Ep 29: Anonymous Q&A with Autumn

Q&A - Answers from Autumn and the UU Crew

The UU Crew sits down with Autumn (Chris’ wife) and answers three questions from anonymous sources. The first question is extremely difficult to get through, so be careful if listening around impressionable little minds. It is a very difficult question. The others are not as heavy.

Question 1 asks if her ex-boyfriend may have raped her. She mentioned that he would ask her to have sex with her and if she said no that he would kill himself, completely manipulating the situation. She did not want to be “responsible” for his death so she agreed and he would then be extremely aggressive and hurt her badly. This left her bruised and hurt, not only physically but emotionally as well. This is called Gaslighting! And is called RAPE!!!! There is so much more that went on in this relationship. The good news for her is there are resources and help that she can receive from this trauma. Just know if this is happening to you, there is help available. 

Autumn goes on and reads what rape and assault are. This is such a sensitive subject to talk about. She talks about the help and the resources available for victims. The first one is to go and talk to someone who may not know the person that is abusing the victim, but can be trusted. The second is to go and talk with a victim advocate (probably with that trusted friend by the victim’s side) so that the victim can feel the support needed from a trusted friend. The third resource is to go and file a police report (if the victim feels comfortable with that) and have the victim advocate and the friend be a part of the journey. 

There really has to be a connection with trusted individuals in this journey. And knowing that a person is not alone in this scary time is very important. If the victim is in Utah, the best online resource is TheRapeRecoveryCenter.org. The hotline to call is: (801) 467-7273. However, this website can direct the victim to the help center nearest to them. 

The nationwide organization is: RAINN 800.656.HOPE (4673), the national sexual assault telephone hotline. Victims can also go online and chat with someone on rainn.org. These resources can be a big help for victims. 

Question 2 also deals with getting help. This is more for the addict versus the betrayed. The questioner asks about in-patient options and all options for addicts to obtain the help that they need to get out of the addiction cycle. Steve mentions three inpatient resources to get the help addicts and loved ones of addicts can receive. The first one is Paradise Creek in Logan, Utah. The second place is called Desert Solace; which is located in St. George, Utah.  The third option is The Meadows as probably the best inpatient option. 

There are several out-patient options too that we discuss. One option is LifeStar Network which is in Salt Lake City, Utah. This one is six days a week and the addict is there from 8:00 am to 6:00 pm. LifeStar could be a great option because there have been a lot of people who have gone through Intensive Outpatient (IOP) therapy who have had a lot of success with it. There are also self-driven therapy groups. None of the UU crew have gone through the self-directed version of therapy though. However, any one of these could be the answer that God is telling the addict to use. It just depends on the addict and their commitment to recovery that will assist in this process.

SAnon and SA Lifeline are two great resources for the betrayed. This is a great way for the betrayed to get help. They will be able to work through their trauma experience. There is an example that the UU Crew talks about that the husband and wife going through the IOP at LifeStar. 

Question 3 asks about how to speak with God and how to receive His love. This question is basically the “Wild At Heart” (Warrior Heart Boot Camp, in Utah) [episode 15]. He asks about how God’s children can see His “Love Notes”. Love notes are the way that Heavenly Father talks to His children’s hearts. Examples of these love notes are: sunsets, northern lights, animals, birds, rocks shaped like hearts, and specific ways that will touch each individual heart. 

These notes are individualistic. This is the best way for Heavenly Father to show His children He is there. He wants to speak to His children, but His children are the ones who must invite Him in. He is waiting for you to invite Him into your heart.  Bottom line is Heavenly Father will show up if there is an invite. He will show up in ways that can be so personal for the individual that the reaction is just to cry. All of His children are longing to be seen. He wants to show up for them too. 

If these stories resonate with you, or you know someone who might benefit from them, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 28: Steve and Kayla: Love Through It All

Our Rapper host’s story is similar to a lot of men who struggle with sexual addiction in that the start of his addiction happened long before he was a full-grown adult. At age 11 extensive sexual abuse was discovered within his family and extended family. For Steven, it was like he grew up in a moment and was left very alone. People in his life who should have been there for him just couldn't be because they couldn't even be there for themselves.  He remembers at about age twelve sitting in a therapist's office and having her confirm basically that he was alone (emotionally). He decided that since no one was ever going to be there for him, he wasn't ever going to need anyone. Steven got some help from the adversary on that one (read Wild at Heart). He was 12 when he first remembers seeing pornography and masturbating. His first encounter was just stumbling across it innocently on the Internet. 

As he continued to grow up, pornography and masturbation became more consistent, along with other sexual acting out behaviors.  He then started to develop a dual life...big time. He was raised as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and despite his family's struggles they were still relatively active in the church and Steven knew that his siblings and parents believed in Christ for real. As a kid, he did gain a testimony of Christ and wanted to serve an LDS two-year mission. He went to his bishop (congregation leader/pastor) and confessed about 3/4 of his sexual behavior, leaving out that he had sex multiple times in high school.

After serving a mission in Baltimore, Maryland Steven was on fire with God's love and was committed to not falling back into his addiction. However, his sobriety lasted about three months. He had started viewing pornography consistently and finally went to his bishop to talk.  He didn't like his addiction, but he wasn't ready to change, so everything formed into a justification for his denial. The thing he learned about denial is that it is not only about lying to everyone else, but it’s also about lying to yourself. He told himself, "I don't need to tell anyone or bring this up anymore. God knows I am working on it (which he wasn't) so I can keep this to myself (advice of the adversary) and keep 'working on it' (aka quit every night before he goes to bed)".  He continued to have success on the exterior parts of his life and used that success to re-enforce his denial and justification. That was the basis for his denial of his dual life and his addiction took off.

Kayla grew up following Christ. She tried really hard to do what was right and she had a mom and dad who were very involved in her life. She worked really hard and was diligent about living a life without sin or making big mistakes. Kayla and Steven met when he was freestyle rapping at the gateway in 2010 and were married in September of 2011. Although a couple of things came to Kayla’s attention while dating, Steven gaslighted and minimized so that when they got married Kayla had no idea about the addiction.   

What was once a gap between the two versions of Steven in his dual life was quickly becoming a huge chasm.  On the surface, he was working in the temple (a very sacred place of worship), getting married, serving in a bishopric (congregational leadership), going to college, and getting into his career. On the inside, he was not ever getting real with God about his issues, was in total denial, was seeing his addiction escalating completely unchecked, and was totally destroying himself (lots of shame). This led him to the height of his addiction. At that time he was masturbating and viewing pornography daily and starting to see prostitutes, which continued for several years. He facilitated it all by stealing money from a business he managed for family. This pattern started not long after his mission and continued until April 2014. All the time Kayla had no idea about his dual life.

In April 2014 Kayla went out of town for about a week, so Steven was left home alone. He used this time to binge in his addiction. In this binge weekend, he had no plans and had nowhere to be. It was really the first time he had to just sit with himself in his addiction. He describes that there was a lot of grace from God at this moment because he was able to see past some of the numbness and denial and ask himself, "Why I am doing what I'm doing when I know what I know"?  He knew God loved him. He had seen God's work in lots of other people’s lives and had witnessed those experiences. He didn't know if he'd get divorced, excommunicated from the church, etc., but he knew he couldn't keep going on like this. So he jumped. 

When Kayla came home he picked her up at the airport and went straight to a therapist’s office and he commenced telling her everything. Needless to say, it didn’t go well at all. Kayla had no idea and was truly blindsided. Steven said, “I don't think I will ever really understand how horrible that experience was for her.” Although Kayla had all of the emotions that come with the devastation of experiencing betrayal trauma she also had some powerful experiences with God that made her believe there was meaning and purpose for staying with Steven.

Steven’s first stop was the LifeStar IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) in May 2014, then the LifeStar 3-Phase program with individual therapy and couples therapy. He went through formal church discipline and was disfellowshipped. Over time, staying honest has been one of the hardest parts of recovery for Steven. He came back into full fellowship in the church in September 2015 (16 months). In December of 2016, he had an acting out experience he chose to not be honest about. He chose to justify that he could keep that one to himself and still work recovery. Steven said, “Yup, just as I’m sure you’re thinking right now, that does not work.” He continued to have sporadic slips with masturbation and pornography, which sometimes he would disclose and sometimes not. In the spring of 2018, he had two more acting out experiences. Still doing a lot of recovery work, albeit on his dual life terms, God continued to prompt him to get 100% honest and back in full recovery. With God’s help in August of 2018, he came forward and was again 100% honest. In December of 2018, he was excommunicated from the LDS church.  

Steven and Kayla’s relationship has been like watching the grass grow.  There haven't been these moments where it was like a "magic wand" and their relationship just got so much better.  But over time they have seen change, growth, regaining of trust and are happier. The lack of honesty has been, by far the hardest thing for Kayla. However, despite the ups and downs, she has felt like Steven is changing and she is too. In January of 2019, Steven’s recovery hit its low point when he acted out again with another woman. This took him beyond a place where he could justify, deny, or carry himself out of. “That is the darkest I have ever seen him,” Kayla shared. This forced Steven and Kayla to choose a life of surrender with God or break. Both of them describe how recovery has been so different since that time and how they have continued to find healing and recovery. We often end podcasts by asking the couple who share what they would tell those struggling out there. From our My Story page here is what Steven would say:

I am broken and believe I will only fully heal by turning my heart to God. Despite my struggles, I am still unashamed as ever and working hard on being unafraid to come unto Christ for myself. I intentionally wanted to share my story not being "perfect" or 100% recovered because I'm unashamed.  I know I will find 100% sobriety sooner rather than later. I don’t believe I will have to struggle my whole life. Kayla believes this too. Even though I have continued to give her every reason not to, she does. This has truly been one of the greatest graces of my life. I am so ashamed about how much pain I have caused her and hope for her healing more than my own. I will continually have stories of men on the podcast from months of sobriety not looking back, to men who have five-plus years of sobriety and can't believe they were ever addicted.  I know God loves me and He loves you. My hope is that by sharing my story in a vulnerable, open way, you can have the courage to share your story, reach out, get help, and get loved. If you are struggling with addiction I want you to know you don't have to! You are not alone! The adversary wants you to think that if you come out of your addiction, or really try and tackle it, that everyone will hate you, that your wife will leave you, that your kids will hate you, and that God will slam the door on you. Don't believe it!  Reach out and see! 

"I said there's plenty people like me, all outsiders like me, and all unashamed and all unafraid to live out what they supposed to be "outsiders - Lecrae 

"Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. ... I will not leave you comfortless: I WILL COME TO YOU." John 14: 1,18

"What must the sheep do to qualify for this divine help? Does the sheep need to know how to use a complicated sextant to calculate its coordinates? Does it need to be able to use a GPS to define its position? Does it have to have the expertise to create an app that will call for help? Does the sheep need endorsements by a sponsor before the Good Shepherd will come to the rescue? No. Certainly not! The sheep is worthy of divine rescue simply because it is loved by the Good Shepherd."  He Will Place You on His Shoulders and Carry You Home - Dieter F. Uchtdorf

If these stories resonate with you, or you know someone who might benefit from them, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. We here at Unashamed Unafraid are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Christ Jesus; for that is such an important part of true and everlasting recovery from any addiction and trauma that we have all experienced.  Please follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid. Donate to help others in recovery at Here. Or reach out to a member of our team Here.

Ep 26: Hope And Healing Support with Michelle

Steve, James and Kayla sit down with the owner/administrator of the website hopeandhealingsupport.com. While running a website to bring people to Christ, she found that her website was being inundated with questions about addiction and recovery for the betrayed. So she started the website hopeandhealingsupport.com. Her website has information for women affected by the sexual addiction of a loved one.  

Michelle began by discussing what hopeandhealingsupport.com is all about. She talked about how much her eyes opened to the need of help with betrayal trauma. She mentioned the hope that the betrayed and addicted feel after going to the website forum. The entire reason why Michelle decided to start this website was to bring people together and provide hope during a dark time in people’s lives. Steve and Kayla also expressed the positivity of what the website was able to do for them during the first stages of their recovery. 

Kayla mentioned that all of these types of resources assisted her in understanding how to go through this recovery for her and what things she changed because of available resources like Hope and Healing. Kayla said that she learned about surrendering her control of Steve and his addiction over to God. She also understands that this is Steve’s choice whether he surrenders to God or not. That gives Kayla a lot of peace that she can control what she decides and leave the rest to God. Kayla also mentioned she cannot be the fixer of his problems. She realized that God is the only one who can take it from Steve. This was not very surprising to Michelle.

Michelle talked about how she sees patterns of how the betrayed begin their journey and those who truly want to recover from the trauma will follow it. She also realized that the gospel is much deeper than just checking boxes. She has been able to see a deeper part of God’s plan for agency because of seeing the betrayed surrender. This was one of the key principles that women have to understand before they can truly recover.

Michelle also describes that women must get out of isolation quickly. The resources available can assist the women in healing more quickly. However, it can be difficult to find a community of healing; especially, when women are too embarrassed to talk about it openly. But, there are those resources. There are online meetings, phone meetings, and meetings in different churches. These are only a few select number of resources.

Another resource for women is therapy. Most loved ones will need therapy when dealing with betrayal trauma. Women need to understand self-awareness about their trauma. Women also need to reconnect into their own self-care with other women. They also must reconnect to their spiritual self-care. They cannot go into the “try-harder” gospel. Isolation is not the solution. Trauma patients need to adjust the way they do things to recover from the trauma. Which brought up a question about “God trauma”.

Kayla said that God trauma has been pretty big for her because it was so clear that she was supposed to marry Steven. She was shattered when she found out about Steve's addiction. She wanted to know why she felt so sure that God wanted to marry Steven even though he was so broken. 

Kayla understands now that God gave her Steve because she needed to see that despite Steve’s brokenness, she found the gratitude in how good a man Steven is. Steve is one of the good ones because he is trying to recover. She also sees that this trial came to pass. She said that her marriage is better than it could have been, had they not gone through this. While some  betrayed get to a place of gratitude for their trials, there are still those who decide to remain in anger and shame.

The question was asked about why there is still so much anger and shame around addiction and recovery. Michelle mentioned there will always be anger and shaming websites because when those who have been betrayed first reach out, they want to fix it and so they try to fix the outer problem first. When they are ready to fix the inner problems, that is when they turn away from the anger and start to heal through love and connection. It was an amazing opportunity to meet with Michelle and see just how much she believes that there truly is hope during the healing process.

We greatly appreciate Michelle sharing her heart with us. If these stories resonate with you, or you know someone who might benefit from them, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At UnashamedUnafraid we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid. 

Ep 25: Anonymous Q&A with Dr. Skinner - Recovery is Possible Through Connection

Jason and Steve sit down and talk with Dr. Skinner about anonymous questions that UnashamedUnafraid (UU) have received. He talks to them about how there is recovery and a saving grace from any type of addiction. The addict must give up something to get their life back. It also involves true connection to others. At UU, we believe anyone can recover through our Savior Jesus Christ and his infinite Atonement.

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Jason and Steve sit down and talk with Dr. Skinner about anonymous questions that UnashamedUnafraid (UU) have received. He talks to them about how there is recovery and a saving grace from any type of addiction. The addict must give up something to get their life back. It also involves true connection to others. At UU, we believe anyone can recover through our Savior Jesus Christ and his infinite Atonement.

Who is Dr. Skinner? He is the director of Ado Recovery. They have a number of clinics around the United States and Canada. He started his own clinic and realized after a speaking engagement at BYU that there was a major issue with sex and pornography addiction. After several years of assisting in the recovery of addicts and betrayed spouses, Dr. Skinner was asked to head up Ado Recovery. They have grown from just four offices to over 14 offices in seven years. So, he has a lot of knowledge that he emparts to us and our listeners. So without further ado, Dr. Skinner tackles the first question.

Question One comes from a spouse of an addict. She wants to know if there is any level of porn addiction that you do not come back from? Dr. Skinner believes that there is no level of porn that you cannot come back from. He caveats it with there might be skeletons in the addicts closet that have not been disclosed. 

What he means by this is there is most likely child abuse or other past experiences that occurred for that individual that has not been addressed. They are usually running from something. If the individual is willing to do the work, they will heal from the addiction; as well as, from the past trauma. This can be worked through hope in the atonement and with the help of therapists, friends, and family support.

Question Two is from a woman who’s friend disclosed that her husband has viewed child pornography. The husband’s therapist told him that is more likely porn escalation rather than pedophilia. Her friend feels she is beyond hope because of this and she wants to know if there is hope. Dr. Skinner says that most people are not looking at childhood porn. Nevertheless, her question is very important and needs to be addressed.

Dr. Skinner says there must be a differentiation between what type it was. Was it prepubescent, or teenage porn. Also, was it a stumbled across? And is it still happening? These are the follow up questions that should be asked. And just like question one, there is always hope in Christ. If the person is willing to put in the work, there can be true and lasting recovery.

Question Three asks if having Christ in the recovery is necessary? Dr. Skinner believes that addicts always need to have a true connection with others. After all, people are the vehicle (even though they are not perfect) that God or a higher power uses to connect with His children here on earth. At UU, we believe an addict can do it through our Savior Jesus Christ and his infinite Atonement.

If these questions have affected you or someone you know, please feel free to forward this podcast episode to them. We would appreciate you all to become Outsiders. It can be as low as $5 per month. If you have other questions please feel free to email any one of us at UU. 

Ep 24: John and Amy: Searching for the Real Heart of Christ

John and Amy sit down with Steve and CT to talk about their personal stories. John talks about how his home was very ritualistic and rigid in terms of religious views. Amy talks about her home being one of acceptance and being able to talk with her parents openly. They talk about how they met and how they have been able to work through recovery and how it brought them together through Christ. They are an amazing couple. 

John grew up in a very strict religiosity-filled home.  His parents were very rigid, or “religid” as we call it. When John had any questions that could have been considered controversial he was scolded and shamed. Because he was afraid his parents would shame him, he never told anyone about his addiction to pornography. Once, his mom walked in on him at the age of 14 looking at porn on the internet and she made him go to his local church leader. That was not necessarily a bad thing, but unfortunately, there was just more shame shoveled onto him and he never talked about it again. Then Amy came into the picture at the height of his addiction. 

Amy grew up in an LDS home as well, but it was much less rigid. Validation and acceptance were based on performance and behaviors in her family. She was able to talk to her parents about worries and frustrations and felt she had a pretty open and healthy relationship with her parents. She just put a lot of pressure on herself to be perfect. On the outside she was. 

When John and Amy met, they were going to the same church. They dated for a short time before they were married because they both knew their marriage was God approved. Their marriage was amazing at first, but the stress of marriage, school and having kids felt pretty daunting to John and a short time after they were married he started acting out. He masked it through mental illness.

After Amy found out that his mental illness (depression) was caused by his addiction to pornography she started researching how to help him and herself. They never separated but John struggled for a few years. He disclosed something he had done that was illegal to his therapist and his therapist had to force John to turn himself in to the police. Amy was not happy about this. She thought they were making progress so this was devastating to her. To learn more about this please listen to the podcast. 

Through all of the heartache, John and Amy have found love from their Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. They have been able to talk more openly with each other. They both agreed that the recovery path is worth every drop of sweat and all the tears. They have been able to find peace in their hearts and have started working together to spread the word of redemption through platforms like unashamedunafraid.com.

We at Unashamed appreciate John and Amy for allowing us to share their story. If this has affected you or, if you know others who might be struggling, please consider sharing this with them. We are here, Unashamed and Unafraid to share stories about addiction recovery and redemption through Jesus Christ.

Ep 23: Moore on Shame with Dr. Adam Moore

Dr. Moore started his practice in marriage and family therapy in St. George, Utah. He quickly realized there was a problem in families with sexual addiction and betrayal trauma. Dr. Moore decided to specialize in assisting families in these types of issues. He now has several practices throughout Utah and Nevada. He also has a two year waiting list, so he is obviously very good at what he does.

“All addicts (and loved ones of addicts) must focus on: Progress…. Not Perfection.”  -Dr. Adam Moore

Besides talking about how successful Dr. Moore is, Steve and Jason sit down to talk to him about shame. Dr. Moore talks about shame prone families. He also talks about shame and denial work together. Dr. Moore then dives into the roadblocks that we have for true recovery, and this is only during the first twenty minutes. So pull up a chair and listen to this episode. 

Shame is everywhere and can come from everyone, especially from oneself. Most likely, if a person is alive, they have experienced shame. There are several forms of shame and Dr. Moore talks about them in podcast [episode 23]. The first example is growing up in shame prone families. If one’s experience is a home where it is unacceptable to make a mistake, then that is a shame prone family. “Even if that person does the very best that they can… Then their dad (mom, brother, or sister) says, ‘That was pretty good, but here are three things where you could do better.’” 

Another example of a shame prone family is it is unacceptable to make a mistake because that person then gets made fun of. It usually comes in the form of a very cruel joke, or the family makes a joke at that person’s expense. The family tries to highlight all of each others’ weaknesses so no one in the family feels like they are “good enough”. In a sick way, these families do this to feel connected and funny. 

Some questions that may arise from these types of family dynamics are: Does anyone actually even like me? Am I good enough? Do I have what it takes? These questions are at the core of everyone. So what do addicts do? They hide and isolate themselves because they are ashamed of their actions. They are afraid of people viewing them in a negative light.

Dr. Moore talks about becoming a therapist and how it changed people’s behaviors around him. Even some of his friends stopped hanging out with him because they were afraid of him “analyzing” their every word and action. In that scenario all parties have the possibility of feeling shame. So, what advice does Dr. Moore give about combating shame?

Dr. Moore talks about how people need to reach out to others and realize they are not that different from each other. He describes how to have a perspective shift. As an addict one can say to themselves, “Even in my addiction, I am not that different from everybody else.” Dr. Moore talks about how there are only a select number of human stories with myriads of deviations. He is saying that humans are not as different from each other as they think.  Humans are basically wired the same way. Shame can decrease when people connect with each other and with each other’s stories. It is still very important to get everyone’s story out. This will allow the shame to be freed and that is when self compassion can start to affect a person.

Jason was going through the ARP (LDS version of the 12 step program) and he describes the following experience: “Before I shared my step 4 inventory with my sponsor he told me, ‘There is nothing in here that you are going to tell me that won’t surprise me.’ That was incredibly deshaming for me.” This is a major win in the category of self compassion.

Dr. Moore finishes the episode by leaving Steve and Jason with these words:

“You have to be careful not to over rely on this one principle of your addiction. There are people out there that don’t have shame and wish they could stop the addiction. Don’t overemphasize one aspect of the addiction.”

“First of all, the fastest way to shame yourself is to believe that you have wasted your chance for recovery by comparing yourself to others who are in recovery and who have more days of sobriety.” 

“Be patient with yourself. You don’t get to control your recovery and how long it will take to change your addiction. Extreme patience with yourself. Those who stay with the addict need to also come to grips with the fact that it may take their entire lifetime to recover.”

We here at Unashamed Unafraid are so thankful for professionals like Dr. Moore for helping us spread the message of hope and healing in Christ. We hope that you will share this episode with those you love. Everyone will benefit from this episode. Please share it on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. If you haven’t subscribed yet, please subscribe and tell your friends.

Ep 22: Unashamed for the New Year

What a year! 2019 saw a lot of changes for UnashamedUnafraid. The UnashamedUnafraid (UU) Crew is so excited for 2020. This episode is a special tribute to the hard work and dedication of the UU Crew. For more information on the crew, please visit the bio page at UnashamedUnafraid.com. So what is going to be discussed in this special episode? 

The UU Crew sit down and talk about the podcast becoming what it is today. They discuss how it all started and how everyone came to be a part of the Crew. In early 2019, Chris “The Hulk of Hope” and Steve “Rapper Host” made it a goal to record and publish 10 men’s stories and we almost got there! The Crew also talks about which episode was their favorite and what the blog and podcast are going to be in 2020.

Because Chris and Autumn were the first story [episode 1] on UnashamedUnafraid, it seemed like a natural fit for Chris to be the one that Steve talked to about his plans. Especially because Chris was already fighting for the hearts of men through Warriorheart Boot Camps. Where did James “The Assistant to the Regional Manager”, Jason “Darth Vader of Audio” and CT “Lionheart of Editing” come from?

James came into the picture in early 2019. Steve approached him and said he needed help running and growing the podcast. As the “Assistant to the Regional Manager”, James is the one who keeps the entire UU Crew on track. He makes sure that everything is being legitimately run and that everything flows. He brings his strength of fighting for the hearts of men. He also brings passion and strength in fighting for the hearts of women. He is the AV guy for both Warriorheart Boot Camp [episode 15] and Heart of a Woman Retreat [episodes 12 & 19]. 

But the UU Crew wasn’t complete yet. In July they added two more guys, who are probably the most handsome of the UU Crew. CT was approached two years ago by Steve to be a part of the podcast and blog. He saw something in CT about his writing abilities. CT was extremely afraid to put it out there because he gets stage fright. But, after two years, Steve approached him again and said that CT either had to put up or shut up. It was time to act instead of talk. It has been amazing, to say the least for CT (me). CT is also a part of the Warriorheart Boot Camp and it has become an extension of brotherhood joining the UU Crew. Jason, on the other hand, was a bit of a different situation.

Jason approached Steve through email. He told him that he loved listening to the podcasts and they had helped him a ton. He felt inspired to reach out to Steve and offer his services to make the podcast recordings more tolerable to listen to (because our audio was terrible, let’s all just be honest). Jason is an audio engineer at heart. He may sell windows and doors by day, but he is the Lord Vader of Audio by night! The UU Crew would not sound nearly as good as they do without him. Chris, James, and Steve sat down with Jason and realized he was a vital missing piece to the puzzle. With the UU Crew assembled in July, it was time to start recording a ton of episodes. But how can the UU Crew reach more people in the year 2020?

This is where listeners can help. They are going to start monetizing UnashamedUnafraid. The UU Crew discusses the plans for 2020 and how to get involved so UnashamedUnafraid can become a non-profit organization. As a non-profit organization, there is going to be a need for membership fees, donations and more opportunities for the listeners to get involved.

The UU Crew believes in this message so much that they want to be able to use the proceeds from the memberships and donations to assist addicts and loved ones of addicts to be able to get the help that they need. The UU Crew wants to sponsor (through scholarships) more men and women to get individual, group, or couples therapy. The UU Crew also wants to send more people to Warriorheart Boot Camps and Heart of a Woman retreats and any other amazing resource. For some listeners, these things are just a pipe dream. They want to get help but can’t because of financial constraints. The UU Crew has been so blessed through therapy and retreats, that giving back is a way for them and you to help as many men and women as possible. 

The UU Crew cannot do this alone. They talk about what the listeners might be able to receive as a special thanks and appreciation for their assistance in this process of bringing more people into recovery. The UU Crew will be providing additional content and (for lack of a better term) gratitude swag for the donations and subscriptions from the listeners. Plus the subscribers will be receiving a virtual (if possible a real) famous hug from CT. 

The UU Crew loved 2019. It was “brutiful”, inspiring, full of love and restoration. They want to continue to share inspiration from our Savior. They have learned once again by sharing recovery stories that Christ is there for everyone, whether it be for recovery from an addiction or from trauma. Christ is the Healer, Redeemer, Savior, and Friend for all. Everyone can get involved by donating to this cause. The UU Crew and all those who benefit from this will be grateful for the donations. Donations will be used only to cover costs and create scholarships. The UU Crew will continue to work for free because we want any donation to go directly to helping someone in recovery and healing.  

From the Crew at UnashamedUnafraid, we wish you a very Happy New Year. May this year be the year for you to become and remain unashamed and unafraid through the hope and healing of Christ Jesus. If you have been blessed by this message and want to inspire others, please share this message on social media, subscribe to our podcast, and review us on iTunes. UnashamedUnafraid can be heard on any major podcast station. Thank you for your participation this year and for years to come. 

God Bless You,

UU Crew

Ep 21: Q & A Answers: Boundaries with Addicts and is God Part of Recovery?

Merry Christmas! Here is a special episode where all of the players in Unashamed Unafraid (UU) come together and answer listeners’ anonymous questions. We really appreciate all of the people who have tuned in this year. We have something special coming in the year to come but this won’t be discussed in this episode. What will be discussed in this episode is the questions from anonymous listeners like you.

In this episode the UU Crew and Kristy (wife of James) discuss the following questions:

1. Forgetting who we are to God, Figuring out our true selves, and the tools we have used.

2. Why can’t an addict stop?

3. Can an addict just stop cold turkey? Is there more? Are their lies?

4. Why did Heavenly Father tell me to stay with him through all the lies? Why did my husband continue to get called to be a leader in the church when he wasn’t living right? Is anything about my 40-year marriage real or true? How could he watch us (my kids and I) suffer because of his actions?

5. Can abuse be the reason for my addiction? How do I get rid of this addiction without therapy or telling my parents? Does God still care?

6. How can I help him to be willing and accountable?

7. Can a person truly be recovered without a spiritual component? How do I trust his recovery is genuine if there is no God to answer to?

Steve, Chris, James, CT, and Jason tackle all of those questions through their personal experiences and insights from their own recovery stories. Plus, Kristy gives great insight into what it is like for the betrayed to answer these questions too. These questions are awesome and we love them because we are reminded that we are human too and sometimes forget the answers that we are sharing on this podcast.

Question 1: Have any of you guys experienced a “forgetfulness” of who you are to God? And have you figured out who your true self is? If you have what tools, things, whatever, did you do to find your true self once again? And what are you continuing to do to learn more about what God’s plan is for you?

We all have experienced a forgetfulness of who we are in God. We continue to be reminded through our brokenness that God loves us. We found that really asking God to tell us who we are in Him is really what we must do. Then we need to accept the answer He gives us. Oftentimes, we see his love through “love notes” a sunset, through wildlife, through other brothers, etc. This can seem too hippy-ish but, James talks about how he had to experience the hippy-ish side of God before he realized just who God was to him. We just need to be reminded that He loves us no matter what. He will always be there for us. 

Question 2: Why can’t an addict stop?

We have all (including the addicts) asked this question. Steve also speaks about having to love an addict. It can be very difficult to love someone who wants to isolate. You don’t want to do it, you say you don’t want to do it, and then you do it. Chris explains that it comes down to a choice. Steve gives an analogy for people who don’t struggle with a sex addiction but may have another struggle with something else that comforts them. CT talks about how connection is the way out of addiction. Jason sums it all up by saying that addiction is not the problem. The problems in a person’s life leads to addiction. So, if we can address the problems in our lives healthily, we can overcome the addiction.

Question 3: Is it possible/realistic to believe that an addict can go cold turkey and completely stop acting out and that he has fully disclosed to me? If not, what is the best way for me to approach him to get the truth? 

Kristy describes how she has been able to recover from the betrayal of lies. She talks about how the betrayed have to get their own healing from the addiction. Kristy describes the tools that the betrayed must use to cope with the recovery/addiction of their spouse. She also talks about trusting intuition that is felt. Women usually are right in their intuition when it comes to lies. Steve talks about the difference between having a continued nagging feeling and a triggering situation. 

Question 4: Why did Heavenly Father tell me to stay with him through all the lies? Why did my husband continue to get called to be a leader in the church when he wasn’t living right? Is anything about my 40-year marriage real or true? How could he watch us (my kids and I) suffer because of his actions?

Steve mournfully said, “First of all, I am sorry.”

Next, Steve explained that her husband may have looked like he was not suffering, but he was. He was just showing everyone the person he thought he should be. Steve also talks about how even though from a church standpoint your husband may not have been “worthy” for the callings, God still will use a person despite their choices.

Kristy talks about how frustrating it must be. She also talks about how it is okay to ask the question why. It is okay because the Lord will stay with you. Her advice was to stay with the Lord and continue to ask the questions. He will answer you. He has always been there with you.

Question 5: Can abuse be the reason for my addiction? How do I get rid of this addiction without going through therapy or telling my parents? Does God even care?

The group talks about how minimizing sexual abuse is what the abused do. It is always a big deal. We also talk about how there is no way for someone to recover from a sexual addiction without others. There has to be therapy and a safe person(s) in the life of an addict for true healing and recovery.

Question 6: How can I help him to be willing and accountable?

The group agrees that the betrayed can never help the addict be willing and accountable. Kristy explains, “You cannot do therapy for him.” You cannot heal your husband. He is the one who has to be the one to do the work of recovery. She also says that the betrayed needs to find the help that they need. There may come a point in the marriage where the distance between the addict and the betrayed is too great. Bottom line, the betrayed need to get the help they need too. 

Question 7: Can a person truly be recovered without a spiritual component? How do I trust his recovery is genuine if there is no God to answer to?

Generally speaking, the people outside of the Christian realm, religious realm, etc. do not believe that sexual addiction is a real thing. This question will be answered based on the belief in the religious aspect. All of us tried to recover without the spiritual component and we all have failed. 

If these are some of the same questions you or you know someone who would benefit from getting these questions answered, please share this episode with them. They may not thank you now, but they will eventually grow to understand that the only way to be in true recovery is through connection and being unashamed and unafraid to come to Jesus Christ. We at UnashamedUnafraid encourage anyone who is struggling with these questions to invite Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ into their lives. Please visit us at UnashamedUnafraid.com or on Instagram, Facebook, and twitter at @unshamedunafraid. Enjoy the episode and remember that Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father are always for each and every one of us.

Resources:

The Shack - William Paul Young

Wild At Heart - John Eldredge

Following the Light of Christ - John Ponteus

Fathered By God - John Eldredge 

Ep 20: Matt’s Story - By Surrendering He Received Redemption

Steve and Jason sit down with an amazing man named Matt. Matt was on EP 18: Intro to 12 Step & ARP Meetings and explained a little bit of his story with the group. This time, he gets to talk all about his story. He opens up about his rocky childhood due to misguided views on what real connection should be. He also talks about how his parents were not safe. He talks about his relationships now and what has changed. He finishes by talking about what recovery means to him and his family. 

Matt was born to two very broken parents. He realized why very quickly. Even though he is the oldest child alive. He has four more brothers and sisters that came before him, but died before he was born. He did not have real connection so he sought out friendships that led him to pornography and masturbation through magazines and movies. This was the escape that he thought he needed because of his parents' absence in the home. He also found “love” through his girlfriend and she ended up getting pregnant. They married quickly and were divorced even faster.

“I did not have a love foundation at home. So I looked forward to being with my girlfriend.”

Matt then talked about how he was in major custody battles for his daughter. His ex-wife was making up terrible things about him to make him give up custody of their daughter. His daughter would end up being his inspiration for working so hard and trying hard in school. His daughter became sort of mascot for him and his friends during college. She became their inspiration too. Matt then started working at Disney and met the girl of his dreams. 

Matt and his dream girl started hanging out. He introduced her to his daughter and instantly they clicked. She was exactly who he needed because she was very positive and Matt’s life had been so negative up to this point. Matt married the girl and they were in heaven, but Matt fell back into the trap of pornography due to changing circumstances. His wife caught him and he confessed. Nothing of consequence really happened so he started it back up again pretty quick.

Matt then took it to the next level and started having an emotional affair with a classmate. Matt continued down this path for quite a while and soon found himself having an affair with his boss and another woman. When his wife found out about it, she told him that she would fight this battle with him. Matt was excommunicated from his church and still lived at home. His wife was fighting for his heart. Little did she know, but they were losing the battle. Because there was no real consequences he continued down the path of pornography and masturbation that led to having another affair. After that, his wife kicked him out and it finally hit him what he had done to this courageous and amazing woman.

Matt’s wife said that she was done being hurt by him and he would never hurt her again. She continued to recover on her own and so did Matt. She would make him come and take care of the kids and he got an impression that he should serve her without expectations. So he did. He cleaned the entire house while she would leave and then when she came home he slipped out the front door. Even though Matt continued to do this for months, his wife still wanted a divorce and that is where they were headed. Then one day she asked him why he wanted to be married to her. After his wife read an email from Matt, they started to repair their marriage. Matt saw her willingness to surrender and trust that Heavenly Father would be there for her and it inspired him to do the same.  Matt decided to surrender and that is when the real recovery started. 

Matt explained that he is not perfect and never will be on earth. Matt has had a lot of help through therapy, ARP, journaling, working out. Since Matt has done these things, he has realized that we all have been sent to earth to fail. Knowing that helps him understand and trust that Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us. Matt continues to encourage men to step out and surrender because it is the only way to true redemption. 

Matt’s story is raw and very real and we at Unashamed Unafraid are deeply grateful that he entrusted us with his story. Please share this with someone you know who could benefit from this post. Please listen to our podcast and follow us on Instagram and Facebook @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 19: Heart of A Woman Retreat: Personal Experiences

Keshia explained, “It was so pure and simple and was focused on the sole connection with God. I am not fighting that anymore. God is okay with where I am at.” 

Kristi, Mindy, and Keshia sit down with James and Steve and talk about the Heart of a Woman Retreat. They discuss what their lives are like right now, what their apprehensions were before going to the retreat, talk about what they learned there, what they would tell someone about the retreat, and who might be on the fence about going. The women are extremely open and vulnerable about their experiences and is an episode that will make you laugh and cry in the same breath. If this affects you and you know others who might be struggling, please consider sharing this with them because we are here Unashamed and Unafraid to share stories about addiction, recovery, and redemption through Jesus Christ.

Kristi has had a pretty crazy nine years. Nine years ago she got divorced and started taking care of her three kids on her own. She felt far away from God and that He had abandoned her. The last straw was she recently found out that her cancer is back. She had still been hurting from the divorce. Her friend Becky told her about the retreat and she decided to go. 

Mindy has been married for 18 years and she has been in betrayal recovery from her husband's addiction for the past two years. Mindy developed a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms. She turned her back on God. She also developed self-loathing because of the betrayal. She heard about the retreat on our podcast and told her husband about it. He immediately signed her up.

Keshia was married to her spouse for 8 years and she found out about her husband’s addiction 5 years into the marriage. She decided to get divorced and they have been divorced for 18 months now. Funny story, they are dating now. She heard about the retreat and decided to go because she was in a chaotic stage with her faith knowing that she could not go back to just living the “formula gospel”. 

So what were their apprehensions or fears about going to the retreat? 

All three of them felt so scared about not being able to connect with God. They did not feel that they would be the same after the retreat. They wanted to know if God really loved them and knew them personally. They were excited to report that God showed up in a big way! Here are some of the quotes that they said about what happened:

Mindy said, “It felt like light had been shined in my heart, in places that I had no idea were there.”

Kristi commented, “The prayers that were offered in that little circle were the prayers that will stay stuck in my heart, for years.”

They all explained that anyone thinking about going just needs to go. Mindy shared the scripture John 4:19 that says, “We love Him because He first loved us.” So, God gave us Jesus Christ and now it is our turn to move into that love. 

We at UnashamedUnafraid encourage anyone to reach out and go to either the Heart of a Woman Retreat or to A Warrior Heart Boot Camp, this is a great place to reconnect our souls to The Source of all the fruits of the spirit found in Galatians 5:22 and 23. If you or anyone you know might be struggling, please consider sharing this with them. Please listen to our podcast and follow us on Instagram and Facebook @UnashamedUnafraid. We all need someone who loves us enough to fight for our hearts, and God is there to do that.

Next Retreat is

Feb 20-22, 2020

Discount Code:

CYBER for $50 off on Cyber Monday.

UNASHAMED for a discount thereafter

Ep 18: Intro to 12 Step & ARP Meetings

“Addiction is a very private and lonely space and once someone comes into a meeting, they realize that they are not alone.” - Randy

“My anxiety was a 17 out of 10. I was shaking because I was afraid I would see someone I knew there. I got in there and saw two people and my instant emotion was relief.” - Matt

Jason, Matt, Randy and Steve sit down and talk about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints’ (LDS) ARP. This is a version of the AA 12 step program created by Bill W. The difference between the two versions is that the LDS Church focuses on the relationship that a person has with Jesus Christ. This episode focuses on what ARP is, what it is not, and how it can help the addict. ARP is a great start on the road to recovery. Listen in to find out about the healing and help Jason and Matt have received through the ARP program.

ARP is for those looking for a place of love, acceptance and forgiveness. It is a place where people can feel safe to talk openly about their struggles with addiction. The first-timers really feel relief when they walk through the doors because they realize they are not alone in the struggle. Matt talks about how he felt relieved when he saw people he knew; “My anxiety was a 17 out of 10. I was shaking, because I was afraid I would see someone I knew there. I got in there and saw two people and my instant emotion was relief.” ARP is not for everyone but is a great first step.

One issue some seasoned addicts have with ARP is that there are instances where there is no sobriety in these meetings. However, it takes a while for people to understand that they belong, they matter and that the addiction is just a mask for a deeper issue. This is where ARP may not be as beneficial for certain people because of what it is not: ARP is not a place where a person can get one on one help. ARP will likely not be run by a therapist. It is run by a facilitator. Facilitators guide the meetings and ensure there is no crosstalk or interruptions during a person’s share. It is not group therapy. 

In group therapy, a person sits with other people and a therapist and talks about his/her struggles with addiction. Steve describes an experience he had with group therapy and how the therapist interjected to teach and help Steve about what he was doing. 

Jason then continues and talks about what the four steps of support can be for the addict. 

ARP is the first step in this road of support. It is a support system for men to receive love and connection from other men. The second step is an accountability partner who is there for the addict. The third step is very similar to the second because it is having an accountability partner who will call the addict out on his/her crap. The fourth step which might be necessary is having a therapist. 

The bottom line is that ARP is there to assist men/women on the road to recovery. Randy believes that ARP is about repentance. The term repentance in German is “to turn about”. Repentance is to turn away from sin and never go back. This leads all men to redemption and change.

Please share this with someone you know who could benefit from this post. Please listen to our podcast and follow us on Instagram and Facebook @UnashamedUnafraid.

12 Step Meetings:

Ep 17: Theron Recovery Story - A Story of Healing and Redemption

“What I did not realize is that Heavenly Father was telling me that He had to sever the old relationship for a new one.” -Theron

Theron’s story is one of deep tragedy and amazing healing. It was an incredible experience to sit with him while he shared the immense difficulty and pain he has faced as well as hearing him talk about how he found healing, change, and hope. Despite all he experienced, he has gained an intimate relationship with God. Although Theron is still working on this recovery, the way he talks about his marriage and his new relationship with God is truly inspiring. Sharing stories that are unashamed and unafraid is our mission. However, this means they are usually raw, real and authentic. DISCLAIMER: Theron’s story has some traumatic experiences he faced in his childhood, so be forewarned.      

Theron was born into this world under extremely difficult circumstances. Theron’s dad and grandfather subjected him to things that no person should ever have to witness or experience. At five (or six) years old, he witnessed his father rape his sister and was subjected to ritualistic abuse and torture himself. 

Theron’s parents split up when he was 10 years old. Despite the abuse by his dad, he decided to stay with him because his mother was gone emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Theron had to grow up fast. He recalled having to regularly eat TV dinners and similar meals because of his dad’s neglect. As he grew up, he found distraction in drugs and alcohol. It was a good way to numb the pain of his childhood and the feelings of being unlovable and unworthy of anyone’s love. As a child and teen, Theron avoided God because he believed God did not love him and that he was worthless. 

But as Theron’s life was spiraling out of control with drug use, he felt like God intervened and wanted him to clean up his life. Theron went on to serve an LDS mission and thought that it was his one shot at redemption. Because Theron wasn’t perfectly obedient, he thought he was a terrible missionary and had blown that shot. 

When he returned home, Theron decided to move to Colorado where he met the love of his life. Life was good with her for the first couple of years. Eventually, Theron fell into pornography while attending college. Over time his sexual acting out went further and further until he ended up having affairs. He was full of shame and convinced that his wife would divorce him if he told her about it so he put together a plan. The plan was that as soon as his youngest left home to go to college, he would divorce his wife and then get help. Over time, he realized he couldn’t wait that long and told his wife he wanted a divorce. She said, “No, we need to go to counseling first.” At this time Theron had not disclosed anything yet. Fast forward several months of therapy, Theron chose to spill all of his secrets to his wife, including the horrible things from his childhood. Theron wrote down everything. Once Theron opened up to his wife, he was scared that he would be “excommunicated” from his church. Excommunication is when a person loses their membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

“What I did not realize is that Heavenly Father was telling me that He had to sever the old relationship for a new one;” full of love and compassion. Theron has felt so much outpouring of love from his Heavenly Father. He has had some personal and sacred experiences that he deeply cherishes. Theron has learned from his Father in Heaven how to truly love people and be present for them. 

Theron still has his struggles with pornography, but he is “All In” when it comes to his recovery. He is completely honest about his struggles and understands that he is not perfect. That is okay for him because he knows his Father in Heaven still loves him fully and deeply. He has the trust and hope that he will win this war. 

It was an honor to interview Theron. His story is extremely raw and real, but he has survived to tell it. And we at Unashamed Unafraid know that his story will impact someone who might be struggling.

Please share this with someone you know who could benefit from this hopeful story.  Please also listen to our podcast and follow us on Instagram and Facebook @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 7 - Anonymous Questions Answered: Bipolar, Dailies, & Shame

“Hyper-sexuality is beyond lust. It is insatiable. 57% of Bipolar depressed during their manic phase are hyper sexual. You are not alone” - Todd

For our 7th Anonymous Questions episode, we brought back a favorite guest Todd Olson, LCSW. Todd is one of the founders of LifeSTAR and practices here in Utah. He will address three questions we received. The first one is about dealing with sexual addiction while having bipolar disorder. The second one is about dailies and what they are. The third one is about shame. Shame is such a big topic that we will be covering that in a future podcast. As always we commend the courage of our anonymous question-askers for being willing to reach out and be vulnerable.  

Question: Does hyper-sexuality in those with Bipolar disordered have any relevance here? The urges to act out to feed that sexual desire can be overwhelming. At this point, sex is not fun. It is more of a compulsion. It can lead to affairs, excessive masturbation ( sometimes many times in one day, and more). How does one overcome this- especially since bipolar disorder is a lifelong disease? How does one reconcile breaking the commandments with such a serious sin and feeling the shame and fear that this will happen again?

Answer: Todd explains that it is good this “caller”  has an awareness that they have a version of bipolar disorder and they are aware of their symptoms. He also talks about how their story needs to be heard. Just like how all of struggling with addiction don’t battle alone. Those struggling with bipolar disorder also need support around them who know their story and what they are struggling with.

Todd goes on to explain the different types of Bipolar disorders. There are five different types: Bipolar Depressed, Bipolar Mania, Bipolar Mixed, HypoMania, Dysthymia. The nice thing about this mental health disorder is it can be managed and there are three things that will help a person with Bipolar disorder manage it:

1. Get Help from a medical doctor, psychiatrist, or an advanced nurse practitioner.

2. Get on the right medications - This is the most important!

3. Have a trusted friend to walk you through this

Bottom Line: Everyone’s story needs to be heard and bipolar can be managed, although it’s not easy. We are praying for you! 

Question: I’m a recovering addict to pornography as well as an ARP missionary. I did my recovery a little backward because I got called to be an ARP missionary, got inspired to make changes, and started working the steps. I feel like I’m fairly new to the 12 step recovery scene. My question is about “dailies”. I hear people talk about doing their dailies and I’m not exactly sure what they mean. I understand the importance of daily communion with God and meaningful scripture study but is there more that I’m missing? Can you explain what people mean when they talk about dailies?

Answer: What are Dailies? Why do addicts need them? How do I know if they are working? Normal people do dailies. They do not think about it. It is a part of their routine. We as addicts have gotten off track and the addiction has hijacked our brain. 

Dailies are activities that will help us connect to God. As addicts, we have disconnected from God because of our shame. He cares about the addiction because He knows that real connection is so much better. The dailies are a way for our brain to heal itself and help us stay on track. “Dailies are a temporary brake system to stay on track while their brain heals”.

The biggest thing about dailies that we need to remember is that they cannot be so rigid. We need a variety of ways to connect with God. Sure reading scriptures and saying prayers are great ways to connect, but they don’t always work. If we stay rigid, we will just go through the motions and fall right back into the addiction because our heart is not in it. Also, do not have too many dailies. If you get overwhelmed because of your dailies, you are not connecting. Connection is a big way we feel God’s love for us in the deepest of levels. If we don’t consciously strive to feel connected to His love daily, we will fall back into the addiction. 

We also need to remember that our bodies need rest and exercise. If we are not getting enough rest or exercise our brains do not function properly. Our brains need oxygen. Rest,  exercise and water are great ways to get oxygen to our brains. Our brains need these to heal the addiction. 

Bottom Line: We need three things to have successful dailies: creativity, excitement, and relaxation. 

Question: What are effective tactics in breaking the shame cycle? I understand that there's a difference between shame (I am bad) versus guild (I've done a bad thing) but I'm spinning my wheels trying to break free from shame. What have folks shared that you've found helpful on this aspect of addiction?

Answer: We must become an expert on shame to know how to deal with it. The cycle starts out with the control phase. The person is trying to get control of their life. Examples are cleaning, exercising, and getting healthy. Basically we want to manage the outcome. We will blame, placate (go with the flow), we are going to read the scriptures better and study harder. But that is too much to ask of anyone. It winds the person up and then they fall.

When we fail, we are taken to the release phase. The release phase is where all the addiction comes out. Lacking self-control, acting out, are all part of the release phase. That is where all the shame comes into play. When we have shame we decide that we are going to do better and try harder. This is a setup. Nobody will be able to withstand this cycle.

James and Chris talk about how they broke the shame cycle by understanding who God was and how much compassion Heavenly Father has for each and every one of us.  When they saw that Heavenly Father wanted to love them without boundaries, they started to have self-compassion. 

If we are looking to manage the outcome, we must let go of that. Shame hates exposure but honesty is the only way out of shame. Learning not to manage outcome is the way into true freedom. When we do that, we are ready for the next step.

The final step is figuring out what healthy shame is. Learning this and applying it to help us want to change through asking for help or clarification on something is extremely freeing. Then, we must ask ourselves where this came from? It came from how we were growing up. We needed to manage how people viewed us. It was a way to survive. Todd equates the vulnerability and letting go of control as a form of a death experience. It is scary but it is worth it.

We hope this helped answer your questions and again commend the courage of our anonymous question answers for helping all of us in recovery with their vulnerability. Thank you!

Our Best Recovery Resource: The Warrior Heart Retreat

“I’ve always been a box checker and thought that I could earn my way into Heaven. Any time you try to earn your way to Heaven, you fall short and the shame and guilt come rushing in.” - Aaron

“I thought it was going to be a sharing or a therapy thing, but it wasn’t that way at all.” - Mike Blake

“My wife told me, ‘I love the man you become when you come home from retreat’. It is so worth it.” - Mike

“[Going up to the retreat] I learned that I am imprinting the image of God on [my wife and kids’] hearts from the way I am treating them.” - Sway

We have been extremely excited about promoting A Warrior Heart Boot Camp. What is it? You will have to listen to understand what it is and what it is not. If you want to know more about the accommodations and other questions you might have, please listen to this episode (click here) we did before. But before they get into the podcast, they have announced that an anonymous donor has donated a full free scholarship to the retreat (that’s $400)! To enter the giveaway you must: 1- Follow us on FaceBook and Instagram (@unashamedunafraid) 2-Tag 5 friends on the episode post 3- e-mail James@unashamedunafraid.com a brief e-mail about why you want to be considered. The podcast has four guests. Aaron, Mike “Blake”, Mike, and Sway. 

Aaron and Mike first heard about the retreat from their friend James who is a part of UnashamedUnafraid. James invited Aaron to come out to a “Band of Brothers (BoB)” meeting. BoB meetings are a continuation of the brotherhood at the retreat (click here). Aaron talks about what apprehensions he had about going to the retreat before he actually experienced it. It is not a therapy session.  It is a place where you are welcome. It is not a sales gimmick. It is a great place to get to know other men and feel like you are a part of something bigger than you. 

Aaron was also reminded of what he had learned while he was out in the mission field but quickly discredited what grace meant and felt like in his heart. He was reminded of the love that his Father in Heaven has for him. After the retreat, he has decided to work on being and feels like a better father, husband, brother, son, and friend. 

The next guest is “Mike Blake.” He has gone, as a participant to the retreat, three times. The first time he walked up the hill to register, he got one of the biggest hugs from an amazing guy named Chap. Mike “Blake” had a lot of anxiety or apprehension before he arrived at the retreat. Like Aaron discussed Mike “Blake” thought that he was going to be a loner and not really make any friends. “I thought it was going to be a sharing or a therapy thing, but it wasn’t that way at all.” He went to the retreat alone, but within the first few minutes he knew he was not alone at all.  He had an amazing experience at the retreat. He realized that God is so ready, willing and able to be there for him and everyone. He felt that he served an awesome mission that helped him “earn” his way to heaven. 

Mike has been James’ friend since they were kids. James kept asking him to come and Mike finally broke. Mike is different because he did not come from therapy and he was afraid that he was going to be lumped in with addicts. “I was kind of afraid that I was going to somehow be labeled with people that I didn’t belong with. Which was quickly dispelled. I wish I was as strong and as faithful as they are.”

Sway has been a recent guest on UnashamedUnafraid and he has been up to the retreat three times as well. Sway said, “My wife and I were separated at the time and it felt very selfish. In a way it was, but that is not a bad thing. Because those three days changed my life. It is now almost a requirement to go to the retreat.” Ultimately Sway was there for whatever adventure God wanted to take him on.

So what are the takeaways from the retreat for these four different men? Everyone echoed this takeaway. Getting validation from the people in your life and not from God is the wrong way to live life. Obviously, the people we associate with will validate us most of the time, but they can also invalidate us because none of us are perfect. But getting validation from God is exactly where we need to get it. Our wives, girlfriends, friends, brothers, sisters and parents will not fully give us the validation we so desperately need. And it is too big of a burden to have for anybody. Also, that God really does love each and every one of us and how much we need to rely on Him. 

Sway added one more when he said, “I am imprinting the image of God on [my wife and kids’] hearts from the way I am treating them.” This can be a very positive or detrimental experience. It all depends on the type of father (or mother) we had to form our version of reality. Bottom line, Aaron, Mike “Blake”, Mike, and Sway (and the members of UnashamedUnafraid) endorse “A Warrior Heart” retreat. This will change your life if you dare to let it. If you choose not to go, you will never know what you are missing. You might regret not learning the true heart of God. There are three cores of a man’s heart: a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue. We invite you to come on the retreat and learn from God about these core desires of the heart. 

The Story of Us: Richard and Becky's Recovery Story

“I never hated myself more than when I was being dishonest.” - Richard

“Healthy boundaries are not about controlling his behavior, it is about me feeling safe.” - Becky

Richard and Becky's story is an amazing story of honesty, creating boundaries, finding God, and ultimately the path of healing and hope. Richard does a great job of talking about how he has found acceptance with God even though he’s not perfect. Becky shares how she has been able to support Richard while creating boundaries and safety for her own healing.   

Richard grew up in a home that was very difficult to feel connection and affection. His mother did not hug him because she felt it was too sexually charged and so he could never really feel safe. His dad was not affectionate either, because he probably was on the autism spectrum. His dad was very distant. He also experienced bullying and didn’t feel like he could get help or support. His mother only heightened his curiosity about porn by telling him that it is very easy to find porn on the internet, so be careful. This opened the door of exposure. 

Combine that with how Becky grew up with an emotionally and mentally abusive father and you have an unsafe environment for both of them. Becky was also molested by a neighbor and she talks about how she masked her feelings by being the perfect student and child. She did not want to rock the boat.

When Richard and Becky started dating in high school, Richard actually confided in her about his porn and masturbation addiction.  At seventeen years old, they were longing for connection and it helped Richard to actually be honest for once. Richard ended up going on an LDS mission and came back and they got married seven weeks after he returned from his mission.

Richard was hardly ever there for her in the beginning of their life together. He was supposed to be going to class but instead would skip and act out. When Becky needed him most, that was when he seemed to be the most distant. They tried to go to counseling about 17 years ago. However, at the time therapists were only concerned about helping people with drug and alcohol addictions. They had no idea how to help with sex addictions.

It was a few years later when Richard and Becky found an answer to both of their prayers. They started to find resources in therapy, 12 step, books, and other resources to start on their recovery path. There have been a lot of different things that they have challenged, questioned, prayed about, gotten help, and started to change. Becky really needed the boundaries to feel safe. She realized this after a few years of her own therapy and learned that she could not control him with the boundaries. Richard found huge healing in reframing his relationship with God and realizing that God loved him even when he isn’t perfect. This was a big shift when we started inviting God to carry the burden of his addiction instead of Becky. He also started to find supportive relationships with other men, which was a big change for him. Another big change was Richard embracing being constantly honest. He has worked on being honest and open while Becky as worked on being able to hold space and have boundaries to support him.  

They have both realized their need for a Savior and connection to Him. Richard said that he never would have thought he would consider Christ as his friend, but he does now. Becky and Richard and Becky are still on their recovery journey and healing but shared that being in recovery has definitely been worth it. Even when there are days that are not so good. Please listen to their heartwarming story of betrayal and redemption despite having several other areas (like we all have) to work on with Christ infused in their marriage.

“If we are honest, we can get through anything.” - Becky

Recommend Resources:

Richard

"Fathered by God" by John Eldredge

Warrior Heart Bootcamp

Self-compassion

EMDR

Emotion Code

Theophostic Prayer

SA Lifeline 12-Step

Becky

"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means

"Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Heart of a Woman Retreat

Self-care

KLOVE

Sway and Rachel’s Recovery Story

“Recovery has been hell, but it is absolutely worth it. It is 100 percent worth it. It is hellacious, and fear was the number one ruler in my life before I found freedom.” - Sway

“Women have the whole world come crashing down. Now that we are back together, there are days that are difficult. But, YES. I do think it has been really worth it.” - Rachel

(TS0:00-5:00) Introduction to the Podcast: Steve and Chris announce the winner of “The Heart of A Woman” retreat. Due to generous donations from several individuals and Leading Saints, UnashamedUnafraid is sending three women to the retreat. We at UnashamedUnafraid hope this retreat helps them in their healing and they will find a love from God they have never felt before. With that, Sway and Rachel Chavez tell their story. 

(TS5:30 - 15:20) Who is Sway? Sway was introduced to pornography through his best friend between the ages of 6 and 8 years old and was taught how to masturbate around that same time. Sway’s Dad was a workaholic and was unavailable. Sway feels this influenced his decisions to follow the paths he did. Sway feels he was on his own through life without any real parental guidance about how to build a relationship with Jesus Christ. In his home, the children were expected to go to church each week and go on a mission but there was no solid modeling in relationships and connection. Sway found counterfeit connection and validation with girlfriends, porn, and masturbation.

“I remember telling myself that I could stop at any time. And I realized through my recovery that my emotional intelligence was completely stunted at the age of 10 or 12 years old” - Sway

(TS15:30-22:16) Rachel’s Story - Rachel grew up in a home full of change and closeness. She moved around nine times between Kindergarten and sixth grade. Her family grew very close in their relationships with each other because that is all they had for consistency. Her mother was a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and her father was a Baptist. As a child, Rachel was encouraged to discover her own path of spirituality and religion. 

(TS22:30-29:00) Sway Enters the Picture - Sway and Rachel met in college. When Sway and Rachel met, all Sway talked about was his ex-girlfriends so the date was a let down for Rachel. However, Sway was persistent and continued to text Rachel and soon, they were married. Sway’s addiction got the better of him and he was unfaithful after about six months of being married.

“In my F-ed up brain, I said that it was all her and not me. After therapy and recovery, I realized it was all me!” - Sway

(TS29:30 - 44:30) Addiction after Marriage - In November 2012, Sway and Rachel lost their first child shortly after he was born. During that time, Sway was caught texting a former high school classmate. He blew it off and said it was nothing. Sway was lying and manipulating and Rachel was mourning the loss of their child alone. On September 13, 2016, Sway’s lies started to unravel and the truth was set free. Rachel had found his Apple Watch and Sway had been sending inappropriate texts to someone at work. Rachel demanded, “You tell me everything right now!” Sway remembers that in the Spring of 2016 he was hoping to get caught because his dual life was eating him up inside. It took Sway a better part of a month to come clean on his lies. With the truth finally out and Sway being willing to be accountable for his choices, true recovery started to happen. 

(TS46:00 - 55:11) Recovery and the Hell You Must Go Through - God blesses and helps us in our journey in many ways. One of the ways he blessed Sway and Rachel was with an amazing therapist named Corey Holmgren (“Chap”) who was speaking at a conference Sway attended. He knew he had found his guardian angel and one of God’s gifts of recovery for him. Chap helped both of them find a relationship with Christ on their own individual journeys. At first, Rachel couldn’t care less if the marriage lasted. She was just trying to be a good mom and wanted Sway to at least be a good dad. Ultimately, Chap helped save their marriage too.  Sadly, Chap passed away in an accident January of 2019. However, Sway still feels Chap’s influence in his life today. We had the privilege of recording 3 posts with Corey Holmgren about how to have healthy and connective sex (click here). Recovery and healing deepened for Sway when he started focusing on his love for his kids. He remembers one night looking at his son brushing his teeth in the bathroom and just loving him. “All of a sudden, Heavenly Father said, ‘This is just a taste of how much I love you.’” Sway had never felt that connection before.

(TS60:30 - 73:30) Sway and Rachel’s Marriage Now; Is Recovery Worth It? Sway and Rachel are a couple who have a healthy connection because they worked on themselves and set up secure/unbreakable boundaries for each other. For example, Sway goes out of town a lot so they have a five-minute rule. Sway has to contact Rachel within 5 minutes of her calling or texting him. Rachel also realizes that she cannot control him and does not want to. Sway has to be the one invested in his own recovery. That is the only way it will work!

Is recovery worth it to Sway? An absolute YES! It may be hellacious and the most difficult journey he has been on, but Sway is free. Rachel says that it is worth it; however, there are still days or moments that are triggering. How does Sway stay in recovery? He reaches out to his friends (who became his family) instead of reaching to his addiction. He reads books like, “Wild at Heart” by John Eldredge and others that have influenced him to gain a personal relationship with Heavenly Father. 

If you have been inspired or convicted by this podcast, please share it. It could be the first step of a new life in Christ and a deeper relationship with Him.

Sway & Rachel’s recommended resources:

Buy on Amazon

Buy on Amazon

Heal Betrayal Trauma: The Heart of a Woman Retreat

At Unashamed Unafraid we know that women go through a lot. The Heart of a Woman Retreat can be a powerful tool to help women heal. This year we decided to give back in our small way by sponsoring one woman to go on the retreat this year. Find out how below! Heart of a Woman is a retreat produced by women for women. It is a three-day event starting on a Thursday and ending on a Saturday. It is held in Wanship, Utah (near Park City, Utah). The retreat is unlike anything you have ever experienced. Melanie started the Heart of a Woman retreat in 2010. It is the women’s version of the Warrior Heart Retreat for men. Melanie brought Lindsay and Becky on with her to discuss how their betrayal trauma affects their relationship with God, what the retreat is/isn’t, what to expect, and why it is different from therapy or a vacation. 

“Looking back, I wish I had gone two years prior. I kind of mourn a little bit about not going sooner.” - Becky

“What I did not know coming in was that my relationship with Him [Heavenly Father] needed to be healed in order for me to give Him my heart to allow Him to heal me.” - Lindsay

(TS 13:45 - 15:45) Both Becky and Lindsay share a common theme of betrayal trauma from being married to husbands who are in recovery from addiction to pornography. They both said that the men in their lives hurt them and they could not be trusted. Although they have different stories both were left after these life experiences feeling like they couldn’t trust God either. (TS 23:50 - 24:30) 

(TS 25:17 - 26:20) How did you come to realize that your relationship was broken with God? 

Lindsay remembers talking with James about the frustrations and hurt and telling him about the anger she was feeling towards God. It wasn’t until the retreat that she realized just how broken her relationship with God was. (TS 26:40 - 28:00) Becky saw people who were at peace and it did not matter how many meetings she attended, how many people she talked to, or how many therapy sessions she went to, she could not find peace. She realized she was using distractions and stuff to fill the hole in her heart but did not feel at peace.   

(TS 30:45 - 33:00) Why does this event work for someone trying to come out of betrayal trauma?

“Betrayal trauma is one of Satan’s big tools that he uses to hurt women and he tells us that we will not be loved and we will never be enough.” - Becky

This retreat explains Satan’s tactics and shows all women that there is someone who will fight for them! God loves you right now, right where you are. He will fight for you with His whole heart! NO MATTER WHAT! This is what changed Becky and her recovery.

(TS 34:00 - 41:00) Why do I have to come to the retreat?

The presentations (10 sessions) set up the opportunity for the women to ask really vulnerable and intimate questions of themselves and to God in personal reflection. It is something that you cannot recreate on your own. The retreat is a very relaxed setting and is for each person to get what they were supposed to get from God. There is no pressure for a woman to share her story. It is not a therapy session. It is a time for women to get away from the routine of their lives and reconnect to their Father in Heaven. It is also a time for them to get pampered and not worry about everything at home. It is a place where women can truly mourn with those who mourn and to give other women permission to mourn. 

(TS 41:30 - 48:00) What keeps women from coming up? 

Lindsay said it well when she stated that everything boils down to fear. They are afraid of feeling inadequate and not accepted. They don’t want to be alone in just another place. The awesome thing is, they are not alone from about two minutes after getting to the retreat. They also might be afraid that God is waiting for them. There might also be some apprehension that the women will come back and change religions or feel pressure to radically change but that is not the case. This retreat only enhances the belief in God and gives them ammunition to fight the adversary’s lies. Also, it might be scary but the retreat is not weird. (TS 60:00 - 62:00) - The retreat is not about anyone else but the person attending. There should be no expectations and no pressure.

(TS 62:05 - 67:00) Where do we go from here?

Information for the retreats:

1. Dates: October 10 - 12 (Thursday 10:00 am - Saturday 6:30 pm)

2. Registration starts at 10:00 am on Thursday

3. Signup @: theheartofawoman.net, Facebook: theheartofawoman, Instagram: theheartofawoman.

4. There are cabins and yurts - Accommodations are comfortable and you are not roughing it.

5. Delicious meals, flushing toilets, showers, and bunk beds.

6. Use the code “unashamed” at checkout for a $50 discount!

UnashamedUnafraid Giveaway!

Here is what you have to do for a chance to attend the Heart of a Woman Retreat for FREE:

1. Like us on Facebook (unashamedunafraid)

2. Tag 5 people in our Instagram Post (unashamedunafraid)

3. Email James at james@unashamedunafraid.com and tell us in one paragraph why you are the one who should be chosen. 

If this message has inspired you and you know that others can benefit from this, please pay it forward and share!

Ep 6 - Anonymous Questions Answered: Resentment

How much courage does it take to send us an open question like this? I want to commend our anonymous question submitter for such great courage! Your question is likely a question many have. We hope this helps and we want you to know that you are also helping others by submitting your question. 

In this episode we address a question which is centered around resentment. Resentment is a stumbling block in recovery we all have to face. But it isn’t insurmountable. It can be overcome. Steve, James and his wife Kristy talk about their personal experiences with and opinions about  resentment, forgiveness, self-compassion, validation, and more. If you have an anonymous question, please submit it here.

The Question: I came across your podcast on Spotify recently and binge-listened to all of your podcast episodes at work. I loved them so much and I appreciate the mission you’re seeking to accomplish through this forum by helping people feel unashamed about addiction recovery and unafraid to let Christ take the pain for us. 

I am a single 20-year-old man living in Utah and I have struggled with porn addiction since I was 10 years old. When I was 17 I went through rigorous recovery efforts so I could be worthy to be an LDS missionary and succeeded (I left for the mission field in May of 2018), but had to return home early after 2 months because of the severe anxiety and depression I had not fully healed from in my addiction recovery efforts. It absolutely crushed me to come home early and many of my friends didn’t know how to help me during this difficult time. My loneliness hit an all time high, and my depression became even more extreme during the next 6 months of being home. Consequently I’ve fallen heavily back into porn addiction, and I am going through addiction recovery again. It feels like a whole new ballgame compared to when I last went through rigorous addiction recovery efforts.

A big driving factor I have for my addiction is resentment towards everyone around me - for the mistakes my parents made raising me, for my friends who have left me behind and hanging out to dry, and to almost anyone around me who doesn’t notice how lonely and depressed I am, despite them professing to be followers of Christ and pledging to help all those in need. Struggling with porn addiction, along with anxiety/depression is an incredibly lonely path, and I easily get resentful towards those around me who don’t recognize how to help me. My question is, how can I let go of that resentment? My biggest fear about being honest and completely open about my addiction recovery is that I risk getting hurt more by people around me, thus giving me even more “reason” to have resentment towards those around me. But this resentment is really holding me back in my recovery, and I want to heal. What would you suggest to someone in my situation? 

I look forward to hearing back from you, thanks for all the amazing work you’re doing. I am convinced that it was God’s hand in my life to happen upon this forum. 

Answer: First, we want to validate that you are likely not getting the help you need from friends, family, and your church community. You probably are getting shamed for coming home early from your mission and other cultural boxes you haven’t checked. The reason why friends and others in your life likely aren’t showing up for you is they lack the capacity to do so. They probably just don’t know how to help you and show up in the way you need. However, that doesn’t mean your pain is less real or less relevant. Have self-compassion for the difficulty you are going through. This needs to be acknowledged. Todd Olson, Steve’s therapist, says, “It happened, it hurt, and it mattered”. 

Holding onto resentment is like withholding forgiveness and it only hurts you. Having resentment toward your friends isn’t hurting your friends, it’s hurting you. You can move through your resentment and heal with God whether those around you change or not. James had to challenge his resentment with consistent forgiveness again and again and over time the resentment slowly faded. Becoming free of resentment is not like a light switch. A book that helped James overcome resentment was Viktor Frankl’s “Man's Search for Meaning”.

“The antidote to fear is faith, the antidote to anger is love, and the cure for resentment is acceptance of what happened in the past.”  - Kristy  

The glue that is securing your resentment in place is your need for validation from these people. As Lecrae said in his book, “If you live for their acceptance, you’ll die by their rejection”. God is the only person who can validate the wounds that have formed into resentment. Even if your friends, family, and church members come and validate you it won’t be enough to change your addiction, depression, or anxiety.

We suggest these steps (Basically step 8 of the 12 steps):

1. Write it down. What hurt, what happened, and how it affected you. 

2. Self Inventory. What could you have done differently? Have you made any mistakes in the process? Anything you can change that is contributing to the problem?

“Forgiveness is to abandon all hope of a better past.”  

Usually, when we have hard feelings towards someone else, we have those same hard feelings towards ourselves. If you are like most of the addicts we know you don’t have self-compassion, but self-loathing and self-contempt. It would be worth an honest conversation with Christ about why you might be resentful with yourself. Do you want to kick this conversation off to a big start? Come to the Warrior Heart Retreat. Taking things like this are what this retreat is all about. God will show up. We invite you to come. You expressed worrying about getting hurt more if you reach out. Pray and ask for God to put people in your life that will be safe for you to be vulnerable with and seek God’s guidance on this. He will put people in your life who are safe and can support you (So come to the retreat!). There is no neutral. You will have community and influences around you no matter what. And if you don’t proactively choose your community then the adversary will. James talks about regretting that there were good men in his life that would have supported him (and he could have supported) if he would have just reached out.    

Resentment is hard. Also, it is usually a secondary emotion. One part of resentment may be tied to being “right”. Usually, resentment is not about resentment but something deeper that is hurting you that you likely have some fear around. Maybe you feel like you’ve failed? Maybe you don’t feel like you're enough? Or you feel unworthy of love and belonging?

We know you have been wounded and it matters. You are worthy and you are enough. Go to God to get validated on these wounds and don’t wait for the people in your life to come to you. Your past and life experiences have painted a picture of who God is that is not true. Reach out to him for validation. We hope this was helpful and we know you have helped others with your courage so we thank you!  

Resources:

Buy on Amazon

Buy on Amazon

Buy on Amazon

Paul's Recovery Story - From Bars to Bow Ties

“I thought if I showed people what I wanted them to see in me, they would deny that I was a child molester. Plus, I did not think of myself as one. I was in denial. The best thing that could have ever happened to me was to be on the front page of the newspaper and I am grateful it did. How many people can say that about their addictions?”

• Paul

At UnashamedUnafraid we know this is a very sensitive and tough situation to be talking about. You may have a very visceral reaction to listening to this podcast. We hope you walk away considering just how far-reaching Christ’s atonement really is and know that no matter who you are or what you’ve done there is always hope for healing and redemption.

Paul lives in a small town. If you have ever been part of a small town community, you know that everyone knows everything about each other; whether they want it known or not. Paul grew up going to church with his parents on Sundays and it appeared that his life was full of good Christian values. He went to Bible School, and did all the “right things”. He did not realize that his life was not a life in Christ. 

Paul was first exposed to pornography in elementary school but it did not take over his life until years later. Like most teenagers, he felt that he was not enough and less than everyone around him. While in college, he met his first wife. She was not religious and he soon found himself going to church only sporadically and started questioning whether or not he believed in God. Paul had an affair before his first anniversary. His wife ended up leaving him and their daughter for one of her co-workers, ending his first marriage. During this time, he earned a degree in teaching and landed a job as a high school teacher.

Reeling from his divorce, Paul met Bev at the high school where he worked. She would talk with him about how wonderful God was and how much she needed Him in her life. Soon Paul realized that God was missing from his life, he started attending church and he fell in love and married Bev.

Bev had a daughter who was in Jr. High and Paul chose to start molesting her. He tried to cover up his actions by telling her that he might have been asleep or did not know what he was doing. Paul told Bev about the incident and painted himself as an innocent person. He continued to justify his predatory behavior by lying to himself that his stepdaughter was just a rebellious kid. Paul worked hard at a dual life to make sure he looked like a great teacher, pious churchgoer, and solid community member to cover up his actions. 

At this point, Paul began to spend hours downloading porn, fueling his lust. He was the girls soccer coach for the Jr. High and High School team and he would travel with the girls. Paul would make sure everyone knew he would get off the bus while the girls were changing to cover up his dual life and feed his justification and denial. 

Paul’s stepdaughter reported him to the police but it was her word against his, which made it difficult for the police to prosecute him. Despite his stepdaughter coming forward, Paul found he was very good at deflecting the truth about himself by telling people his stepdaughter was making a lot of bad choices in her life. Later, when Paul molested a girl from the soccer team and she reported him there was enough evidence to bring charges against Paul which led to his arrest in 2000. 

Six months into his prison sentence Paul was ready to truly start on a path of trusting God. His first step was being honest. He called Bev and told the truth about everything for the first time. He wrote letters to everyone he knew, confessing to his actions and his lies. Along with honesty, he also wanted to be accountable. Paul decided to call his step-daughter and told her he wanted to own the truth of the abuse. He told her that he wanted to be accountable and honest with everyone about what had happened. He had Bev on that phone call because he wanted his stepdaughter to know he wasn’t lying and manipulating any more and truly wanted accountability. This was the start of Paul’s recovery. 

Upon being released from prison Paul tried to reintegrate into the town’s churches and they shunned him. He eventually found a pastor that would allow him into their congregation. Soon, the head pastor asked him to share his story and he agreed, after which, Paul was expecting to be shunned from this church too. Instead, Paul was approached by a guy who hosted a 12-step recovery group and Paul decided to go. He attended regularly and found hope, healing, and change in his life. 

A major part of Paul’s recovery and healing is the relationship with his step-daughter. Paul remains accountable and open with his step-daughter. Over the course of many years, she has found healing from Paul’s abuse and has forgiven Paul. Fast forward 14 years to today, Paul has an active relationship with his stepdaughter and her family.

Paul has found healing through the acceptance of Jesus Christ and his atoning sacrifice. He describes his recovery as one day at a time and one grace moment with God to the next. With his stepdaughter's and Bev’s support, he continues to share his journey of hope and healing with everyone he meets. He teaches in a prison ministry and co-hosts the Mess It Up Podcast as the “Bow Tie Guy” where they “turn your mess into a message”. Paul said, “The best thing that could have ever happened to me was to be on the front page of the newspaper” because it exposed the lies he had been living for years and started him on the road to recovery.

Ep 5 - Anonymous Questions Answered

 We have had some great questions submitted. I again want to commend those who had the courage to reach out and be vulnerable. Truly a great example of being Unashamed and Unafraid! We had a great group to answer these questions. I was joined by Sherie Christensen, MFT along with James and Kristy who shared their recovery story with us last year and my wife Kayla (super excited! It was her first time on!). Questions in this episode deal with how to do disclosure, support a struggling spouse, and how to get long distance resources.   

Question: I wanted to thank you for the blogs and resources. I heard your story from a podcast featured on LeadingSaints. I can sort of relate. I struggle with addiction to pornography and nicotine. These have been my struggles for the last 26 years. I have tried the ARP 12 step program quite a few times over the last 12 years. I have had moments of sobriety, but never recovery. Still struggling. I am currently attending ARP. Have been for a few months now. Made it to 74 days of sobriety until crash and burn. Now I am struggling to get back on the horse to try again. I would like to know how to find hope. I have lost any and all. I don’t feel like I can find recovery ever. I go to church and am totally numb. Just numb. This is affecting my marriage, our family. My sponsor says to pray. The bishop keeps giving me talks to read. I feel like the intentions mean well, but the responses seem to piss me off. My wife says my addict brain and ego are probably reacting. Pride, I struggle with pride too. I live in Maryland. LDS resources are more limited. Non-Mormon counselors don’t think porn addiction or nicotine addiction is necessarily a huge issue. How can Christ work in my life? I don’t feel worthy of His help and don’t think it will work. I don't see myself as a changed person. I carry a ton of shame. Any words of advice?

 

Answer: James can relate to how you don’t feel worthy of help, not sure it will work, and you don’t see yourself as a changed person. James struggled with this for over 20 years, so he can relate to that deeply unworthy and hopeless place. You aren’t alone in your feelings. One resource that could help is finding a Christian counselor. Sherie suggested connecting with a group out of Utah and do online therapy (Skype or Facetime). Sherie does online counseling and so do several of the groups on our resources page. Hearing other men’s stories has always been my big hope boost (so subscribe! Haha).  For James, understanding that he had an addiction helped him dive into all resources for addictions and then applying them to his sexual addiction. One of the biggest paradigm shifting resources for James was Brene Brown and her research on shame. Also create support through family, church, and therapy all of which can happen on the phone! You’re not too far away!

“I remember being so pissed off when people would be like, ‘Here’s a talk I heard it’s really going to change your life’. We’ve all been there and felt those feelings and we want to love and support you” – Kayla

“There is no chasm dark or cave so scary that Christ cannot reach in and pull you out. There is always hope… It truly is for everybody.” - Kristy           

 

Question: I’m 40 years old and have struggled with an addiction to pornography/sex for the past 25 years.  I’ve been following your blog and listening to the recovery stories and they give me so much hope. I was sorry to hear about your struggles last year. I have had similar struggles. About 8 years ago I was disfellowshipped from the church after coming clean and confessing everything to my wife and bishop. I don’t know why my wife chose to stay but she did. She truly sees things in me that I can’t see.

About a year after being brought back into full fellowship I acted out again with someone I met on Craigslist and instead of being honest and confessing to my wife I chose to start lying and hiding everything. I was so ashamed of what I had done and couldn’t believe I was making the mistake I had repented of that I started to feel that all was lost and that this was just going to be part of me for the rest of my life.  I continued to see this woman off an on for about 6 years. Although we never had sex our relationship certainly was sexual.  I didn’t tell my wife and because I didn’t tell her I’ve struggled trying to overcome this all by myself.

This last year has been the worst. I have found myself going to massage parlors many times. I hate who I am and how I feel. I’m so tired of the double life I live. I wish I could just tell my wife and just be honest but I am such a coward. Sometimes I feel my family would be so much better off without me. Since I started listening to and following your blog I’ve heard so many stories of hope. I finally know and feel I need to tell my wife about everything regardless of what happens but I’ve never been so scared of anything in my life.

When you told your wife about everything from last year how did it go?  Was it worth it?  Did she want to leave you?  How was the disciplinary council and being excommunicated?  How was it on your wife and her family? I hate knowing that when I tell her I will cause even more pain because she thinks I’ve been in recovery all this time. I’m so tired of hurting my wife over and over. I’ve prayed so many times that Heavenly Father would guide me and help me to know the right time to tell her but I just don’t know how or when to tell her. Sorry for all the questions. Your blog has helped me to feel that if I could just be honest with her that maybe there still is hope for me after all.

Answer: Kayla shares how initially that she was extremely angry, but it has been worth it. I have tried in varying degrees to do recovery without being 100% honest. You can’t do recovery without being 100% honest. That is when God can really step into our lives. Kayla hasn’t wanted to leave me because she knows who I really am and that my addiction is not who I am. Kayla hates addiction and my decisions, but she described her feelings around this video (link) and how she hasn’t been ready for Satan to take our family.

Kristy talks about how she felt similar feelings with James and that God can heal their relationship. She also talked about how the lying is worse than the addiction. Being 100% honest gives your wife a choice and when you lie you have taken choice away from her. Our post on betrayal trauma (link) talks about all of this stuff a lot more and is worth a listen. Of the acting out and lying, most women will tell you the lying is the worse of the two evils.

Sherie talked about how honesty is key for the relationship, and honesty with self is also critically important. No matter how well your relationship is going without being 100% honest, it will be so much better if you are honest. Sherie also explained that if you are having a feeling about coming forward and being honest with your wife then the time is now. Now is always the right time. 

Being excommunicated has been a powerful experience for me and helpful. I wasn’t really in sync with my Stake President going into it, but afterward, as we meet together, I feel like we have really clicked, and I feel his love and support. I believe this is because I went into both of my church disciplines with an open and willing heart. The men who struggle with church discipline tend to be either still lying and not in recovery or they are more worried about being “fixed” and “done with this” instead of on their own journey with God. Not that there haven’t been church leaders that have made mistakes, but generally that has been my experience.

The last comment James made that is key is that you cannot fight this battle alone. No one finds recovery alone. He related (and so can I) to wasting years trying to fight alone and getting nowhere. Start building the team around you and God will help you.

Question: How should I approach watching R - rated movies after looking at pornography?

Answer: IMDB parental guide is a good resource to know what content the movie contains that James and Kristy use. I personally don’t rely on the world’s rating system to make spiritual choices. The other key I have learned is that you cannot negotiate with your addiction. If you are justifying as to why you can watch something then you are probably wrong. 

“Be willing to say no to the story. It’s just a story. There are a million stories out there” - Kristy

Question: My husband has been masturbating regularly. I confronted him about it and told him that it made me feel not loved and unimportant. He was defensive at first and told me we don't have sex enough but he said it wasn't an addiction and that he would stop. The defensiveness made me feel like it is an addiction but I decided to believe him and trust that he would do what he said. But he hasn't stopped and he has just gotten really sweet and affectionate especially after he masturbates. This just feels fake and like he is trying to cover up the fact that he is still masturbating. I'm sure he thinks he is hiding it from me but I can't pretend that it's not happening. I don't know how to tell him that this is a big problem. I'm afraid he will continue to deny that anything is wrong and just continue the behavior. He also has a huge fear of me leaving him so even the slightest hint at this being trouble for our marriage and it could cause more problems. How do I confront him in a way that he can recognize the problem, know that I love him and be willing to work on this?

Answer: His addiction is NOT your fault and it is NOT your job to fix it. It’s his job to fix his addiction. Your feeling and intuition is spot on and you should always trust them!

Sherie answers your question in a very direct way: How do you get him to change? You can’t. Separate out the real man that he is and the addict self that you keep seeing. Let him know that it is the real person that you want to be with. Then the biggest invitation to help him is to get help for yourself. You work on you and get your own healing and help. Kristy and Kayla talked about boundaries are something you need and must have. This will help you leave co-dependency. Kayla feels like in this last round she has figured this out more and she has found so much more happiness. When she does her own life that way it makes me want to work recovery so much more.    

Question: I was unfaithful to my wife of 30 years. She found out last July, I was secretly seeing online prostitutes and had been doing so for several years. She did not leave me and we are working to restore our marriage. We have been to a marriage intensive and a sexual biblical wholeness intensive. Needless to say, I have had porn and sexual addiction for most of my life. I have really been trying to work on my walk with Christ and to be transparent with my wife. My question is, How transparent is too transparent? I mean, I don't want to overwhelm her if and when I have a lustful thought or desire. Part of me thinks she shouldn't be the one that I put the weight of this on. I just stumbled across your website (A God thing I'm sure) your input is appreciated.

Answer: Sherie talks about how there can be too much information. She also shared that it really needs to be the spouse who decides what they want to know. There isn’t really a specific line around this. The spouse needs to avoid information that will be toxic and shaming. As the addict, you should just always be willing to be 100% honest and let her figure out what is safe for her. We also talked about how your wife cannot be the total dumping ground for you. You need to have sponsors or men in your life that know your story and can support you in those moments and in your story. Also, your disclosure may not be a single moment. She may have questions that come up later, or she may need to talk about it again. Just be open and honest and with patience you will create a lot of safety for her. 

Question: I ran into your website about 6 months ago right when my husband told me that he had not been honest our whole marriage and he had looked turned to pornography when our marriage got hard. He was also drinking to cope with marriage issues when he was on business trips. And because he was sure our marriage was about to end he thought about what the worst thing he could do, so he went to a strip club. This was all back in the fall. Your story, as well as other stories on your website, gave me so much hope in the months that followed. I still loved him and 100% believed that the Atonement could heal our marriage and both of us individually. We worked past that but I always felt like he wasn’t truly sorry. From what I have listened to your story and others, everyone had a grace moment or a rock bottom moment. He struggled a lot with feeling like he would ever make it to the celestial kingdom. On his mission he worked with counselors to overcome pornography and during his exit interview his Mission president asked him if he had overcome pornographer. It crushed him deeply to tell him no. When we were dating he told me about the pornography and I still married him because I knew that that didn’t change his worth. God still loved him and I thought that I would be able to help him. So a few months after everything came out in September we were still having issues. He wasn’t really connecting with me. He would go to a poker club to not have to deal with his feelings. I woke up one morning at 1:30 and he wasn’t home. He was still there. That triggered everything from the fall and I told him I was done. I couldn’t be with someone who would run to places like that every time his feelings were hurt. That was almost 3 weeks ago. Since we have separated. He told me he wanted to get divorced. I was still fighting for the marriage when he told me that he had viewed pornographers again and had gone to a strip club again. This was last week. This isn’t who he is. I know he is struggling with feeling worthy. I believe he is pushing me away because he doesn’t feel like he is a good choice. We have two beautiful little girls. I’m hurting because Satan has him right where he wants him. How do I reach him? What can I do? I still want our marriage to work. I have seen the miracles in your story and I pray God will give him a grace moment. Can you help me understand what he might be going through? 

Answer: James and I know exactly what he is going through. He is hurting and he doesn’t know how to deal with that pain. He is looking in unhealthy places to numb out that pain and cover it. This is because he hates who he is. Him pushing you away is evidence that he doesn’t believe he is worthy of you or your girls. You are right, Satan has convinced him that he doesn’t have worth and that the mistakes he has made are who he is. It’s a lie, but he’s buying it. That is what keeps him in the pain and afraid to be honest and ask for help. He’s so convinced of these lies that reaching out seems hopeless. He is hopeless and needs hope.

Similar to the other question above, your love for him is awesome. You do know who he is really is. However, you can’t change him. It’s not your job and like above you need help for you. Helping yourself is the best way you can help him. You can be happy and have peace no matter what he does or doesn’t do.

Kayla talks about my last disclosure (which I would argue is the worst acting out I’ve ever done) and how it was different. It was the first time that she saw me in my truly lowest low. It helped her understand that she was in a relationship with someone who has his own problem. It’s not her problem. Kayla shared how what I always say is true… That although I as the addict am sick, I’ve thrown up all over Kayla. Yes, I need to get healed from my illness, but if she doesn’t clean the vomit off herself it will always stink and affect her life.

Kristy shares that in her group therapy she saw couples where the addict was dragged to therapy and didn’t want to be there. Kristy references when you shared that you know he hasn’t ever really been sorry. God will come and rescue him, but your husband must be willing to be rescued. God wants you to be happy and have an amazing life for you. It’s not your job to live a life of misery waiting for him. God’s path for you might be divorce and you should remain open to that. Be empowered and find recovery for yourself and follow God’s inspiration for you on your marriage.    

Question: Hi thanks so much for all the stories and resources you share on your website! I'm a recovering sex addict. I'm looking for CSAT therapists or any professional that can help me work the steps and help my wife cope with my recovery. Any suggestions? I live in Austin, Texas and I'm willing to do online meetings if needed. Any general guidance would be great. 

Answer: Kristy and all of us just think you are amazing that you are revved up for recovery! Way to battle for your heart and your wife’s heart! One general guideline that has helped me with therapy is to talk to the therapist about what they believe they can do to help and what tools they will use. Any therapist worth their salt will be able to give you general guidelines. I experienced this with individual therapy and Kayla and I experienced this with the couple therapist we eventually found as well.

Sherie talked about how the therapist works for you, not the other way around. If there is a personality problem, or lack of progress, or not the right tools then keep looking. If it feels like progress keep going. If it feels like a waste of time, it probably is. Trust your judgment.

James talks about having some different types of resources around you and your wife: group therapy, 12 step, church support, good friends who know your story, family, individual and couples therapy, good books, and more. God will guide you and your wife on your journey and you will feel inspired about the right resources as you seek them out.

I again just want to say the courage that it takes to share your stories and your questions is amazing. I hope we have connected you with resources that can help and that, in our sharing, you know that we are with you. You are not alone and many of us have experienced what you are going through and are with you. Reach out, reach up and remember you are worth it and there is always hope!

Resources mentioned:

Sherie Christensen, MFT

Link to Sherie’s Boundaries Course:

How to find a CSAT (or other) therapist near you:

Groups out of Utah who will do long-distance FaceTime/Skype Sessions:

Video Kayla mentioned:

Our Post on Betrayal Trauma mentioned:

Boundaries book mentioned by Kristy:

Boundaries in Marriage

By Henry Cloud, John Townsend

Movie Steve & James recommend for men feeling hopeless:

(Heart of Man is available on most streaming services if you don’t want to buy the dvd)

Wild at Heart Retreats Mentioned: