre.

Resources: Daughters of Light, https://lifechangingservices.online/daughtersoflight 

Has Ashlee’s story hit home for you?  If you or someone you know is struggling with a sex addiction, Unashamed Unafraid is the podcast and website for you!  Please visit our website at unashamedunafraid.com or look us up on social media @UnashamedUnafraid.

Episode 53: Humanity with Jennifer Finlayson-Fife

Honesty in Relationships with Jennifer Finlayson-Fife

Steve and James sit down with Jennifer Finlayson-Fife JFF and talk about what it means to be truly human; fully alive. Where does it all start? That dreaded word Honesty. Honesty is the foundation of being fully human and truly alive.

But why do we shy away from being fully human if that is what all of us want? Don’t we want to be seen for who we are? Do we want to be a part of the larger story? Do we want to become the person that is perfect?

Being perfect is not being human. JFF said, “I don’t blame us for wanting a world free of suffering. The path is not perfectionism. This will stunt our ability to become ‘Fully Human’. This (perfectionism) is in complete opposition to the definition of being human.”

Being human hurts. We see that from the example of the most human person ever to live, Jesus Christ. He was honest about everything in his life and yet people hated him for that. This is why most people decide to live in their own smaller story instead of God’s larger story. They don’t really want to be seen because it hurts too much. JFF says otherwise:

“There is nothing that makes a spouse safer than honesty. They may not trust you. But, the moment that you come clean and are completely honest, it is the most safe place in your marriage.”

When we let go of who we want people to think we are…perfect, we let go of the counterfeit self. We let go of the shame and guilt of not being able to live up to our (and other’s) expectations. We become fully human; seen, heard and loved. So, back to the question of should you be here? Does your life make a difference? Do you want to be fully seen and heard? The answer is a resounding

YES

JFF talks about so much more in this episode with Steve and James. You’ll love this episode. If you want more from JFF, please visit [Finlayson-Fife.com]. There are lots of resources for men and women. It is a self-paced course. She also has office hours and Facebook pages. This is a place with great support to other men and women as well. We also have scholarships for JFF’s courses:

The Art of Desire https://www.finlayson-fife.com/courses/course/the-art-of-desire and

The Art of Loving https://www.finlayson-fife.com/courses/course/the-art-of-loving

Go to unashamedunafraid.com/scholarships and apply for your scholarship TODAY!

If this episode resonates with you or you know someone who might benefit from it, please share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ. Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

We are also a non-profit 501(c)(3) organization and have scholarships for those who can’t otherwise afford therapy, group therapy, A Warrior Heart Boot Camp, or the Heart of a Woman retreat. Please go to the website unashamedunafraid.com for more information on these scholarships and many other resources.

Ep 52: Cassy's Story

Cassy: It’s a Man’s Problem… Or Is It?

Is pornography addiction a man’s problem? Religious groups place emphasis and belief on this. In a sense, there is some truth with this mindset. Porn media starting in the 50’s was primarily developed for men. The ensuing decades followed suit, developing for, and catering to men. Pornography became part of the man’s world. 

Over the past few decades, the man’s world mindset has been slowly eroding. With this erosion, the porn industry has realized an untapped market share - women. Women are being pressured to view, escape into, and find comfort and self confidence with sexual content. The carefully crafted message is getting women hooked. 

Is pornography addiction still then solely a man’s problem? Absolutely not. Women are becoming addicted and having the same if not more difficult struggles with pornography addiction.

The expectation that this addiction is a man’s problem, or something that a future husband might struggle with, sets an unspoken expectation that women don’t and shouldn’t struggle with sexual addiction. This can be quite shaming to a woman who silently and painfully struggles. 

Cassy sits down with the Unashamed Unafraid team to share the story of her addiction struggle and gives incredible insight from a different perspective. Her journey out of isolation has been transforming and she has come to truly find and connect with God.

If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from it, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

EP 51: Q&A with Ms. Courtney Leak

Q&A with Courtney Leak, LCSW

James and Steve sit down with therapist Courtney Leak to dive into questions submitted by our listeners. As always, the questions are real, raw, and unashamed about sexual addiction, as are the answers discussed by Courtney, Steve, and James. Courtney pulls from over ten years of experience in helping people. Not only is she an experienced therapist, she co-hosts the mental health and wellness podcast “The Magic Well.” Courtney’s purpose and approach is fueled by her core belief that “Everyone is naturally equipped with what they need to find and meet their purpose.” She believes it is often hidden under fear, hurt, and negative views of themselves. “However, if people are willing to own their story, minus the fear and shame, they can embrace their true selves. They will live abundantly in their purpose.” Courtney uses this approach to lead a deep discussion about varying questions regarding many addiction-related topics. As always, these questions have come from listeners of Unashamed Unafraid. 

Do pornography use and anger have any connection? 

They absolutely have a connection. Anger going unaddressed can lead to rage. This is unhealthy anger and should be talked about and worked through. Oftentimes, there will need to be a therapist involved in this.

How can I support (in a healthy way) a potential spouse or partner if they begin to open up about their sexual addiction in the dating phase of our relationship? What pitfalls can I avoid there?

This is a great question. It is not anyone but the addict’s job to help them find recovery. You can support him/her, but can’t control him/her. Courtney calls the two approaches Intimate and Parentified relationships. Be careful of falling in love with potential. People don’t owe us a version of them that we want them to be. We are not guaranteed to grow and expand in the same direction.

Is it okay for me to be happy with progress even if I am still not 100% sober? Should I expect my spouse to recognize that progress?

Obviously, we all want to be on our “A” game all the time. However, we are human. We need to avoid abusing each other and work on ourselves. We also need to practice extending grace to ourselves and others. This is necessary to do the hard work to heal the wound. The addict needs to give their spouse space for their anger and pain.

I’m afraid of sharing about my relapses with the people closest to me. I’m afraid of what they will think. Will they treat me differently? How can I best handle accountability? How can I cope with the fear of abandonment?

We all need to be vulnerable with those closest to us. How we do that is by getting clear about the facts. If things are still difficult to disclose with your loved ones/religious community, find a group of others who you can share with openly without fear and shame.

Who is safe to share personal trials and struggles with? How do I know who to open up to about the most intimate things about us, and how can I do so in a way that is helpful and avoids damaging them or me?

One of the best ways that Courtney has found to deal with this is to speak from our scars, not our wounds. Maybe there is something holding us back that we need to look at and listen to. We need to go to our Father in Heaven and ask Him who is safe to share our innermost thoughts and feelings. We need to be okay with those answers we receive from Him. Don’t mix up the proximity or relationship with a person’s capacity.

If my spouse is refusing to be open with me and step into recovery, but I still want to stay married, what do I do?

If he doesn’t want to recover, he won’t. Do your own work and decide what you want to do. Figure out why this is such an issue for you and why his decisions are wrecking your life. Take care of yourself because you can’t control him. Ask yourself this question, “What is your boundary based on the other person’s truth?”

We hope you enjoyed this podcast. These are all real questions that most of us have struggled with. Courtney’s loving, yet completely straightforward, no-nonsense approach cuts straight to the heart of each of these questions. Her answers definitely help us dive deep into finding our answers. This podcast isn’t just about the answers, it is about how they are discussed. Courtney sets a strong example that we can all follow. She shows us how to talk about things that may be difficult or shameful for us. She steps into it willingly, embraces the hard, and leads us forward into vulnerability and healing.

If you or someone you know is struggling with a sex addiction, Unashamed Unafraid is the podcast and website for you. Please visit our website at unashamedunafraid.com or look us up on social media @UnashamedUnafraid. 

Resources:

• Podcast: 

  • The Magic Well - Apple Podcasts https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-magic-well/id1530276246 

EP:50 Fatherlessness with Rob Chidester

Fatherlessness

Fake it ‘til you make it. This is a common phrase many of us cling to when we are unsure of what we are doing. Be it a new job, being newly married, or trying to fix something, there is the hope that if we seem to know what we are doing, eventually we  really will know what we are doing. 

Steve, Chris and James sit down with Rob Chidester and talk about Fatherlessness. All of us are Fatherless in many ways as we come from imperfect earthly fathers who cannot father us all the ways we need to be fathered all the time. Rob is a therapist, but we know him from A Warrior Heart Boot Camp.  Rob is one of the founders of Warrior Heart and started the Boot Camp in 2009. 

We have a need to be mentored, guided or ‘fathered’ as we develop in our masculinity. Having help and guidance from someone who has walked the walk, is invaluable. 

A young man entering into manhood needs fathering. The phrase “It takes a village” is quite applicable in that masculine bestowal can come from one’s father, an uncle, a grandfather, or other men who can help guide, lend wisdom and experience as part of the initiation and transition into manhood. 

Without this guidance from fellow men, there is a tendency to become insecure in one’s masculinity, and the struggle of faking it until making it will ensue. Quite often, fatherlessness can trickle over into the realms of addiction. The subconscious need to fill the void or ease the pain becomes priority often leading to years of turmoil, struggle, and heartache.

Is all lost?   No.

There is hope. Our Father, God, can and will heal our masculine hearts. He will provide fathering so desperately needed. This is a process, but ultimately worth the journey. In this episode, Rob Chidester gives an in-depth plunge into Fatherlessness, and how to allow God’s help to heal.

If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from it, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 49: Max Lube

If you or someone you know is a single twenty-something-year-old who is battling a sexual addiction, Max’s story will hit home. His journey begins as a young boy when his childhood is cut short by the dissolution of his family and the ensuing aftermath. The wounds of his childhood are cut deeper by the loss of an intimate relationship and he plummets into a dark depression, with addiction as his only parachute. Eventually, he turns and faces the God that he had fled for so long and healing begins.

Max’s addiction began as a curiosity at ten years old after being exposed to pornography by his brother and cousin at a sleepover. Curiosity would quickly evolve into addiction as he suffered through trauma after trauma that would rob him of his childhood. In sixth grade, his parents separated. In seventh, his mother attempted suicide. In eighth, his parents divorced.

After enduring these painful experiences, Max set out to be the perfect child in an effort to prevent adding trouble to an already troubled family. Even in all of this, Max was baptized and confirmed in the Catholic church, yet felt that God was distant. His father had taught him that he had to earn everything in life, so why wouldn’t he have to earn God’s love?

Max saw a glimmer of hope while dating his girlfriend from high school into college - he opened up to her and started addressing the wounds of loss and betrayal from his childhood. While the relationship offered a safe space, it became very codependent. Max was thrown into a downward spiral when the relationship ended and entered what would be the height of his addiction. He fell into a deep depression to the point of suicidal thinking and acted out multiple times a day to numb the pain.

Healing began in the form of talks with his mother, who guided him out of the dark place where she had once been. He began attending the Catholic church where he felt loved and accepted unconditionally. His vulnerability and courage led him to a few other men in his congregation who were seeking sobriety. Ultimately, Max courageously formed his own band of brothers who are fighting for recovery together. 

Max now sees God as a “passionate lover”, to use the words of John Eldredge. He finds himself praying constantly and invites God into every moment. He sees now that whenever he was surfing the internet for porn, he was really “surfing for God”, and that God was searching for him all along. For those single 18-22 year-olds doubting if they can follow Max’s path, he says “God will reward you for your courage. Find your own band of brothers and start recovery together.”

Resources:

• Books

  • Wild at Heart by John Elderidge (ever heard of it?)

  • Surfing for God: Discovering the Divine Desire Beneath Sexual Struggle by John M. Cusick

• Groups: make your own “Band of Brothers!”

• Song: “Love Broke Thru” - Toby Mac

Ep 48: With the Dating Divas

Have you ever wondered how to romance and date your wife? Have you forgotten how? We all know the joke, “What is the thing that makes a woman’s libido disappear?” Wedding Cake. Insert Laugh here. But romance also goes out the window when a man gets married too. Most guys struggle with romancing their wives. Well, you are in luck! Unashamed Unafraid interviewed two of the women, Heather (Site Director) and Becca (Vice President) from The Dating Divas. 

Heather and Becca help run the website www.thedatingdivas.com. This is a perfect website for all couples. It helps you figure out how to get creative and romantic with your dates. Guys, have you forgotten that we need to continue dating our wives after we get married?  So many of us have forgotten how to date.  We just think a dinner and a movie is good enough, if we even get that far. No shame if you are in that same boat. The Dating Divas have a way for there to be fun and excitement in your relationships again. 

Heather and Becca express the need for connection. Most women (not all) connect when a husband thinks about them. Heather and Becca suggest doing simple things at first to gain that connection with her. Some examples are texting your wife just saying you are thinking about her. Heather suggested buying her a single rose 12 days in a row instead of a bouquet of flowers. Simple, but can definitely mean a lot to them. 

I have pulled out the old romance swagger a time or two during my marriage; however, definitely not enough. I have written notes on post-its and stuck them all over the house for my wife to find. The Dating Divas talk about many of their ideas too. Doing these small gestures of thoughtfulness, leads to a stronger connection with your spouse.

It tells your wife that you are in it for more than just sex. You are in it to make her happy and you are fighting for her heart. Plus, it is a lot of fun to see her reaction. The Dating Divas aren't just about romantic ways to surprise your wife, it is about fun and different date ideas. I for one have a hard time coming up with something other than dinner and a movie. 

When we as addicts are in our addiction, we cannot feel, let alone hope to be able to connect with our spouses. This is one way that may be able to help pull ourselves out of the addiction cycle. This will help us stop thinking about ourselves and make “real” connections with real people who love us. 

Heather and Becca give a lot of great ideas of how to be creative. The products and services they have on their website are not very expensive at all and they have a TON of Freebies. Plus, they are giving our listeners and Outsiders an opportunity for some free items.  You just have to listen to the entire podcast for details. 

We hope you enjoyed this podcast. This was a different way of looking at ways to attack the addiction through real connection and selfless acts of service. If you or someone you know is struggling with a sex addiction, Unashamed Unafraid is the podcast and website for you. Please visit our website at unashamedunafraid.com or look us up on social media @UnashamedUnafraid. Also you will receive a 5 dollar gift card - From The Dating Divas HERE: https://www.thedatingdivas.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/7-Days-of-Love-Free-Program-PLUS-Coupon.pdf

Resources:

• Website: 

  • www.thedatingdivas.com 

  • www.unashamedunafraid.com

Ep 47: Polygraphs with Jared Rockwood

Liar, Liar pants on fire! Do you remember saying that as kids to each other? Well, Jared Rockwood sure does because he is a professional polygraph tester. You may also ask, “Why are you having a polygraph tester on this podcast?” Have you ever wondered how it works? Are movies correct? Jared talks about how it works, what it is supposed to accomplish, what questions should be asked and more. Relax, he is not going to do a polygraph on air and with any audience members. What will he do? Find out what it is really like to be polygraphed.

Sway and Rachel have been going to Jared Rockwood from Intermountain Polygraph for almost three years now. They are both very in favor of this. Why did they start going to Jared? 

Rachel actually wanted to see if it was safe for their kids for Sway to be alone with them. She specifically wanted to know if he was viewing child porn or had done anything like that in his addiction. Rachel was considering divorce and wanted to make sure that Sway was safe. Which is why Rachel was the one who came up with questions to ask Sway.

At the appointment, Jared sits down with the one being polygraphed and talks to him/her about the questions that will be asked. He spends a total of two to three hours with the interviewee. During the interview, Jared asks all the questions several times, in different ways. “Repetition gives statistical power.” Rockwood commented.

When he is finished asking questions, he then collects all of the data and sends his interpretation of the data to the therapist. The therapist works through the data with Sway and Rachel. This is meant to happen. It can be very dangerous and reckless, for the therapist just to hand over the data to the couple and let them work through it. So, how accurate is the polygraph versus therapists?

Jared mentioned that polygraphs done correctly are 93 percent accurate with a 15 percent error rate - or false positive. Therapists on average are 54 percent accurate. Which one will you believe? Jared, Sway and Rachel all believe that when a polygraph test is done correctly for the right intent, it is a way for everyone to win. For more information about Jared and Intermountain Polygraph, please go to intermountainpolygraph.com or call (801) 960-6480.

We at Unashamed Unafraid are so thankful for people like Jared. He truly is a warrior striving to build up those around him and bring them into the light through his services. If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from it, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ. Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 46: Unashamed for the New Year 2021

Unashamed Unafraid 

The New Year 2021 Edition

Unashamed Unafraid has taken on a few new faces this year. The newcomers are Sway and Rachel, and AZ Cory. We were able to continue to spread this message of hope, love, healing, and faith in Christ, even with COVID. We became a non-profit organization to be able to help people fight through healing from sex addiction. 

We were able to give out a lot of money last year to help those with the donations from the UU Outsiders. Thank you so very much! Once COVID restrictions are lifted, we will be able to help even more people because of the generous donations. Our listeners’ lives are not the only lives that are affected.

We also went through a lot of changes personally this year. So, we asked ourselves several questions about this year:

What type of animal would you describe this year as? 

What was your favorite episode? 

Also, will we be doing more events like the live zoom Q&A?

We will actually be doing more of them. We just have not figured out how many yet. We will also be introducing new bonus content. We will be reviewing four books this year and talking about them in our bonus content. We have not chosen the books yet, so stay tuned.

How do I become an Outsider you ask? Subscribe to our podcast and go to https://unashamedunafraid.com/donate.  This is how you can get even more great content this year. We really appreciate all our listeners, outsiders and free subscribers. 

This podcast is truly more for us than it is for our listeners. Yet, our listeners seem to like what they are hearing. We know that it gives a lot of us who are struggling with addiction or even betrayal trauma some perspective on sexual addiction and how to find healing and strength through Jesus Christ. We look forward to another adventurous year. Thanks for listening and donating.

Ep 45: Chris and Sarah Ashworth

Are you religious but struggle to find God? Or, do you wonder if God is even there? Do you or does someone you love manage to gain stints of sobriety, but without true healing?

If you relate to any of these questions, Chris and Sarah Ashworth’s story is just the one you need to hear. In this episode, Chris takes us on his journey from agnosticism to building a deep connection with God, and Sarah recounts her experiences of her own personal healing.

Chris grew up in what he says was a “happy home”, as a devoted member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While family life was good, he fought a silent internal battle with pornography and masturbation from age 12 to 26. 

Sarah describes her childhood home a bit differently: one where both parents worked long hours, where divorce and abuse inflicted deep emotional wounds, and where family members mostly avoided one another. Regardless of this stark contrast in upbringing, Chris and Sarah would discover later on that they both had wounds that needed healing.

Sarah, who was also raised a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, always followed the rules but felt that God was very distant. She projected her relationship with her father on God - seeing Him as an aloof being to be feared. Chris didn’t think so much about God as much as he did “church” and “worthiness”, and was numb and distracted by addiction. 

By age 36, Chris had managed to gain meaningful sobriety, but was still in search of true healing. He had lived as an agnostic for years, so he had a decision to make as his son’s baptism day approached. Sarah urged Chris to find God, but he refused to do so. The day before the baptism, Chris decided that he would baptize his son, regardless of where his heart was at. Sarah refused and expressed what he already knew in his heart: he had “procrastinated the day of [his] repentance.”

Chris had arrived at spiritual “rock bottom”. He began writing prayers to a God he still questioned, sometimes even expressing anger and bitterness, until one day He answered. Shortly after, God came for Chris’s heart at a “Wild at Heart” retreat, where he claims he went from agnostic to Christian over a weekend. 

As Sarah watched God heal her husband’s heart, she felt hers being healed as well. She learned to have more humility with God. She started seeking Him out for validation and learned to trust that He’d take care of Chris. 

Chris went from being completely indifferent to the idea of a god to seeing God as his partner, friend, and father. He deliberately wakes up early to spend an hour or two with God every morning. His message to addicts is to find God as he did, by separating Him from church and religion, then to follow Him.

Find more at https://www.aliveinchrist.me

Ep 44: Keepin’ It Rhyll… SAL Style

Steve and Rhyll Croshaw have an amazing story. Rhyll was going to school and was taking a marriage and family class, and for one of her assignments, she needed to set up a community program. After that class, Steve and Rhyll started to think about how to help people the same way they had been helped through their recovery from addiction and trauma.

Heavenly Father also needed them to set this up. He knew that there were several men and women who needed this style of Sexaholics Anonymous. He put an attorney in their pathway, and it just so happened that he specialized in setting up non-profit businesses. Right then and there Rhyll and Steve knew that SAL needed to happen.

Steve and Rhyll put in the work and made SAL (SA Lifeline) a reality. They are truly grateful for the opportunity to be a part of something bigger than themselves. Rhyll talks about how SAL changed their lives. What they did not see as an unintended consequence was they have helped prevent their own grandchildren from going down this path. Rhyll talks about how her grandson said, “Grandpa, whenever I’m tempted, I’ll remember you.” Rhyll, then explained that she is so thankful that she married a valiant spirit.

Steve talks about how people need to choose to open up, to have a willing heart, and to work together with Heavenly Father and others who may be able to help them. This is where the SAL program can come into play. SAL is completely anonymous. What is SAL?

SAL is somewhere between the LDS 12-step program (ARP or Addiction Recovery Program) and SA (Sexaholics Anonymous). SA is extremely raw and they expect you to get a sponsor right away. There are a lot of raw stories that are told both from men and women. ARP is focused on Christ and they separate the men and women. A person can walk into an ARP meeting and leave without talking to a single person. SAL is between these two programs. SAL, expects you to have a sponsor and work the steps. Someone is there to help you through the steps. SAL requires more accountability than ARP and a lot less raw than SA. Some people say it is a perfect balance between the two.

Because Steve and Rhyll were able to find the peace and healing that comes through recovery, they chose to share their story and successes with others. They listened to the promptings of a loving Heavenly Father and are doing great and extraordinary things. Through their struggles and recovery from sexual addiction, they have seen the beauty and love of Christ and Heavenly Father.

We at Unashamed Unafraid are so thankful that people are admitting they need these resources. If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from it, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ. Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 43: Christian and Karen’s Story

In their book “Love and War” John and Stasi Eldredge say, “For it is also in the heart of a man and a woman to share some sort of quest, to fight some great battle together.” This is the compelling story of Christian and Karens’ battle.

Christian was first exposed to pornography in the form of magazines laying around the houses of his childhood friends. At first, it seemed innocent, even normal. Fast forward a few years into Christian and Karen’s marriage - Christian’s life is “hell”. He’s indulging in his addiction every day: viewing pornography, frequenting chat rooms, and indulging in extramarital affairs. Meanwhile, Karen instinctively feels that things are off but is completely unprepared for the bomb that’s about to drop.

The more Christian indulged in his addiction, the more he pushed God aside. Leading up to the height of his addiction, he had served a mission in Guatemala and prayed occasionally but ultimately felt that it was hard to find God. He would feel close to God at times but would eventually revert back to needing a fix. Karen had always had faith in God, but felt that the deep connection with Him was lacking.

Eventually, the crushing weight of guilt became unbearable and Christian began to confess his past mistakes to Karen. At first, he spotlighted only one of his affairs, but as he turned his heart to God he found the courage to make a full disclosure. At his rock bottom, Christian felt so much pain that he wondered whether or not life was worth living. This discovery absolutely destroyed Karen. In her darkest moments, she experienced anger, bitterness, loneliness, and betrayal.

As Christian attended recovery meetings and worked the twelve steps, hope began to grow in his heart. Where he once would’ve described his relationship with God as “casual”, he now says that “God is everything”. He knows that God loves him in spite of his past mistakes. Where Karen once blamed herself and felt it was her responsibility to “fix” Christian, she now feels God’s hand sustaining them both in the recovery process.

Christian and Karen continue to fight this battle together and have been changed for the better in the process. Their story is a testament that no one is ever too far gone and that God is always there supporting us whether or not we can feel it.

Ep 42: You Can't Talk About That Sherie

The UU Crew receives a ton of questions about how to talk about the dreadful and often shameful word sex with our kids. Well, the age old rule, at least when we were kids, was you can never talk about it. It was a terrible topic for us to talk to our parents about. The conversation was extremely awkward, shameful, or both. I know I regretted asking my parents to talk to them about sex. This is where Sherie Christiansen is a godsend.

Sherie works at Ado Recovery and Lakewood Family Therapy and has a website at www.sherieachristensen.com. She also has a book called, “My Body is a Gift from God” and provides online courses for betrayal trauma and healthy boundaries. Bottomline, Sherie is amazing when it comes to discussing the topic of sex with your kids.

Sherie dives into how to have the conversations with them at age appropriate levels. You as parents will know when it is the right time to talk to your kids about it. However, Sherie said, “Your kids are hearing about sex every day, so you might as well talk to them about it just as much.” There are several questions that the UU Crew asks Sherie.

1. How much of the “secrets of sex” can we tell them?

2. How do we take the shame out of the topic of sex?

3. How do we talk to them about this at an appropriate level?

4. How do we talk to our kids about our stories?

5. What are ways to get our kids comfortable with talking to us about sex?

6. Is it appropriate to continue to talk to our kids about sex when they are adults and married?

7. Is it okay for our kids to talk about sex and what we tell them to their friends?

The list goes on and on. Sherie unpacks all of those questions and more in this episode. Please have a listen. There will likely be future episodes that go deeper into some of the questions and information that is brought up by the group. Sherie is an amazing resource and we appreciate that she would take time to talk with us and our listeners who are Unashamed and Unafraid.

We at Unashamed Unafraid are so thankful that people are admitting they need these resources. If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from them, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ. Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 41: Chris and Marilyn's Story

Steve and James sit down with Chris and Marilyn. Chris and Marilyn grew up together in Santa Monica, California as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. As they phrase it, they were both “box checkers” - they went to church, served a mission, got married in the temple, had kids, and served in church callings. At age eleven Chris experienced two things that would dramatically change the trajectory of their lives for the next fifty years: He was sexually abused by his assistant scoutmaster and was introduced to pornography.

Chris

At the height of his addiction, Chris was going through the motions, but was completely “past feeling”. On one hand he was attending 12-step meetings, seeing a therapist, attending church every week, holding callings, being a father and grandfather; on the other he was viewing pornography daily, paying large sums of money for physical sex, and checking the boxes to make others happy. He knew he was going to hell but he didn’t care. He lived a fake life in church, work, and with his kids and grandkids. Inside, he was living in a dark hole.

Marilyn

After being married for some time, Marilyn began questioning what a “normal” marriage was supposed to look like. She found happiness in being wrapped up with being a mother to her kids, but also felt that her marriage lacked the closeness that she’d always wanted. She knew that something was wrong with Chris as he withdrew intimately and emotionally and even began encouraging her to watch pornographic material with him. This all caused Marilyn to feel that she was not good enough for Chris and that she was disappointing Heavenly Father for putting up with it. She didn’t know what to do, so she did nothing and things kept getting worse.

______

Chris

In Chris’s numbness and denial, he often fantasized about running away from the life that he hated. In December of 2016, he did just that. He left work at lunchtime, withdrew $40,000 from his savings account, bought a burner phone, packed a bag, and drove to Vegas. He checked into a horrible hotel on Fremont street and spent the night at strip clubs and with prostitutes. That next morning Chris woke up so physically ill that he thought he was going to die. After hearing a voice telling him to “call Marilyn” three times, he called his wife in tears and said “I’m sick and I need help. Can you come pick me up?”

Marilyn

On December 10, 2016, Marilyn had called Chris’s work twice to confirm that he wasn’t there. By 11:30pm she knew something was really wrong, so she checked their bank accounts and realized that four $10,000 withdrawals had been made earlier that day. She assumed that Chris was being extorted for money so she called the cops and got her kids involved. That next morning she received a call from Chris who explained between sobs that he was sick and needed help. Marilyn quickly came to the heartwrenching realization that Chris’s addiction had become physical and that he needed serious help.

______

Chris

Chris finally came to the realization of his wrongs after being checked into the Desert Solace in-patient rehab facility in St. George, Utah. He was only a shell of a man at that point and wondered how he had gotten to where he was. He knew that rehab was his chance to heal, or he would lose everything he had. In his own words, Chris says, “I learned more in 90 days about myself, about who I really am, my relationship with God and my Savior, and my relationship with other people than in my previous 62 years.

Marilyn

After dropping Chris off at rehab, Marilyn began to process the emotional trauma of discovering the depth of her husband’s addiction. Would she stay with him or not? After all, they had been married 41 years and she knew she couldn’t throw that away until she had exhausted everything she could do. Marilyn pleaded with Heavenly Father for help and was supported by an army of people who wanted to help. During the time Chris was in rehab she not only saw him transform before her eyes, but learned a lot about herself as well.

______

What do you know about God and Christ now that you didn’t know when you were sitting in that hotel in Fremont?

Chris

“First and foremost, I know he loves me very much. Unconditionally. No matter what. My experience is he loves me no matter what. I literally tried to run away from his love. He stopped me. Why? Because he loves me. I get to choose how I want to live in that love. I get to choose if I return that love. My ability to choose every single day is the most important thing I can have. Sometimes that’s all we can do - BELIEVE. If we believe and live like we believe, the gospel is so much simpler than we make it out to be.”

Marilyn

“I never delved into know a lot about God. I didn’t know who else to turn to so I asked Him “Are you really there?” I stopped praying so formally. I prayed like I was talking to my Father. He is there. He does answer prayers. I felt a calm and peace that I had never felt before. I knew he’d be there for me and wrap his arms around me. Did he really understand what I was going through? I came to understand that he does. I learned that he loves me no matter what. Whatever you’ve done, it’s okay. It’s not so bad that he won’t love you.”

______

Recovery Resources:

Chris Epson’s Blog: https://recovery-light-life.blogspot.com/ 

Desert Solace: Pornography & Sex Addiction Treatment

Website: https://desertsolace.com/

Email: info@desertsolace.com

David Thompson CSAT, LMFT, EMDR, EFT, 

Website: https://www.addorecovery.com/therapists/david-thompson

Email: info@addorecovery.com

We at Unashamed Unafraid are so thankful that people are willing to share their hard and vulnerable stories. If these stories resonate with you, or you know someone who might benefit from them, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ. Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 40: Beckie Hennessy On Betrayal Trauma

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Beckie Hennessy is a licensed clinical mental health counsellor. She began her career specializing in child trauma. She then branched out into trauma in general and now specializes in relational trauma, also known as betrayal trauma. In this episode, Beckie explains how betrayal trauma affects the brain and confirms that it is actual trauma. She also delves into attachment and its relationship to trauma.

Beckie did her studies with the “Trauma Guru” Barbara Stephens. She says that trauma is when a person does not know how to process an event because it is too much to handle. When someone has trauma, they have three options at their disposal. They will either fight, run away or freeze. These are the only ways that a person can respond to traumatic situations.

Beckie elaborates on this and discusses that the brain gets hijacked because of the event. The event is too overwhelming because it completely shatters the reality of the person experiencing the traumatic event. Beckie gives an example of having emergency services rush past your vehicle as you are driving home only to discover that it is because your house is on fire.

But how does porn use and lying about it, equate to watching your house burn down? Beckie explains that it is about attachments and how people have their “person”. 

“When you pick your person and have sex with that person. When you pick your person and they hold your hair back while you’re puking your guts out because you are pregnant. And you find out that they are lying, for years, it is like your house is burning down inside you. You don’t know how to handle the situation.”

The reason for the trauma is because a person attaches themselves to another person and there is a life that is created and shared between them. When that life turns out to be a lie, it disrupts every part of the betrayed person’s life. This is called relational trauma. A lot of people associate relational trauma with codependency; and there is another term called pro-dependency.

Codependency is a very controversial topic because it says that you are pathologically flawed to the point that you will always choose the same type of person because you need them to be in your life. Pro-dependency is not a new concept but it is gaining popularity. Pro-dependency says that it is a learned behavior and not a permanent fixture. Becky assists people in understanding why they continually make the same choices and then helps them learn new habits. The way she does that is bringing us back to our foundation.

God should be our foundation. Is it just that easy? Yes! However, it is easier said than done. We have to choose to get our validation through Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ instead of other flawed people, including ourselves. Lacrae says, “You live by their acceptance and die by their rejection.” This is so true. And the truth is Dad will never reject you and me. That gives us all the chance to be unashamed and unafraid of what the world thinks.

This has been an amazing opportunity for us and hopefully you. We want to thank Beckie in helping us understand what Betrayal (Relational) Trauma is. She can be heard on the podcast. “The path of Imperfection” and on instagram @beckie.hennessy.lcsw or beckiehennessy.com. 

If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from them, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Episode #39 with Thomas 2.0

Thomas’s story is a miraculous journey from egotistical denial, to desperate despair, and finally, to healthy healing. It is for the man that has been hiding for most of his life and for the woman who senses that addiction has robbed her of her husband’s love. It’s a story of how one couple went from total disconnection to daily emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and physical connection. It’s the story of “Dark to Light: My Recovery from Pornography and Lust” (for his full story, check out his book on Amazon), and the story of how “Thomas 2.0” came to be.

The story begins with Thomas being recruited at the age of eight to sing in the opera as a soprano. This isn’t the backdrop that you’d expect, which proves that pornography isn’t picky about how and where it chooses its victims. He discovered pornography backstage, and what started as a curiosity quickly transformed into an addiction. By age twelve Thomas was living a highly sexualized youth and began acting out with real people. Having incredible parents who spoke very openly about sexuality only propelled him further into shame.

Thomas managed to gain some sobriety while dating his wife, but only a few months of marriage went by before he was completely enveloped by his addiction again. His wife had health problems early on that affected their intimacy, so he turned to pornography and emotional affairs to cope. Thomas’s relationship with his wife was not the only one that suffered - through his pride and narcissistic tendencies he convinced himself that God would “beat him with a few stripes, then usher him in.” He thought he could continue to live out his little secret without consequence until one day the house of cards came crashing down. 

It was on a spring day in March 2016 that Thomas’s wife, who was still unaware of her husband’s addiction, decided that she had had enough. She came to Thomas and said, “I just don’t feel like you love me, so I just don’t think we’re going to make it.” Those words really pricked Thomas’s heart and for the first time he got a small glimpse into the pain he had caused his wife. In that moment he felt strongly that he had to tell his wife everything or lose her forever. So, he did, and that’s when healing began.

Thomas had previously thought that he’d rather get a divorce or die before giving a complete disclosure to his wife. While it wasn’t easy, Thomas is so grateful that his wife knows what she knows because “she’s [his] best friend in recovery, support person, accountability partner, she’s everything.” Their lives are so much better than they were in addiction and they experience deep emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy. Thomas is now able to fight for his wife’s heart every day through service and love.

By diligently working the twelve steps, Thomas eventually experienced what he describes in his own words: “the polarity of my heart just flipped and I had no more desire to masturbate or look at pornography.” The peace in his life is so much better than the confusion, frustration, and anger that he felt before. For all those listening to or reading his story he wants you to know that recovery is possible. If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from listening, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 38: Disclosure: Do’s & Don’ts with Geoff Steurer

Disclosure: Do’s & Don’ts Way w/ Geoff Steurer

“Every day that you don’t tell your spouse about your addiction is one more day that she will feel you manipulated her.”

Geoff Steurer is a professional therapist from Lifestar Group in St. George, Utah. He co-wrote the book, “Love You, Hate the Porn.” He also has a podcast called Illuminate. He is an expert on disclosure. He walks through - with Chris and Steve - the right and wrong way to disclose the lies that addicts keep from their loved ones.  So jump into the deep end of disclosure.

Geoff starts it off by talking about how not to disclose. There are several examples from the UU crew that we could give. He talks about doing the “Driveby Disclosure.” This is when the addict admits their faults in a “safe” setting where their spouse cannot react to what they are hearing. One example is when a family is on their way to church. Another is at dinner with friends. These are good examples of how not to disclose.

Another example of how not to disclose is by just doing it al-a-carte style. This is where the addict picks and chooses what to disclose based on what the addict feels his/her spouse can handle at the time. This is not a good way to disclose because if the addict is still hanging onto secrets then it is very likely that the addict will continue in the addiction. This is because lies are and hidden truths are the lifeblood of addiction so they are not truly free from the addiction. They still need to numb the feelings of not disclosing everything. Chris gives the example of an affair that he held onto because nobody knew about it. However, he knew about it. The question then becomes, what are good examples of FULL disclosure?

Geoff begins explaining how proper disclosure causes less trauma for the spouse. First thing the addict needs to do is get out of the way. They have been lying to themselves for so long that they are not sure what the truth really is. Second, talk with a therapist and form a game plan. This is one of the major keys. Therapists are there to assist the addict and the betrayed. Oftentimes the therapist focuses on the addict and the betrayed have questions that come up. Some questions do not need to be answered and others do. The therapist can help navigate these difficult waters. It is crucial to get the help needed. So, when is the best time to disclose?

It is whenever there is a game plan in place. If the addict gets caught there are a couple of different ways to handle this. Tell your spouse the truth. Tell them everything right then and there, however this is kind of difficult because the addict will not have everything they need to assist with the trauma bomb that is dropped on the betrayed. Or, the addict can say, “I am getting help from a therapist and would love to schedule a time for you and I to go and talk with them about everything.” If they get a response, “NO!” then this could be the moment to talk about EVERYTHING. Without assistance with a therapist it could be a bad experience but, all disclosures are different. The situations are all different, but there is one goal in mind, that is to be COMPLETELY HONEST. It will not be easy, but this will show your spouse that you are ready to take responsibility for your actions. Geoff ended with this quote: 

“Every day that you don’t tell your spouse about your addiction is one more day that she will feel you manipulated her.”

Bottom line, there is no other way than to be honest to be free from any addiction. It is time to start the process of healing and becoming unashamed and unafraid through Jesus Christ. We at UnashamedUnafraid are so thankful that people are admitting they need these resources. If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from them, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

EP:37 Anonymous Q&A withKristy

Anonymous Q&A with Kristy

Chris, James and Steve sit down with Kristy (James’ Beautiful Bride) and discuss anonymous questions submitted by our listeners.  The episode talks about two people’s questions. The first is a deep one that asks about wanting to change but not knowing how. The second has several sub-questions from a supporter’s viewpoint. These are two very brave people who are asking questions that all addicts and supporters have asked. Sit back and buckle up. This episode is epic!

Why do I continue to go back to porn when I love God so much?

This question is one that all addicts have asked. It is questions like, “Why can I not stop?” “What is wrong with me?” John Eldridge talks about how addicts are trying to search for God through addictions. It is just the most counterfeit and damaging way to find Him because it is not really a true connection with anyone. This response leads to more questions.

Why is the addict searching for the next high? What is the addict feeling about a situation, or life, that they want to “check out” for a while? Chris talked about how he kept a relapse journal to discover his feelings behind his addiction. He wanted to find the root cause of why he was being tempted. He would journal about how he was feeling and then refer back to that journal when the next temptation would arise. This proved extremely helpful to understand the feelings and be able to sit in them while reaching out to the real source (God) instead of the addiction.  Journaling is something that Chris learned through therapy and support groups, like LifteSTAR.

We at Unashamed Unafraid are thankful for this next set of questions from a woman who wants to support her son. She gives a little background about what is happening with her son. It is obvious how much she adores her son. The UU crew wishes that this concerned mother could be shared with the entire world. Because someone who feels deeply (and is willing to sit in the addiction with their loved ones) like this woman is exactly what an addict needs. Her questions could be the topic of an entire podcast episode. So let’s have a look at them.

1. Do you have any episodes of an addict who isn’t married?

2. Does it take someone being married to be ready to start healing and recovering?

3. Does the porn addiction also mean that they are sex addict?

4. Does porn use always lead to acting out with other people?

5. What advice would you give me?

6. What resources would you start with and recommend for me and the addict?

First off, this is exactly what people who are wanting to support an addict are doing. This woman knows she cannot change her son. She knows that he is the one who has to do it. However, she can be there as a beacon of hope and strength for him. She is giving him the space to be honest. So, the UU Crew talks about all of these questions and gives advice for where to start. 

These are the right questions to be asking if you are wanting to be there for a loved one struggling with addiction. Unashamed Unafraid does not have any episodes on single people who struggle with addiction, YET! We have had a few leads, but that is about it. We are asking that anyone who is struggling with a porn or sex addiction, please let us know if you want to tell your story. 

What is the difference between a porn and sex addiction?

Honestly, it can be used interchangeably. It all depends on which definition fits for each person. Steve likes to use the Sex Addiction Spectrum. What that means is a person can be addicted to porn or to sex. Sex with others (including mutliple partners) is on the far end of the spectrum; whereas, porn is on the opposite end of the spectrum. And, having a porn addiction does not mean that it will escalate to a prostitution or multiple partners addiction. 

What can someone do to help a loved one overcome an addiction? Where can they start the healing process?

Just be there for the person. Help them when they want help. They will ask for it if they know that the support is coming from love and not shame. It takes the addict time to recognize that too. Also, a supporter who shows them that the addict is in a judge free zone will likely be more vulnerable. Support can also come from gentle nudges with references to books or podcasts (Unashamed Unafraid of course) that the supporter has researched.

These are all really helpful resources, but everyone is different. Books could be a great start. Therapy is a very good place to begin. Therapists can help navigate the addict through all of the different resources available. All addicts will need certain types of resources at different times during their recovery. Just be there for them. 

We at UnashamedUnafraid are so thankful that people are willing to ask these hard and vulnerable questions. If these stories resonate with you, or you know someone who might benefit from them, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 36: Seth & Nicole’s Story

Seth and Nicole’s Story of Grace

Seth and Nicole’s story is a story for the downtrodden and brokenhearted. Seth came from a home where it was frowned upon to talk about anatomy and clearly sex was off the table. Seth remembers that he told his dad about a time at school when a kid called his penis a weenie. Seth’s dad completely shamed him for talking about that with him. Seth learned that his dad was not a safe person to talk to about “inappropriate” topics. So instead of reaching out to someone else, Seth decided to reach inward.

Seth continued to look for validation through people and did not get anywhere with that. He was bullied and often rejected by his peers. He often felt inadequate about himself and that pushed him into seeking more validation. One night while he was at a sleepover with a friend, his friend showed him porn. He was hooked. He continued this practice up until his mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS). 

While Seth was on his mission, he felt like God had abandoned him. He was extremely sick on his mission. He was in and out of hospitals and finally was sent to California to finish out his mission. He was driven to calling 1-900 numbers and masturbating on his mission. He came home from his mission and decided to go to Ricks College (now BYU Idaho). Seth began to have relationships (hookups) with girls in college and he was unable to get validation from anywhere else in his opinion. He was disfellowshipped from his church and then he met Nicole after transferring to Idaho State University (ISU). 

Nicole grew up attending the LDS church as well. She has a typical LDS experience where she had a plan and it just did not work out the way she wanted it to. She always was self-conscious of her body because she felt like she was a little overweight. So she felt inadequate. Her plans continued to change and she decided to go on a mission for her church as well. She came home from her mission and met Seth at ISU. 

They decided to get married and Seth told her the abridged version of his actions and she, like a lot of women, did not fully understand the addiction. Within six months of them being married Seth was acting out. He would hookup with women he met on the internet. Nicole got pregnant shortly after they were married and they ended up losing that baby girl. 

Seth blamed himself for Nicole losing the baby. So, his shame was so bad that he talked to her and came forward about some of the “hookups” that were happening. He went and talked with his eclesiastical leader and was right back out there doing the same things again shortly after that confessional. They ended up getting pregnant again and had a baby girl. Seth came forward again and told her that he was having affairs and even sought out a prostitute. 

Nicole was distraught and did not know what to do. Seth was disfellowshipped again and was trying to do better. He then began to have a long-term relationship with a co-worker. This lasted six years where they would have oral sex but never “real” sex. Nicole was still in the dark about this. One day Seth found the website unashamedunafraid.com. 

Seth began to feel the shame that he had been trying to numb for years. This was back in 2016. He would listen to the recordings of Steven and Chris and Autumn over and over. One day while Nicole was at work and Seth was home, he prayed to God saying, “Please help me find a way to be honest with Nicole.” He was tired of the lies and coverups. He would get his chance two weeks later. 

Even though Nicole did not know, she felt prompted by the spirit saying, “You need to learn more about the Atonement.” She began her spiritual journey and began healing even before she found out about Seth’s lies. 

Seth finally received his chance to come clean. He was in an interview for a position in the church and finally confessed to someone that he probably should not take the position. He then explained everything to Nicole because he truly wanted to be free. Since February 2019, Seth has found healing, love and grace from his Savior Jesus Christ. He started his real recovery journey and has not looked back. Him and Nicole are both so grateful for the Savior and his healing powers of the atonement. They both are full of love and grace for each other. 

The final note they left was their favorite song that has meant the world to them is the song “Scars,” by I Am They. Please have a listen. We at Unashamed Unafraid are so thankful that people are willing to share their stories. If these stories resonate with you, or you know someone who might benefit from them, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.