Hugging the Cactus

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In his acceptance speech for a cinematic award, actor Robert Downey Jr. thanked his friend Mel Gibson, for saving him after a lot of public attention about Downry’s drug and alcohol addictions by taking him in when no one else would, feeding him and employing him, setting him on the path to recovery from addiction. 

“… he (Gibson) said that if I accepted responsibility for my wrongdoings and if I embrace that part of my soul that was ugly - hugging the cactus as he called it - because he said that if I hug the cactus long enough, I'd become a man of some humility, and that my life would take on a new meaning. And I did and it worked.”

Downey then invited Hollywood to forgive Gibson for his very public failures, adding that the Industry is the wrong place to be casting stones and thinking someone is without sins. 

In twelve step work we write down the exact nature of our wrongs and confess them to a Higher Power - God as we understand Him - and later, with guidance from a sponsor who has done it before - make amends where possible. 

In the final part of that reconciliation, we seek to forgive ourselves. We hug the cactus. 

I’ve been through the steps multiple times with several awesome sponsors and yet I find I still wince as I hug the cactus. 

Am I really lovable with all of my flaws? Am I really worthy of God’s infinite love? Intellectually and spiritually I believe it to be true. But deep down, emotionally I catch myself hanging on to the mold of self-doubt, keeping it buried deep in the dark where it can grow and remain seemingly undetected. 

How do we know if we are refusing the cactus? 

  1. We can’t take compliments. Quick to praise others and to go out of the way to give others the spotlight. We wilt when it is shined on us. 

  2. We’re quick to get annoyed with another for a personality defect. Usually because it is shining light on our own defects. 

  3. We feel a bit “off” all the time, even after intense spiritual experiences. 

  4. We’re jealous of other’s accomplishments. 

Matthew 7:3, New King James Version: “And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?”

Self kindness is one of my largest struggles. It is also denying the grace of Christ who already purchased my sins. I still grab onto some of them, refusing to really give them to Him. Perhaps giving them to Him at times but then sneaking them back. 

What now? It’s time to let go and let God. Give away the cancer within. A therapist, clergy, friend, or sponsor or all the above help guide us to let God in and cleanse us, removing all the spines so when we hug the cactus it does us no harm.

By Pete, Writing Team

Making of a Brave Man

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What makes a brave man? Am I brave? Are you Brave? Who decides if a man is brave or not? I ask this question because I recently rewatched the movie “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty”. This movie is really impactful to me. It speaks to me. It tells us that we have to be present always. If we are not, “Life” will pass us by. 

Does being present make us brave? I believe it does. When we are present, we live life fully. We don’t wish our lives away. We grab life and tell it what we are going to do at that very moment. But there is more to being present than just being physically present.

In the movie, “Walter” spaces out quite a bit before he embarks on an adventure of trying to find a single person in the entire world. Talk about finding a needle in a haystack. I believe that “Walter” has to take a step at a time to find his bravery. It is a lot like what Heavenly Father talks to us about in the scriptures. We will learn the truth about Him precept upon precept. Isaiah 28:9-10 talks about this.

“Whom shall he teach knowledge? and whom shall he make to understand doctrine? them that are weaned from the milk, and drawn from the breasts. For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little:”   — ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭28:9-10‬ ‭KJV‬‬

What does that mean? I believe it means that every time we take a step toward Heavenly Father in Faith (Trust that He wants the best for us) He gives us another step and then another toward learning His true identity. When we learn His true identity, we learn our true identity.

“Walter” found his true identity when he continued to take leaps of faith and continued to take steps towards it. He had to jump into a helicopter that was lifting off the ground. Then, he had to jump into the ocean and fight off a shark. The list goes on and on. It speaks directly to the curiosity and courageous parts of our subconscious that craves adventure with God. We want to matter. 

We find meaning in life when we do what God created us to do. That requires us to be present, and take little leaps (sometimes outrageously gigantic leaps) with God. He will not leave us alone. He wants to be on this adventure with us. He craves that connection. So, will we heed the call and allow our Heavenly Dad to make us brave?

What now? Be present. Pray to God to ask to see others as He sees them. Think of some big audacious goal you’ve been putting off and commit now to start on it this week! 

By CT, Writing Team

Learning to be my authentic self

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Growing up I made agreements with myself that I was inadequate and unworthy of love. One of the biggest agreements I made, and didn’t realize until I was 42 years old, was that I was defective because I was quiet in social situations and felt really anxious about not knowing what to say to other people. In these situations I preferred to stay in the background and observe every little detail around me. 

Throughout my life I’ve had a few close friendships. During my teenage school years I distinctly remember noticing how the kids with really fun and outgoing personalities were always well liked by everyone at school and church, including by adults. The message I told myself was that if I was outgoing and talkative then people would like me and I would have lots of friends. Later in high school I was labeled a snob because I was quiet. Again this reinforced the message that being quiet was a bad thing. 

Soon after getting married, my wife told me how some of her friends had asked her why I never talked much when they first met me. The narrative was again reinforced that clearly being quiet was bad if my wife’s friends were questioning her about it. 

This agreement has even crept into my career. Anytime I’ve been passed over for promotions or job opportunities the narrative that  played in my head said it was because I was not outgoing and talkative enough.  

I’ve tried many times over the years to fit in and be more outgoing like “normal” people but it has never worked for me. All I ever received was a ton of anxiety as I tried to be anything but quiet which made me even more quiet and reinforced my agreement that I was clearly defective because I was unable to change. 

About 2 years ago, my wife and I were in the middle of a meeting with our therapist when he mentioned something about me being introverted. As soon as he said it my throat tightened up and my palms got really sweaty. He could tell this made me feel really uncomfortable and he said, “I don’t know why you can’t own being introverted.” 

He then shared the following quote by Patricia T. Holland, Author and Speaker, that has been very impactful to me:


“God needs us as we are, as we are growing to become. He has intentionally made us different from one another so that even with our imperfections we can fulfill his purposes. My greatest misery comes when I feel I have to fit what others are doing, or what I think others expect of me. I am most happy when I am comfortable being me and trying to do what God and I expect me to be.

I have learned through several fatiguing failures that you can’t have joy in being bubbly if you are not a bubbly person. It is a contradiction in terms. I have given up seeing myself as a flawed person because my energy level is lower than someone else’s, and I don’t talk as much as they do, nor as fast. Giving this up has freed me to embrace and rejoice in my own manner and personality in the measure of my creation.

…Somewhere, somehow the Lord blipped the message onto my screen that my personality was created to fit precisely the mission and talents he gave me… Miraculously, I have found that I have untold abundant sources of energy to be myself. But the moment I indulge in imitation of my neighbor, I feel fractured and fatigued and find myself forever swimming upstream. When we frustrate God’s plan for us, we deprive this world and God’s kingdom of our unique contributions and a serious schism settles in our soul. God never gave us any task beyond our ability to accomplish it. We just have to be willing to do it our own way. We will always have enough resources for being who we are and what we can become…”


That day in our therapist’s office changed me and was the catalyst for breaking this agreement I’ve had my entire life. Nobody had ever given me permission to own being introverted and I started to see that maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing after all. For the first time in my life, I started to feel that maybe I really wasn’t defective and that I’m okay being me.

What now?  What truths about yourself have you rejected because you perceived them in the wrong light?  Write them down and ponder “How can I more lovingly accept myself as I am?”

By Seth, Writing Team