Why Sex Won’t Solve a Porn Problem

After the reality of my undisclosed pornography use surfaced in our marriage, it was natural for us to wonder if more or improved sexual intimacy could be the solution. But as many men find out the hard way, it doesn’t work like that. The truth is, while many relationships are strained with legitimate challenges around frequency and quality of sexual intimacy, porn use is typically not about these issues. Instead, the issue is likely rooted in what I’ll call lust, along with the reasons behind its use.

Lust Defined

To clarify, I’ve come to use the terms lust and desire to draw a distinction. In this distinction, desire is what leads to healthy sexual intimacy in my marriage where authentic sexuality fosters intimacy and connection in addition to pleasure. Lust, on the other hand, distorts intimacy and connection which is why it acts as a gateway to porn - a sexual experience free of these healthy elements. And it turns a partner into just another way to feed a craving. One man described it this way,

“I can't have true union with my wife while lust is active because she as a person really doesn't matter; she's even in the way; she's merely the sexual instrument.”(Sexaholics Anonymous White Book. Chapter: Lust - The Force Behind the Addiction)

Lust is more about obsessive admiration and fantasy than authentic sexuality. It’s similar to hyperfocus, intrusive thoughts, and other unhealthy obsessions. They all have negative mental health consequences and ultimately manifest in destructive ways.

As is common, my lust and subsequent porn use were obsessive because they were serving as an immediate and effective method of numbing difficult emotions. It’s much like the misuse of food, alcohol, or drugs. That’s why trying to “outdo” porn can be like offering a box of donuts to someone struggling with their diet. It’s not eating that’s unhealthy, it’s eating the wrong things. It’s not sex that’s unhealthy, it’s using sex to compete with porn.

Partners of those using porn often try competing out of a misplaced sense of obligation, fearing that if they don’t, their loved one will return to porn. But this risks deepening a disconnect in the relationship as trust and respect slowly erode and resentment builds.

Instead, the healthy approach is to foster a relationship based on genuine emotional connection, offering love and support while encouraging their partner’s efforts to break free from lust and porn use.

Overcoming

There’s a hard truth that's been recognized for centuries: real transformation often requires the sacrifice of something we’ve grown to love and rely on. Overcoming my unwanted porn use was no exception. I had to give up lust. The realization had a shocking impact on me. I’d been clinging to ideas like “I can lust like a gentleman” and “Fantasizing is a harmless part of my sexuality”. But after time, and some brutal internal battles, I did accept that the sacrifice was necessary. And it was then that the chains began to fall away. It started with ownership - embracing honesty, seeking support, and facing the difficult emotions I’d been trying to escape. Controlling my thoughts (and my eyes) became powerful tools for attacking lust and the pull of porn at their roots.

Still, like many before me, I found that self-control only got me so far. The habits were too ingrained and powerful to resist indefinitely. I had to surrender the pride that had me relying on my own strength and reach out for God's deliverance. The good news that ultimately freed me was that as overpowering as lust and porn can feel, it’s no match for the grace and transformation God offers.

By Ty, Writing Team

I Am Not Worthy

Recently I was reading some journal entries that I wrote about thirteen years ago. One of the entries was describing my frustration after a relapse, and the me of today couldn’t help but cringe at the things I wrote back then. To put it briefly, the old me was a very devoted adherent of the “Try Harder Gospel.”

“Try Harder Gospel” is a term I was introduced to at my first Bootcamp. The basic idea is that some of us respond to our moral failures by trying to knuckle down harder. We try to grit our way into changing our hearts. My own “Try Harder Gospel” was full of the belief that if I just prayed more sincerely, if I spent more time serving, or if I gave more to charity…then I’d be rewarded with the personality and behaviors that I’d always wanted. Then God would change my heart, and save me, because I had finally done enough. That never did work, though. As my fellow-writer Ty described so accurately in last week’s Inspiration message, “we fall into an exhausting cycle - always striving but never feeling enough.”

Most of my work in early recovery was simply recognizing and letting go of this false belief system. I had to do this so that there would finally be enough room for God’s love to enter my heart. When that love did come rushing in, I discovered what grace really meant! As a result, I am now a firm believer in the dangers of perfectionism and never want to go back to living that way.

But perfectionism isn’t the only dangerous extreme.

The fact is, the pendulum swings both ways, and just like it can swing beyond self-improvement into perfectionism, it can swing beyond self-acceptance into justification. So, even as I recognized my perfectionism, and pulled away from that extreme, I had to make sure that I didn’t overcorrect into justification.

To be perfectly honest, sometimes I do hear comments in group and recovery that make me cringe, because they seem to come from that place of overcorrection. These are statements like, “I’m already enough,” and “God loves me just the way I am.”

Those assertions certainly sound nice and positive, but I believe that there is a sneaky lie inside of them. Not only do they encourage complacency, they even diminish the miracle of God’s love. See, if I spend my time affirming to myself that I’m already perfect, that I’m just how I’m supposed to be, that I’m already worthy of every good thing, then what do I need God for? I’m squeezing out any room for His grace just the same as a perfectionist does with his shame. Perfectionism and justification are two sides of the same coin. Both are based on needing to be enough by myself, not requiring grace, being able to do this on my own.

Perfectionism tells me the lie that “God can’t love me because I don’t deserve it,” and justification tells me the lie that “God loves me because I’m owed it.” Both of those mindsets prevent me from appreciating the true miracle that “God loves me…and I don’t deserve it.”

That is the miracle I’ve lived ever since I felt God’s love enter my heart at the beginning of recovery. Not a sense that I am entitled to God’s love, but rather that He loves me even though I’m still not worthy and not enough. That’s how great His love is! It’s baffling and illogical, but undeniable! He pulls me to Him even though I deserve to be pushed away. He gives me mercy even though I deserve to be punished. He makes me feel hope even though I deserve to fear.

That’s the God that I need to believe in. That’s a God that I can have awe in. Not a God who hates me because of my shame, nor a God who loves me because I’m already perfect just the way I am. A God who loves me even when I feel least worthy of it.

So I will try to walk this line as I continue in my recovery. I’m not going to flagellate myself for making mistakes, but neither am I going to stop trying to be better. I’m not going to turn away God’s love, but neither am I going to stop being surprised when it comes. I will accept that I have inherent worth, but not that I’m inherently worthy. I have work to do, a journey to walk, and a heart to change, but I will be loved all along the way because God is good and God is worthy.

By Abe, Writing Team

The Way Forward Through a Relationship with God

The Struggle with Unworthiness

The Unashamed Unafraid podcast recently shared the powerful story of Nick and Anja, a couple who have navigated significant personal challenges. Their journey highlights the deep-seated struggle with feelings of unworthiness that many of us can relate to.

Like Nick, it’s easy to believe that past mistakes or current struggles make us unworthy of love. And like Anja, difficult feelings can stem from our perceptions of our physical attributes or limitations. These feelings of inadequacy can cloud our view of God and ourselves, leading us to believe that we are somehow not good enough.

God Sees Us Differently

Many, like Nick, grow up believing they must earn God’s love or prove their worthiness. Nick’s and Anja’s struggles illustrate how easily we fall into an exhausting cycle - always striving but never feeling enough - which can numb us and disconnect us from life and others. But God’s love isn’t based on performance. He isn’t waiting for us to fix ourselves before accepting us. He sees our failings and shortcomings and still reaches out with love and acceptance.

Entering a Relationship with God

God lovingly invites us into a relationship where we can rest in His unconditional love. Yet, misunderstandings about His nature, expectations, and our own worthiness often hold us back. We must see Him not as a distant, watchful judge, but as the very embodiment of boundless, patient love. Yes, He is just—but through a relationship with Him, He offers us mercy and grace instead of the judgment we deserve.

A relationship with God is not entered by performance—it’s entered by faith. It begins with recognizing that we are wretched creatures in need of help. At the same time, we lean into His unconditional love and power to give us the help we need. Finally, in humility, hope, and curiosity, we reach out to Him for acceptance, nurture, protection, and transformation. When we do, we find comfort, peace, and joy—not because we have finally proven ourselves, but because we allow ourselves to receive what was always available.

When Nick prayed, he felt what he described as a "big warm hug"—a moment of peace, comfort, and love that reassured him he was accepted. This is what God longs for all of us to feel. Once we shift from trying to earn God’s love to simply receiving it, everything changes. The pressure to prove something disappears, and instead, we are freed to rest in God’s embrace.

A Relationship with God Changes the Way We Show Up in Life

When God’s love becomes the foundation of our identity, it transforms:

• How we see ourselves

• How we navigate challenges

• How we interact with others

Nick spent years trapped in shame—feeling unworthy and trying to compensate through effort. But when Warrior Heart bootcamp helped him step into his relationship with God, he began healing from a place of security rather than guilt. Freed from shame, he could finally move forward with hope.

For Anja, understanding God’s love helped her shift from feeling like a burden to knowing she was deeply loved just as she was. From that platform, she was able to support Nick—not from insecurity or codependency, but from compassion and strength. She could offer love freely, without feeling responsible for fixing him.

Relax with me into a relationship with God where He will ultimately change us, but where we’ll always be enough.

By Ty, Writing Team