Do I really want Recovery?
/RECOVERY - I never knew this word could become such a regular part of my vocabulary. That was until my dive into my betrayal trauma and subsequent work on my marriage after my husband’s disclosure of continuing to act out in his addiction to lust and pornography 14 years into our marriage.
Yet as often as I use the word “recovery” I still question that it truly describes what I have experienced and ultimately what I am seeking. The most common definition of recovery that I have come across is “the act of regaining or returning toward a normal or healthy state” (Merriam Webster online dictionary). Regaining? Returning? These words seem dissonant to what I am seeking. I don’t want to return to the disconnectedness I felt in my relationship with my Savior Jesus Christ. I don’t want to return to the broken marriage I had with my husband. I don’t want to return to the blindness and fog I lived in.
I must acknowledge that my betrayal trauma and the impact it’s had on my life and personal experiences cannot be erased. They are forever part of my story and no amount of restoration, regaining or returning can change the pain, hurt, and shame I have experienced. Yet I know that without these experiences it would not be possible to be where I am now. I’ve gained empathy for others that I never had before, and I’ve learned how to better recognize and acknowledge my feelings and emotions. I'm learning how to choose self care and to express my needs.
What I have begun to learn, experience, and desire to gain is nothing compared to what I thought I knew before. My perspectives, my relationships, and in particular my marriage are new, sweeter and better. So “regaining” and “returning” seem an ill fit to describe where I am or desire to be.
To me, recovery is a choice. You get to choose your own definition, and that doesn’t have to be a “return” or “regaining” but a choice to pursue something new.
The following quote better describes my point: “Though no one can go back and make a brand-new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand-new ending.”
Even better stated is in Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”
So instead of choosing the act of returning or restoring, I’m choosing newness.
What next?
What does recovery mean to you? How can viewing it as choosing a new ending change your perspective?
Watch the lyric video “New Creation” by Mac Powell https://youtu.be/Z1Ygqog17vg
Nicole, Writing Team