Finding My Tribe
/I’ve been privileged to be part of many sisterhoods throughout my life. I have a great sister who’s just a year younger than me and no matter how long we go without seeing each other or how far apart we are, our bond is always strong. I’ve had dozens of roommates both in college and after in my early professional career. Their sisterhood has brought wonderful memories and experiences that I cherish. I have found sisterhood in my church through women that I have had the opportunity to serve with and to be served by. I cherish each one of these sisterhoods, HOWEVER, some of my greatest sisterhood blessings have come through vulnerability.
I vividly recall reeling from the shock of my husband disclosing his ongoing battle with pornography and his lust addiction. He casually suggested I talk to a friend about this. Talk to a friend? Was he kidding? That had occurred to me multiple times over my 14 year marriage but the thought of sharing something so shameful with someone else had always stopped me.
I’ve often struggled with the feeling that I didn't have close friends. No one would ever guess that about me, I’m talkative and outgoing, and generally an optimistic person. I’ve had lots of friends, but never someone I would tell the ugliest and shameful things to. Finding myself in such a low position opened me up to something I’ve never embraced before. You see, I wasn’t trying to hide behind a fake exterior, I just didn’t know how to be vulnerable.
Barely a week later, a friend I was having lunch with began telling me about her son’s struggle with pornography. I don’t even recall how the conversation began, but it was clear to me that this was a moment of grace that provided me the strength to open my mouth and talk. If you met me now you would never know what a struggle it was for so many years to talk to anyone about the most shameful and painful thing I had endured. A few weeks later, I found myself attending a support group meeting. It wasn’t my first time, but this time I felt an instant connection to all of the sisters there.
One sisterhood that has strengthened me, especially through these past several years, are two friends that I spend many early mornings walking with. We have walked through all weather conditions, and talked through all kinds of hurt, including divorce, loss of a sibling, loss of a parent, infidelity in our marriage, struggles raising children, being a single parent, dating again, 4 year olds, illness, pain, blessings, joys and miracles. If you look at each of our life circumstances, you wouldn’t put the three of us together. We connected at first simply because we were looking for someone to walk with early in the morning. Yet through that common interest we’ve formed a beautiful bond walking, talking, and supporting each other through different highs and lows in our lives. One of these friends gifted each of us a little necklace with a triangle which was called “Tribe” with this quote:
“People come and go but once in a while you meet certain people you know are going to stay in your life forever. The ones you could talk with for hours, but still enjoy comfortable silence. The ones you can laugh and cry with. The ones that stick by your side, believe in you, and help you remember who you really are….these people are your tribe, love them fiercely.”
One of my most cherished sisterhood connections has been through the opportunity to apply the 12 steps working through my betrayal trauma. The love, support and encouragement I’ve received having a sponsor has, for me, been one of the greatest blessings of friendship I have ever experienced. I’ll never forget the first time my sponsor came to my house. As I listened to her share I found myself saying “me too” and opening up more and more. I shared things I never thought I would share with a friend or at least if I did, our friendship would not have continued. Yet, the complete opposite happened. I was loved and strengthened and we grew closer. Through this sisterhood I have learned how to be vulnerable, share the good and bad and receive unconditional love and support. I now seek to share this same love and acceptance when I have the opportunity to sponsor other sisters and sit with them in their dark times. The sisterhoods I have developed through working on my recovery are part of my tribe.
I truly believe that the sisterhoods I've developed through extending myself in vulnerability has brought me closest to my Savior Jesus Christ because of the acceptance and love I have felt. The adversary wants us to isolate ourselves from others, to feel unique and unable to relate to others especially through our struggles. I know that God never intended for us to experience the challenges of life alone. We are reminded in Proverbs 17:17 “A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” He desires that we connect with, support and love each other. If we open ourselves to being vulnerable, He will bring people into your life that can become your “tribe.”
What next?
Identify those individuals in your life who are your greatest support. Thank them, and accept them as such. Recognize that you may need more than one “tribe”, “band” or whatever you call your people.
Seek for and embrace opportunities to connect by finding things in common and doing things with others. This may require stepping out of your comfort zone by extending an invitation.
Recognize that some people come into our lives for a season and others for a lifetime. Both are valuable.
By Nicole, Writing Team