You're not alone
/A guest writer contributed this weeks post:
I wrote this summary of my story in the hope that it helps someone to understand they are not alone. It has taken me 48 years to realize that God truly and unequivocally loves me. That He is always by my side and accepts me unconditionally. That He is the only one who knows who I am and understands my life, addictions, trauma, and heart.
Unfortunately, my early growth in my church made it well known that God loved me, but only if I walked the path the church chose for me. I believed that if I deviated from this path that I would not feel God's full love and could never return to His presence. That was hard doctrine for a young man who wanted to live in God's presence.
I watched so many people in my church who judged others, ostracized and shamed members to the point of many leaving our church. The feeling of never measuring up to my fellow members was a constant. From an early age, I struggled with pornography. I feared not being accepted if my church leaders, family or friends knew about my addictions so I created two identities. One who had the appearance of the righteous man and one who lived in secret as the addict.
My pornography addiction became so secretive that I learned how to pose as this righteous guy who never sinned or faltered. And I hid this guy with the pornography addiction along with the underlying shame and guilt. So secretive, so destructive. And that was my life for the next 48 years.
It was not until I attended my first Warrior Heart bootcamp that I realized I was not alone, that many men had this similar situation and that there was a place I could share with other men and not feel judged.
It took a couple of bootcamps to help me truly understand that God is not ashamed of me; he loves me unconditionally and will always be by my side. It helped me realize that I don't need other people’s validation, that I could live an authentic life even though I struggle daily with my addictions and that God will not love me more or less. And I truly understand His Grace.
I know the feelings of shame, guilt, fear of abandonment, rejection from family and friends, and judgement from others. I understand the need to pose and so many other things that men struggle with.
What’s next?
Be authentic.
Ask yourself if you’re going to accept people’s evaluation of you or if you’re going to evaluate yourself.
Connect with God’s love for you.
Guest Writer