Surviving as a Wife to a Sexually Addicted Partner
/Editor’s Note: This week’s post is by Holly, a guest contributor
I have lived with a spouse who has struggled with pornography addiction for 26 years.
About 12 years into our marriage, he came to me on his own, confessed what was going on, and began a process of working towards recovery. It completely turned my world upside down. The man I thought I knew had been hiding a significant part of his life as well as himself from me. I wondered how I could trust him anymore.
I found my way forward with a dear friend who was further along in her journey with her husband’s addiction who gave me invaluable support. I later found a support group for wives to attend and that helped me even more. My husband and I also did marriage counseling and later I got help through personal therapy.
My recovery road was long and involved. It took years. At that time of early working on recovery, our kids were young and my role as mother did not include a lot of time for myself or flexibility to deal with unexpected emotions or an emotionally unsupportive husband. My focus became more helping him and my children, learning what forgiveness was, and understanding the Atonement of Jesus Christ in a new and powerful way. I began learning about the concept of self-care, but it was a constant challenge. I tended to put everyone else’s needs before my own, thinking I was being selfless, being a supportive partner only to feel depleted and worn out.
His focus was on his recovery – he had little else to give. Our progress as a couple was erratic, 2 steps forward, 1 step back. When he was struggling to feel God’s love or feel the Spirit, I filled in the gaps. I felt the weight of his family responsibilities and did the best I could to keep as normal a life as possible for the kids. He put so much effort into trying to stay sober, but inevitably there would be a slip which then led to a downward spiral for him and me. Eventually, we would bottom out, and finally we would return to a good place and start again. Neither of our approaches were sustainable in the long term. We went into more of a survival mode which meant divide and conquer. Our parallel lives sowed seeds of resentment and we were just going through the motions thinking it would eventually get easier.
One thing I began to understand about sexual addiction is that it slowly and thoroughly shuts down one’s ability to connect to the closest people in their life, to be vulnerable, and to be a trustworthy partner. These are key to the foundation on which a strong marriage relationship is built. Though we learned a lot, the recurring challenges did not go away over several more years.
At the end of this period, we experienced a major life-altering event involving one of our children. The situation required every sacrifice we could offer, and I was sure that our marriage would never survive it. Through God’s tender mercies and blessings, the process of addressing this new way of living and seeing more clearly the eternal perspective brought us closer together as partners. What I did not expect was the physical and mental toll this life of supporting a child in dire need would take on me, or him. I proceeded to deteriorate to the point where I could barely function. I could not do even half of the things I could before and was not able to put any focus on him or energy into our relationship. I eventually got to a doctor and started the process of addressing a long list of issues related to chronic stress. It felt like a long process, but eventually, I began to feel whole again.
What I didn’t know was that as I was getting better, my husband was retreating back to the security of his addiction. As before, it was a slow and steady progressive detachment from our family, from me, and relationships with others. I was focused on my own health recovery, and we went from living the first of the twelve steps – honesty – back to individual survival.
… the dots connected and there were too many to ignore: anger, inability to have a meaningful conversation, blame on everyone or everything else … [addiction] took a happy, hard-working, faithful man and turned him into somebody I didn’t recognize.
The thing about gaining increased energy and bandwidth is that I started to notice things. We had many conversations about his relationships with our children, friends, and of course, about us. Over about 18 months, things were noticeably degrading between us and though we tried to address all parts of the relationship, pornography was never part of the discussion. I still thought we were being honest with each other. Being focused on myself more, I didn’t notice the signs and he was quite astute at keeping me in the dark.
I didn’t think I could even consider the possibility that he was back into his addiction again. But, as I became more situationally aware, the dots connected and there were too many to ignore: anger, inability to have a meaningful conversation, blame on everyone or everything else including God, apathy, self- loathing, excessive eating of junk food, no desire to go do things with other people, no going out on dates, hypocrisy, little desire to help around the house or fix things, and so on. It is degenerative; it took a happy, hard-working, faithful man and turned him into somebody I didn’t recognize.
When I confronted him about it directly, he responded with answers I had heard before. I felt an immediate sense of Déjà vu. I had lived this in another life, it seemed, but this time, I knew exactly what I was hearing and knew he was self-deceived. He was in so deep; he could not see the truth anymore.
Over a period of 3 or 4 days, he finally admitted that he had been back into porn for several years … not weeks or months…YEARS. I came to know in the next few weeks that we were not seeing this situation in the same light.
I was very untrusting of his motivations or if he even wanted to be free from this addiction. I could not shake the feelings of deep betrayal and got to the point that I could not be around him anymore. I needed us to separate so I could figure things out on my own. We needed to have peace in our home to allow me, as well as the kids, to be able to start working through the emotions and fallout we were experiencing. So we physically separated for a time.
I had to put my trust in God and let Him guide me very specifically in what I needed to do. It is one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life – I did not know how it would all turn out. I was acting in faith and facing my fear. I am learning to just take it one day at a time in my healing process. I am working on the things I missed before.
I don’t know if our marriage will last, but I do know that with God, all things are possible, and only He knows the road each of our family members need to walk down and I will follow wherever that road takes me. My husband and I have our unique trials to face, and our agency is key to how we deal with them. The freedom to choose is a powerful gift and at the core of God’s plan for us. If Satan can lure us into giving up or minimizing this power, he can destroy individuals which in turn will destroy families.
This is a real battle; I must choose every day to stay in the fight and so must he. We must choose to follow in faith and believe God will lead us back to Him.