The Arithmetic of Recovery

There is an arithmetic to recovery that just doesn’t make sense. I’ve seen it many times in my eight years of attending 12-step groups, the Warrior Heart bootcamp, and any other meeting where people are sincerely trying to be better.

In each of these settings, people will come with their problems, share them as they feel moved to, and then leave with greater peace. And this doesn’t just happen when one or two people are weighed down and everyone else helps them, either. More often I’ve seen meetings where everyone arrived feeling down in the gutter, yet still everyone left feeling lifted. When I’ve seen that happen I’ve marveled at it, wondering which of us did the lifting if all of us were coming from below?

I guess it would make more sense to me if each person had the solution for someone else’s problem…but usually that isn’t the case either. Usually the sort of problems being shared aren’t the sort that one can just reach over and fix for someone else. Things like unyielding waves of shame, or deep marital problems, or a lifelong yearning for God; these are the sort of problems where all you can do is love, support, and commiserate.

So if nothing is getting “fixed,” how do we all end up feeling better? Where did the joy come from if none of us entered the meeting with it? It feels like we’re all getting something for nothing.

As I’ve thought about it, I’ve developed two theories as to what’s going on here. Personally, I think both are true.

Correct Posture

My first theory is that people are just made to share their burdens with one another, so we naturally feel better when we start doing it. This gives us the benefit of beginning something good, as well as the cessation of something bad.

When I first opened up my heart to tell a group all my secret shames and fears, I found that I actually didn’t even care how they reacted, I was just relieved to finally stop holding all of these things in. I realized that I was never meant to live in such secrecy. Doing so had twisted knots inside of me and just being honest released that tension all by itself. The love and compassion that came from my group was an extra bonus!

When I kept my problems to myself it was like trying to move forward while holding a great weight in an unnatural, hunched over position. When I shared my problems, even without receiving solutions, I felt like I was shifting into the upright, natural pose I was always meant to move in. It just felt right.

One in the Midst

Jesus taught his followers that “where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them,” (Matthew 18:20). He told them this when he was still present with them in the flesh, but it seems clear that he was pointing forward to the time after his crucifixion, instructing them on how they could summon him in spirit after he had gone.

Earlier I mentioned that I have seen group meetings where everyone arrived feeling low, yet everyone left with peace and lightness. Where did the burdens go and where did the peace come from? I believe the answer to both is the unseen Savior in the midst. I believe that Christ’s spirit is present in any group that gathers in his name, and where the attendees are there with sincerity of heart to become better men.

If five men come together, and each one feels negative, then normally that would create a compounding negativity:

-1 - 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 = -5

But if they gather in the name of Jesus, with sincerity of heart, then he is literally the X factor that can turn that equation positive:

-1 - 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 + X = +10

We can go to those meetings and throw all of our emotional debts into the pot, then draw from the reservoir of riches that Jesus imparts to each of us. That is the miracle and the arithmetic of group recovery!

By Abe, Writing Team

What it means to live Unafraid and Unashamed

Yesterday I was feeling restless. I had anxiety about a number of things including my career, family, and societal contribution.

I reached out to my daily accountability partner via text to put words to my emotions. Then I decided to attend an online 12 Step Meeting. A few minutes into the meeting the inspiration came very strong to immediately hang up and call a former sponsor.

I had no idea he was going through very significant stressful struggles in his family life. We talked and mourned what he was going through.

Recovery isn’t a continual path of ease in the sense that all things are easily surmounted by faith, like a cheat code in a video game. Instead, I’ve found God needs me to live Unashamed and Unafraid of my past so that I can be open and vulnerable and present. Emotionally connected. Confident that recovery “works when I work it”. Because instead of wallowing in my self pity yesterday, I was able to sit in another’s pain.

Living a life Unashamed and Unafraid started for me with sharing my story on this podcast. It continued with me sharing my episode with my local Church group, family, and friends. Dismantling the pose of supposed perfection I had worn as a mask, I now lead with vulnerability and honesty.

For each of us the journey of how we live Unashamed and Unafraid will be different, but what unites us is the cause, the driving desire to live a life free of a secretive dark past. A focus on forward progress over pretended perfection.

What no one warned me about is that in recovery I would learn how to not only confront my own traumas, but to be able to lift others burdens as I mourn with them.

… Okay, I guess Christ did warn us of that but I somehow missed how much depth and beauty, sorrow and sadness, hope and humility the grieving process for myself and others would bring.

To be Christian is to be like Christ. To shoulder up alongside Him for my own healing and to have Him use me to help others just as others have delivered me from dark times indeed.

Statistically, many of us have abandoned any New Year’s resolutions if we even made any. But I invite us all to continue the charge to be Unashamed and Unafraid of our past. To be Unashamed and Unafraid of living our lives out loud, proclaiming our healing in the wings of Christ who has restored our souls. And to reach up and then reach out and help those around us.

By Pete, Writing Team

A framework for safe conversations

In the recent podcast “Live Unashamed - Navigating 'The Talk' with Friends,” Chris, Steve, and Sam discuss the complexities of talking about recovery from unwanted sexual behavior with friends and family. During the discussion, Sam shared a quote from Timothy J. Keller that resonated with me:

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God.” - Timothy J. Keller

This quote captures the essence of the recovery groups I attend, where being both fully known and fully loved is often a lived experience. Unlike typical conversations with friends or family, these recovery groups benefit from a structured framework of safety that is established and read at every meeting. This framework establishes the meeting as a safe place to take off our masks and authentically share our struggles.

The Safety Framework

A framework that successfully creates this kind of environment includes several elements. One key principle is the acknowledgment that life is a battle for all of us. Though starved for good, strong men, our world can seem determined to stand in our way. We struggle under mounting responsibilities, expectations, and forces that leave us bewildered, hopeless, isolated, and angry. All this while facing pressure to hide our struggles, mask our genuine selves, and escape into endless options for distraction that threaten to take down the best of us.

However, this recognition of life’s challenges must be paired with a strong element of hope. In recovery groups, there’s a shared belief that in a strong, safe brotherhood where God is present, we can find footing, strength, hope, peace, and progress. God is considered a friend and our primary source of acceptance, validation, healing, and change.

Other essential elements include valuing authenticity, encouraging one another, celebrating progress, and refraining from judgment or elitism. Anonymity is sacred, preaching is avoided, and disagreements are met with connection rather than division. Above all, these groups cultivate an environment where vulnerability is met with compassion rather than criticism.

Applying the Framework to Conversations

Getting back to the podcast and the discussion on the complexities of recovery conversations with friends and family, I’ve started to wonder whether some of the elements of the safety framework described above could transform these conversations as well. While it might feel unusual, consider an approach like this:

“I’d like to share something personal with you. Before I do, can I suggest that we approach the conversation with the understanding that life is difficult and that sometimes we don’t respond as our best selves? But that there’s hope for all of us when we’re among good friends and a loving God? Could we also agree to keep this confidential?”

An opening like this could establish a framework in which the conversation could be had in safety.

Becoming a Safe Place

As a final thought, people tend to have an innate sense of who they can trust and where they’ll be safe. When someone lives their life within a framework like the one described above, others often sense it. My hope is that by adopting such a framework in all of my conversations, I can be one of those people and end up making a difference in the life of someone who needs a safe place to talk.

By Ty, Writing Team