Do I really want Recovery?

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RECOVERY - I never knew this word could become such a regular part of my vocabulary. That was until my dive into my betrayal trauma and subsequent work on my marriage after my husband’s disclosure of continuing to act out in his addiction to lust and pornography 14 years into our marriage.

Yet as often as I use the word “recovery” I still question that it truly describes what I have experienced and ultimately what I am seeking. The most common definition of recovery that I have come across is “the act of regaining or returning toward a normal or healthy state” (Merriam Webster online dictionary). Regaining? Returning? These words seem dissonant to what I am seeking. I don’t want to return to the disconnectedness I felt in my relationship with my Savior Jesus Christ. I don’t want to return to the broken marriage I had with my husband. I don’t want to return to the blindness and fog I lived in.

I must acknowledge that my betrayal trauma and the impact it’s had on my life and personal experiences cannot be erased. They are forever part of my story and no amount of restoration, regaining or returning can change the pain, hurt, and shame I have experienced. Yet I know that without these experiences it would not be possible to be where I am now. I’ve gained empathy for others that I never had before, and I’ve learned how to better recognize and acknowledge my feelings and emotions. I'm learning how to choose self care and to express my needs.

What I have begun to learn, experience, and desire to gain is nothing compared to what I thought I knew before. My perspectives, my relationships, and in particular my marriage are new, sweeter and better. So “regaining” and “returning” seem an ill fit to describe where I am or desire to be.

To me, recovery is a choice. You get to choose your own definition, and that doesn’t have to be a “return” or “regaining” but a choice to pursue something new.

The following quote better describes my point: “Though no one can go back and make a brand-new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand-new ending.”

Even better stated is in Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”

So instead of choosing the act of returning or restoring, I’m choosing newness.

What next?

  • What does recovery mean to you? How can viewing it as choosing a new ending change your perspective?

  • Watch the lyric video “New Creation” by Mac Powell https://youtu.be/Z1Ygqog17vg

Nicole, Writing Team

God Amplifies Effort

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For a long time I would pray for things and then wait around and get frustrated that no answers seemed to come. It played in well with my own shame story of not being worthy of God’s love and the inaction led to a lot of anxiety and depression which led me to seek ways to numb and dull the pain and frustration. I’d try quick fix workouts, diets, setting goals, etc., but I kept coming back to feeling like a failure.

Recently, an analogy came to mind. I live in Arizona where it is about 78 degrees early in the morning and in the 90s and 100s by lunch time. My wife had some medical issues and is not able to exercise so I got her an electric scooter. At first, I’d try to ride behind her on my mountain bike, but it was too hard to keep up on hills and the heat and exertion would give me a pretty bad headache for the rest of the day. So then I bought an electric scooter for myself and have enjoyed the long rides we take, but am getting no exercise. Recently, I bought an e-bike without a throttle. I have to peddle, but the electric motor kicks in and amplifies my efforts. Now I’m able to keep my heart rate in the 130-140 range while covering significant distances and the hills require more effort, but not an extreme effort.

I have been thinking about this for a week or so. Using the analogy, God will never stop me from getting on the mountain bike and going straight up the hill. I can numb out by getting a fully electric bike and just zoom up the hill, but I don’t exert any effort and I get no respiratory or muscular benefit from it. But with an ebike, I can choose how much of the load to give to the motors and together we are able to cover a lot of ground.

As I look at my life over the past few years, I’ve taken the challenge to do more and be more and each new thing I’ve tried has been really hard at first. But as I call on God to help me, I’ve seen over time that He is able to greatly amplify my efforts and I’ve been able to accomplish things I thought were impossible on my own.

God is calling us all on an adventure. In my experience, He loves effort and steps in and takes my best efforts to heights I didn’t think possible.

What next?

Identify something you’ve wanted to accomplish and take it to God. If no answer comes immediately, get to work in the best way you know how. Maybe reach out to someone who is really good at what you want to do. Watch YouTube videos. Then get to work and put God to the test and see if He doesn’t amplify and accelerate your efforts.

By Pete, Writing Team

Relax and Take it Easy

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A morning mantra from the AA Big Book has a seemingly unusually simple tip to the hustle and bustle of life - relax and take it easy.

So much of my life has been chaotic and crazy, so when I first heard this advice I was a bit skeptical - to say the least. Found on page 86 and often used as a daily reading suggestion, the Big Book states:

“In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while.”

This is definitely a journey more than a destination for me. I have to be reminded of it regularly, but it works when I work it.

Elsewhere in the Big Book it discusses how the mind, when under the influence of an addiction, often attempts to control everything. The image of a stage is set. In my own experience I’m not only trying to be - or trying to control - the writer, director, actor, stage manager, etc., but also the audience, the critics, and every other attendee as well.

Surrendering has been one of my greatest obstacles. But it has also led to my greatest triumphs. When I am vulnerable and reach out to others and I’m honest with what is going on in my heart and mind, I am able to relax and take it easy.

Basically doing the opposite of everything else that didn’t work in my life. Instead of being self-centered, I look to serve others. Instead of being stressed out, I look to be at peace. Instead of doing everything on my own, I give it to God and reach out to others. Instead of fearing the future and trying to control everything in the present moment, I seek God for peace and petition to see others through His eyes.

The gauge of happiness in my life is how well I am able to relax and take it easy. When I’m letting go and letting God direct my life, the ocean may be pretty crazy, but I’m safe and protected and able to be present with those around me in our collective boat.

Now What?

  • Practice this step by reading the paragraph and/or page from the Big Book daily and put it into action. “God, I surrender my will to You today. I pray to see others as You see them, and to treat them as You direct me to treat them. Your will God, not mine be done.”

  • When feeling overwhelmed, take a few deep breaths with your eyes closed. Ask God how you can serve those around you. Take action with the first inspired thought that comes to mind, reach out to the first face or name that comes to you.

By Pete, Writing Team