Ep 38: Disclosure: Do’s & Don’ts with Geoff Steurer
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Disclosure: Do’s & Don’ts Way w/ Geoff Steurer
“Every day that you don’t tell your spouse about your addiction is one more day that she will feel you manipulated her.”
Geoff Steurer is a professional therapist from Lifestar Group in St. George, Utah. He co-wrote the book, “Love You, Hate the Porn.” He also has a podcast called Illuminate. He is an expert on disclosure. He walks through - with Chris and Steve - the right and wrong way to disclose the lies that addicts keep from their loved ones. So jump into the deep end of disclosure.
Geoff starts it off by talking about how not to disclose. There are several examples from the UU crew that we could give. He talks about doing the “Driveby Disclosure.” This is when the addict admits their faults in a “safe” setting where their spouse cannot react to what they are hearing. One example is when a family is on their way to church. Another is at dinner with friends. These are good examples of how not to disclose.
Another example of how not to disclose is by just doing it al-a-carte style. This is where the addict picks and chooses what to disclose based on what the addict feels his/her spouse can handle at the time. This is not a good way to disclose because if the addict is still hanging onto secrets then it is very likely that the addict will continue in the addiction. This is because lies are and hidden truths are the lifeblood of addiction so they are not truly free from the addiction. They still need to numb the feelings of not disclosing everything. Chris gives the example of an affair that he held onto because nobody knew about it. However, he knew about it. The question then becomes, what are good examples of FULL disclosure?
Geoff begins explaining how proper disclosure causes less trauma for the spouse. First thing the addict needs to do is get out of the way. They have been lying to themselves for so long that they are not sure what the truth really is. Second, talk with a therapist and form a game plan. This is one of the major keys. Therapists are there to assist the addict and the betrayed. Oftentimes the therapist focuses on the addict and the betrayed have questions that come up. Some questions do not need to be answered and others do. The therapist can help navigate these difficult waters. It is crucial to get the help needed. So, when is the best time to disclose?
It is whenever there is a game plan in place. If the addict gets caught there are a couple of different ways to handle this. Tell your spouse the truth. Tell them everything right then and there, however this is kind of difficult because the addict will not have everything they need to assist with the trauma bomb that is dropped on the betrayed. Or, the addict can say, “I am getting help from a therapist and would love to schedule a time for you and I to go and talk with them about everything.” If they get a response, “NO!” then this could be the moment to talk about EVERYTHING. Without assistance with a therapist it could be a bad experience but, all disclosures are different. The situations are all different, but there is one goal in mind, that is to be COMPLETELY HONEST. It will not be easy, but this will show your spouse that you are ready to take responsibility for your actions. Geoff ended with this quote:
“Every day that you don’t tell your spouse about your addiction is one more day that she will feel you manipulated her.”
Bottom line, there is no other way than to be honest to be free from any addiction. It is time to start the process of healing and becoming unashamed and unafraid through Jesus Christ. We at UnashamedUnafraid are so thankful that people are admitting they need these resources. If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from them, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ. Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.