A Door With Two Locks

I’ve attended addiction recovery programs for several years now, and while there are many consistent themes in each man’s story, each is also unique. Some come to recovery for the first time while still a teenager, some after having had a child or two, and some well into their retirement. Some experience a miraculous change of heart and stop acting out all at once, some have a gradual improvement over the years, and some continue to struggle for the rest of their lives. Even in the same person, not every addiction plays out the same way.

That’s the case for me. After twenty years in a pornography addiction, I finally shone a light on my shame and started to really work on my recovery. Instantaneously, pornography took a backseat in my life. Yes, there continues to be daily temptation and surrender, and at one point I had two brief relapses, but this area of my life has felt permanently different from what it used to be.

But my addiction to food? That’s a fight I’m fighting just as hard as ever, with almost no changes from before and after I began my recovery journey. I might just recently be starting to see some progress on this front, but if so, it has been a much longer and more varied path than the one to sexual sobriety.

There are a series of questions, all the same at their core, that I have repeatedly asked when trying to make sense of how I could succeed in one arena, yet persistently fail in another. What am I missing? Am I not surrendering correctly? Am I not trying hard enough? Is there a childhood trauma I still need to uncover? What do I need to do?!

Well, I’ve come to realize that these questions may have already received their answer 2000 years ago in a story of Jesus and his disciples.

And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?
Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.
And said unto him, Go, wash in the pool of Siloam, (which is by interpretation, Sent.) He went his way therefore, and washed, and came seeing.
John 9:2-3, 7

There was nothing that any person had to change to make this man able to see. He was, apparently, already worthy of being healed. All that the man needed was for the time to be right that “the works of God should be made manifest in him.”

I like to think of sobriety as a door with two locks on it. We have one of the keys, and we turn it by being willing to be changed, no matter the personal cost. Once we turn our lock, that’s great! We have done our part. The door still won’t open until the Lord turns His, though, and sometimes He doesn’t do that just as soon as we’ve turned ours.

On the other hand, it’s entirely possible for things to work the opposite way. God might have already turned His key, but we’re just not being honest about whether or not we’ve turned our own.

This was the case for me with pornography. I genuinely believe that the reason I experienced such an immediate improvement once I started recovery was because God had already been ready to heal me for years, but I hadn’t been ready to be healed. For more than a decade my conscience kept telling me the same thing over and over: You have to tell someone about this. You have to make a confession. You have to stop living a lie….You have to turn your key. And for years I kept refusing, even while continuing to pray for deliverance.

Jesus was already telling me, “Go, wash in the pool of Siloam,” and I was saying, “How about another option?”

When I finally stopped trying to find another way, made my confession, and turned the key to my lock, the door swung right open.

So now I have to take a hard and honest look at my addiction to food, and see in my heart what the situation is there. Am I sincerely ready to be healed? Am I just waiting for the works of God to be made manifest in me? Or, is God already waiting to heal me, and I’m just ignoring the step He’s laid out for me?

Whether God is telling me what action I must take to receive His healing, or He is telling me to just wait, I have an instruction that requires faith and humble submission. And then, if I do faithfully submit, it will all lead to healing in the end.

By Abe, Writing Team

Trapped: Reflections on Kaleb's story

In our most recent episode, Kaleb shares his struggle with addiction or compulsive behavior, imprisonment, and recovery. Listening to his story, I was struck by how closely his experience of prison parallels the experience of being trapped in compulsive behavior. As Kaleb points out, prison fosters feelings of isolation and powerlessness, reinforces labels, and dictates actions—much like compulsive behavior itself.

On my own recovery journey, I have felt isolated and powerless, unable to foster closeness or intimacy in my relationships. Labels—imposed by others and myself—have weighed heavily on me. My actions often felt constrained, and I was confined by cravings that persisted despite devastating consequences. Shame and guilt fueled denial and further isolation, making it harder to seek help. But as Kaleb’s story illustrates, there’s hope for escape.

A Correct Understanding of God
Initially, Kaleb’s view of God was that of a distant, vague, disconnected figure. “An old man with a white beard.” This perception began to shift during his incarceration. Confronted with himself and his actions, he actively sought ways to minimize distraction and turned to scripture, prayer, and meditation. This created space for introspection and spiritual growth, allowing him to personally experience God’s grace and presence. Over time, Kaleb came to see God and Christ not as distant figures, but as patient, forgiving, and as his “biggest cheerleaders.”

As Kaleb grew closer to God, he chose to surrender—accepting his legal and spiritual reality and seeking God’s direction. He describes this surrender as “shutting up and listening” to God.

For me, this shift—from seeing God as disconnected to experiencing Him as close and loving— and surrendering to Him was a pivotal moment in escaping my prisons. What fascinates me most is that this transformation occurred within the very walls of addiction. I originally expected to have to free myself - with a little help, but it was in the midst of my struggle that I experienced God’s sanctifying presence.

God holds the key to our prisons. Honest self-reflection reveals that we are powerless to escape on our own. Only God can free us, and He’s ready to. Surrendering to this truth is crucial. When we view God as distant, surrender feels terrifying, like trading one prison for another. But when we surrender to the true God, we experience peace, hope, patience, and ultimately, healing and freedom.

Embracing Support from Others
While turning to God is foundational, Kaleb’s story also emphasizes the importance of human connection. He mentions "really supportive friends that tried to do as much as they could" despite the challenges of his situation. Therapy also played a significant role. He describes his therapist as someone who provided consistent support throughout his journey. Kaleb also talks about finding a sense of community within prison with a group of men who, like him, were focused on personal growth.

These connections underscore a powerful truth: we can’t navigate recovery alone. Accepting support from others is critical to breaking free.

Finding Purpose
Kaleb emphasizes the importance of "finding a purpose, finding something to work for" as a crucial element of his story. His desire to share his story and help others in recovery, and his decision to pursue a career as a shop teacher, despite the challenges posed by his criminal record, exemplifies this commitment to finding meaning and purpose. A higher story.

Kaleb’s experience in prison provides a great parallel with compulsive behavior and inspires hope that transformation is possible, even when we feel most trapped. Whether in a physical prison or the prisons of the mind, there is a way out: surrender to God, connection, and purpose.

By Ty, Writing Team

We Lead With Our Weakness

We Lead With Our Weakness: Finding Freedom in Vulnerability

In the SA 12-Step program, there’s a powerful concept about leading with our weakness in a group setting. As their literature beautifully puts it:

“We lead with our weakness because that’s where we’re hurting, and this becomes the point of our identification with each other, the point of true union.”

When I first began my recovery journey and attended 12-Step meetings, this idea was both shocking and refreshing. I remember sitting there, listening to people openly share their deepest, darkest secrets – something I’d spent years hiding out of shame.

For so long, I had worked tirelessly to keep parts of my life locked away, as if concealing them would make the pain disappear. And yet, here were people – all complete strangers to me – talking openly about struggles that mirrored my own. The noon sunlight streaming into the room felt symbolic, as if the very act of bringing these secrets into the open was a kind of healing in itself.

Leading With Weakness: A Core of Our Podcast Mission

Our podcast is built on this principle: leading with weakness. It’s about sharing the raw, unvarnished truth – what might feel ugly or shameful – right at the outset. And then we explore the journey from that brokenness to the beauty and redemption waiting on the other side.

For me, that journey wasn’t something I could take alone. Christ became my guide, revealing the beauty that God had always placed within me. When I finally surrendered to His goodness and love, I could begin to let go of the shame that had chained me for so long. I came to trust that I am good – not because of anything I’ve done – but because He is Good.

Sharing: Finding the Right Balance

Of course, sharing isn’t something we do recklessly. It’s taken time for me to discern where and with whom to share my story. I’ve learned to tailor my vulnerability based on the comfort levels and readiness of those around me.

But here’s the thing: when I first shared my full story – right here, for the podcast, for the world to hear – it was an incredible moment of release. After I closed down the Zoom recording, I realized the weight I’d been carrying wasn’t mine anymore. I had handed it over to Christ and in front of anyone in the world who was willing to hear.

The shackles of shame that had bound me for so long were broken. I was free.

A Call to Bring Your Darkness Into the Light

If you’re still holding on to deep, dark secrets, I want to encourage you with something I’ve learned: secrets left in the dark don’t just stay the same – they grow, like mold. But when you expose them to light, they begin to shrink and lose their power over you.

This Holiday season, consider giving yourself a gift that can truly change your life. Reach out to an experienced therapist, a trusted member of your church, or a recovery group. Start speaking your truth in safe spaces. Let the light in and allow the healing to begin.

You’re not alone. Freedom is waiting. And when you lead with your weakness, you may find that it’s the very place where grace and healing take root.

By Pete, Writing Team