Why Sex Won’t Solve a Porn Problem

After the reality of my undisclosed pornography use surfaced in our marriage, it was natural for us to wonder if more or improved sexual intimacy could be the solution. But as many men find out the hard way, it doesn’t work like that. The truth is, while many relationships are strained with legitimate challenges around frequency and quality of sexual intimacy, porn use is typically not about these issues. Instead, the issue is likely rooted in what I’ll call lust, along with the reasons behind its use.

Lust Defined

To clarify, I’ve come to use the terms lust and desire to draw a distinction. In this distinction, desire is what leads to healthy sexual intimacy in my marriage where authentic sexuality fosters intimacy and connection in addition to pleasure. Lust, on the other hand, distorts intimacy and connection which is why it acts as a gateway to porn - a sexual experience free of these healthy elements. And it turns a partner into just another way to feed a craving. One man described it this way,

“I can't have true union with my wife while lust is active because she as a person really doesn't matter; she's even in the way; she's merely the sexual instrument.”(Sexaholics Anonymous White Book. Chapter: Lust - The Force Behind the Addiction)

Lust is more about obsessive admiration and fantasy than authentic sexuality. It’s similar to hyperfocus, intrusive thoughts, and other unhealthy obsessions. They all have negative mental health consequences and ultimately manifest in destructive ways.

As is common, my lust and subsequent porn use were obsessive because they were serving as an immediate and effective method of numbing difficult emotions. It’s much like the misuse of food, alcohol, or drugs. That’s why trying to “outdo” porn can be like offering a box of donuts to someone struggling with their diet. It’s not eating that’s unhealthy, it’s eating the wrong things. It’s not sex that’s unhealthy, it’s using sex to compete with porn.

Partners of those using porn often try competing out of a misplaced sense of obligation, fearing that if they don’t, their loved one will return to porn. But this risks deepening a disconnect in the relationship as trust and respect slowly erode and resentment builds.

Instead, the healthy approach is to foster a relationship based on genuine emotional connection, offering love and support while encouraging their partner’s efforts to break free from lust and porn use.

Overcoming

There’s a hard truth that's been recognized for centuries: real transformation often requires the sacrifice of something we’ve grown to love and rely on. Overcoming my unwanted porn use was no exception. I had to give up lust. The realization had a shocking impact on me. I’d been clinging to ideas like “I can lust like a gentleman” and “Fantasizing is a harmless part of my sexuality”. But after time, and some brutal internal battles, I did accept that the sacrifice was necessary. And it was then that the chains began to fall away. It started with ownership - embracing honesty, seeking support, and facing the difficult emotions I’d been trying to escape. Controlling my thoughts (and my eyes) became powerful tools for attacking lust and the pull of porn at their roots.

Still, like many before me, I found that self-control only got me so far. The habits were too ingrained and powerful to resist indefinitely. I had to surrender the pride that had me relying on my own strength and reach out for God's deliverance. The good news that ultimately freed me was that as overpowering as lust and porn can feel, it’s no match for the grace and transformation God offers.

By Ty, Writing Team