Hugging the Cactus
/In his acceptance speech for a cinematic award, actor Robert Downey Jr. thanked his friend Mel Gibson, for saving him after a lot of public attention about Downry’s drug and alcohol addictions by taking him in when no one else would, feeding him and employing him, setting him on the path to recovery from addiction.
“… he (Gibson) said that if I accepted responsibility for my wrongdoings and if I embrace that part of my soul that was ugly - hugging the cactus as he called it - because he said that if I hug the cactus long enough, I'd become a man of some humility, and that my life would take on a new meaning. And I did and it worked.”
Downey then invited Hollywood to forgive Gibson for his very public failures, adding that the Industry is the wrong place to be casting stones and thinking someone is without sins.
In twelve step work we write down the exact nature of our wrongs and confess them to a Higher Power - God as we understand Him - and later, with guidance from a sponsor who has done it before - make amends where possible.
In the final part of that reconciliation, we seek to forgive ourselves. We hug the cactus.
I’ve been through the steps multiple times with several awesome sponsors and yet I find I still wince as I hug the cactus.
Am I really lovable with all of my flaws? Am I really worthy of God’s infinite love? Intellectually and spiritually I believe it to be true. But deep down, emotionally I catch myself hanging on to the mold of self-doubt, keeping it buried deep in the dark where it can grow and remain seemingly undetected.
How do we know if we are refusing the cactus?
We can’t take compliments. Quick to praise others and to go out of the way to give others the spotlight. We wilt when it is shined on us.
We’re quick to get annoyed with another for a personality defect. Usually because it is shining light on our own defects.
We feel a bit “off” all the time, even after intense spiritual experiences.
We’re jealous of other’s accomplishments.
Matthew 7:3, New King James Version: “And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?”
Self kindness is one of my largest struggles. It is also denying the grace of Christ who already purchased my sins. I still grab onto some of them, refusing to really give them to Him. Perhaps giving them to Him at times but then sneaking them back.
What now? It’s time to let go and let God. Give away the cancer within. A therapist, clergy, friend, or sponsor or all the above help guide us to let God in and cleanse us, removing all the spines so when we hug the cactus it does us no harm.
By Pete, Writing Team