Releasing the Pain of Shame

One of the biggest stumbling blocks of my recovery and relationship with God is understanding the difference between guilt and shame.

Guilt is knowing I’ve done something wrong and it dulls my ability to feel the promptings of the Holy Spirit of God. It is my innate connection with Christ having a separation because I am pursuing my own selfish desires instead of surrendering them to Him.

Shame is an inside job and the best tool the adversary has at his disposal. Shame says, “You did something bad, so you are bad and unlovable.”

So simple to write out. Such a powerful and destructive reality in my life at many times.

So how do I let it go?

I work on my relationship with God as a loving and caring Father. He loves me unconditionally. No matter what. In sin. Out of sin. When I am seeking Him. When I am not seeking Him. My efforts and abilities cannot – and do not – affect His love for me. For God IS LOVE. All the time and everywhere and in every circumstance. My actions don’t change His love for me.

God the Father’s ultimate love for me is in Jesus Christ and the sacrifice He made for me. There is a debt in each of our lives and no effort is able to pay it off. Christ took it all on and owns it and it is His. I can’t reclaim it. I can’t pay it down. It is there, but it isn’t mine.

Romans 5:12-18 (ESV) “But the free gift is not like the trespass. For if many died through one man’s trespass, much more have the grace of God and … those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ.”

My only job is to believe it and accept it. And often the accepting comes before the believing.

Shame tells me I am not good enough, I am not worthy of love. And it is a liar.

I pray, “Father, thank You for loving me. I do not feel worthy of that love but I know that doesn’t change the fact that You Love me! Help me to see myself as You see me. Please open my eyes to see others as You see them, especially those who have despitefully used me. I surrender myself to You Father. I surrender my fears, my insecurities, my mistrusts, and all of me. Show me the next step I can take to serve You by serving others.”

An intuitive thought comes. A face, a name, a situation. And I take action. My shame is surrendered and I move forward feeling lighter and relieved of the burden of my sins as I rejoice and live in Christ.

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What now?

• When I’m feeling down and out, I Google “the inheritance by Graham Cooke” and listen to it regularly.

• Reach out to others and serve. Nothing quells the feelings of “I’m no good” like being with good people and serving them.

• Listen to our podcasts and participate in the stories of those who thought they were lost only to be found.

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By Pete, Writing Team

How My Life Wasn’t Destroyed

Recently I was sharing about my struggle with pornography addiction with a friend of mine’s 19 year old son. During our conversation he expressed to me his desire to get past his addiction because multiple people in his life, including his parents and ecclesiastical leader, have told him that having an addiction to pornography will destroy his life. I began recalling the very same messages given to me from my own parents and ecclesiastical leaders as I was growing up. Because I believed these messages, for years, I chose to hide and keep secret my own struggle with sex addiction. As well-intentioned as these parents and leaders of both myself and this young man were, these messages are fear-based and full of shame.

As I drove home after speaking with this young man, I couldn’t help but reflect on my own journey that my struggle with sex addiction has taken me on. I asked myself if I feel like my life has been destroyed because of my addiction. As I pondered this question, the following thoughts came to my mind. They are only a few of the ways in which my life is vastly different than before.

I am much more empathetic for others than I ever was before. I can see now that everyone is struggling with some sort of pain or trauma whether emotional, physical, or spiritual. This has helped me to be much less judgmental.

I am more vulnerable now than I ever was before. I used to hide my worst parts because I was afraid others would reject me if they knew the real me. Vulnerability has allowed me to connect with other people which has been crucial for my recovery. It has helped me create true friendships with other men and to connect emotionally with my wife.

I strive to be more kind and compassionate towards others and myself than I ever was before. Having struggled with addiction for most of my life, I have been on the receiving end of a lot of shame whether from other people or from shaming myself. I have realized that nobody is perfect, especially myself. I have much more compassion for myself when I slip and make mistakes.

Most importantly, my relationship with God and Jesus Christ is deeper than it ever was before. I'm grateful for my struggle with addiction because in many ways it forced me to develop a relationship with them. I feel like I’m only scratching the surface in learning about how much they love me. Daily connection with them is crucial for my recovery. They lead my life much better than I can.

After finding some healing through my struggle with sex addiction I can clearly see that I am a different person. Just because someone struggles with a porn/sex addiction doesn’t mean their life will be destroyed. On the contrary. If we can replace shame and fear with hope, this can be an opportunity for self-learning, improvement, and growth that couldn’t come in any other way. Life can be much better than before.

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What now?

• Think about what fear messages you received growing up. How have they impacted your perspective?

• Think about the messages you may be sharing with others you have influence over? How can you share more hope and less fear and shame?

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By Seth, Writing Team

The Tortoise and the Hare

A few weeks ago I was in an addiction support group meeting when someone identified 'not enjoying life' as one of their weaknesses. I'd never heard that before and I couldn't stop thinking about it. It’s got me on a refreshing path of discovery that involves humility, weakness, and the nature of my higher power.

In the fable, "The Tortoise and the Hare" the tortoise wins a race with the hare because he knew that the overconfident hare would get lazy after sprinting early in the race. As a recovering addict, I can learn several lessons from this fable.

I'll start with humility. The tortoise can rightly be credited with perseverance and cunning. But I suggest that these characteristics were secondary to his more important quality: humility. You see, the tortoise knew who he was. His self-image was right-sized in relation to his circumstances. He knew he was slower than the hare.

The importance of humility in recovery can't be overstated, but I often misunderstand it. It can be difficult to not see it as a weakness. What I'm learning, though, is that its strength is related to it being the opposite of pride and fear which keep me seeing myself either too highly or too lowly. Humility has me seeing past my pretenses - my poser. With it, I see myself right-sized in relation to my addiction, to those around me and to my higher power. For example, I'm powerless over my addiction and I need help. Admitting this isn't a weakness and is only a positive reflection of my character. When I’m right-sized without agenda or ulterior motives, I find refreshing hope and peace!

The tortoise's cunning came into play when he determined he could win the race by relying on the hare’s weakness - his arrogance. My weaknesses or character defects are obstacles in my recovery just as the hare’s were in his race. Pride, fear, laziness, resentment, shame, impatience and yes, not enjoying life (allowing life's annoyances to affect my overall outlook and mood) can lead me to states of mind where I begin looking for the familiar numbing or self-medication of my addiction. The ‘hares’ or forces in my life that work against me are also cunning. They rely on my weaknesses to thwart my recovery.

Finally, my perception of the nature of my higher power is of vital importance as I turn there for help to overcome my weaknesses. I hesitate and stumble when asking for or receiving help if I see that power as vengeful (watching for and punishing mistakes) or even as a kind-eyed grandpa watching and caring from his chair in the corner. I succeed when I see Him as He is: a powerful, active friend; wanting to help and to whom I am always enough.

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What next?

• Take a fresh look at humility. Does it still feel like weakness?

• Employ the power of humility to right-size yourself and to identify your weaknesses.

• Ask true friends for help - and find a way to include your higher power in that group.

By Ty, Writing Team