Defying Gravity

This past week I had another church leader call and ask for help. Same guys coming to him regularly to confess relapsing with pornography and acting out. They are trying to figure it out on their own but seeking little success. The wives are hurt but don’t want to leave. What should he be doing differently?

I liken it to the point in my life when I was similarly stuck: sitting in a poopy diaper. The diaper didn’t get better, but I got comfortably numb to the smell, discomfort, and shame of it. I’d try to overpower the smell with a pose that all is well, “no trouble in this household”, “nothing to see here” … white shirt and tie guy at church whilst sitting in that stinky damp diaper in the gutters of the internet week after week.

Before I disclosed what was going on, my wife knew well there was a problem, but she didn’t know what the problem was. I imagine my kids and coworkers could smell something was off but it didn’t have a name. For me, secrecy was every bit as damming as the addiction itself.

I tried everything. Therapists. 12 Step meetings in many different groups. Sheer will power. Working out. Rigorous schedule. Perfectionism.

Caught in a transactional relationship with God, I would try to do enough good things to not feel like a bad person, but could never stay ahead on the interest payments, let alone all the debt I had accumulated in the secret agreement I had with the wrong god.

Okay, so I didn’t try everything. I didn’t want anyone close to me to know. Aside from my own periodic confessions on a Sunday where I downplayed the amount of time spent in a relapse and number of times of what acting out looked out, except my wife and therapist, and pastor, I didn’t want anyone else to know.

I felt like the Millennial Falcon in the Star Wars movie, stuck in the powerful tractor beam of the Death Star of addiction. At full power, the ship rocked and shook, but closer and closer I came to the seeming impending doom and it left me more exhausted and hopeless.

I broke down and got a sponsor. He told me to get a group of friends. Not casual interactions with guys I could head-nod to occasionally, but the kind I run up to and hug. Someone who would bail me out of jail.

Another sponsor made it a requirement that I reach out to three guys a day. I only knew two. I started attending different meetings and my contact list grew larger, but only via text and phone.

I got to a bootcamp and realized I didn’t know The True God and His Son. A loving Dad who can’t wait to hear from me. Who loves me no matter what. An older Brother who purchased me and makes up all the difference when I confess to Him and let Him take my sins. During the short vows of silence I began talking to Him, feeling His Love, and crying out for help. During the socializing times I took down numbers and shared my story and listened as others shared theirs.

The cross means so much to me in many ways. When it comes to reaching out, the physical appearance of the cross reminds me my feet need to be firmly rooted, my head looking up to Heaven from where salvation comes. And my arms need to reach out to others.

God breaks me free from the gravity of addiction to a much higher power - LOVE.

It’s mental and emotional physics. I can’t move away from something if the new thing I want doesn’t have enough critical mass to keep pulling me out of my old orbit.

One of my favorite traditions of AA: “Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it because you are worth it!”

And your family is worth it. Cleaning up the diaper and not getting back into a new one takes effort and time. It takes a lot of surrender.

So my answer to the church leader who reached out: gotta have people who have overcome the addiction speak openly about their struggles and path back to God and brotherhood. Removing shame is a huge step towards releasing the grip addiction has in its secret combinations and agreements that I’m not worth saving.

People ask me why I’m so gung ho on Bootcamps. Three days surrounded by people who are unashamed and unafraid, focusing on my relationship with God is a REALLY powerful pull in the right direction. After decades of rinse and repeat repentance and relapse, I need to have clear headspace and to feel unconditionally loved for a few days to receive revelation and a respite from the lone and dreary world of isolation.

We are six or so weeks into the New Year - if all else has failed in your resolutions, I invite you to a good place of connection and reaching out. It’s scary at first. People won’t accept you or trust you immediately. It may take time.

But it is worth it! I dare you to defy your gravity.

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What Next?

• Are you stuck in this cycle? Who can you reach out to and share what you are going through? Have no one? Reach out to this group. Get to a bootcamp or other retreat and get some mental space to feel God’s love and connect with others.

• How many brothers (for women, sisters) do you have who love you unconditionally? I spent many months and years praying people into my life and can strongly recommend you do the same.

• How’s your relationship with God? Do you feel unconditionally loved? Take courage and kneel down and ask Him “Do You love me Dad?” Stay quiet and feel. Allow Him space. Surrender to Him daily.

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By Pete, Writing Team

Snacks, Walks and Recovery

I was blessed that the dust eventually settled after I first disclosed my addiction to my wife. Once it did, one of the steps we took was to create a relapse prevention plan. As part of that plan we included falling back on my food "addiction" as an emergency measure. While it's not a cure, indulging in sloppy hamburgers and jelly doughnuts has saved me from porn binges more than once. It's just an emergency measure because junk food negatively affects how I feel physically, and when I don't feel well, I'm less powerful in my recovery. This makes how I eat, as well as exercise, important parts of my recovery.

For many, this can be a delicate topic, often wrapped up in the emotional turmoil that also underlies one's harmful behaviors. So, this post isn't a call for significant lifestyle changes, which is a matter for self-reflection, prayer, and for some, consultation with a good doctor or therapist. Instead, I aim to look at how simple adjustments, like skipping a snack or dessert, and engaging in activities such as weight lifting, walks, and hikes, can be valuable tools for recovery.

Let's look first at exercise, known to release endorphins, the body's natural mood enhancers, playing a pivotal role in managing emotional challenges. Since learning the power and value of a simple prayerful walk at Warrior Heart bootcamp, I've often wondered if such a thing shouldn't replace the emergency measure in my relapse prevention plan mentioned earlier. Now that I see God as my loving friend, the thought of a walk with Him no longer carries the dread of feeling judged or being commanded to try harder, as it used to. Instead, it carries the hope of renewed strength and clarity of thought. Even a walk without prayer or some light weight lifting brings about clarity of thought. Adding the satisfaction of accomplishing a goal, fresh air, and the inspiring views of a hike creates a powerful ally in recovery.

What I eat, and sometimes more importantly, how I feel about what I eat, directly impacts how I feel physically and emotionally. For me, this means that indulging in that bag of M&Ms (or three) in the afternoon to ease some stress at work or enjoying a bowl of ice cream after dinner translates into later grogginess, regret and foggy thinking that can influence decisions I make on my phone or computer later in the evening. When I sense the draw of pornography, I hope to use the clarity of thought I have during the day to decide against this kind of snacking, protecting myself from its effects in the evening.

In recovery, I can often live outside of reality: the light of my relationships and purpose in life can be dulled. In that state, the pull of pornography encounters less resistance. The effect that even a little exercise or small decision regarding snacking has on brightening that light can't be understated.

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What next?

• Consider what impact exercise could have had on your last slip-up.

• Consider how snacking may have influenced your last slip-up.

• Prayerfully develop plans to employ the weapons of exercise and good snacking decisions against your next potential slip-up.

• Don't do this at the expense of connection with God and brother/sisterhood. These and others are more powerful weapons.

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By Ty, Writing Team

Present and Pleasant

A good friend and former sponsor called me awhile back to share that he had stunned his family. As they had been packing the car to go on a vacation, he had helped out and was calm and collected. He waited patiently for everyone to be ready and off they went. It was stunning because for most of their lives, his daughters and wife were used to him getting very agitated and impatient. They actually wondered if he was okay because he was the opposite of what they had been used to.

I took that to heart because I can easily default to the same negative behaviors. I had a situation with an older child moving a few months back and he gave similar feedback to my wife in effect: “what’s wrong with Dad? He usually gets very worked up, controlling, and impatient when we do these sorts of things.”

Being present takes a lot of work for me. I can get impatient and to cope, I have often zoned out on my phone or deep in thought. I actually have to remind myself often when someone is talking to me or otherwise needing my attention to pay attention. On my computer I’ve enabled a setting that hides all application windows except for the few I need active for a particular task because it is just too easy for me to get distracted and miss what someone was saying on a video call. I don’t always remember to activate it, but I catch myself checking news or stock prices or searching for something to buy and remember to enable it.

Christ exemplified being present perfectly. In Luke chapter 8, Jairus, the ruler of the synagogue, had pleaded with Christ to heal his daughter. Time was of the essence as she lay dying. On His way to her, Christ was moving through a pressing crowd when He perceived someone had touched Him. Many scholars speculate that Christ knew well who touched Him, but he needed to give the woman a chance to speak for herself.

Despite the crowd and the pleas of Peter to move on, He comforted and sent her away in peace. He gave the same advice to Jairus when news of his daughter's demise came at about the same moment.

Being present takes practice. For me, for a while, I had to put my phone in a different room when spending time with the family, or eating dinner.

Another sponsor asked me what my onramp program is when I am driving home from the airport after a work trip or bootcamp after I explained to him how disastrous a reentry had been. So now I take a deep breath before I enter the door. I try to look people in the eyes when they are talking to me and make mental bullet lists of what they are saying. Listening is truly a wonderful skill and one I have to practice a lot.

While we can’t be perfect, I challenge you to “be ye therefore present.” Your spouse, kids, coworkers, or others may want to check you into the hospital and make sure you are okay the first time you do it, but I promise it will begin to make a big difference in the quality of your connections.

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What next?

• Spend a minute in the morning or night thinking about the day ahead. When will you need to be present?

• Put your phone somewhere it is hard to find, turn on “do not disturb” for an hour when at dinner. Most emergencies at work, I have found, seem to work themselves out without me checking in every five minutes.

• Listen and repeat back to people what you are hearing them say. Empathize. And don’t do what I do in giving my wife advice … just hear her out!

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By Pete, Writing Team