We do not grow to know God

/

“Out of the wreck of our disfigured, misshapen selves, so darkened by shame and disgrace, indeed the Lord comes to us disguised as ourselves. And we don't grow into this—we just learn to pay better attention. The 'no matter whatness' of God dissolves the toxicity of shame and fills us with tender mercy. Favorable, finally, and called by name—by the one your mom uses when she's not pissed off.” - Tattoos On The Heart, Gregory Boyle end of Chapter 2.

During a very dark period of my life when I was facing bankruptcy, seemingly divorce, and wondering what the point of continuing to live was, several messages permeated the self pity to reach down inside.

There are a number of stories of someone searching the world in search of riches and fame only to die penniless and alone. Later, after they had passed on, great treasure was found right in their backyard. They wasted their lives looking for what was in their own backyard.

I’ve shared before that a seminal moment occurred to me in a gym while jet lagged in Asia in these Lyrics by Kirsty Hawkshaw and Tiësto in their song “Just Be”:

You can travel the world, but you can't run away
From the person you are in your heart
You can be who you want to be
Make us believe in you
Keep all your light in the dark
If you're searching for truth
You must look in the mirror
And make sense of what you can't see
Just be
Just be

If God is the ultimate creator of all things - if He creates a human body capable of healing itself and propelling itself with food and rest and activity; if He breathed life into me and gave me the miracle of daily breath - then what I need to be fulfilled and happy is likely inside of me already. All I need to do is to uncover it. Not to go and find it (though adventures help me to see that the imaginary limitations of fear and laziness are just that - imaginary), but to accept that all I need is already within. The purpose and journey of life is in having it revealed through action.

Actor Morgan Freeman playing God in Evan Almighty dispels wisdom: “If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does He give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prays for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous?”

His tutelage isn’t to drop blessings on us without our effort. It is to reveal to us who we really are. What is hidden beneath.

The eye opening experience for me as I am living a life in early recovery is to ask “God, what is this propensity for addiction all about?!? What have You given me in this process that is good? Is it just for me to be humbled and come to You and to reach out to others? That has worked well, but what else are You teaching me? The ability to lust is easy, but what is godly? To teach me to pursue good things when that energy is properly directed?”

It is an interesting place to be. After years of coping with life’s distractions and disappointments, I, in one way, find that I’m a kid on a bike with training wheels as I learn new ways to look at challenges.

Rather than running or seeking to mask pain, I’m learning to lean in and ask God “what is wanted? What would You have me do? Where are You in this situation? Please open my eyes to see others as You see them, inspire my hands to do what You would have me do and open my heart to love as You love.”

What is next?

  • How has God showed up for you? Do you believe He loves you unconditionally?

  • What good things have come out of your trials in life? How are they teaching you?

By Pete, Writing Team

Micro-trauma

/

Recently, my wife discovered that our teenager's playlists were seasoned with explicit music and asked if I could have a chat with her. I can't say I was delighted, but I accepted the challenge. Then, I remembered facing off with my own parents over this very issue and hesitated. As a teen, I defended my music as a coping mechanism that didn't leave any lasting scars and highlighted that high school sounded just like it. I wasn't entirely wrong, but as a parent, I had to think it through a little more.

As I thought through the situation, the term "micro-trauma" came to mind. A quick search revealed it refers to subtly hurtful interactions like the cold shoulder, offhanded insults, or being interrupted. The suggested remedy is to cry 'foul' - call it out, nip it in the bud, and seek professional help if prolonged exposure makes it necessary.

My mind wandered further down this path and other memories surfaced - reading graphic historical accounts of torture at an impressionable age, an obsession with books on the holocaust in college, years tuned into fear-mongering talk radio, and an insatiable appetite for the news.

None of these activities are inherently bad and I could defend them with logic akin to my teenage self’s defense of explicit music: no harm done in the long run and staying informed is important. But with the micro-trauma concept playing in my mind, I had to wonder if there wasn’t a cumulative effect that influenced my emotional state and view of the world. And could it even have played a part in my compulsive behaviors by contributing to the anxiety and pain I was running from?

In recent years, I've grappled with the realization that I approach the world from a position of fear, assuming the worst, easily becoming alarmed, experiencing frequent nightmares, and avoiding opportunities that make me nervous but shouldn't. And of course, I tend to easily lose hope and cope in unhealthy ways. While larger traumas explain some of this, I couldn't help but wonder if accumulated micro-trauma played a role.

The conversation with my daughter is looming. Her ability to consider her seemingly distant future is limited by her age, so I think I'm going to approach it from the 'I' and talk about how I've decided to cry 'foul' - limit my consumption of influences that may negatively impact my outlook and consider bringing it up with a professional. Something makes me think it's going to pay dividends and brings on a smile.

What next?

  • Assess your interactions with other people for micro-trauma.

  • Evaluate your life for accumulating influences that might be stealing your joy.

  • Find remedies for what you discover and enjoy a brighter outlook.

By Ty, Writing Team

The Insanity Solo Cycle

/

In a scripture study this week at church the conversation of how to deal with negative emotions came up.

The answers:

Read scriptures. Say prayers. Journal. Sing a song didn’t come up but has in previous discussions.

These are all really good things. But why do we often go to solving problems on our own?

Trying to go it alone is the largest stumbling block ah-ha I’ve had as I’ve worked on my own recovery and with others on their path.

What if a trauma wound is with religion and God? The answers above may be more rage inducing than comforting.

It is like a truck with bald tires stuck in the snow. More effort just digs the tires deeper until the bottom of the truck is resting on the snow and the tires just spin and spin until the engine overheats or runs out of gas.

Forward movement is only possible when the snow and ice thaw and the mud dries up - assuming your truck is now not stuck in the hardened mud!

The greatest tool our enemy has is to keep us trying to “git-‘r-done” on our own. I live and die emotionally, mentally, and spiritually based on how much I’m reaching out to others. It sounds overly simplistic. It also seems complicated.

“What if others judge me?”

“I’ve tried it before, but it doesn't work.”

This is what Steven chased after me about in the bonus content of my UU podcast episode for our Outsiders.

For me I just kept on doing it. Over and over again. Look, addiction taught me how to be repetitive really well. I might as well use that repetition for good, right?

It was painful in the beginning. It was almost all one-sided for a while. I found out I reached out to the wrong people at first- others stuck too but who enjoyed hearing their engine rev as their truck sunk deeper still.

But over time I’ve gotten my crew together. Over time others reach out to me first.

And my life is soooo much better.

Life is a beautiful thing with heart aches and hard lessons, but I know God loves me and I know the names of many who love me. And when I’m feeling down and out, y’all lift me up.

What next

  • What are you willing to do differently?

  • Spend time each morning connecting to God with two questions: “how do You see me?” and “who can I reach out to?

  • Look for people whose truck isn’t stuck in the mud. There are many who have overcome adversity in life, seek them.

By Pete, Writing Team