Breakthrough After Breakthrough

A whale deep in the ocean rises through the water for a long time before finally breaking the surface in a dramatic and thunderous splash. It feels like my commitment to recovery worked the same way. On the surface, there was nothing, nothing, nothing…then a sudden dramatic moment of making confession, getting into addiction recovery, and implementing huge changes to my life. But just like the whale breaching, that sudden surge didn’t come from nothing. The need to live the truth had been burning in my soul for a long while, growing and building pressure, driving me towards the surface for quite some time.

When all that pent up desire for the truth finally broke through, it was quite the high for me. Motivation went through the roof, changes came easily, everything felt brand new, and life was more real than ever before. Even with the heaviness of dealing with wounds that I had kept hidden for decades, every waking day felt like a new opportunity and I never wanted it to stop.

I didn’t think it would stop either. I felt that now that I had broken through I would live the rest of my life in the sun. This breakthrough would be the only one I would ever need, carrying me through every life change that I ever wanted.

That was nearly eight years ago, so it’s fair to ask whether I have, indeed, kept that same enthusiastic high all the way through. Well, let me tell you…

No. Not at all.

I guess it’s probably predictable, but it was still a disappointment for me when that enthusiasm dissipated, returning me to the doldrums of uphill battles. Changes became hard to make again, connection with God required real effort, and temptation once again lurked around every corner. And while I had made progress with one addiction, I still struggled just as much with others. So no, this one breakthrough didn’t solve everything for me.

But it did solve some things. I can still say that this breakthrough was very much a life-changing experience for me. My life has been permanently better ever since, with transformations that I’ve never gone back on, such as the resolve to tell the truth, even when it is uncomfortable. My initial breakthrough was real and meaningful, but it was also just one one leg of a much longer journey.

From what I’ve seen, this sort of experience isn’t unique. Every great story of recovery is not the end of the series. It has many sequels. I have seen this in my life, and in the lives of others, and even in the scriptures.

Think of the apostle Peter. Peter had a great breakthrough when Jesus guided him to a miraculous catch of fish, absolved him of his sin, and invited him to “follow me.” Just like that, the fisherman was transformed, and became a worker of miracles and a fierce defender of the faith. But that was not the end of his story, nor was it the only breakthrough he experienced. He had another when he walked out on the water. He had another when he was called anew by the resurrected Lord. None of those breakthroughs were insignificant, but also none of them were his entire story. It took all of them to make him the man he was meant to be.

Going back to the Old Testament, in the ancient tabernacle there were three curtains: one to pass from the outside world into the courtyard, one to pass from the courtyard into the tabernacle, and one inside the tabernacle to enter the most holy place. This shows a pattern of multiple awakenings, multiple rebirths, multiple breakthroughs before we arrive at our final destination.

And, going back to my story, I’m happy to say that even though life is still an uphill battle, that first breakthrough was not my last. After several years of gradual, mounting struggle I finally had another epiphany just recently. The result of that second breakthrough is that I finally understand what it means to truly view marriage as sacred. This has resulted in significant changes to my attitude and expectations, ones that I believe are permanent.

Does that mean that I have finally arrived and my journey is over? Absolutely not! There are plenty of areas where I’m still fighting an uphill battle, problems that I still don’t have the answer to, and doldrums that I still struggle to snap out of. But things are getting progressively better, and I do believe there will be more breakthroughs yet to come, and I genuinely think everything will be alright in the end. That is enough.

By Abe, Writing Team

The Chore Chart

My earliest memories include standing on a stool at the kitchen sink helping my mom wash dishes. The warm water, the bubbles, and the special time with Mom were pure joy and one of my favorite things to do. Then one day, Mom hung a chart on the refrigerator. It was a chore chart showing which day of the week each family member was responsible for doing the dishes. From that point on, doing the dishes became an annoying assignment.

As I grew up, I remember wanting to be a good boy. I wanted to embody all the qualities of the Sunday School songs we sang at church. I wanted to earn all the scouting badges. I wanted to be happy and to help other people be happy. And then, people began to tell me that being all those good things was more than something to aspire to - they were requirements. If I failed, I’d be considered bad, unworthy—and I might even end up in jail or, worse, hell. My desire to be a good boy was put on a chore chart. Gradually, my desire to be good was transformed into just another annoying assignment.

As annoying as it was, I continued trying to be good through the next several decades. The results were mixed. I pushed myself to meet expectations but was often dragged down by my flaws. I wore the mask of a good person while concealing the weight of some sizable failures.

I was in my 40s before things really started to change. I remember watching the dystopian movie Divergent back in 2014. In the movie, everyone at age 16 is forced to choose one of five factions. Each faction is based on a single virtue like bravery or selflessness. Once a youth chooses a faction, they are committed for life and undergo rigorous training and testing on the faction’s virtue. As you'd expect from a dystopian movie, a resistance forms, and in a pivotal moment, a young rebel declares:

"I don't want to be just one thing! I want to be brave and selfless and intelligent and honest and kind!"

The words hit me like a bolt of lightning. As I watched that scene, something deep inside me resonated with a fierce "Me too!"

I believe my inner child surfaced in that movie theater—the one who had been buried under all the chore charts, all the "shoulds" and "should nots," and all the dire consequences of failure. That night, he surfaced with his little heart still wanting all the good things. I felt like shouting to the world:

"Forget your charts, your rules, your expectations, and your consequences! You ruined it and stole all the joy. Well, I'm not doing this for you anymore. I'm going after all the good things because I want it!"

When I was freed to pursue goodness because I wanted to—rather than because I was expected to—I rediscovered the joy I felt as a child, standing next to my mom at the kitchen sink. And in the pursuit of goodness, joy can make all the difference.

By Ty, Writing Team

Miracle on Miracles - The Accumulative Power of Small Increments

What would it take to make a major difference in your life?

Recently I thought winning the mega millions lottery would do it. But then I studied it out. There’s a very high probability of divorce, death, kids getting on drugs, kidnap and ransom, unwanted solicitations from anyone who finds out you won the jackpot, family envy and estrangement, survivor’s guilt, depression, and suicide among other things … so it takes an immense amount of luck to win it and even more to enjoy it and not have it ruin your life. At least, that is what the known statistics point to. Of course, the optimist in me said, “yeah, but God, let me give it a go …”

With the lottery out of the picture, I decided to leave the addictive fixation on something-for-nothing and instead dive into my relationship with God who only gives good gifts, and who uses trials and tribulation to tutor, teach, and improve me. 

Three years ago at my first bootcamp, I sat on the scenic Utah mountains with a dusting of snow, looking at the cold pond reflecting the sky, and seeing the Park City valley below. I was talking to God about Adventure and He assured me big things were coming and that big things have already come into my life. I just needed to open my eyes and look around. Be more cognizant and thankful. 

OpenAI. (2024). ChatGPT [Large language model]. https://chatgpt.com

I had written down several very specific goals that cold fall morning and what success would look like. Three years later, this very morning as I sat eating a free breakfast (they had a spin-and-win when I went to buy my breakfast ticket at the casino a few miles from my house), I realized God was showing off. I don’t have my journal in front of me, but as I recall what I wrote, I see little checks and “in progress” indicators in my mind’s eye next to each of those things I wrote down so long ago. 

Which brings me to the title of this blog and one of my favorite songs of late: “Million Little Miracles” by Elevation Worship and Maverick City Music. 

“I've got some blessings that I don't deserve. I've got some scars, but that's how you learn. It's nothing short of a miracle I'm here

I think it over and it doesn't add up, I know it comes from above. I've got miracles on miracles, A million little miracles.”

When I see how the miracles in my life have occurred, very few were instant Big Bang events. Instead, I can connect the dots to a guy I met in an online 12-Step meeting many years ago, who invited me to a boot camp where I met my AZ Band of Brothers and the UU Crew, who invited me to contribute to this blog. The first thing in my boot camp notebook was to start writing about recovery in a public forum. 

I’ve also connected with so many other great men, one of whom I invited to a bootcamp, and who got me a job after I was recently laid off. The day after I was laid off, I was sitting in this exact chair, at the same table, and full of anxiety and fear over how to pay bills. I trusted in God but couldn’t see past the current minute let alone hour or day. Now I sit here and am amazed at the miracles in my life and the lives of those I know. 

The morning I got my new job I had another song pop up on my Spotify radio after Miracles: “New Things Coming” followed by “Always on Time,” both by Elevation. I get a new adventure - and it was exactly on time. Praise Jesus! 

I have many, many more strings like that I can share. I’d love to hear yours in the comments below. 

If you feel you are drowning in a sea of deep water, and you have a storm surrounding you, suffocating you with the water as you are dragged under, I can promise Christ is right there. All you have to do is reach up and grasp. Christ walks on water in the storm. 

Also, reach out to those around you. Be willing to dive in and do the 12-step work of identifying past traumatic events, what you could and could not control, make amends, and begin a life of peace. A good therapist and an army of your own band of bruthas or sistas will get you out of the storm and into shelter, steadily pointed back to the Glory of God and redeeming Blood of Christ. 

I’m thankful for the “miracles on miracles” in my life and I praise Jesus for His Grace, truth, sacrifice, and my free breakfast.