The Plan

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On my recovery journey, God and my Support Systems (recovery groups, family/friends, therapy) are the VIPs at the party. But there are other guests that deserve some spotlight. In this post, I'd like to spotlight my day-to-day sobriety plan. I'm no recovery guru, but what follows is a light-hearted summary of a plan that's been - in one form or another - my partner-in-crime during my somewhat successful recovery journey.

Surrender
The first thing planned for the day is to surrender it to the Big Guy upstairs. I verbalize my worries and excitements of the day, giving them and their outcomes a one-way ticket to God's inbox. Then, I get curious to see how God and I will show up for them.

Peace
It's vital to keep my serenity intact. The news and most social media are not invited to the party. Peace is my plus one while drama sulks at the velvet rope.

Planning & Celebration
Something to look forward to turns out to be one of the most effective tools in the box so I bust out the confetti cannons to celebrate the Larger Story, Adventure, and Beauty time rockin' my calendar. And at least once a week, I prioritize whipping up some new plans to keep the calendar fresh. Oh, and an honorable mention: taking a stroll down memory lane with some epic past events!

Awareness
Let's talk triggers and warning signs. I've developed personal definitions for both that I frequently review. Triggers are anything that sparks things like lust, anxiety, anger or tiredness. Warning signs are sirens that signal trouble like changes in my mood, rationalization and secrecy. Reviewing these definitions shines an often deadly spotlight on the drama queens in my head.

Emergency Plan
Finally, I have an emergency plan for when I've crossed the line into dangerous territory. When the party is dying, I dive into my food addiction for just enough self-medicating to regain some sanity (it's like the unexpected dance move that saves the day). And then, it's a whirlwind of reaching out to God and my support squad, getting some adventure (motorcycle riding for me), serving someone and soaking in some Beauty time.

While the main stage belongs to God and my Support Systems, my plan can be like a secret weapon. It's a partner that keeps me on my toes, ready for whatever curveballs life throws my way.

What's Next

  • Dust off your own plan if you have one. Some tools might be begging for a makeover.

  • If you're plan-less, prayerfully put on your thinking cap and design one that suits you.

  • Consider also developing a Rebound plan full of honesty, sanity and self-compassion.

  • Get out on the dance floor! If it's not fun, are we doing it right?

By Ty, Writing Team



Releasing the Pain of Shame

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One of the biggest stumbling blocks of my recovery and relationship with God is understanding the difference between guilt and shame.

Guilt is knowing I’ve done something wrong and it dulls my ability to feel the promptings of the Holy Spirit of God. It is my innate connection with Christ having a separation because I am pursuing my own selfish desires instead of surrendering them to Him.

Shame is an inside job and the best tool the adversary has at his disposal. Shame says, “You did something bad, so you are bad and unlovable.”

So simple to write out. Such a powerful and destructive reality in my life at many times.

So how do I let it go?

I work on my relationship with God as a loving and caring Father. He loves me unconditionally. No matter what. In sin. Out of sin. When I am seeking Him. When I am not seeking Him. My efforts and abilities cannot – and do not – affect His love for me. For God IS LOVE. All the time and everywhere and in every circumstance. My actions don’t change His love for me.

God the Father’s ultimate love for me is in Jesus Christ and the sacrifice He made for me. There is a debt in each of our lives and no effort is able to pay it off. Christ took it all on and owns it and it is His. I can’t reclaim it. I can’t pay it down. It is there, but it isn’t mine.

Romans 5:12-18 (ESV) “But the free gift is not like the trespass. For if many died through one man’s trespass, much more have the grace of God and … those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ.”

My only job is to believe it and accept it. And often the accepting comes before the believing.

Shame tells me I am not good enough, I am not worthy of love. And it is a liar.

I pray, “Father, thank You for loving me. I do not feel worthy of that love but I know that doesn’t change the fact that You Love me! Help me to see myself as You see me. Please open my eyes to see others as You see them, especially those who have despitefully used me. I surrender myself to You Father. I surrender my fears, my insecurities, my mistrusts, and all of me. Show me the next step I can take to serve You by serving others.”

An intuitive thought comes. A face, a name, a situation. And I take action. My shame is surrendered and I move forward feeling lighter and relieved of the burden of my sins as I rejoice and live in Christ.

What now?

  • When I’m feeling down and out, I Google “the inheritance by Graham Cooke” and listen to it regularly.

  • Reach out to others and serve. Nothing quells the feelings of “I’m no good” like being with good people and serving them.

  • Listen to our podcasts and participate in the stories of those who thought they were lost only to be found.

By Pete, Writing Team

How My Life Wasn’t Destroyed

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Recently I was sharing about my struggle with pornography addiction with a friend of mine’s 19 year old son. During our conversation he expressed to me his desire to get past his addiction because multiple people in his life, including his parents and ecclesiastical leader, have told him that having an addiction to pornography will destroy his life. I began recalling the very same messages given to me from my own parents and ecclesiastical leaders as I was growing up. Because I believed these messages, for years, I chose to hide and keep secret my own struggle with sex addiction. As well-intentioned as these parents and leaders of both myself and this young man were, these messages are fear-based and full of shame.

As I drove home after speaking with this young man, I couldn’t help but reflect on my own journey that my struggle with sex addiction has taken me on. I asked myself if I feel like my life has been destroyed because of my addiction. As I pondered this question, the following thoughts came to my mind. They are only a few of the ways in which my life is vastly different than before.

I am much more empathetic for others than I ever was before. I can see now that everyone is struggling with some sort of pain or trauma whether emotional, physical, or spiritual. This has helped me to be much less judgmental.

I am more vulnerable now than I ever was before. I used to hide my worst parts because I was afraid others would reject me if they knew the real me. Vulnerability has allowed me to connect with other people which has been crucial for my recovery. It has helped me create true friendships with other men and to connect emotionally with my wife.

I strive to be more kind and compassionate towards others and myself than I ever was before. Having struggled with addiction for most of my life, I have been on the receiving end of a lot of shame whether from other people or from shaming myself. I have realized that nobody is perfect, especially myself. I have much more compassion for myself when I slip and make mistakes.

Most importantly, my relationship with God and Jesus Christ is deeper than it ever was before. I'm grateful for my struggle with addiction because in many ways it forced me to develop a relationship with them. I feel like I’m only scratching the surface in learning about how much they love me. Daily connection with them is crucial for my recovery. They lead my life much better than I can.

After finding some healing through my struggle with sex addiction I can clearly see that I am a different person. Just because someone struggles with a porn/sex addiction doesn’t mean their life will be destroyed. On the contrary. If we can replace shame and fear with hope, this can be an opportunity for self-learning, improvement, and growth that couldn’t come in any other way. Life can be much better than before.

What now?

  • Think about what fear messages you received growing up. How have they impacted your perspective?

  • Think about the messages you may be sharing with others you have influence over? How can you share more hope and less fear and shame?

By Seth, Writing Team