Learning to be my authentic self
/Growing up I made agreements with myself that I was inadequate and unworthy of love. One of the biggest agreements I made, and didn’t realize until I was 42 years old, was that I was defective because I was quiet in social situations and felt really anxious about not knowing what to say to other people. In these situations I preferred to stay in the background and observe every little detail around me.
Throughout my life I’ve had a few close friendships. During my teenage school years I distinctly remember noticing how the kids with really fun and outgoing personalities were always well liked by everyone at school and church, including by adults. The message I told myself was that if I was outgoing and talkative then people would like me and I would have lots of friends. Later in high school I was labeled a snob because I was quiet. Again this reinforced the message that being quiet was a bad thing.
Soon after getting married, my wife told me how some of her friends had asked her why I never talked much when they first met me. The narrative was again reinforced that clearly being quiet was bad if my wife’s friends were questioning her about it.
This agreement has even crept into my career. Anytime I’ve been passed over for promotions or job opportunities the narrative that played in my head said it was because I was not outgoing and talkative enough.
I’ve tried many times over the years to fit in and be more outgoing like “normal” people but it has never worked for me. All I ever received was a ton of anxiety as I tried to be anything but quiet which made me even more quiet and reinforced my agreement that I was clearly defective because I was unable to change.
About 2 years ago, my wife and I were in the middle of a meeting with our therapist when he mentioned something about me being introverted. As soon as he said it my throat tightened up and my palms got really sweaty. He could tell this made me feel really uncomfortable and he said, “I don’t know why you can’t own being introverted.”
He then shared the following quote by Patricia T. Holland, Author and Speaker, that has been very impactful to me:
“God needs us as we are, as we are growing to become. He has intentionally made us different from one another so that even with our imperfections we can fulfill his purposes. My greatest misery comes when I feel I have to fit what others are doing, or what I think others expect of me. I am most happy when I am comfortable being me and trying to do what God and I expect me to be.
I have learned through several fatiguing failures that you can’t have joy in being bubbly if you are not a bubbly person. It is a contradiction in terms. I have given up seeing myself as a flawed person because my energy level is lower than someone else’s, and I don’t talk as much as they do, nor as fast. Giving this up has freed me to embrace and rejoice in my own manner and personality in the measure of my creation.
…Somewhere, somehow the Lord blipped the message onto my screen that my personality was created to fit precisely the mission and talents he gave me… Miraculously, I have found that I have untold abundant sources of energy to be myself. But the moment I indulge in imitation of my neighbor, I feel fractured and fatigued and find myself forever swimming upstream. When we frustrate God’s plan for us, we deprive this world and God’s kingdom of our unique contributions and a serious schism settles in our soul. God never gave us any task beyond our ability to accomplish it. We just have to be willing to do it our own way. We will always have enough resources for being who we are and what we can become…”
That day in our therapist’s office changed me and was the catalyst for breaking this agreement I’ve had my entire life. Nobody had ever given me permission to own being introverted and I started to see that maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing after all. For the first time in my life, I started to feel that maybe I really wasn’t defective and that I’m okay being me.
What now? What truths about yourself have you rejected because you perceived them in the wrong light? Write them down and ponder “How can I more lovingly accept myself as I am?”
By Seth, Writing Team