Rebound!

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I like to play around with metaphors for my recovery journey. Sometimes it feels like a full-blown war, complete with losses, wounds and victories. But a party metaphor is solid too: In recovery, I'm having a great time with God, family, and my brotherhood - my squad! That is, until slip-ups happen. Those party crashers can bring despair and heavy consequences so I've got a playbook for dealing with them. It's not a silver bullet, but it packs a punch. It's my Sobriety Plan's bud - my Rebound Plan.

Good News
This plan includes good news and good advice and the good news stays front and center because discouragement is a slip-up’s partner in crime. So there I am after a slip-up, feeling like I've wandered down the block from my recovery bash. I’m out on the street. But I can hear the party still alive and kickin’ and I’m not banned - in fact I'm still on the VIP list! This stumble just adds an epic twist to my saga.

And even when the stumbles pile up and the consequences weigh me down, it's all good. Why? Because I'm not in charge here. That's my BFF (best father forever) - God, and guess what? He's out here on the street hanging right by my side, ready to head back together. And He's not solo: my squad is here for me as well. I’m like a son who’s taken a tumble while learning to toddle; Dad isn’t frowning, not now, not ever. I’m still worthy of His unconditional love, and with Him, I am enough.

Hope
The good advice is next up. First off, it's time for a heart-to-heart with the Big Guy: "God, I surrender all of this to You. Guide me back." And there's this spark of curiosity: how's He gonna work His magic? Now, I square my shoulders, lock eyes with my setback and my other storms, and declare, “I'm not who you say I am - I'm Ty! And my God is bigger than you all.”

Grace
Following that, I activate a personal boundary: no beating myself up. Shame isn’t on the guest list. Instead, I mentally step out of the situation and see it with compassion. Grace becomes my ticket back. I dive into inspiring things like praise music and 'The Inheritance' and throw my arms around my squad.

Light
Only darkness can kill the party so now I tackle the tough task of spilling the beans to those who matter. The lie stings worse than the stumble so I get right to this - it’s time to let the light in. Fear and haze often dominate here so If I need a pro's advice, I’m prepared to get it. I've got my empathy switch on high for the pain I've caused, and I'm all in to assist. And now my chains are loose if not gone and I'm pumped for the rest of my plan!

Growth
After that, I'm in full-on reflection mode: I ponder my slip-up and make notes. Then, I give myself a thumbs-up for growth.

Heart
Last but not least, I embrace the things that set my heart on fire – adventure, nature, music, or all of the above. Remember those epic movie comebacks? This is mine! I'm not just rebounding; I'm back to my recovery party with my BFF!

What's next?

  • Have some fun creating your own personal rebound plan if you don’t have one.

  • Party with a squad that includes the good-father-God. He's the life of the party!

  • For a turbo boost, extend a helping hand to one of your squad mates.

  • Keep pros on speed dial for those times your rebound plan doesn’t quite get you back to your recovery party.

By Ty, Writing Team

The Truth Shall Set You Free

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Many people in recovery track their sobriety date. For me, I track the day I decided to finally live a life of honesty. That day was February 26, 2019. I want to share with you why I do this.

Since entering recovery from my lifelong battle with lust addiction 4 years ago I have grown to love and appreciate the importance of honesty. I’m grateful for the critical role it’s played in my own journey of recovery. Unfortunately, honesty was not always such a priority in my life.

Through the years of my struggle with addiction I became a very good liar. It became so second nature that I would lie even when I didn’t need to. I lied to protect my secret at all costs even if it meant lying to those closest to me. Satan, the master of lies, convinced me that if I told anyone about my struggle I would be hated and lose everything important in my life such as my marriage and family. Leading up to everything finally coming out, I remember having a strong impression that if I could just be honest, I could get some help and be able to change, but as long as I continued lying, I would be on my own, unable to stop.

When I finally told the truth about everything I remember that the feeling of freedom that rushed over me felt so real. I could literally feel Satan’s grasp on me significantly weakened. It felt like the chains I had been carrying were gone. This experience had such a profound impact on me that I vowed from that time forward that I would always strive to be honest in every part of my life.

Every time I’ve had a slip or setback in my recovery I’ve been filled with guilt and shame, just like I used to feel prior to entering recovery. I’ve realized that part of my dishonesty was also me hiding my insecurities and struggles. Honesty has been my saving grace every time. As soon as I am honest with myself and others, including my sponsor and wife, I feel God’s grace again in my life.

The ironic thing is that my wife told me that it was all the lying that hurt her the most, more than knowing about my acting out.

I have realized that rather than focusing on my consecutive days of sobriety, I really just need to be honest. Nobody, including God, can do much for me when I’m not honest about what’s really going on with me. When I am honest, Satan has less influence on me, and I am better able to fight my addiction.

What next?

  • Consider your commitment to honesty. How honest are you?

  • How could improvement in your personal honesty move you forward in your path of recovery?

By Seth, Writing Team

When Darkness Descends

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I have a particular friend in mind as I write this, a Brother in Arms, a Warrior, someone who has conquered much but whose demons continue to depress and attempt to defeat him. But I also see so much of me and of you in our darkest hours in these thoughts I share.

Ever woken up only to be destroyed by the reality that something that you did or that happened to you really happened and was not just a bad dream? Wishing you could pull the covers over your head, get another hour or so of sleep and wake up in a new reality?

I had a career of 18 years yanked out from under me from someone who meant to do me harm several years ago and had many of these mornings wondering how I was going to feed my family and keep us insured. The anger and the frustration and bitterness strove to destroy me.

I’ve also spent my life dealing with an addiction that I have spent too much energy and decades of time trying to conceal. I’ve kept a deep secret of having been abused and then acting out sexually in secret trying to grasp onto some sort of self-manufactured acceptance. But each scientifically simulated hit of dopamine would undoubtedly wear off and leave me in a heap of despair the morning after a binge wondering why I did something I know causes so much pain.

The son of a pastor in my teenage years, and then later in civic, work, and church leadership positions, I put on one face to the public that everything is okay while fighting the demons who came, often nightly, whispering in my ear that the world is better off without me.

Those nocturnal voices have told me often that it just isn’t worth it. I should just let go and give into the temptations of acting out, and eventually ending my life. The “world would be better off without me” drum beat continued on.

Hope was for other people. People who deserved it. I didn’t deserve it. I mean look at all I’ve done, the evidence is piled up around me!

I was past hope. The only lights in my deep and dark tunnel of life seemed to be just another freight train barrelling down to further defeat me and leave me battered, beaten, defeated, and bruised.

The irony of it all is that I would attend church events. I would serve. I would treat others as I wanted to be treated (mostly if it served a purpose of feeling better about myself if truth be told) - but I didn’t feel I was worthy of being treated with the same grace. I’d get quick rays of hope - go into positive thinking, and have some days or weeks stitched together of light and of success.

But the drum beat rhythm was always there, ever so quiet but consistent - “you’re not worthy of good things, you are not worthy of love. You should just check out.”

At a bootcamp presentation Chris Bennet had a volunteer come to the stage and share his deepest and darkest thoughts. Another volunteer was called up to repeat one of the fears over and over again. Another volunteer selected to join the chorus until there were 3-4 guys constantly repeating the doldrum of defeat - “you’re not worth it,” “You are not loved,” “It’s too hard,” “You should just give up.” It was the first time I was able to experience my inner turmoil Hell outside of my head.

At one point of heightened acting out, my marriage hanging on by a thread, at my darkest hour I chickened out. I couldn’t commit suicide. It was too messy, I saw what other suicides did to the family and friends left behind. I knew there would be very little pity for me. Only anger, betrayal, confusion, and resentment.

I prayed to be killed. Preferably while traveling overseas for business as that gave my wife and children the maximum life insurance payout. One night I had a dream that it had happened, I saw the devastation I left behind. Not even death could deliver me or those around me! I was completely without hope.

We each have had - and I pray, with hope, will have - a turn around moment. For me there are many, but what really hit home was when a video of Graham Cooke’s The Inheritance was shared. I didn’t dare to believe his words so I listened to them again, and again, and again. I’m listening to them now as I type.

“The Lord says that there is nothing that you can do that will make Him love you more … There is also nothing you can do that would make him love you less … because He Loves you, because He Loves you, because He loves you … He won’t love you any better when you become better. He loves you 100% right now.” - Graham Cooke, The Inheritance

  • In reflection, the path for me has been in this order:

  • Believe there is a God for me

  • Have hope that God can love me

  • Believe in God

  • Believe Him - seek Him - share Him - surrender everything to Him

In my journey, learning that I don’t have to earn God’s love - there is no transactional relationship with Him - made all the difference. I was taught this by two great men not of my faith who shared with me how to pray like I meant it. Like God and I are sitting at the edge of the ocean as the sun is setting, a cold beverage in hand, the waves washing our feet. I’m sharing my deepest fears and all He has for me is love. No shame. He is smiling. Christ’s hands with the imprint of the nails reminding me that my burden was already purchased. That the battle I’m in was already won and He is the Victor. Feeling His embrace around me. Knowing that “God is Love” isn’t a bumper sticker but cemented in my heart.

He IS Love. In my darkest moments, not just when I shine. When hope is lost IS the best time to connect with Him. To surrender everything that is keeping me from Him seems obvious but was impossible for so much of my life. The “code” I’d been taught is God condemns the wicked and I was wicked. It was a false belief designed and perpetuated by the enemy of our souls whose job is made simpler if we give up and give in.

Our nomenclature for the podcast is Unashamed Unafraid. I’ve found that this comes AFTER the deep fear and shame of a life that was empty. It is a journey. But each time I surrender to God and reach out to others, the shame is dispelled, and I gain strength and courage against the fear.

If you are feeling lost and without hope, please reach out. There is hope. I can’t give it to you. I and dozens of others who have shared their deepest and darkest secrets on our podcast can share our journey with you though and how the Hope in Christ has manifested itself in our lives. In the beginning you will feel you are not worthy of it. Your biggest struggle is going to be to let go of that lie.

What next?

  • Bookmark Graham Cooke’s The Inheritance and listen to it, memorize it, have hope it can be true and let it take root inside of you. God loves all the way, all the time, and is unchanging, I pray that you begin to have the slightest bit of hope that it can be true.

  • Get in a twelve-step group, or band of brothers/sisters, with a therapist, or all three.

  • Reach out to others. I hate to break it to you, but you are not alone in your suffering. As an old timer at a 12-step meeting once said after we had all gone around the room and shared the deepest darkest moments of our lives “I keep coming to these meetings waiting to hear something new, but everyone’s story is my story.”

By Pete, Writing Team