The Next Chapter in Recovery

“Almost everything we think we know about addiction is wrong … The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, the opposite of addiction is connection.” - ‘Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong’ - Johann Hari TED Talk June 2015

I’ve had an interesting turn of events in my life over the past few years. After a lot of time in 12 Step and trying to make connections in Group, I was always feeling a bit off the mark. I knew I was doing good things, but didn’t yet feel I was doing great or even the best things.

So much of my connection was surrounding recovery work. And certainly it was very comforting and encouraging and enjoyable. But it left me wanting more.

Then a good friend invited me to a bootcamp. I went to a few and in my mind I understood that God loved me, but there were still shame tracks playing constantly in my heart.

I had an even deeper breakthrough at Advanced Bootcamp, I revisited the molestation and abuse inflicted on me by peers at an early age and realized I didn’t really believe that I could be a good person. I didn’t really believe that I was good. That I could be loved.

And so I began the process of letting the negativity go.

A very big part of this is my connection with you and with others. At the same Advanced Bootcamp where I revisited my deepest and darkest hours of hurt and pain, others shared similar experiences. I began to realize that I am not alone. I began to have hope.

I can directly measure recovery by connection. I may be able to go one week without a good connection but the second week is a dumpster fire.

When I am connected to others around me, I begin to see the face of God staring back at me, assuring me I am enough. That I am lovable. That the traumas in my life are to mold and instruct me and give me the ability to understand the pains and traumas of others. To be there for others when they are down.

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” -Brené Brown

There is a reason Christ chose at least twelve men and also many others to follow Him. He needed a wide variety of personalities for opportunities to experience the humanness inherited by His mother on the hard days. He also knew they would need each other when He ascended to the Father.

What did Christ give as the greatest commandment when pressed to single it down to one? LOVE – Love God, love self and love others.

For me to accept this took time and a lot of courage. It still does. I couldn’t wait around for someone else to do it for me. I started to invite men to go to lunch, see a movie. I started monthly Breakfast Burritos with Bros.

It was veeeeery slow at first. Veeeery slow. People didn’t return texts. They had to cancel or just didn’t show up. It hurt. But I kept at it. And it has made ALL the difference in my life.

I also am learning to let it all hang out there. I am open and vulnerable and honest about the mistakes and pains of my past. It was embarrassing at first and I’ve had to learn what is the right time and place by some trial and error. But man is it a much better life!

I am learning that I can only love others, including God, as much as I am willing to let Christ remove my pains, mistrust, and be able to feel lovable myself.

I challenge you to get out there and find your band of brothers and sisters. It will make life so much more enjoyable!


By Pete, Writing Team

Between Codependency and Control

Continuing with our theme of codependency, I wanted to share how I have spent my own time living in that space, and also living in what I consider to be its unhealthy counterpart: control.

Codependency

My first and most natural pattern has been codependency. Growing up, I always hated confrontation, so I learned to stifle all my frustrations and put on a happy face to the very people that had hurt me. I did this because openly disagreeing with another person might make them upset at me, and if they were upset at me they might abandon me. I would rather be secretly frustrated than to be left alone.

I molded myself like clay to fit everyone else’s expectations. I appeased them outwardly while inwardly holding deep resentment for it all. And I had no intention of living any differently.

That is, until a little over six years ago when I embarked on my addiction recovery journey. Once I started living intentionally, I discovered all sorts of things about myself, including the unhealthy dynamic I had in my relationships. I saw that masking my needs to others and then resenting it was not the role I wanted to play anymore. I wanted to reclaim agency in my life, and I decided to make a change.

Control

Perhaps it doesn’t come as too much of a shock that I overcorrected. I went from never expressing my frustrations to voicing them all the time. I went from adhering to everyone else’s beliefs to expecting everyone else to adhere to mine.

I believed that the people in my life needed to know whenever their behavior was unacceptable, what they needed to change, and that I would be drawing boundaries left and right if they didn’t. My self preservation often turned into trying to control others to meet my needs.

What’s more, I would show up for those conversations already angry, ready to battle for the outcome I wanted. I simply never expected a person to respond to my complaints with anything other than “screw you!” so I either avoided talking to them entirely (when I was codependent), or else started the conversation already matching that same anticipated level of anger (when I was controlling).

In Between

But this second approach wasn’t any better than the first. I was simply taking the same role that I had let everyone else use against me. The solution wasn’t to go from submissive to dominant, it was to get rid of that hierarchy entirely!

And so, over the last two years, I’ve tried to do something different. I’ve tried to approach my relationships with a method of honest surrender. “Honest” because I really will speak up if something seems wrong to me, and “surrender” because after I have said my piece, I don’t try to control the outcome.

I don’t hide my disagreement from the other person, but I also don’t try to force them to see things the same as me. The result is that I can live in a way that is in harmony with my personal beliefs, while providing enough grace and space for everyone else to figure things out for themselves.

This isn’t to say that I’ve perfected all of my relationships. I’m still refining and improving my understanding, and I’m sure I always will be. I’m also still learning how to keep my behavior consistent with my better judgment, no matter the situation. But I do believe that I’m making real progress. I believe that I’m nearer to the mark than I ever was before. I feel more honorable in my approach to my relationships, and that has given me a most wonderful sense of relief.

By Abe, Writing Team

Codependency at Church?

For most of my life, I’ve been haunted by a fear that I’m somehow less than those around me, that I’m not enough, and that critical eyes are upon me. This fear has shaped my interactions and relationships. In response to this fear, I find myself trying to manage the thoughts and emotions of others, hoping to secure their approval and affection. In doing so, I often suppress my own needs and feelings; convinced that this is the only way to be valued and loved. When these efforts inevitably fail, my fears are reinforced and a cycle is repeated. This cycle of coping with fear by chasing validation from others is often called codependency.

Codependency is a complex and often misunderstood condition. At its core, it involves an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on others. For me, this reliance has been most evident in my close relationships. Since understanding it, I’ve worked hard to secure healing from its causes and its effects. I’ve found the most success in the realization that God is the only one who knows and understands me well enough to value or judge me and so I lean more and more on Him for affection and validation. This frees the people in my close relationships from my ill-aimed efforts to win their approval and frees me from my fears.

I was recently surprised by the realization that I’m also codependent on my church. I really didn’t see that coming. For most of my life, what my church leaders and my congregation thought of me was one of the more prevalent concerns in my mind as I participated at church.

One of the first steps in addressing codependency is recognizing the patterns of behavior that sustain it. For me, this meant acknowledging how much of my self-worth was tied to my church involvement. I realized that I was using my church relationships and activities in an unhealthy attempt to deal with my own insecurities and fears. By constantly seeking approval from church leaders and members, I was neglecting my own emotional and spiritual needs. I was exhausting myself in countless hours volunteering, attending services, and participating in church activities for the wrong reasons. I felt compelled to present myself as a virtuous and righteous saint, all in an effort to gain respect and appreciation.This constant striving left me feeling empty and unfulfilled.

What I’ve largely missed is God Himself. And I’ve certainly missed precious opportunities to empathize, love and truly serve others in ways unique to the gifts God has given me. And I’ve missed opportunities to allow God to do His work in me by trying to become one thing when He intended to make me something even better.

Today I try to show up more authentically at church, to see church for the opportunity to truly minister to others’ feelings and needs in ways only I can. I try to see church as an opportunity to praise and worship the God who lives in my heart and to learn from and be changed by Him. Not others.

Having had the experience of recognizing my codependency in my close relationships and in my church, I expect to discover other ways in which my codependency manifests. This is a little scary, but I’m also excited to see how continuing to address my codependency improves my life.

By Ty, Writing Team