Present and Pleasant
/A good friend and former sponsor called me awhile back to share that he had stunned his family. As they had been packing the car to go on a vacation, he had helped out and was calm and collected. He waited patiently for everyone to be ready and off they went. It was stunning because for most of their lives, his daughters and wife were used to him getting very agitated and impatient. They actually wondered if he was okay because he was the opposite of what they had been used to.
I took that to heart because I can easily default to the same negative behaviors. I had a situation with an older child moving a few months back and he gave similar feedback to my wife in effect: “what’s wrong with Dad? He usually gets very worked up, controlling, and impatient when we do these sorts of things.”
Being present takes a lot of work for me. I can get impatient and to cope, I have often zoned out on my phone or deep in thought. I actually have to remind myself often when someone is talking to me or otherwise needing my attention to pay attention. On my computer I’ve enabled a setting that hides all application windows except for the few I need active for a particular task because it is just too easy for me to get distracted and miss what someone was saying on a video call. I don’t always remember to activate it, but I catch myself checking news or stock prices or searching for something to buy and remember to enable it.
Christ exemplified being present perfectly. In Luke chapter 8, Jairus, the ruler of the synagogue, had pleaded with Christ to heal his daughter. Time was of the essence as she lay dying. On His way to her, Christ was moving through a pressing crowd when He perceived someone had touched Him. Many scholars speculate that Christ knew well who touched Him, but he needed to give the woman a chance to speak for herself.
Despite the crowd and the pleas of Peter to move on, He comforted and sent her away in peace. He gave the same advice to Jairus when news of his daughter's demise came at about the same moment.
Being present takes practice. For me, for a while, I had to put my phone in a different room when spending time with the family, or eating dinner.
Another sponsor asked me what my onramp program is when I am driving home from the airport after a work trip or bootcamp after I explained to him how disastrous a reentry had been. So now I take a deep breath before I enter the door. I try to look people in the eyes when they are talking to me and make mental bullet lists of what they are saying. Listening is truly a wonderful skill and one I have to practice a lot.
While we can’t be perfect, I challenge you to “be ye therefore present.” Your spouse, kids, coworkers, or others may want to check you into the hospital and make sure you are okay the first time you do it, but I promise it will begin to make a big difference in the quality of your connections.
What next?
Spend a minute in the morning or night thinking about the day ahead. When will you need to be present?
Put your phone somewhere it is hard to find, turn on “do not disturb” for an hour when at dinner. Most emergencies at work, I have found, seem to work themselves out without me checking in every five minutes.
Listen and repeat back to people what you are hearing them say. Empathize. And don’t do what I do in giving my wife advice … just hear her out!
By Pete, Writing Team