God is Love...

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In the fourth chapter of First John, we’re told that “God is love.” Drop the mic! That’s it! How did I not know that?

Growing up in a faith tradition that emphasized duty, responsibility, and obedience, I simply don’t remember being told this. God is love. Maybe somewhere along the line, as I was checking those boxes of doing the “right thing” and sitting in church every Sunday because it was expected…and I always did what was expected…someone may have taught that. God is love. But I don’t remember it. Maybe it settled somewhere in my head, but I know for sure it never reached my heart. But…

…As I began walking the recovery path, suddenly I understood! God is love. He loves me! He loved me as an addict to porn and sex, and was never ashamed of me. He’s seen it all, and He knows it all. And not just my Father. His Son, His Holy Spirit, and I believe, my Eternal Mother as well. They are each, and collectively, love.

I do not have to jump through hoops to earn Their love, and nothing I could possibly do could make Them love me less. What?! Really? Yes! And then, as I walked that path, I discovered that I’m much the same. I carry divine DNA, so…I’m love also? Yes! And I can choose every day to be love…or not.

This really is the bedrock of my recovery. That because of that Divine Love I have experienced and the Grace I have received, and continue to receive, I get to keep going. I get to look at every day as a new adventure, full of promise and new possibilities. I get to now continue in my faith tradition with fresh eyes, seeing things “as they really are.” I get to be a source of light and a source of love. I get to share the Grace I have received to others. And I get to love.

I am not love. Not yet. But…as I practice love very intentionally, I can hope to get better at it. Just a little at a time, and very imperfectly. Now I know this is all that is expected by Them…to reflect Their collective love for me. To live in it, to live with it, and to share it. When I screw that up…and I do!…it’s OK. All I can do perfectly is to not quit. Get up, dust myself off, and keep going on the path.

So as I celebrate Christmas this month, and the miracle of God choosing to live among us, and to be one of us, and to experience our fatigue, our hurt, our pain, our worry, and our struggle, I remember this…it happened only because of His love. Their collective love. This love and grace is my fuel for continuing recovery, and as I sometimes stumble, get tired, get discouraged, want to give up, I remember that love. It never dims, and never quits. We are loved. God IS love. Merry Christmas!

What next?

  • The next time you pray, just ask God how He feels about you? Ask, “Do You love me?”

  • As you study the scriptures, look for all the ways His love shows up.

  • As you live each day, intentionally look for ways He is showing up for you. Hint…You will always find what you are looking for.

By Chris, Guest Writer

Progress Over Perfection

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“We can trust the process. It’s not a process of beeline perfection. It’s a process of learning by our own experience the good from the evil. It isn’t how many times we fall down that counts. It’s how many times we get up.” - Coleen Harrison

Years ago I was in a recovery meeting bemoaning my recent relapses in judgment and action. I compared life to hiking Mount Everest and having to start all over again at the bottom of the mountain. Randy, our group leader, became very intense and passionate and, full of love and compassion, begged us to never feel that way.

“When you fall, just stand up and keep on moving forward. If you need a minute to dust yourself off, take it, but never stop moving forward.”

More and more I am realizing that mistakes in life do not mean a helicopter comes and plucks me off the proverbial mountain of life, taking me back to sea level to start all over again. Mistakes just happen as part of the refining process.

One of my favorite YouTube shorts lately shows the woodworking process of using a lathe to turn an impossibly large tree trunk taken from the base where the roots begin in a mangled mess and turning it into a beautiful vase or stand.

The process requires some pretty heavy cutting at first, and then some pretty serious knocks of a massive blade as the chunk of wood awkwardly spins around until finally at the end the woodworker is using sandpaper and then a cloth with oil to finish off a wonderful creation.

Many times life can feel like I’m at the ax and chainsaw phase of shaping me into a better man. But lately I have also had glimpses of my potential shining through and the course corrections are more subtle.

Two weeks ago my Unashamed Unafraid podcast interview episode aired to the world. My flaws are there. Exposed and raw. Things I worked my whole life to keep a secret for decades I now lay bare and surrender to Jesus to heal me and help me to learn from my darkest moments how to love others and have compassion for them and to accept His compassion and grace for me.

My mess becomes His message of healing. My story is redeemed by His Glory.

We recorded the episode in March. It aired in late November because of a healthy backlog of other recorded episodes. What struck me the most is how much personal growth I’ve had in that timeframe. When I previewed the episode with my parents the week before it went live I was tempted to call Steve and James and tell them we need to scrap it and record again. So much has changed in the eight months of time.

Similarly, I’ve gotten to know other guests who went through the same process. I’ve been able to see their massive growth since their episode was recorded and aired. I’ve been privileged to see glimpses of “the rest of the story.”

The main change for me is in how my wife and I are getting along now. My focus is on honesty and being vulnerable. In relationships with others, I’m reaching out more. I’m more consistent in doing good things.

Progress over perfection is a mantra I have to repeat to myself over and over and over again. And now I’m loving the process - admittedly more so in retrospect than in the trenches of daily living. But I can see the growth and it is exciting to realize I’m at least on the right path and can celebrate forward movement and have grace for myself when I slip or fall.

At times the stumbles may be down a steep cliff. But I’m still on the mountain! I encourage you and myself to keep standing up, dust yourself off, and keep climbing! And by all means, don’t do it alone!

My episode can be found here. In the bonus content for our Outsiders group, I dive more into my journey of finding brotherhood. Find out how to join our Outsiders group by clicking here for as little as $1 or whatever you want to give to help others find hope and healing in recovery.

What Next?

  • Reach out. We die alone. Yes it’s hard, yes it probably hasn’t worked in the past. I’ve been there and it took a lot of perseverance with some failure sprinkled in for good measure. But it made all the difference.

  • Focus on your recovery journey. If that means attending a 12-step group, getting a sponsor, working a different kind of group with a therapist or 1-1 one counseling with a licensed counselor or clergy leader, all the above have helped me a lot!

  • Attend a boot camp. Most of our senior staff and many Outsiders and guests of the show are there. Find out more here.

By Pete, Writing Team

You're not alone

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A guest writer contributed this weeks post:

I wrote this summary of my story in the hope that it helps someone to understand they are not alone. It has taken me 48 years to realize that God truly and unequivocally loves me. That He is always by my side and accepts me unconditionally. That He is the only one who knows who I am and understands my life, addictions, trauma, and heart.

Unfortunately, my early growth in my church made it well known that God loved me, but only if I walked the path the church chose for me. I believed that if I deviated from this path that I would not feel God's full love and could never return to His presence. That was hard doctrine for a young man who wanted to live in God's presence.

I watched so many people in my church who judged others, ostracized and shamed members to the point of many leaving our church. The feeling of never measuring up to my fellow members was a constant. From an early age, I struggled with pornography. I feared not being accepted if my church leaders, family or friends knew about my addictions so I created two identities. One who had the appearance of the righteous man and one who lived in secret as the addict.

My pornography addiction became so secretive that I learned how to pose as this righteous guy who never sinned or faltered. And I hid this guy with the pornography addiction along with the underlying shame and guilt. So secretive, so destructive. And that was my life for the next 48 years.

It was not until I attended my first Warrior Heart bootcamp that I realized I was not alone, that many men had this similar situation and that there was a place I could share with other men and not feel judged.

It took a couple of bootcamps to help me truly understand that God is not ashamed of me; he loves me unconditionally and will always be by my side. It helped me realize that I don't need other people’s validation, that I could live an authentic life even though I struggle daily with my addictions and that God will not love me more or less. And I truly understand His Grace.

I know the feelings of shame, guilt, fear of abandonment, rejection from family and friends, and judgement from others. I understand the need to pose and so many other things that men struggle with.

What’s next?

  • Be authentic.

  • Ask yourself if you’re going to accept people’s evaluation of you or if you’re going to evaluate yourself.

  • Connect with God’s love for you.

Guest Writer