Lies about Brotherhood

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The most painful part of my story is a return to bondage after a delightful taste of freedom. Lies about brotherhood are largely to blame.

The darkness of a clouded desert night is gripping. The eyes of a lion’s wounded prey are full of desperate fear. A lost sailor feels a profound loneliness. That’s how the early decades of my life often felt as I struggled with pornography. I was held captive in a kind of hell by a series of lies.

The Lies

The great liar told me that I couldn’t reach out for help; that it wasn't safe outside of my hell. He told me God was ashamed of me and that I didn't have what it takes; that I'd fail and be a disappointment.

In earlier posts, others describe these lies. Nicole wrote, "The adversary wants us to isolate ourselves from others, to feel unique and unable to relate to others." 

Seth shared, "For too long I had listened to Satan’s voice in my head telling me the lie that if people knew the real me they wouldn’t like me and I’d be rejected."

The Truth

When I finally let God tell me the truth, it sounded like this, “I’ve got you! You’re enough, it’s safe outside your hell and the door is open.” Walking through the door required vulnerability and honesty, but God makes a way and what I found on the other side was light, truth, and Jesus in many forms including the open arms of brotherhood!

Soon after walking through that door, I arrived late to a 12-Step Recovery Meeting, looked around and recognized someone from my church congregation. The lies came back and I felt ashamed and wanted to run. But I stayed and when his turn came to share he looked at me and said something like, “...and I’m honored to be here tonight with a friend.” No judgment. Just love and acceptance.

Also in earlier posts, my fellow writers describe the truth. Pete wrote, "… I started to find guys who were willing to battle for my heart and I was willing to battle for theirs."

Chris shared, "Many [people] know my story and they still love me… Imagine that!" 

Nicole wrote, "I shared things I never thought I would share with a friend or at least if I did, our friendship would not have continued.  Yet, the complete opposite happened." 

Seth said it this way, "I got the courage to open up with another man at the camp and shared with him my struggles with addiction and self-worth. Instead of rejecting me and shaming me he accepted me."

The Liar Strikes Back

Not too long after I walked through the door, I was enjoying freedom like the escaped prey of a lion, like a rescued sailor, like the light of the sun after a long night. I was in Jesus’ arms and had a fantastic band of brothers. Then came the lies that cost me that freedom, “You can move along now. You’re done. You’re strong enough to go it alone.” Drunk on pride, I walked away. Alone again, I eventually started isolating and let even Jesus fade. Pornography and my hell slipped back into my life.

But God rescued me yet again. That same man from my church congregation reached out and invited me to Warrior Heart Boot Camp. Now I'm back with my fellow warriors - my new band of brothers! 

This time I recognize brotherhood as more than a temporary helping hand. It’s the part of my life that the lies were keeping me from. It’s the people Jesus manifests himself though. I won’t walk away again.

What’s next?

  • Read the "What's next" sections of the previous 5 posts and join us!

    "[We] need you as much as you need [us]." (Chris)

By Ty, Writing Team

Finding My Tribe

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I’ve been privileged to be part of many sisterhoods throughout my life. I have a great sister who’s just a year younger than me and no matter how long we go without seeing each other or how far apart we are, our bond is always strong. I’ve had dozens of roommates both in college and after in my early professional career. Their sisterhood has brought wonderful memories and experiences that I cherish. I have found sisterhood in my church through women that I have had the opportunity to serve with and to be served by. I cherish each one of these sisterhoods, HOWEVER, some of my greatest sisterhood blessings have come through vulnerability. 

I vividly recall reeling from the shock of my husband disclosing his ongoing battle with pornography and his lust addiction. He casually suggested I talk to a friend about this. Talk to a friend? Was he kidding? That had occurred to me multiple times over my 14 year marriage but the thought of sharing something so shameful with someone else had always stopped me.  

I’ve often struggled with the feeling that I didn't have close friends. No one would ever guess that about me, I’m talkative and outgoing, and generally an optimistic person. I’ve had lots of friends, but never someone I would tell the ugliest and shameful things to. Finding myself in such a low position opened me up to something I’ve never embraced before. You see, I wasn’t trying to hide behind a fake exterior, I just didn’t know how to be vulnerable.  

Barely a week later, a friend I was having lunch with began telling me about her son’s struggle with pornography. I don’t even recall how the conversation began, but it was clear to me that this was a moment of grace that provided me the strength to open my mouth and talk. If you met me now you would never know what a struggle it was for so many years to talk to anyone about the most shameful and painful thing I had endured.  A few weeks later, I found myself attending a support group meeting. It wasn’t my first time, but this time I felt an instant connection to all of the sisters there.

One sisterhood that has strengthened me, especially through these past several years, are two friends that I spend many early mornings walking with. We have walked through all weather conditions, and talked through all kinds of hurt, including divorce, loss of a sibling, loss of a parent, infidelity in our marriage, struggles raising children, being a single parent, dating again, 4 year olds, illness, pain, blessings, joys and miracles.  If you look at each of our life circumstances, you wouldn’t put the three of us together. We connected at first simply because we were looking for someone to walk with early in the morning.  Yet through that common interest we’ve formed a beautiful bond walking, talking, and supporting each other through different highs and lows in our lives. One of these friends gifted each of us a little necklace with a triangle which was called “Tribe” with this quote:  

“People come and go but once in a while you meet certain people you know are going to stay in your life forever.  The ones you could talk with for hours, but still enjoy comfortable silence. The ones you can laugh and cry with.  The ones that stick by your side, believe in you, and help you remember who you really are….these people are your tribe, love them fiercely.”

One of my most cherished sisterhood connections has been through the opportunity to apply the 12 steps working  through my betrayal trauma.  The love, support and encouragement I’ve received having a sponsor has, for me, been one of the greatest blessings of friendship I have ever experienced. I’ll never forget the first time my sponsor came to my house. As I listened to her share I found myself saying “me too” and opening up more and more.  I shared things I never thought I would share with a friend or at least if I did, our friendship would not have continued.  Yet, the complete opposite happened.  I was loved and strengthened and we grew closer. Through this sisterhood I have learned how to be vulnerable, share the good and bad and receive unconditional love and support.  I now seek to share this same love and acceptance when I have the opportunity to sponsor other sisters and sit with them in their dark times.  The sisterhoods I have developed through working on my recovery  are part of my tribe.  

I truly believe that the sisterhoods I've developed through extending myself in vulnerability has brought me closest to my Savior Jesus Christ because of the acceptance and love I have felt. The adversary wants us to isolate ourselves from others, to feel unique and unable to relate to others especially through our struggles.  I know that God never intended for us to experience the challenges of life alone.  We are reminded in Proverbs 17:17 “A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”  He desires that we connect with, support and love each other.  If we open ourselves to being vulnerable, He will bring people into your life that can become your “tribe.”  

What next?  

Identify those individuals in your life who are your greatest support. Thank them, and accept them as such.  Recognize that you may need more than one “tribe”, “band” or whatever you call your people.

Seek for and embrace opportunities to connect by finding things in common and doing things with others.  This may require stepping out of your comfort zone by extending an invitation.

Recognize that some people come into our lives for a season and others for a lifetime. Both are valuable.

By Nicole, Writing Team

The Band

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I am blessed to belong to a Band of Brothers…actually to more than one.  But what exactly is this Band?  What does it look like?  What does it feel like to be a part of one?  It’s certainly not a marching band, because I don’t play an instrument.  It’s not a rock band, because I do not sing well at all, although I love to.  I sing in church, but try to keep the volume down.  But in the car, when “Grace Got You” is playing, I’m singing at the top of my lungs!  Anyway…a Band of Brothers is much more like a wedding band.  

There is no beginning and there is no end.  One part of that band is no more important than any other part.  It’s strong.  It’s continuous.  And above all it’s beautiful!  

My Band of Brothers are the many men I’ve met in recovery groups and 12 step meetings.  We have shared stories and phone numbers.  Another Band are the Brothers in Christ I attend church with each week.  I know they have my back, and I have theirs.  Many of them know my story and they still love me… Imagine that!  Another Band, which is so beautiful and strong, is the Band of Brothers from the Warrior Heart Boot Camps I’ve attended.  Wonderfully imperfect men, searching for that larger story God has for them.  Willing men.  Loving men.  And I have a Band…a Bond…with the other men who are alumni of the rehab center I spent ninety days at in St. George, Utah.  We speak the same recovery language and have had many shared experiences.  We have a Zoom meeting every Wednesday, as well as alumni retreats, and there is incredible support and love and a shared understanding in that group as well.

Here is what I know…recovery cannot and will not happen in a vacuum.  Recovery does not happen alone, but only in company with other people.  Recovery…genuine, continuing recovery…requires the support of others and requires the hard work of listening, sharing, loving and supporting.  As I share my story and my struggles and my successes and, yes, my joy with others, I experience grace and power to continue to move forward.  And as I am open to actively listening, learning, loving and supporting others on this path, I am equally blessed.  Maybe more  so.  I learn to allow others the opportunity to serve and bless my life as I serve and bless theirs. There is true joy in this process as I feel their love and grace and as I give love and grace freely to them.

I’ve learned that there is power in my story, and there is power in yours.  We each have a story, and the power only manifests itself when it is shared.  There will be times in your recovery journey when you’ll feel the prompting to share your story with someone else.  Sometimes that can be scary, but as we do some of that we let go of the shame and regret and begin to understand that our recovery is all about going forward, not backward.

It’s been said over and over that the opposite of addiction is connection…and that is absolutely true.  Let go of the fear.  Let go of the shame. Go out and find your Band of Brothers.  You are a powerful creator, and with the Father’s help, you will find those men.  They are all around you and they are just waiting to listen, love, and support you…in all your messiness.  In all your successes.  In all your difficulties.  In all your new found joy.  They will be there for you!  It just takes some effort, some honesty, some willingness, and some prayer.  But you will always find what you are looking for.  Get busy looking for connection and you’ll find it.  And you’ll experience blessings never imagined!

What now?  

  • Be open to connection.  Look for the opportunity, and pray for the opportunity.  Our Father created us for community and if we ask Him and also work at it, He will bless us with community.  He has put so many incredible people in my recovery path, and He will do the same for you.  But…you must ask Him, and you must get out of your house and give Him the chance to do that for you.  

  • Be at church.  Shake hands.  Introduce yourself to fellow worshipers you may not know.

  • Surprise someone with a hug.  

  • Attend 12 step meetings and be open and honest there.  Stay afterwards and meet someone with whom you can share your story.  

  • Attend Warrior Heart Boot Camp and when you’re there talk, share, and listen to the other men.  Guess what?  They need you as much as you need them.

By Chris Epson