Trapped: Reflections on Kaleb's story

In our most recent episode, Kaleb shares his struggle with addiction or compulsive behavior, imprisonment, and recovery. Listening to his story, I was struck by how closely his experience of prison parallels the experience of being trapped in compulsive behavior. As Kaleb points out, prison fosters feelings of isolation and powerlessness, reinforces labels, and dictates actions—much like compulsive behavior itself.

On my own recovery journey, I have felt isolated and powerless, unable to foster closeness or intimacy in my relationships. Labels—imposed by others and myself—have weighed heavily on me. My actions often felt constrained, and I was confined by cravings that persisted despite devastating consequences. Shame and guilt fueled denial and further isolation, making it harder to seek help. But as Kaleb’s story illustrates, there’s hope for escape.

A Correct Understanding of God
Initially, Kaleb’s view of God was that of a distant, vague, disconnected figure. “An old man with a white beard.” This perception began to shift during his incarceration. Confronted with himself and his actions, he actively sought ways to minimize distraction and turned to scripture, prayer, and meditation. This created space for introspection and spiritual growth, allowing him to personally experience God’s grace and presence. Over time, Kaleb came to see God and Christ not as distant figures, but as patient, forgiving, and as his “biggest cheerleaders.”

As Kaleb grew closer to God, he chose to surrender—accepting his legal and spiritual reality and seeking God’s direction. He describes this surrender as “shutting up and listening” to God.

For me, this shift—from seeing God as disconnected to experiencing Him as close and loving— and surrendering to Him was a pivotal moment in escaping my prisons. What fascinates me most is that this transformation occurred within the very walls of addiction. I originally expected to have to free myself - with a little help, but it was in the midst of my struggle that I experienced God’s sanctifying presence.

God holds the key to our prisons. Honest self-reflection reveals that we are powerless to escape on our own. Only God can free us, and He’s ready to. Surrendering to this truth is crucial. When we view God as distant, surrender feels terrifying, like trading one prison for another. But when we surrender to the true God, we experience peace, hope, patience, and ultimately, healing and freedom.

Embracing Support from Others
While turning to God is foundational, Kaleb’s story also emphasizes the importance of human connection. He mentions "really supportive friends that tried to do as much as they could" despite the challenges of his situation. Therapy also played a significant role. He describes his therapist as someone who provided consistent support throughout his journey. Kaleb also talks about finding a sense of community within prison with a group of men who, like him, were focused on personal growth.

These connections underscore a powerful truth: we can’t navigate recovery alone. Accepting support from others is critical to breaking free.

Finding Purpose
Kaleb emphasizes the importance of "finding a purpose, finding something to work for" as a crucial element of his story. His desire to share his story and help others in recovery, and his decision to pursue a career as a shop teacher, despite the challenges posed by his criminal record, exemplifies this commitment to finding meaning and purpose. A higher story.

Kaleb’s experience in prison provides a great parallel with compulsive behavior and inspires hope that transformation is possible, even when we feel most trapped. Whether in a physical prison or the prisons of the mind, there is a way out: surrender to God, connection, and purpose.

By Ty, Writing Team

We Lead With Our Weakness

We Lead With Our Weakness: Finding Freedom in Vulnerability

In the SA 12-Step program, there’s a powerful concept about leading with our weakness in a group setting. As their literature beautifully puts it:

“We lead with our weakness because that’s where we’re hurting, and this becomes the point of our identification with each other, the point of true union.”

When I first began my recovery journey and attended 12-Step meetings, this idea was both shocking and refreshing. I remember sitting there, listening to people openly share their deepest, darkest secrets – something I’d spent years hiding out of shame.

For so long, I had worked tirelessly to keep parts of my life locked away, as if concealing them would make the pain disappear. And yet, here were people – all complete strangers to me – talking openly about struggles that mirrored my own. The noon sunlight streaming into the room felt symbolic, as if the very act of bringing these secrets into the open was a kind of healing in itself.

Leading With Weakness: A Core of Our Podcast Mission

Our podcast is built on this principle: leading with weakness. It’s about sharing the raw, unvarnished truth – what might feel ugly or shameful – right at the outset. And then we explore the journey from that brokenness to the beauty and redemption waiting on the other side.

For me, that journey wasn’t something I could take alone. Christ became my guide, revealing the beauty that God had always placed within me. When I finally surrendered to His goodness and love, I could begin to let go of the shame that had chained me for so long. I came to trust that I am good – not because of anything I’ve done – but because He is Good.

Sharing: Finding the Right Balance

Of course, sharing isn’t something we do recklessly. It’s taken time for me to discern where and with whom to share my story. I’ve learned to tailor my vulnerability based on the comfort levels and readiness of those around me.

But here’s the thing: when I first shared my full story – right here, for the podcast, for the world to hear – it was an incredible moment of release. After I closed down the Zoom recording, I realized the weight I’d been carrying wasn’t mine anymore. I had handed it over to Christ and in front of anyone in the world who was willing to hear.

The shackles of shame that had bound me for so long were broken. I was free.

A Call to Bring Your Darkness Into the Light

If you’re still holding on to deep, dark secrets, I want to encourage you with something I’ve learned: secrets left in the dark don’t just stay the same – they grow, like mold. But when you expose them to light, they begin to shrink and lose their power over you.

This Holiday season, consider giving yourself a gift that can truly change your life. Reach out to an experienced therapist, a trusted member of your church, or a recovery group. Start speaking your truth in safe spaces. Let the light in and allow the healing to begin.

You’re not alone. Freedom is waiting. And when you lead with your weakness, you may find that it’s the very place where grace and healing take root.

By Pete, Writing Team

Breakthrough After Breakthrough

A whale deep in the ocean rises through the water for a long time before finally breaking the surface in a dramatic and thunderous splash. It feels like my commitment to recovery worked the same way. On the surface, there was nothing, nothing, nothing…then a sudden dramatic moment of making confession, getting into addiction recovery, and implementing huge changes to my life. But just like the whale breaching, that sudden surge didn’t come from nothing. The need to live the truth had been burning in my soul for a long while, growing and building pressure, driving me towards the surface for quite some time.

When all that pent up desire for the truth finally broke through, it was quite the high for me. Motivation went through the roof, changes came easily, everything felt brand new, and life was more real than ever before. Even with the heaviness of dealing with wounds that I had kept hidden for decades, every waking day felt like a new opportunity and I never wanted it to stop.

I didn’t think it would stop either. I felt that now that I had broken through I would live the rest of my life in the sun. This breakthrough would be the only one I would ever need, carrying me through every life change that I ever wanted.

That was nearly eight years ago, so it’s fair to ask whether I have, indeed, kept that same enthusiastic high all the way through. Well, let me tell you…

No. Not at all.

I guess it’s probably predictable, but it was still a disappointment for me when that enthusiasm dissipated, returning me to the doldrums of uphill battles. Changes became hard to make again, connection with God required real effort, and temptation once again lurked around every corner. And while I had made progress with one addiction, I still struggled just as much with others. So no, this one breakthrough didn’t solve everything for me.

But it did solve some things. I can still say that this breakthrough was very much a life-changing experience for me. My life has been permanently better ever since, with transformations that I’ve never gone back on, such as the resolve to tell the truth, even when it is uncomfortable. My initial breakthrough was real and meaningful, but it was also just one one leg of a much longer journey.

From what I’ve seen, this sort of experience isn’t unique. Every great story of recovery is not the end of the series. It has many sequels. I have seen this in my life, and in the lives of others, and even in the scriptures.

Think of the apostle Peter. Peter had a great breakthrough when Jesus guided him to a miraculous catch of fish, absolved him of his sin, and invited him to “follow me.” Just like that, the fisherman was transformed, and became a worker of miracles and a fierce defender of the faith. But that was not the end of his story, nor was it the only breakthrough he experienced. He had another when he walked out on the water. He had another when he was called anew by the resurrected Lord. None of those breakthroughs were insignificant, but also none of them were his entire story. It took all of them to make him the man he was meant to be.

Going back to the Old Testament, in the ancient tabernacle there were three curtains: one to pass from the outside world into the courtyard, one to pass from the courtyard into the tabernacle, and one inside the tabernacle to enter the most holy place. This shows a pattern of multiple awakenings, multiple rebirths, multiple breakthroughs before we arrive at our final destination.

And, going back to my story, I’m happy to say that even though life is still an uphill battle, that first breakthrough was not my last. After several years of gradual, mounting struggle I finally had another epiphany just recently. The result of that second breakthrough is that I finally understand what it means to truly view marriage as sacred. This has resulted in significant changes to my attitude and expectations, ones that I believe are permanent.

Does that mean that I have finally arrived and my journey is over? Absolutely not! There are plenty of areas where I’m still fighting an uphill battle, problems that I still don’t have the answer to, and doldrums that I still struggle to snap out of. But things are getting progressively better, and I do believe there will be more breakthroughs yet to come, and I genuinely think everything will be alright in the end. That is enough.

By Abe, Writing Team