I Am Not Worthy

Recently I was reading some journal entries that I wrote about thirteen years ago. One of the entries was describing my frustration after a relapse, and the me of today couldn’t help but cringe at the things I wrote back then. To put it briefly, the old me was a very devoted adherent of the “Try Harder Gospel.”

“Try Harder Gospel” is a term I was introduced to at my first Bootcamp. The basic idea is that some of us respond to our moral failures by trying to knuckle down harder. We try to grit our way into changing our hearts. My own “Try Harder Gospel” was full of the belief that if I just prayed more sincerely, if I spent more time serving, or if I gave more to charity…then I’d be rewarded with the personality and behaviors that I’d always wanted. Then God would change my heart, and save me, because I had finally done enough. That never did work, though. As my fellow-writer Ty described so accurately in last week’s Inspiration message, “we fall into an exhausting cycle - always striving but never feeling enough.”

Most of my work in early recovery was simply recognizing and letting go of this false belief system. I had to do this so that there would finally be enough room for God’s love to enter my heart. When that love did come rushing in, I discovered what grace really meant! As a result, I am now a firm believer in the dangers of perfectionism and never want to go back to living that way.

But perfectionism isn’t the only dangerous extreme.

The fact is, the pendulum swings both ways, and just like it can swing beyond self-improvement into perfectionism, it can swing beyond self-acceptance into justification. So, even as I recognized my perfectionism, and pulled away from that extreme, I had to make sure that I didn’t overcorrect into justification.

To be perfectly honest, sometimes I do hear comments in group and recovery that make me cringe, because they seem to come from that place of overcorrection. These are statements like, “I’m already enough,” and “God loves me just the way I am.”

Those assertions certainly sound nice and positive, but I believe that there is a sneaky lie inside of them. Not only do they encourage complacency, they even diminish the miracle of God’s love. See, if I spend my time affirming to myself that I’m already perfect, that I’m just how I’m supposed to be, that I’m already worthy of every good thing, then what do I need God for? I’m squeezing out any room for His grace just the same as a perfectionist does with his shame. Perfectionism and justification are two sides of the same coin. Both are based on needing to be enough by myself, not requiring grace, being able to do this on my own.

Perfectionism tells me the lie that “God can’t love me because I don’t deserve it,” and justification tells me the lie that “God loves me because I’m owed it.” Both of those mindsets prevent me from appreciating the true miracle that “God loves me…and I don’t deserve it.”

That is the miracle I’ve lived ever since I felt God’s love enter my heart at the beginning of recovery. Not a sense that I am entitled to God’s love, but rather that He loves me even though I’m still not worthy and not enough. That’s how great His love is! It’s baffling and illogical, but undeniable! He pulls me to Him even though I deserve to be pushed away. He gives me mercy even though I deserve to be punished. He makes me feel hope even though I deserve to fear.

That’s the God that I need to believe in. That’s a God that I can have awe in. Not a God who hates me because of my shame, nor a God who loves me because I’m already perfect just the way I am. A God who loves me even when I feel least worthy of it.

So I will try to walk this line as I continue in my recovery. I’m not going to flagellate myself for making mistakes, but neither am I going to stop trying to be better. I’m not going to turn away God’s love, but neither am I going to stop being surprised when it comes. I will accept that I have inherent worth, but not that I’m inherently worthy. I have work to do, a journey to walk, and a heart to change, but I will be loved all along the way because God is good and God is worthy.

By Abe, Writing Team