I Am Not Worthy

Recently I was reading some journal entries that I wrote about thirteen years ago. One of the entries was describing my frustration after a relapse, and the me of today couldn’t help but cringe at the things I wrote back then. To put it briefly, the old me was a very devoted adherent of the “Try Harder Gospel.”

“Try Harder Gospel” is a term I was introduced to at my first Bootcamp. The basic idea is that some of us respond to our moral failures by trying to knuckle down harder. We try to grit our way into changing our hearts. My own “Try Harder Gospel” was full of the belief that if I just prayed more sincerely, if I spent more time serving, or if I gave more to charity…then I’d be rewarded with the personality and behaviors that I’d always wanted. Then God would change my heart, and save me, because I had finally done enough. That never did work, though. As my fellow-writer Ty described so accurately in last week’s Inspiration message, “we fall into an exhausting cycle - always striving but never feeling enough.”

Most of my work in early recovery was simply recognizing and letting go of this false belief system. I had to do this so that there would finally be enough room for God’s love to enter my heart. When that love did come rushing in, I discovered what grace really meant! As a result, I am now a firm believer in the dangers of perfectionism and never want to go back to living that way.

But perfectionism isn’t the only dangerous extreme.

The fact is, the pendulum swings both ways, and just like it can swing beyond self-improvement into perfectionism, it can swing beyond self-acceptance into justification. So, even as I recognized my perfectionism, and pulled away from that extreme, I had to make sure that I didn’t overcorrect into justification.

To be perfectly honest, sometimes I do hear comments in group and recovery that make me cringe, because they seem to come from that place of overcorrection. These are statements like, “I’m already enough,” and “God loves me just the way I am.”

Those assertions certainly sound nice and positive, but I believe that there is a sneaky lie inside of them. Not only do they encourage complacency, they even diminish the miracle of God’s love. See, if I spend my time affirming to myself that I’m already perfect, that I’m just how I’m supposed to be, that I’m already worthy of every good thing, then what do I need God for? I’m squeezing out any room for His grace just the same as a perfectionist does with his shame. Perfectionism and justification are two sides of the same coin. Both are based on needing to be enough by myself, not requiring grace, being able to do this on my own.

Perfectionism tells me the lie that “God can’t love me because I don’t deserve it,” and justification tells me the lie that “God loves me because I’m owed it.” Both of those mindsets prevent me from appreciating the true miracle that “God loves me…and I don’t deserve it.”

That is the miracle I’ve lived ever since I felt God’s love enter my heart at the beginning of recovery. Not a sense that I am entitled to God’s love, but rather that He loves me even though I’m still not worthy and not enough. That’s how great His love is! It’s baffling and illogical, but undeniable! He pulls me to Him even though I deserve to be pushed away. He gives me mercy even though I deserve to be punished. He makes me feel hope even though I deserve to fear.

That’s the God that I need to believe in. That’s a God that I can have awe in. Not a God who hates me because of my shame, nor a God who loves me because I’m already perfect just the way I am. A God who loves me even when I feel least worthy of it.

So I will try to walk this line as I continue in my recovery. I’m not going to flagellate myself for making mistakes, but neither am I going to stop trying to be better. I’m not going to turn away God’s love, but neither am I going to stop being surprised when it comes. I will accept that I have inherent worth, but not that I’m inherently worthy. I have work to do, a journey to walk, and a heart to change, but I will be loved all along the way because God is good and God is worthy.

By Abe, Writing Team

The Way Forward Through a Relationship with God

The Struggle with Unworthiness

The Unashamed Unafraid podcast recently shared the powerful story of Nick and Anja, a couple who have navigated significant personal challenges. Their journey highlights the deep-seated struggle with feelings of unworthiness that many of us can relate to.

Like Nick, it’s easy to believe that past mistakes or current struggles make us unworthy of love. And like Anja, difficult feelings can stem from our perceptions of our physical attributes or limitations. These feelings of inadequacy can cloud our view of God and ourselves, leading us to believe that we are somehow not good enough.

God Sees Us Differently

Many, like Nick, grow up believing they must earn God’s love or prove their worthiness. Nick’s and Anja’s struggles illustrate how easily we fall into an exhausting cycle - always striving but never feeling enough - which can numb us and disconnect us from life and others. But God’s love isn’t based on performance. He isn’t waiting for us to fix ourselves before accepting us. He sees our failings and shortcomings and still reaches out with love and acceptance.

Entering a Relationship with God

God lovingly invites us into a relationship where we can rest in His unconditional love. Yet, misunderstandings about His nature, expectations, and our own worthiness often hold us back. We must see Him not as a distant, watchful judge, but as the very embodiment of boundless, patient love. Yes, He is just—but through a relationship with Him, He offers us mercy and grace instead of the judgment we deserve.

A relationship with God is not entered by performance—it’s entered by faith. It begins with recognizing that we are wretched creatures in need of help. At the same time, we lean into His unconditional love and power to give us the help we need. Finally, in humility, hope, and curiosity, we reach out to Him for acceptance, nurture, protection, and transformation. When we do, we find comfort, peace, and joy—not because we have finally proven ourselves, but because we allow ourselves to receive what was always available.

When Nick prayed, he felt what he described as a "big warm hug"—a moment of peace, comfort, and love that reassured him he was accepted. This is what God longs for all of us to feel. Once we shift from trying to earn God’s love to simply receiving it, everything changes. The pressure to prove something disappears, and instead, we are freed to rest in God’s embrace.

A Relationship with God Changes the Way We Show Up in Life

When God’s love becomes the foundation of our identity, it transforms:

• How we see ourselves

• How we navigate challenges

• How we interact with others

Nick spent years trapped in shame—feeling unworthy and trying to compensate through effort. But when Warrior Heart bootcamp helped him step into his relationship with God, he began healing from a place of security rather than guilt. Freed from shame, he could finally move forward with hope.

For Anja, understanding God’s love helped her shift from feeling like a burden to knowing she was deeply loved just as she was. From that platform, she was able to support Nick—not from insecurity or codependency, but from compassion and strength. She could offer love freely, without feeling responsible for fixing him.

Relax with me into a relationship with God where He will ultimately change us, but where we’ll always be enough.

By Ty, Writing Team

The Next Step

I’m learning a lot about faith.

It isn’t to have God reveal all things to me and then move confidently into the future.

Instead it is to trust He has a plan for me without the fidelity of facts about my future - other than that He loves me - and I am to move forward and take the next step despite a large host of uncertainties.

Last year - as God would have it - someone I met seemingly randomly was going through a terrible time with his family’s health and pending uncertainties. While the circumstances of his life and what I’ve gone through are not the same, we share many common denominators of fear, pain, uncertainty, and loneliness in our grieving.

I’ve known him about a year now and while health situations at his home have gotten worse, there also has been a massive miracle. A baby has been born against all odds and lives while the uncertainty of the mother hangs precariously by a thread, so thin it can hardly be seen.

Not knowing the most recent developments, I had called him this week to unload and to surrender my own burdens, but found him in dire distress. I, myself, had dark nights a few years ago when I thought my wife would die overnight and leave me a widower. Those nights turned into weeks and months. His Hell is deeper and darker.

I asked what he was doing to survive.

He shared some personal things not appropriate for me to repeat, but the recent inspiration he received is universal to all suffering.

“Take the next step.”

God will reveal the next thing for me to do right now but often not the one after until I have completed or at least started the first one.

This time of year, I suffer from seasonal anxiety which - if left unchecked - has historically turned into depressive episodes. In the past I would wallow and go deep and not resurface for several months. It started earlier than normal as I had a major career change last September which introduced a lot more financial uncertainty than in previous years.

What has changed in recovery is that when the darkness begins to gather, I reach up to God and I change my state through exercise, meditation, and reaching out. Moving to Arizona where most days are sunny and warm and where I have proximity to family has also helped immensely.

I desire certainty, but God keeps reminding me that only His love is certain. Everything else just isn’t the point.

Just as Peter the Apostle fretted and feared about how to pay taxes and Jesus told him to go drop his line in the water and the first fish he caught would be enough to pay the debt, Christ reminds me to render that which is of the world to the world and to be loved. To be beloved.

No matter how dark your current trials are, I pray you remember these things.

God loves you.

You are beloved.

Yes, this pain and suffering sucks. It seems unfair and dark and twisted.

But please have faith and take the next step.

In my experience of pain and anguish, God has never left me alone when I seek Him. And He has always sent angels on both sides of the veil to comfort me and help me to identify the next step.

My prayer for you is that you find that same comfort in your current misery.

And that you take the next step.

By Pete, Writing Team