Brotherhood

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I was first introduced to the concept of brotherhood about four years ago when I was at the lowest point of my life. I had recently broken the trust and heart of my wife again as I disclosed to her my continued struggle with an addiction to lust that was still going strong 14 years into our marriage. Going into this disclosure I knew I needed to make significant changes in many areas of my life. I didn’t realize it at the time but one of the most significant changes I would make was learning to become vulnerable and connect with other men. 

Growing up I had a lot of feelings of inadequacy and I told myself if people were going to like me, then I couldn’t let them see my weaknesses. I also had some wounding experiences in which I chose to close off my emotions, to protect myself and to keep people at a distance so they could never hurt me. This also kept people from knowing the real me. 

I’ve always had very few close friends and have struggled with connecting with other men. For years my wife would ask me why I didn’t have any guy friends I could do things with. I would always respond by telling her she was my best friend and why wouldn't I want to spend all my time hanging out with her. The truth was I was incredibly lonely inside, depressed, anxious, and disconnected.

After my disclosure I started working on my recovery again. As I met with my therapist and attended 12-step meetings I started hearing about the importance of vulnerability. This concept scared me because I knew that being vulnerable would mean I could no longer hide my weaknesses and imperfections. For too long I had listened to Satan’s voice in my head telling me the lie that if people knew the real me they wouldn’t like me and I’d be rejected. 

Things started to change for me when I went to my first bootcamp (Warrior Heart (awarriorheart.com)). There I met men who were comfortable with who they were and were willing to open up and share their pain and losses without fear or apology. Their vulnerability was inspiring and I knew this was something I wanted in my life. I got the courage to open up with another man at the camp and shared with him my struggles with addiction and self-worth. Instead of rejecting me and shaming me he accepted me and shared with me about the very difficult challenges he has dealt with in his life. Although this was a scary experience, something about it felt real and authentic. 

I left bootcamp with the desire to continue to connect with other men more than ever. I still had a lot of fear though because I was back in the real world, far away from the safety that bootcamp provided me. I remembered my experience from camp and how it took me being vulnerable in order to connect with someone else so I decided I would try this with the men in my 12-step meetings. Normally when a meeting finished I would make a b-line for the exit. But now I was staying after the meetings and talking with the other men. Oftentimes we weren’t even talking about our addictions but rather about our desires to improve our relationships with our wives and children. I would exchange phone numbers with the men from my recovery meetings so we could stay connected outside the meeting as well. This led to invitations to go to lunch with someone I wanted to get to know better or reaching out to thank someone for something they said or did. 

For me one of the ultimate forms of vulnerability that has brought me brotherhood is reaching out and asking for help. Just last week I texted a contractor friend of mine asking for help patching some drywall at my home. My friend quickly responded to my text and said he’d be right over. During the 20 minutes I waited for him I started to feel ashamed that as a 44-year old man I didn’t know how to patch drywall. The truth is this is one of my father-wounds, as I was never taught how to do any sort of house repairs growing up. My friend arrived with necessary tools and drywall mud. He spent the next hour fathering me on how to make the necessary repairs to the drywall. He was very patient and couldn’t have cared less that I needed his help. Through being vulnerable and reaching out I received much needed confidence in myself and I was able to make the necessary drywall repairs. 

I’ve been able to return to bootcamp multiple times since my first experience and have been able to connect with several men there. Even though I live in Idaho I am also blessed to experience brotherhood with the men I’ve met there who live in different parts of the country like Maryland, Arizona, Texas, and Utah. We’ve been able to maintain our connection through text messaging, phone calls, or Marco Polo. These are connections that have no limits based on physical distance. I know I can reach out to any of these men when I’m struggling and they will talk with me and just listen if needed.

As I became more vulnerable and started connecting with other men, I noticed Christ started helping me to tear down the walls I had built up over the years to protect myself from being hurt. By removing these walls Christ allowed me to feel the love I had been shutting out for so long and didn’t even realize it.

What now?

  • If you find yourself struggling to connect with others perhaps start small. Are there 1 or 2 relationships in your life where you can practice being more vulnerable?

By Seth, Writing Team

Relax

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Recently, at a Sexual Addiction Lifeline (SAL) meeting, I received a token and a hug to celebrate my sobriety. When asked how I accomplished it, I shared this motto:

"Relax into Jesus. He'll make you better, but you'll always be enough."

Specifically, I shared how relaxing into Jesus has been one of the keys to my sobriety. But the other parts of that motto have been equally impactful.

The phrase "Relax into Jesus" speaks of concepts like faith and surrender. I don't always feel God’s presence, so at times, letting go and surrendering to him feels like a trust fall, but he never fails to catch me. 

The word "Relax" feels appropriate, as Jesus has promised that his yoke is easy and his burden light (Matthew 11:28-30). Recently, I was hurt by someone close to me. It was difficult, but I handed the pain and anger to Jesus in a mental and verbal effort. I had to do it repeatedly, but eventually walked away free of the pain and anger.

The phrase "He'll make you better" speaks to progress and improvement. God's transformative power is a central aspect of my recovery. This is the hard part though. C.S. Lewis compared it to a house being remodeled: It's not surprising when the drains are set right, and the leaks in the roof are stopped. But at times, the house gets knocked about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. God is building quite a different house from the one I envision. It's tough sometimes - really tough. But the more I relax into it, the better it goes.

Finally, the phrase "You'll always be enough" is a reminder of God's unconditional love. This has been a challenging but crucial realization for me, as I have struggled with the fear that God might be disappointed in me. 

You see, I've done some bad things. I've hurt people and taken advantage of others in some of their worst moments. I've raised my voice and fists to God with hot tears of anger and frustration on my cheeks. I've certainly imagined that He was upset with me. But I've never felt it. Never. His love for me is baffling in its depth and unwaveringly unconditional.

What now? 

  • Relax! Not into destructive behavior, but into your higher power. Embrace the truth that your higher power is bigger than the storm you’re in. 

  • Be changed. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it’s not me that changes. It’s my higher power that changes me. You can feel it as a pull, a good desire, a positive emotion, a little hope, a little strength. Accept it and have fun acting on it.

  • Know you’re enough. Your higher power is not disappointed in you. And he’s not way off somewhere. He stands as close as you'll allow, arms open with sympathy and love in his eyes, roaring like a lion against your enemy.

By Ty, Writing Team

Grace

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I’ve always loved the word Grace but struggled to see how it applied to my life specifically. 

One day I was listening to an interview of an author who was talking about a book she wrote on the topic of Grace.  She started by stating that it’s easy to misunderstand Grace.  She then described Grace this way:  “It's when you experience the Lord coming into your life, and you think to yourself, ‘Okay, this is strength beyond my own. This is increasing my capacity. This is taking what I knew previously of love, and magnifying it, or peace and magnifying it, or hope and magnifying it.’  That is what grace does. And as we learn to start watching for what that feels like in our lives, and we can put our finger on it, then we realize this is Jesus Christ …...making me more, making me enough. He's making me the best me in this situation, then that's grace.”

She went on to describe specific instances in her life when the Grace of our Savior Jesus Christ had enabled her.  As she described her own Grace moments, my own personal experiences miraculously popped into my head - like learning a foreign language on my mission when I had suffered miserably through my foreign language classes in high school - or knowing quickly my spouse was whom I should marry.  

I also recalled losing our first child and being told we may never bear our own children, yet then the miracle of making it to my third trimester of pregnancy with our second child despite having to spend the last several weeks on bed rest. I was endowed with grace when I was able to deliver a healthy baby girl at 39 weeks.

I also thought about my five-month-old son’s hospitalization and subsequent exploratory surgery. And when my husband shared with me his ongoing struggle with an addiction, that I thought he had overcome.  In those moments I had been undeniably blessed with peace.  

I recall the clarity of taking the next right steps that I know were enabled through the Grace of my Savior.  As I listened to that interview I felt like I finally knew the word that so completely described what I had struggled to describe in the past.  I had referred to it as “being carried” but in fact it was my Savior’s GRACE enabling me. 

Psalms 18:36 reads “Thou hast enlarged my steps under me, that my feet did not slip.”

By recognizing Grace as strength beyond my own and having my steps enlarged I now see that I have continually been blessed by Grace.  Jesus has been nearby all along and I am beginning to see better the power of my Savior's Grace in my life everyday. 

What next?  
Perhaps you too can identify your own Grace moments by reflecting on the question, “When have I felt enabled beyond my own capacity?” 

By Nicole, Writing Team