Brotherhood
/I was first introduced to the concept of brotherhood about four years ago when I was at the lowest point of my life. I had recently broken the trust and heart of my wife again as I disclosed to her my continued struggle with an addiction to lust that was still going strong 14 years into our marriage. Going into this disclosure I knew I needed to make significant changes in many areas of my life. I didn’t realize it at the time but one of the most significant changes I would make was learning to become vulnerable and connect with other men.
Growing up I had a lot of feelings of inadequacy and I told myself if people were going to like me, then I couldn’t let them see my weaknesses. I also had some wounding experiences in which I chose to close off my emotions, to protect myself and to keep people at a distance so they could never hurt me. This also kept people from knowing the real me.
I’ve always had very few close friends and have struggled with connecting with other men. For years my wife would ask me why I didn’t have any guy friends I could do things with. I would always respond by telling her she was my best friend and why wouldn't I want to spend all my time hanging out with her. The truth was I was incredibly lonely inside, depressed, anxious, and disconnected.
After my disclosure I started working on my recovery again. As I met with my therapist and attended 12-step meetings I started hearing about the importance of vulnerability. This concept scared me because I knew that being vulnerable would mean I could no longer hide my weaknesses and imperfections. For too long I had listened to Satan’s voice in my head telling me the lie that if people knew the real me they wouldn’t like me and I’d be rejected.
Things started to change for me when I went to my first bootcamp (Warrior Heart (awarriorheart.com)). There I met men who were comfortable with who they were and were willing to open up and share their pain and losses without fear or apology. Their vulnerability was inspiring and I knew this was something I wanted in my life. I got the courage to open up with another man at the camp and shared with him my struggles with addiction and self-worth. Instead of rejecting me and shaming me he accepted me and shared with me about the very difficult challenges he has dealt with in his life. Although this was a scary experience, something about it felt real and authentic.
I left bootcamp with the desire to continue to connect with other men more than ever. I still had a lot of fear though because I was back in the real world, far away from the safety that bootcamp provided me. I remembered my experience from camp and how it took me being vulnerable in order to connect with someone else so I decided I would try this with the men in my 12-step meetings. Normally when a meeting finished I would make a b-line for the exit. But now I was staying after the meetings and talking with the other men. Oftentimes we weren’t even talking about our addictions but rather about our desires to improve our relationships with our wives and children. I would exchange phone numbers with the men from my recovery meetings so we could stay connected outside the meeting as well. This led to invitations to go to lunch with someone I wanted to get to know better or reaching out to thank someone for something they said or did.
For me one of the ultimate forms of vulnerability that has brought me brotherhood is reaching out and asking for help. Just last week I texted a contractor friend of mine asking for help patching some drywall at my home. My friend quickly responded to my text and said he’d be right over. During the 20 minutes I waited for him I started to feel ashamed that as a 44-year old man I didn’t know how to patch drywall. The truth is this is one of my father-wounds, as I was never taught how to do any sort of house repairs growing up. My friend arrived with necessary tools and drywall mud. He spent the next hour fathering me on how to make the necessary repairs to the drywall. He was very patient and couldn’t have cared less that I needed his help. Through being vulnerable and reaching out I received much needed confidence in myself and I was able to make the necessary drywall repairs.
I’ve been able to return to bootcamp multiple times since my first experience and have been able to connect with several men there. Even though I live in Idaho I am also blessed to experience brotherhood with the men I’ve met there who live in different parts of the country like Maryland, Arizona, Texas, and Utah. We’ve been able to maintain our connection through text messaging, phone calls, or Marco Polo. These are connections that have no limits based on physical distance. I know I can reach out to any of these men when I’m struggling and they will talk with me and just listen if needed.
As I became more vulnerable and started connecting with other men, I noticed Christ started helping me to tear down the walls I had built up over the years to protect myself from being hurt. By removing these walls Christ allowed me to feel the love I had been shutting out for so long and didn’t even realize it.
What now?
If you find yourself struggling to connect with others perhaps start small. Are there 1 or 2 relationships in your life where you can practice being more vulnerable?
By Seth, Writing Team