Defying Gravity
/This past week I had another church leader call and ask for help. Same guys coming to him regularly to confess relapsing with pornography and acting out. They are trying to figure it out on their own but seeking little success. The wives are hurt but don’t want to leave. What should he be doing differently?
I liken it to the point in my life when I was similarly stuck: sitting in a poopy diaper. The diaper didn’t get better, but I got comfortably numb to the smell, discomfort, and shame of it. I’d try to overpower the smell with a pose that all is well, “no trouble in this household”, “nothing to see here” … white shirt and tie guy at church whilst sitting in that stinky damp diaper in the gutters of the internet week after week.
Before I disclosed what was going on, my wife knew well there was a problem, but she didn’t know what the problem was. I imagine my kids and coworkers could smell something was off but it didn’t have a name. For me, secrecy was every bit as damming as the addiction itself.
I tried everything. Therapists. 12 Step meetings in many different groups. Sheer will power. Working out. Rigorous schedule. Perfectionism.
Caught in a transactional relationship with God, I would try to do enough good things to not feel like a bad person, but could never stay ahead on the interest payments, let alone all the debt I had accumulated in the secret agreement I had with the wrong god.
Okay, so I didn’t try everything. I didn’t want anyone close to me to know. Aside from my own periodic confessions on a Sunday where I downplayed the amount of time spent in a relapse and number of times of what acting out looked out, except my wife and therapist, and pastor, I didn’t want anyone else to know.
I felt like the Millennial Falcon in the Star Wars movie, stuck in the powerful tractor beam of the Death Star of addiction. At full power, the ship rocked and shook, but closer and closer I came to the seeming impending doom and it left me more exhausted and hopeless.
I broke down and got a sponsor. He told me to get a group of friends. Not casual interactions with guys I could head-nod to occasionally, but the kind I run up to and hug. Someone who would bail me out of jail.
Another sponsor made it a requirement that I reach out to three guys a day. I only knew two. I started attending different meetings and my contact list grew larger, but only via text and phone.
I got to a bootcamp and realized I didn’t know The True God and His Son. A loving Dad who can’t wait to hear from me. Who loves me no matter what. An older Brother who purchased me and makes up all the difference when I confess to Him and let Him take my sins. During the short vows of silence I began talking to Him, feeling His Love, and crying out for help. During the socializing times I took down numbers and shared my story and listened as others shared theirs.
The cross means so much to me in many ways. When it comes to reaching out, the physical appearance of the cross reminds me my feet need to be firmly rooted, my head looking up to Heaven from where salvation comes. And my arms need to reach out to others.
God breaks me free from the gravity of addiction to a much higher power - LOVE.
It’s mental and emotional physics. I can’t move away from something if the new thing I want doesn’t have enough critical mass to keep pulling me out of my old orbit.
One of my favorite traditions of AA: “Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it because you are worth it!”
And your family is worth it. Cleaning up the diaper and not getting back into a new one takes effort and time. It takes a lot of surrender.
So my answer to the church leader who reached out: gotta have people who have overcome the addiction speak openly about their struggles and path back to God and brotherhood. Removing shame is a huge step towards releasing the grip addiction has in its secret combinations and agreements that I’m not worth saving.
People ask me why I’m so gung ho on Bootcamps. Three days surrounded by people who are unashamed and unafraid, focusing on my relationship with God is a REALLY powerful pull in the right direction. After decades of rinse and repeat repentance and relapse, I need to have clear headspace and to feel unconditionally loved for a few days to receive revelation and a respite from the lone and dreary world of isolation.
We are six or so weeks into the New Year - if all else has failed in your resolutions, I invite you to a good place of connection and reaching out. It’s scary at first. People won’t accept you or trust you immediately. It may take time.
But it is worth it! I dare you to defy your gravity.
What Next?
Are you stuck in this cycle? Who can you reach out to and share what you are going through? Have no one? Reach out to this group. Get to a bootcamp or other retreat and get some mental space to feel God’s love and connect with others.
How many brothers (for women, sisters) do you have who love you unconditionally? I spent many months and years praying people into my life and can strongly recommend you do the same.
How’s your relationship with God? Do you feel unconditionally loved? Take courage and kneel down and ask Him “Do You love me Dad?” Stay quiet and feel. Allow Him space. Surrender to Him daily.
By Pete, Writing Team