Be a Victim or Be the Change

Just a couple of weeks ago I was caught in the latest round of layoffs at work. My emotions tend to take a few days to catch up to my situation, so I had about 48-hours of being detached and carefree before the hurt and anxiety really sank in.

Once the negative emotions took root, I noticed a part of me that would like to have played the victim. It really would be a very easy thing to do. I could just stew in resentment for my employer and perhaps even try to find a way to sue for wrongful termination. I could mope around the house, bemoaning my misfortune and accomplishing nothing. I could sabotage my job hunt, being surly and pessimistic in interviews and taking every rejection letter as a personal insult. Because I am, after all, a genuine victim of this misfortune. I am a victim, and my former boss is the perpetrator.

Of course, my former boss is also a victim of investors drying up, making it so that there wasn’t enough funding to keep everyone employed. And really, those investors are themselves victims of an uncertain economy. So sure, I’m a victim, but so is everybody else.

I don’t have to remain a victim, though. Rather than identify with that label of “unemployed,” I can do the work to change that label to “re-employed!” I have the excuse to wallow in self-pity, but also the power to make a change for the better. The choice is up to me.

I face the same choice whenever my wife and I have a fight. In those moments I could choose to play the victim, fixate on my wife’s flaws, treat her coldly, bring up old disagreements, lapse in my dailies, and cross bottom lines in my recovery. I could take on the label of “persecuted,” justifying all of my failings as a husband as being downstream of her failings as a wife.

Which would absolve me (at least in my own head) of any responsibility, but also strip me of the power to make a difference.

On the other hand, I could take accountability, humble myself enough to apologize for my flaws, regardless of whether she’s apologized for hers, and decide to do my dailies and stay sober, regardless of whether things are patched up between us or not. Once again I have a choice. I can choose to see myself as an agent of change, or as a victim, subject to the whims of others.

Of course, taking ownership for my own problems does not mean that I have to excuse the ill behaviors of others. I can acknowledge the hard hand that’s been dealt to me, while also having the determination to play it to the best of my ability.

As I’ve spent time talking to other people, I’ve seen that everyone is a victim in one way or another. There’s the child who was a victim of an angry mother, who was a victim of her runaway husband, who was a victim of his drunk father, who was a victim of the failing economy. Everyone’s a victim. Everyone has a reason to fixate on the person upstream who hurt them, deny any personal responsibility, and then hurt the next person further downstream.

Or, hopefully, somewhere along the line, someone will stop fixating on the person that hurt him, take full responsibility for his own situation, and spare the rest of the world his resentment. Hopefully…I can be that someone.

I admit, it isn’t easy for me to make that shift. Honestly, I don’t think I could do it without the group I attend regularly. I am very fortunate to have found a brotherhood who loves me enough to not validate me when I try to blame the world in a fit of self-pity. They love me enough to say, with kindness, “Yeah, that is really hard. I’m so sorry…. But what are you going to do to make it better?” They love me enough to believe that I can be more than a victim. They believe that I can be the change.

By Abe, Writing Team

God is eager to display His work

I'm trying to reduce my sugar intake and recently dealt with some strong cravings. I realized it wasn't really a sweet snack that I craved; I just wanted to feel better. On top of the usual stresses of life, I was feeling anxious about something at work. I felt lousy and knew that a snack would mask it.

This reminded me of times when I've turned to porn for similar reasons. In those cases, it wasn't the porn itself that drew me; it was the need to forget my pain. It's well known that porn use is linked to pain avoidance, acting as a very effective salve or medication—at least until it inevitably morphs into additional pain. Regardless of the motivation, with unwanted porn use, pain is likely at the heart of the problem. This is why honesty, counseling and connection are at the heart of the solution.

The question of why a loving God allows us to experience pain has been asked for ages. C. S. Lewis explores it in his book The Problem of Pain, suggesting that pain is beneficial as it shapes us into our best selves and can draw us closer to God. And there’s also the idea that pain works to highlight and amplify joy by drawing a contrast - allowing us to appreciate the good in our lives because we also experience the opposite. These answers are good and have comforted me over the years.

But then, the morning after the strong sugar cravings, I was reading in the Bible where Jesus’ disciples asked him why a man had been born blind, and Jesus responded, "that the works of God might be displayed in him" (John 9:1-3). As I read, I felt a surge of hope and a shift in perspective. I sensed that Jesus might have been eager in that moment to display His Father's work and bring the blind man's long wait and pain to an end. More importantly, I felt that some of my pain was due for a display of God’s work.

I realized that God wants to display his work, and He will do it. Some of my pain may have to linger so that I can grow from it or so that the contrast can amplify my joy. But some of my pain is simply waiting for the day God will display his work in me, and that day is closer than I thought. In the end, all my suffering will be swallowed up in the love of God.

This was a message of “be patient just a little longer and keep up your faith.” But the surge of hope and anticipation it brought lightens the load of my pain and gives me strength to continue with patience. Maybe patience and excited anticipation is the kind of faith required of me to be healed of much of my pain.

To break the cycle of dealing with pain in ultimately harmful ways, I believe one or both of two things need to happen: find a healthy way to cope with the pain or eliminate it altogether. I'm discovering that patient faith in God, combined with a sense of excited anticipation, may address both. When I truly “let go and let God,” as the saying goes, peace replaces my pain. This peace can be an even more effective balm than sugar or porn. And, ultimately, it’s God who will heal my pain.

By Ty, Writing Team