Progress Over Perfection

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“We can trust the process. It’s not a process of beeline perfection. It’s a process of learning by our own experience the good from the evil. It isn’t how many times we fall down that counts. It’s how many times we get up.” - Coleen Harrison

Years ago I was in a recovery meeting bemoaning my recent relapses in judgment and action. I compared life to hiking Mount Everest and having to start all over again at the bottom of the mountain. Randy, our group leader, became very intense and passionate and, full of love and compassion, begged us to never feel that way.

“When you fall, just stand up and keep on moving forward. If you need a minute to dust yourself off, take it, but never stop moving forward.”

More and more I am realizing that mistakes in life do not mean a helicopter comes and plucks me off the proverbial mountain of life, taking me back to sea level to start all over again. Mistakes just happen as part of the refining process.

One of my favorite YouTube shorts lately shows the woodworking process of using a lathe to turn an impossibly large tree trunk taken from the base where the roots begin in a mangled mess and turning it into a beautiful vase or stand.

The process requires some pretty heavy cutting at first, and then some pretty serious knocks of a massive blade as the chunk of wood awkwardly spins around until finally at the end the woodworker is using sandpaper and then a cloth with oil to finish off a wonderful creation.

Many times life can feel like I’m at the ax and chainsaw phase of shaping me into a better man. But lately I have also had glimpses of my potential shining through and the course corrections are more subtle.

Two weeks ago my Unashamed Unafraid podcast interview episode aired to the world. My flaws are there. Exposed and raw. Things I worked my whole life to keep a secret for decades I now lay bare and surrender to Jesus to heal me and help me to learn from my darkest moments how to love others and have compassion for them and to accept His compassion and grace for me.

My mess becomes His message of healing. My story is redeemed by His Glory.

We recorded the episode in March. It aired in late November because of a healthy backlog of other recorded episodes. What struck me the most is how much personal growth I’ve had in that timeframe. When I previewed the episode with my parents the week before it went live I was tempted to call Steve and James and tell them we need to scrap it and record again. So much has changed in the eight months of time.

Similarly, I’ve gotten to know other guests who went through the same process. I’ve been able to see their massive growth since their episode was recorded and aired. I’ve been privileged to see glimpses of “the rest of the story.”

The main change for me is in how my wife and I are getting along now. My focus is on honesty and being vulnerable. In relationships with others, I’m reaching out more. I’m more consistent in doing good things.

Progress over perfection is a mantra I have to repeat to myself over and over and over again. And now I’m loving the process - admittedly more so in retrospect than in the trenches of daily living. But I can see the growth and it is exciting to realize I’m at least on the right path and can celebrate forward movement and have grace for myself when I slip or fall.

At times the stumbles may be down a steep cliff. But I’m still on the mountain! I encourage you and myself to keep standing up, dust yourself off, and keep climbing! And by all means, don’t do it alone!

My episode can be found here. In the bonus content for our Outsiders group, I dive more into my journey of finding brotherhood. Find out how to join our Outsiders group by clicking here for as little as $1 or whatever you want to give to help others find hope and healing in recovery.

What Next?

  • Reach out. We die alone. Yes it’s hard, yes it probably hasn’t worked in the past. I’ve been there and it took a lot of perseverance with some failure sprinkled in for good measure. But it made all the difference.

  • Focus on your recovery journey. If that means attending a 12-step group, getting a sponsor, working a different kind of group with a therapist or 1-1 one counseling with a licensed counselor or clergy leader, all the above have helped me a lot!

  • Attend a boot camp. Most of our senior staff and many Outsiders and guests of the show are there. Find out more here.

By Pete, Writing Team

You're not alone

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A guest writer contributed this weeks post:

I wrote this summary of my story in the hope that it helps someone to understand they are not alone. It has taken me 48 years to realize that God truly and unequivocally loves me. That He is always by my side and accepts me unconditionally. That He is the only one who knows who I am and understands my life, addictions, trauma, and heart.

Unfortunately, my early growth in my church made it well known that God loved me, but only if I walked the path the church chose for me. I believed that if I deviated from this path that I would not feel God's full love and could never return to His presence. That was hard doctrine for a young man who wanted to live in God's presence.

I watched so many people in my church who judged others, ostracized and shamed members to the point of many leaving our church. The feeling of never measuring up to my fellow members was a constant. From an early age, I struggled with pornography. I feared not being accepted if my church leaders, family or friends knew about my addictions so I created two identities. One who had the appearance of the righteous man and one who lived in secret as the addict.

My pornography addiction became so secretive that I learned how to pose as this righteous guy who never sinned or faltered. And I hid this guy with the pornography addiction along with the underlying shame and guilt. So secretive, so destructive. And that was my life for the next 48 years.

It was not until I attended my first Warrior Heart bootcamp that I realized I was not alone, that many men had this similar situation and that there was a place I could share with other men and not feel judged.

It took a couple of bootcamps to help me truly understand that God is not ashamed of me; he loves me unconditionally and will always be by my side. It helped me realize that I don't need other people’s validation, that I could live an authentic life even though I struggle daily with my addictions and that God will not love me more or less. And I truly understand His Grace.

I know the feelings of shame, guilt, fear of abandonment, rejection from family and friends, and judgement from others. I understand the need to pose and so many other things that men struggle with.

What’s next?

  • Be authentic.

  • Ask yourself if you’re going to accept people’s evaluation of you or if you’re going to evaluate yourself.

  • Connect with God’s love for you.

Guest Writer

Waiting for the Cavalry That Likely Isn’t Coming

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“I think there is too much of the moral authority in church and not enough love that helps people avoid the fire.” - Jordan Peterson

Have you ever caught yourself not taking action because you expect someone else to make the first move? Justified by a million reasons why it shouldn’t be you?

In my local church group I’ve hit up against hard opposition over the years from individuals stuck in protecting tradition or cultural norms. Uncomfortable with change but yet also uncomfortable or critical of the inefficiencies of how things are.

Each time it is disheartening and I’m tempted to give in and try to just stop caring, numb out, check out, fall back into a slumber of indifference. And at times I’ve given in to that temptation, but the feelings come back with a desire to fight and ring the bells of awakening.

I go to my wife or church group or food, or lust, or whatever for acceptance. They may give a momentary reprieve but they can only do so much.

I grow tired of waiting on a cavalry that seems to never come and instead accept cheap substitutes.

Years ago I came across a quote that stopped me in my tracks:

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” - Gandhi

It angered me. I wanted someone else to be the change. It frightened me. I didn’t feel confident enough in myself to make change happen. It empowered me. I didn’t need to wait around for the cavalry, because I was the cavalry.

It’s a lonely thing to do at times. I can put out a LOT of effort and not receive any feedback, input, or accolades.

This isn’t to say there haven’t been others placed in my path who were inspirational and whom I now hold as dear friends. But in my own life, I realized that I needed to be the one to respond to the call for help, and feeling woefully inadequate that I was going to fall woefully short of what I need and want.

So if external actions (lust, food, procrastination, media, etc.) can’t provide what I need and other people can’t fill the hole in my soul, what is left?

God is the short answer, but I can hear my younger self shouting “where is God?” “Who is God?” “If … there is a God, then why did ____ happen to me?!?”

There is that scene in a later Harry Potter book and movie where Harry is being attacked by Death Eaters near a lake. At the moment he is about to give up and be devoured completely, he looks across the water and sees who he thinks is an angelic vision of his deceased father casting the Patronus Spell which ends up saving his life. Later he finds out how to travel in time and finds himself at the other end of the lake at the same moment, looking and waiting for his dad to appear and save the day.

But Harry’s dad never arrives. Eventually at the last second he realizes that it is this future self who must cast the spell and so he saves himself.

I certainly am not suggesting self worship as a means of salvation. What I have experienced, however, is that God will use me and use you - despite our hopeless inadequacies at times - to save each other with a common grasp on the love of our combined hope for healing in the blood of Jesus Christ.

Recently I listened to a discourse by John Eldridge speaking about the various stages of masculine development. When we are emotionally a child, there is a lot God will do for us.

But as we grow, God expects us to learn from Christ how to do things ourselves while also He is always present to provide love and guidance. As we get spiritual experience and God feels we are ready to level up, however, God begins to move from all-providing parent to a loving mentor and coach. He no longer chauffeurs my spirit but is willing to provide guidance as to how I can drive and is my turn-by-turn GPS navigation to my destination.

It is up to me to be the main character and player in my journey. God is my source of acceptance and the wind beneath my wings but He is most effective only when I start flapping my wings and taking action because His greatest gift to me is my free will and He takes joy in me exercising it in righteous ways to help others; in turn, blessing me with strength and confidence.

One thing I’m learning recently is that there is no cavalry to wait for, because God has always been here for me. At times I screened Him out. At times others caused so much pain in my life that God was obscured. But regardless, He is in my life and cares and loves me. All I have to do is accept Him.

And as I accept Him, I no longer need to wait for anyone else for me to start loving others. And learning and growing together we become the cavalry we’ve waited for such a long time.

What Next?

  • What can you do today to reach out and lift someone else the way you’d like to be reached out to and lifted up? Do it!

  • Where are you waiting for an answer? Ask God what is keeping you from it and be willing to hear hard things.

  • Who can you reach out to right now? Do it. I’m always amazed at how God speaks to me through other people.

  • Lift where you stand. Don’t wait for better circumstances, just reach out. And be prepared for a negative reaction.

By Pete, Writing Team