How My Life Wasn’t Destroyed

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Recently I was sharing about my struggle with pornography addiction with a friend of mine’s 19 year old son. During our conversation he expressed to me his desire to get past his addiction because multiple people in his life, including his parents and ecclesiastical leader, have told him that having an addiction to pornography will destroy his life. I began recalling the very same messages given to me from my own parents and ecclesiastical leaders as I was growing up. Because I believed these messages, for years, I chose to hide and keep secret my own struggle with sex addiction. As well-intentioned as these parents and leaders of both myself and this young man were, these messages are fear-based and full of shame.

As I drove home after speaking with this young man, I couldn’t help but reflect on my own journey that my struggle with sex addiction has taken me on. I asked myself if I feel like my life has been destroyed because of my addiction. As I pondered this question, the following thoughts came to my mind. They are only a few of the ways in which my life is vastly different than before.

I am much more empathetic for others than I ever was before. I can see now that everyone is struggling with some sort of pain or trauma whether emotional, physical, or spiritual. This has helped me to be much less judgmental.

I am more vulnerable now than I ever was before. I used to hide my worst parts because I was afraid others would reject me if they knew the real me. Vulnerability has allowed me to connect with other people which has been crucial for my recovery. It has helped me create true friendships with other men and to connect emotionally with my wife.

I strive to be more kind and compassionate towards others and myself than I ever was before. Having struggled with addiction for most of my life, I have been on the receiving end of a lot of shame whether from other people or from shaming myself. I have realized that nobody is perfect, especially myself. I have much more compassion for myself when I slip and make mistakes.

Most importantly, my relationship with God and Jesus Christ is deeper than it ever was before. I'm grateful for my struggle with addiction because in many ways it forced me to develop a relationship with them. I feel like I’m only scratching the surface in learning about how much they love me. Daily connection with them is crucial for my recovery. They lead my life much better than I can.

After finding some healing through my struggle with sex addiction I can clearly see that I am a different person. Just because someone struggles with a porn/sex addiction doesn’t mean their life will be destroyed. On the contrary. If we can replace shame and fear with hope, this can be an opportunity for self-learning, improvement, and growth that couldn’t come in any other way. Life can be much better than before.

What now?

  • Think about what fear messages you received growing up. How have they impacted your perspective?

  • Think about the messages you may be sharing with others you have influence over? How can you share more hope and less fear and shame?

By Seth, Writing Team

The Tortoise and the Hare

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A few weeks ago I was in an addiction support group meeting when someone identified 'not enjoying life' as one of their weaknesses. I'd never heard that before and I couldn't stop thinking about it. It’s got me on a refreshing path of discovery that involves humility, weakness, and the nature of my higher power.

In the fable, "The Tortoise and the Hare" the tortoise wins a race with the hare because he knew that the overconfident hare would get lazy after sprinting early in the race. As a recovering addict, I can learn several lessons from this fable.

I'll start with humility. The tortoise can rightly be credited with perseverance and cunning. But I suggest that these characteristics were secondary to his more important quality: humility. You see, the tortoise knew who he was. His self-image was right-sized in relation to his circumstances. He knew he was slower than the hare.

The importance of humility in recovery can't be overstated, but I often misunderstand it. It can be difficult to not see it as a weakness. What I'm learning, though, is that its strength is related to it being the opposite of pride and fear which keep me seeing myself either too highly or too lowly. Humility has me seeing past my pretenses - my poser. With it, I see myself right-sized in relation to my addiction, to those around me and to my higher power. For example, I'm powerless over my addiction and I need help. Admitting this isn't a weakness and is only a positive reflection of my character. When I’m right-sized without agenda or ulterior motives, I find refreshing hope and peace!

The tortoise's cunning came into play when he determined he could win the race by relying on the hare’s weakness - his arrogance. My weaknesses or character defects are obstacles in my recovery just as the hare’s were in his race. Pride, fear, laziness, resentment, shame, impatience and yes, not enjoying life (allowing life's annoyances to affect my overall outlook and mood) can lead me to states of mind where I begin looking for the familiar numbing or self-medication of my addiction. The ‘hares’ or forces in my life that work against me are also cunning. They rely on my weaknesses to thwart my recovery.

Finally, my perception of the nature of my higher power is of vital importance as I turn there for help to overcome my weaknesses. I hesitate and stumble when asking for or receiving help if I see that power as vengeful (watching for and punishing mistakes) or even as a kind-eyed grandpa watching and caring from his chair in the corner. I succeed when I see Him as He is: a powerful, active friend; wanting to help and to whom I am always enough.

What next?

  • Take a fresh look at humility. Does it still feel like weakness?

  • Employ the power of humility to right-size yourself and to identify your weaknesses.

  • Ask true friends for help - and find a way to include your higher power in that group.

By Ty, Writing Team

Do I really want Recovery?

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RECOVERY - I never knew this word could become such a regular part of my vocabulary. That was until my dive into my betrayal trauma and subsequent work on my marriage after my husband’s disclosure of continuing to act out in his addiction to lust and pornography 14 years into our marriage.

Yet as often as I use the word “recovery” I still question that it truly describes what I have experienced and ultimately what I am seeking. The most common definition of recovery that I have come across is “the act of regaining or returning toward a normal or healthy state” (Merriam Webster online dictionary). Regaining? Returning? These words seem dissonant to what I am seeking. I don’t want to return to the disconnectedness I felt in my relationship with my Savior Jesus Christ. I don’t want to return to the broken marriage I had with my husband. I don’t want to return to the blindness and fog I lived in.

I must acknowledge that my betrayal trauma and the impact it’s had on my life and personal experiences cannot be erased. They are forever part of my story and no amount of restoration, regaining or returning can change the pain, hurt, and shame I have experienced. Yet I know that without these experiences it would not be possible to be where I am now. I’ve gained empathy for others that I never had before, and I’ve learned how to better recognize and acknowledge my feelings and emotions. I'm learning how to choose self care and to express my needs.

What I have begun to learn, experience, and desire to gain is nothing compared to what I thought I knew before. My perspectives, my relationships, and in particular my marriage are new, sweeter and better. So “regaining” and “returning” seem an ill fit to describe where I am or desire to be.

To me, recovery is a choice. You get to choose your own definition, and that doesn’t have to be a “return” or “regaining” but a choice to pursue something new.

The following quote better describes my point: “Though no one can go back and make a brand-new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand-new ending.”

Even better stated is in Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”

So instead of choosing the act of returning or restoring, I’m choosing newness.

What next?

  • What does recovery mean to you? How can viewing it as choosing a new ending change your perspective?

  • Watch the lyric video “New Creation” by Mac Powell https://youtu.be/Z1Ygqog17vg

Nicole, Writing Team