The Band

/

I am blessed to belong to a Band of Brothers…actually to more than one.  But what exactly is this Band?  What does it look like?  What does it feel like to be a part of one?  It’s certainly not a marching band, because I don’t play an instrument.  It’s not a rock band, because I do not sing well at all, although I love to.  I sing in church, but try to keep the volume down.  But in the car, when “Grace Got You” is playing, I’m singing at the top of my lungs!  Anyway…a Band of Brothers is much more like a wedding band.  

There is no beginning and there is no end.  One part of that band is no more important than any other part.  It’s strong.  It’s continuous.  And above all it’s beautiful!  

My Band of Brothers are the many men I’ve met in recovery groups and 12 step meetings.  We have shared stories and phone numbers.  Another Band are the Brothers in Christ I attend church with each week.  I know they have my back, and I have theirs.  Many of them know my story and they still love me… Imagine that!  Another Band, which is so beautiful and strong, is the Band of Brothers from the Warrior Heart Boot Camps I’ve attended.  Wonderfully imperfect men, searching for that larger story God has for them.  Willing men.  Loving men.  And I have a Band…a Bond…with the other men who are alumni of the rehab center I spent ninety days at in St. George, Utah.  We speak the same recovery language and have had many shared experiences.  We have a Zoom meeting every Wednesday, as well as alumni retreats, and there is incredible support and love and a shared understanding in that group as well.

Here is what I know…recovery cannot and will not happen in a vacuum.  Recovery does not happen alone, but only in company with other people.  Recovery…genuine, continuing recovery…requires the support of others and requires the hard work of listening, sharing, loving and supporting.  As I share my story and my struggles and my successes and, yes, my joy with others, I experience grace and power to continue to move forward.  And as I am open to actively listening, learning, loving and supporting others on this path, I am equally blessed.  Maybe more  so.  I learn to allow others the opportunity to serve and bless my life as I serve and bless theirs. There is true joy in this process as I feel their love and grace and as I give love and grace freely to them.

I’ve learned that there is power in my story, and there is power in yours.  We each have a story, and the power only manifests itself when it is shared.  There will be times in your recovery journey when you’ll feel the prompting to share your story with someone else.  Sometimes that can be scary, but as we do some of that we let go of the shame and regret and begin to understand that our recovery is all about going forward, not backward.

It’s been said over and over that the opposite of addiction is connection…and that is absolutely true.  Let go of the fear.  Let go of the shame. Go out and find your Band of Brothers.  You are a powerful creator, and with the Father’s help, you will find those men.  They are all around you and they are just waiting to listen, love, and support you…in all your messiness.  In all your successes.  In all your difficulties.  In all your new found joy.  They will be there for you!  It just takes some effort, some honesty, some willingness, and some prayer.  But you will always find what you are looking for.  Get busy looking for connection and you’ll find it.  And you’ll experience blessings never imagined!

What now?  

  • Be open to connection.  Look for the opportunity, and pray for the opportunity.  Our Father created us for community and if we ask Him and also work at it, He will bless us with community.  He has put so many incredible people in my recovery path, and He will do the same for you.  But…you must ask Him, and you must get out of your house and give Him the chance to do that for you.  

  • Be at church.  Shake hands.  Introduce yourself to fellow worshipers you may not know.

  • Surprise someone with a hug.  

  • Attend 12 step meetings and be open and honest there.  Stay afterwards and meet someone with whom you can share your story.  

  • Attend Warrior Heart Boot Camp and when you’re there talk, share, and listen to the other men.  Guess what?  They need you as much as you need them.

By Chris Epson

How to get the Band Together – Establishing Your Own Band of Brothers

/

I just got back from a Warrior Heart Bootcamp in Williams, Arizona where I experienced again an almost instant connection with 100 men. I probably knew about two dozen of them prior to the event but was able to get to know a lot more in rapid succession. 

I’m from New Jersey where the common phrase of “how-you--doin’” is a regular question to which I often replied “I’m fine.” Outside of my LDS friends, the follow-up question was often “what the ‘F’ does that mean?!?” Matthew West’s song “Truth be Told” was written in part because he found out people who said they were “fine” on Sunday were actually going through a personal hell the rest of the week. 

I’ve learned that these two questions have a lot more sincerity and meaning:

  1. When meeting someone for the first time, ask “what makes your heart come alive?”

  2. For someone I know well, “how is your heart today?”

Establishing a BoB (Band of Brothers) like everything else in life is an iterative process in my experience. It starts with one person and then expands with time, with some people dropping out and other new people joining in. 

I have well over 100 contacts on my phone from people I’ve met in 12-Step meetings, former sponsors and sponsees, and others over 15 years. Some won’t reply when I reach out but I keep them in there as I never know when I might be inspired to reach back again and they may be ready to re-engage. 

What Now?

  • Begin by praying for people in your life. 

  • Invite someone to lunch. 

  • Depending on how much time you have, send a text when someone comes to mind immediately or call them if you have more time.

  • Reach out regularly as you feel inspired.  

“Relax and take it easy” … ​​you will be surprised how the right answers come after doing this for a while (AA Big Book page 86-87).

By Pete, Writing Team

My Band of Brothers (And Sisters)

/

I have tried for over a decade to recover on my own. Only in the past two years have I started to daily incorporate working with others and it has made all the difference. 

At a training a few years back with leaders in a local church I was sharing this concept and the main leader asked me: “I have a guy who is desperate to find sobriety. But he doesn’t want to attend meetings and is too timid to reach out, what else can I offer him?” 

I don’t think he liked my answer, “Wait until the pain of the solution is less than the pain of the problem.” Old timers in AA have shared that they often had a $5 or $10 bill with them in their pocket for the guy at meetings who was still seeking rock bottom. Give them the money and send them back to the bar for another dose of what doesn’t work longer term. While certainly I don’t like to see people suffer in silence, I have yet to figure out how to help them move into the light before they are ready. So I surrender that and stand by for when they are ready, provide love and support as I can but resist the temptation to become codependent or try to do it for them. 

I have spent the past many years trying to understand why the concept of reaching out is so hard to practice for many and why it is so successful when it is implemented. The best I can figure is that acting out in addiction is self-medicating and selfish by nature with a large blanket of supposed secrecy. And reaching out and being truthful and vulnerable is the complete opposite of those selfish and secretive actions. 

When deep in my addiction I recall well my association with two scriptures, the first is in Revelations, 6:16 (NLT): “And they cried to the mountains and the rocks, ‘Fall on us and hide us from the face of the one who sits on the throne and from the wrath of the Lamb’.”

The second is Luke 12:3 (NLT): “Whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have whispered behind closed doors will be shouted from the housetops for all to hear!”

I never wanted my deepest secrets to be known and I’d rather a mountain fall on me than to have my past known by all!!! I’d spent so much energy trying to bury and hide my mistakes there was no way I was willing to be open and honest because it hurt too much. 

Recovery is the polar opposite of both of these scriptures – especially when I work with others who share with me their story of the worst days of their lives without shame. Often I’ve seen that they are showing me their scars, that the pain and the rawness of something so intimate, personal, embarrassing, and full of shame is now talked about with ease and shared in praising God for His goodness, mercy, Love, and healing. 

When I worked with my first sponsor in 2015, I had six weeks off of work and was at home all day, every day, driving my wife nuts. I shared this with my sponsor at that time and how hurt I was that my wife didn’t want to spend all day every day with me. He laughed and asked how many guy friends I had. I said, “my dad, a few guys at work.” He said, “No, if you were in jail in Mexico, who would you call?” I had no one. 

He assigned me this homework: Find about a dozen guys, half working on recovery , the other half just guys you can hang out with. Be patient, take your time.

It was very scary. I had a lot of false starts. I had a lot of rejection. But eventually I started to find guys who were willing to battle for my heart and I was willing to battle for theirs. At first, I would only reach out in dire situations, usually AFTER acting out. Then I sometimes was better at reaching out in the moment of being tempted. Now I’ve found that proactively reaching out on good days and bad days puts my heart right, puts God at my center, and heals my abandonment, codependency, and other wounds before they have time to fester.

What Now? 

  • Spend time connecting with God. Ask Him who one person is that you can reach out to today. First name or picture or whatever remembrance that pops into your head, reach out to them via text and schedule a call or lunch. 

  • Don’t vomit your story all over them at the first meeting. Take time to build trust. Be open and honest about where your heart is. Don’t ask “how are you doing?” Ask “how is your heart today?” Dig deeper and be honest.

  • Be patient. Only recently did God remind me that a relationship I have now took years to develop. But man I’m glad I spent the time and energy to develop it! 

  • One way to fast track getting a band of brothers is to attend a weekend bootcamp. It is a big investment but the payout is far greater than the expense and time invested. AWarriorBootcamp.com has several and there are many other faith-based men’s and women’s retreats where you can quickly assemble your tribe.

By Pete, Writing Team